This truck has been a favorite subject of mine. My parents have it in their front yard – FOR SALE!

I hope that it just sits there …

Schrute is doing great – nearing 50 lbs. and eating to match! We are so blessed to have him in our life for such a moment as this. It is so nice to be able to come home to his unconditional love.

The crazy thing about Schrute is that he is for sure our pet. Jared and I are both anxious people. Schrute is an anxious puppy for sure. Even as I sit here and type this – he has a paw resting on my arm – so that he is not too far away from me. He loves to be near me – since the miscarriage – he feels that he has to be near me. He sleeps with his head right near my stomach – never leaving my side.

I am so excited to be able to spend more time with him once Wednesday rolls around – long walks here we come!

LOVE THIS ONE!

WE LOVE HIM!

Jared and I are doing okay – I had a little bit of a breakdown Friday night coming over to my parents. Since we found out about the miscarriage I haven’t really had a minute to breathe and think and take it all in totally.

Last Sunday I went to the nursery during church to see some sweet babies – I snatched up one of the sweeties and rocked him to sleep. Mandy – who has a little boy and is due in May with a little girl – was in there waiting to give me a hug. We have the same doctor in Sayre and she knows just how bad I have been wanting a baby. It was tough being in there – but at the same time I needed it.

On the way to my parents I just started crying – knowing that it’s still just not fair.

Like I said before – I know the answers to the questions – but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Why us?

How do we try this again?

What if we have another miscarriage?

How do we get excited about being pregnant again?

How do we go through it “alone” – since you more than likely won’t tell everyone this time?

If we have another baby – how do you not see the one that you miss every time you look at your child?

People say – at least you know you can get pregnant again. I think – Yes, I know that we can get pregnant again – but I was ready for little Enoch to be our child – I was ready to hold him when he got here – not someone else.

I miss him. I don’t know how to get over those feelings.

I don’t know how to not choke up every time I see a baby or hold a little child’s hand.

I don’t know how to shake the feeling that someone is missing from our little family. I don’t know how to make the hurt in my heart go away.

Jared and I talked about the loneliness that we both feel – although we are surrounded by love and prayers – we still feel alone and lost sometimes.

I know that God is near – I know that He is in control – but there are times when it is hard to be strong.

Last week I got my hair cut …

I have tried and tried and TRIED to grow my hair out – but I think I just have to accept that God gave me a short-haired scalp.

I haven’t had much time to work on my blog lately. The past two weeks at work I have been training my replacement at work – helping Amy and Jim move – shooting a wedding and corporate photos – editing photos – it never ends!

Tuesday night we helped Amy and Jim with their new house – I painted the bathroom with Amy while Jared and Kurtis pulled up carpeting downstairs. Wednesday night the youth group helped Amy and Jim move their basement and garage and kitchen – in 50 minutes! Thursday night we went back down and Jared worked more on the flooring while I put a second coat on the bathroom.

Ella – Amy and Jim’s daughter – hung out with me while I painted the bathroom. She is one of my favorite kids on the planet. She will be 5 in July and is one of the smartest kids I know.

We had the following conversation –

D: Ella – what do you want to be when you grow up?

E: I want to be a PT like Mommy and work at the Phoenix. But my Phoenix is going to be in Wellsboro. If I have a Phoenix in Wellsboro and Mommy has a Phoenix in Mansfield – whose would you go to?

D: Seeing as how you are one of my favorite kids – I would probably have to go to your Phoenix.

E: Why don’t you come to my Phoenix one day and Mommy’s Phoenix the next day so that we can share?

That sounded like a good – fair solution to me. I was telling Amy about the conversation with Ella – how cute it was – and Ella comes running in the room saying – I wanted to have Danielle come to both our clinics so that you can see her too – since you have cancelled her from her job. I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Amy ordered Chinese food for dinner – we all sat down at the table while Amy and Jim met with the carpet guy – Ella provided the dinner entertainment with the following …

E:  (looking around the table and saying in a low voice) Daddy isn’t going to eat any of this.

D: Really – why is that?

E: Well – don’t tell him I told you this – but Daddy only eats peanut butter and mustard sandwiches. When I come home from school – I say – Daddy – let’s get your mind off mustard and talk about something else. But all he says to me is – Ella – I can’t help it – I just love mustard. I want mustard for breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner. I love mustard! Sometimes when we go to restaurants – he orders mustard and PB sandwiches and Mommy tells him that it is bad manners in a restaurant to do that – but he can’t help it – he loves mustard!

D: Can I ask him about this?

E: Oh no, you can’t – he gets so embarrassed about his love for mustard!

I don’t know how she comes up with this stuff!

Last night – I loved these guys – LOVED THEM.

Although I cannot stand Adam – I was impressed with his performance.

Tonight – it is still Scott’s turn to go …

My wild card pick is Michael …

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU again to everyone who sent flowers, cards, prayers, facebook messages, e-mails, everything …

I have been having more and more fun with PHOTOSHOP!

Thursday night we went to a David Cook concert at MU – I should have bought his music beforehand – but other than not knowing his songs – he was good!

I didn’t bring my camera with me b/c with my “luck” lately – it would have broken – and my second camera is still out for repairs – expect a blog soon about that whole incident!

Jared brought his point and shoot – and I had to borrow it for a few shots – some of the following pictures are mine – but some of them belong to Jared too!

I didn’t get the perfect pictures I was wishing for – but I think they turned out pretty good for the point and shoot!

April 2nd we are going to see Josh Gracin at MU!