Emily is a God appointment. We met on FACEBOOK and she wanted to book a session for her baby girl – due October 11th – the same date that we were due. We wrote back and forth and I shared my struggles with her. We prayed (and still do pray) for one another. Her sweet baby *A* was born a few weeks early and we managed to schedule a session for October 16th.

I was looking forward to meeting Emily in person – and a little nervous about meeting this sweet baby that was due the day our sweet baby was.

Emily made me feel like such a friend from the moment I walked in her door. We talked and talked – about life and it’s fragility – about God and His promises – about love and peace and fear.

Emily – THANK YOU so much for being such a great friend – and for sharing your sweetness with me.

SHE IS SO SWEET!

Emily – thanks again for everything!

I wanted to try out a few new ideas with Dave & Jenna – and they were such willing participants!

Jenna & I were so excited about the idea of being pregnant at the same time and having babies so close in age. As you know, this has been a really rough year for me – and this session was no different. When I look at Jenna – or any pregnant woman for that matter – all I see is what I would have been – what I want so badly. This session was very hard for me – but I wanted to capture the beauty and emotion of pregnancy – what it means to me …

They were such great models – and I am so thankful that they allowed me to share these photos with you.

Thanks again guys soooooo much for sticking with my crazy ideas!

Can’t wait to get some newborn shots of your sweetness!

Love, Momma.

Hi. My name is Danielle. And I am a control freak.

I know that we all have our “things” but mine is being in control.

When I was in high school I would write my notes over and over again until they were perfect – no smudges – no misspellings – PERFECT!

When I was in college I freaked out my freshman year – I went to Philadelphia University – and didn’t have my nose in everyone’s happenings back home – losing control.

When Jared and I met in college – I was pining after a different guy (and it was going to happen ‘cus I was in control) – and Jared threw me off course.

After Jared and I were married I had the hours cut at my job – out of my control. Six months after that – Jared lost his job – out of our control. We moved in with his parents for a few months – then my pain started – my jaw pain that consumed my entire life – out of my control.

BARDEN PHOTOGRAPHY – something that was in my control – something that I wanted to happen – so I worked hard to make it happen – YAY CONTROL!

Then we got pregnant – we were trying – it happened really quickly – not exactly my plan but it still worked. Then we were told we were having a miscarriage and there was nothing I could do to control that. Nothing I could do to stop it.

God and I are back on friendly terms – and when I say God and I – I mean me ‘cus God was and IS always on friendly terms. I was very angry with Him – we talked about it and I asked – pleaded – for His forgiveness.

I am slowly understanding that God didn’t make this happen – yes He could have stopped it – but this happened nonetheless. And again God is whispering – HA – SHOUTING – in my ear – YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL!

A few people have asked – are you trying again? If it were completely up to me – I would never try again – I am BEYOND TERRIFIED about being pregnant ever again. BUT – I am also BEYOND TERRIFIED over the thought of never having a child. So you just do – you just breathe – you just give up control – which I am working on.

We have been trying since it happened – and nothing. Every month – nothing. And everyday I learn of just one more person that is blessed with a child – one more person that is holding onto my dream.

Aren’t you going to track your dates and see when you are most likely to get pregnant? I WOULD LOVE TO! But that would mean that I have some sort of control – some sort of say in when this happens.

I have compromised with God – we shook on it – He has given me a deadline of – if you are not pregnant by …… – you may track your days – you can have some sort of control back – but right now – you need to know that I am in control.

So – I am doing better – I don’t cry every day – I still feel that pang in my heart when I see a pregnant belly or a sweet child – but I am doing better. I am learning to trust Him. I am realizing that I am not in control.

That He is in control. That He loves us. That He loves me.

It has been 5 months since our miscarriage – 5 long and exhausting months. All I seem to think about is that I would be that far pregnant instead of saying that I’m that far not.

A few weeks ago I met with Pastor & Wendy to talk about how I have been feeling and how to get out of this despair.

I keep saying that I don’t just want a baby – I wanted THAT baby – I was ready for THAT baby. Our bodies know that something is wrong and THAT is why we miscarry. I just have to accept that and understand it.

Secondly – satan knows the feelings that I have and builds on those – he whispers in my ear the thoughts of never getting pregnant again, of getting pregnant again but having another miscarriage, of how it is not fair that what seems like EVERYONE around me is having a baby (I stopped keeping count at 30), of how I can’t let go of losing our child, of how I can’t be excited for my dear friends getting to have what I am missing out on. And so on. And so forth.

I have the power in Christ to tell satan to BACK OFF – to get out of my head – to stop whispering lies in my ear.

I have the power in Christ to speak His promises over our life – I just have to believe it – I just have to stop doubting.

I’m still struggling – I’m still crying – not as often.

The world is turning in front of me and sometimes it’s hard for me to let go
My flesh begins to rise and then I find out there’s things I don’t know
I’m standing here but no one cares, I’m crying out but no one is there
And I am me but who am I and will I ever find the reason (for life)

But I see you there, Your arms around me, Your arms around me
And I have no fear, You’re all around me, You’re all around me
You’re all around

On this earth people live and die, wondering why (I wonder why)
They go through life feeling lost, never knowing who paid the cost
Lord give me the strength to find the faith in this world
Help them to see the light in me, even though I’m so afraid (of it all)

And I am so afraid, then I remember the price You paid

The Reason – Larue

When I was going through my jaw pain I sought God’s face – I cried out to Him.

I attached myself to Psalm 46 –

God is our refuge and strength. An ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. Though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God. That Holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her. She will not fall. God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall. He lifts His voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I memorized that verse and spoke it over and over and over …

I have always been a comfortable Christian – having my jaw pain took my out of the box with God. I still don’t understand why I had to go through my jaw pain to become closer to God – but I did.

When we first had our miscarriage I had a positive outlook.

I would like to know where that girl went!

Jared has been really worried about me lately – to tell you the truth I have been worried about me lately.

I am angry – completely and totally angry. I am having a hard time having a conversation with God without blaming Him – for everything.

As “fate” would have it – I have been emailing with a client who is pregnant and due in October – the month we were due. She will be getting newborn photos once her little sweetness arrives. She used to attend the church that I grew up in and we came to know each other through another client. She has been sharing her experience with me – and praying with me. She sent me an address for a blog that she thought might help to read – www.joshandcali.blogspot.com.

This paragraph spoke to me –

“We can ask “why?” and “if only…” all we want, but it won’t change the reality that Mac just wasn’t meant to stay with us. No matter what would have happened differently, the outcome would have remained the same. God does not make mistakes. Mac was simply not meant to be here. He was too perfect to stay. His spirit was so pure that he had to be called home before enduring the trials and pains of this world. He fulfilled his earthly mission in the short time he was here and has returned to his heavenly home.”

I am asking why. I am asking “if only”. But those questions don’t change the fact that Enoch isn’t here and wasn’t meant to stay here – as much as it hurts. God gives us children for a period – they are not ours. Enoch is RESTING in the arms of His Heavenly Father – with no pain – no hurt – no trials.

I have never had my faith shaken like it is right now. I want to believe that God has a plan but it is hard to know that THIS would fit into it. I want to believe that God loves me – but why am I going through this? I want to believe that I can be strong and watch my friends have babies in the same month that I was supposed to be having a baby – but I don’t know how.

I am still terrified about being pregnant again – I am setting myself up for the worst because it is all I know. My dear friend Jenna – who is pregnant again with her second sweetness – gave me the reality check I needed this morning. She told me everyone deals with their own fears. Jenna was home with a newborn while her hubby was serving our country overseas. She is nearly 10 years younger than me and a woman of God that I admire greatly. I haven’t been there for her lately because it hurts. I needed that conversation today. THANK YOU JENNA.

I need to believe that God hears me – that He loves me – that He cares for me – that He has a plan for great and wonderful things for me – for us. Typing those words are so hard right now. But I know that I have to believe them – if God isn’t who He says He is – then where are we?

I feel like I have had the joy and happiness sucked out and placed in a jar. That jar sits on a shelf high in our house that I can see but can’t reach. I don’t know how to get it back. I don’t even know where to start.

Tonight I am making Jared start a new book with me – WHAT TO DO ON THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE – my brother and his wife got it for us in May and I just haven’t wanted to open it – because it will say the things I already know.

My cousin Heather had a baby boy *B* on July 9th.

Heather has had a rough few years – this baby is God’s way of giving her a second chance.

I happened to be in town on the 10th – with my camera – and stopped by to see her and the sweet babe.

He is so cute and tiny and sweet – such a blessing for Heather and her boyfriend!

Thanks for having me over for a few hours!

Ella & Krista spent the night Tuesday the 7th – for a girls night!

We made necklaces and cards and watched Disney movies.

On the way to our house Ella was describing dinner and said – “dinner was so wonderful – let me tell you – it was a feast!”

I laughed and laughed – she was describing turkey sandwiches.

When we were making necklaces I was using the hay type stuff that I used for the wedding jewelry and Ella asked if it would start to smell in a week – cus it looked like hay to her!

She was such a trooper around Schrute – she was a little scared at first cus he was SO excited to see her – and thinks kids his height are either other dogs or play things. She fed him some treats once he sat and gave her a high five.

Once bedtime rolled around I laid upstairs with her till she fell asleep. Krista and Ella stayed in the “extra room” which has baby clothes and shoes and lamps and some other items that my mom and I had bought. Ella noticed the Pooh lamp and asked if the lamp was for my baby. She wanted to know if I missed my baby. She wanted to know why God decided to take my baby from me. I told her that I didn’t know. She told me that she thought God took my baby because it was an angel. Humans can’t have angel babies and God can’t have human babies – so He needed to take mine.

So sweet!

A few weeks ago a few of our Powerkidz were baptized. Our friend Amanda came with her new baby *L*. I did Amanda’s maternity shots a few weeks before *L* joined the family!

I can’t hold new babies very long without getting completely choked up and emotional – but Kurtis snapped a few of me before I had to give her back.

I love the way Jared is looking at me in the next shot.

He knows how much I want children and always have …

It’s been 3 months today since we miscarried.

And all I can seem to think is we would have been 22 weeks right now – halfway thru – we would have heard a heartbeat by now – we would know what we are having – we would have seen our little baby on film.

I still feel lost. I still feel confused. I still feel hurt. I still feel angry. I still feel alone. It’s hard to find joy. It’s hard to be happy. I sometimes feel like I am JUST living and not feeling.

I know it’s hard to be our friends right now. I know it’s hard to find the right words to say. I know it’s hard not to say – JUST try again. I hate that word – JUST. I don’t know how many times I heard – but you’re JUST Danielle – you’re JUST a secretary – JUST try again for the baby that you won’t get to hold in this lifetime.

So – I wanted to give an update. We are still here – still breathing – still trying – still praying – sometimes JUST enough.