Today Fitzy is 40 weeks old. FORTY. I cannot believe how much my life has changed in 40 weeks – I also can’t believe that in 12 short weeks our baby boy will be ONE!

LOOK AT THAT FACE! He is such a happy lovey baby!

That’s his newest favorite face!

He is such a little ham!

Oh Fitzy – I just adore your little face! You can hardly tell that you are so sick and stuffy.

Thankfully we got an antibiotic for his ear infection. He lost two pounds over the weekend since he stopped eating baby food but ate his breakfast like the normal piggy baby he is this morning!

He still gets up twice in the night but hasn’t been having his 4 AM parties – so that’s a plus!

In “new” baby news – I started bleeding a little yesterday and my doctor was awesome and got me right in for an ultrasound and blood work.

Yesterday marked 8 weeks according to my schedule. I’ve seen an 8 week ultrasound – I have a friend who is due right around the time we are and she was spotting and asked me to pray. She sent me the photos of her baby at 8 weeks. At 8 weeks on an ultrasound you can see a heart beating.

We didn’t get a photo yesterday. The tech measured my ovaries and then the gestational sac and the yolk sac. She told me that the blood work would have to confirm. I knew then. Even though I kind of knew something was wrong. With our first baby – I didn’t feel sick. I was exhausted but never sick. With Fitzy I was sick every morning. I haven’t been sick this time. I’ve been overly exhausted but not sick.

Our doctor called and told us the results – which I knew were not good. He said that he can’t tell for SURE but with blood work comparisons on Friday he will know for certain – but more than likely we will miscarry this baby. It looks like a blighted ovum – a type of miscarriage in which the baby either never develops or stops growing at a very early stage in pregnancy and then disintegrates – but a gestational sac does develop and the body does not recognize that the baby is missing. Googled that for you.

Now – it COULD be wrong – but I highly doubt it. Not because I don’t believe that God is still God and still performs miracles. But because I just haven’t felt right – haven’t felt pregnant. I haven’t really attached myself to this baby – it’s hard because once you’ve had a miscarriage you have this fear in the back of your mind that it will happen again. I had it with Fitzy but as soon as I was getting sick I felt better – I wanted to throw up EVERY MORNING if it meant that baby was still there.

Blighted ovum or not – I believe that life starts at the MOMENT of conception – so I believe that Enoch and our little baby (which I like to think would have been a girl – Joy (short for Joyce after my two grandmothers) Christina are in heaven. I believe that we will see them again. They have never felt pain or anger or fear or loss. They have only known the hugs of Jesus and His love and awesomeness.

So – it’s a waiting game to find out the comparative blood tests. Last time it took about a week after our ultrasound to miscarry.

More blogs will be coming once we find out the results and what not. I also plan on being back on facebook Sunday (I HAVE to make it to two weeks) BUT things will be completely different. I will not put up with crap. I will not put up with your insecurities that you blame on me. I will not participate in 13 year old gossip and attitudes.

I truly believe that God has used our miscarriage(s) to help those around us. Please keep praying for the now over 30 women and men on my list that want to hold sweet ones in their arms. You ask what you can do to help. Pray. Pray for me that anger and bitterness and jealousy and judgement don’t take over. I love to capture bellies and babies – but I get very angry when I should have had and don’t. I get bitter. I tend to pass judgement on who really deserves a baby or not. It’s not fair – but life’s not fair. PERIOD. So please pray that for me – cus I get angry about even the closest friends and family members that are pregnant or SEEM to not struggle with their pregnancies. And don’t tell me that at least we lost this “baby” while it wasn’t really a “baby” yet. I can promise you a kick in the neck.

To those of you who TRULY care and love us – thank you! I appreciate you more than you know! To those of you that don’t – I’m praying you can forgive me for whatever wrong I’ve done against you – if you are reading this and you think it’s about you – it most likely is.

Sometimes I’m a jerk. Sometimes I talk about people and get mad about things that never really happened – I just like to think they did. Sometimes I get jealous – really really jealous. Sometimes I state my opinion when in fact it would have been better in the long (and short) run if I had kept it to myself. Sometimes I’m selfish.

I want to be the hands & feet of Jesus – to go where He sends me. But I don’t want to be a jerk doing it.

Since starting barden photography – I’ve had the opportunity to mentor a few aspiring photographers – and it always seemed to burn me in the end. I’ve lost clients because bringing on an assistant didn’t work. I’ve lost clients to the people that were starting a business. I’ve been very VERY upset about this. I’ve felt cheated and hurt and in some ways betrayed. It’s been about MY feelings. I forget that I once was an aspiring photographer whose friends supported me. I started out at lower prices and clients came to me instead of “better – more established” photographers. I didn’t think of any of this then – because I wasn’t getting hurt. I’ve apologized and asked for forgiveness. I’m sure I’ve missed people. So – if I’ve been short when you asked for advice, if I’ve written a status on facebook that hurt you (which is a WHOLE other blog in itself) – if I haven’t encouraged you and supported you – I apologize.

When I decided to become a “photographer” and start my own business – I didn’t even think about having babies in the picture. Photography was my identity. Everything depended on the amount of clients and what clients stayed “loyal” to me. I’m having a VERY hard time with facebook lately. There are LOTS of photographers popping up all over – and I see my beautiful clients in their photos – and I think “why aren’t they in mine?” It shouldn’t matter – it doesn’t matter – in the long run. Why? Because it’s not why I’m here. It’s been an added bonus – but it’s not why I live and breathe. I live and breathe to share the love of Jesus. To be His hands and feet. To be a daughter – a sister – a niece – a friend – a wife – a mother. It’s awesome that God has given me this gift and vision to capture people. I’m thankful for that – and for all of you that I’ve met.

I’m not booking as quickly as I used to – and sometimes I freak out about that. I know that I am not the best – I know that I’m not the cheapest – I know that I am not that friend you are supporting with their new business. It still hurts. It still sucks. BUT – I am a momma now. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE spending time with this little boy. He is growing faster than I could have ever imagined and I feel like I am missing out – even though I am home with him. I have friends I’ve been praying for that are having babies. I have 20+ more friends that I am praying for to be blessed with babies. And I know that God is nudging me to focus on being a momma and a wife and a child of God – and a sister and a niece and a daughter and a friend.

And His hands and feet.

We had Fitzy dedicated at Liberty Bible Church on May 29th! My family was all here and we couldn’t think of a more perfect time to do it!

During a dedication we thank God for this beautiful baby – for lending him to us and asking His direction in raising him. Our families and the church agree to hold us accountable in raising Fitz under God’s direction! We asked Jared’s dad, Rob Fitzgerald, my brother, and Dan Fitzgerald to say a prayer for our little guy!

Derek asked if I wanted him to hold Fitzy up like in The Lion King – I said OF COURSE!

Our pastor – Lon – with the babe!

The Fitzgerald family – minus Dave & Christy!

Dan showing Fitzy some love!

My sister with her sweet nephew – Jessica and Derek with the little guy!

My parents and Jared’s parents with their first grandson!

We are so thankful for our parents and the love they have shown us! We’ve had GREAT examples to lead is into parenthood!

Thank You God for allowing us the joy of raising this baby! We pray above all that he grows up to love and follow You!

I love spring! I love the smell of fresh grass, the buds on all the trees, and the flowers – oh how I love the flowers!

Normally I document the coming spring at each moment – but this year we were in the hospital over those three days welcoming our own spring miracle!

Here are some of the shots I took last month!

Remember – God takes care of the flowers in the field – and YOU are so much more important to Him – He will take care of you!!

“We rode into town the other day
Just me and my Daddy
He said I’d finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man
That my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes

So I said “Daddy, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is He dressed in that bright purple robe?
I’ll bet that crown hurts Him more than He shows
Daddy, please can’t you do something?
He looks as though He’s gonna cry
you said he was stronger than all of those guys
addy, please tell me why
Why does everyone want him to die?”

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And Daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide

So after he left I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said, “Father, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for My robe?
This crown of thorns hurts Me more than it shows
Father, please can’t You do something?
I know that You must hear My cry
I thought I could handle the cross of this size
Father, remind Me why
Why does everyone want Me to die?
When will I understand why?”

“My precious Son, I hear them screaming
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe You in robes of My own
Jesus, this hurts Me much more than You know
But this dark hour I must do nothing
Though I’ve heard Your unbearable cry
The power in Your blood destroys all of the lies
Soon You’ll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look there below, see the child
Trembling by her father’s side
Now I can tell You why
She is why You must die”

Nicole Nordeman sings this song – powerfully!

if you are lost today – YOU CAN FIND PEACE!

if you are wondering if you are worth it – YOU ARE!

Jesus died for YOU! You are that little girl trembling – afraid – lost – and God LOVES YOU!

I pray that this Good Friday would be YOUR Good Friday!

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

That is the “verse” we have chosen for Fitzgerald as his life verse!

We are so excited to raise this little baby with God’s direction!

I don’t even know what the prize might be – but I want to run a contest about Fitzy’s birth!

Make sure to comment on this blog post with your guess on his birthday – the time – his weight – his length!

I’m not sure if there will be one winner or four!

THIS CONTEST ENDS APRIL 24th – which marks 38 weeks!

More than anything – I am so excited to see his little face!!!!

We have been attending Liberty Bible Church since October – and are loving it!

A few weeks ago – the sermon focused on the giants you face in life.

David faced his own giant in Goliath. Instead of seeing the giant and realizing the impossible – he saw the giant and realized the possible – that he couldn’t miss! David was an optimist – much unlike myself! He faced his giant and he won!

Our pastor asked what our giants were in our own life – addiction – anger – worry – hatred – you get the point.

Right now in my life – my giants are jealousy and anger and fear.

There are times that I still feel jealous and angry when I find out about someone expecting. When that person didn’t have to try very hard – didn’t have to struggle for a beautiful miracle – doesn’t even know what is lying in their own womb – so precious. It’s hard to have those feelings – to admit to those feelings.

I look at other photographers and wonder why I can’t be at their level. I look at everyone around me buying cameras and wonder where my business is headed.

I get so caught up with what I think should happen with my babies – Fitzy and barden photography – that I don’t let God take control. Remember – I am a control freak and giving that up – even to God – is very difficult.

I want to not worry about Fitzy – whether he has moved in a few hours or not – whether he is okay in there – what will happen when he is born and we bring him home and he is actually ours! What happens when I’m not a perfect parent and I mess up – make mistakes – will it affect him greatly. What happens when he is at a friend’s house and has a piece of hard candy and I’m not there to make sure he sits down while he is eating it! (I hate seeing kiddos with hard candy – it makes me a nervous wreck) When he goes to school that first day and I’m not there! His first sleepover – his first time driving – that first time driving without me in the car – when he goes to college – gets married – has babies of his own! Oh my!

I want to not worry about photography – will I get enough to make it by this month – will I get enough weddings for the year – will I lose the clients I love – will facebook really hurt me or help me! I love that God gave me this passion and talent – I love that I get to share it with so many of you. Through this blog and my sessions – my clients have become friends – dear friends! I’ve been struggling lately with some issues that I need to give to God in regards to this baby. Please pray for me!

So – those are my giants – what are yours ?

You don’t have to share them with me – or anyone – just think about it – pray about it – give it to God!

Why are YOU here? On this earth – in THIS country – residing in THIS town – knowing the people that you know?

I know the answer.

To share the good news of Jesus with everyone you meet – everyone you know – everyone you come in contact with!

Do you do it? I don’t. I need to.

Why is it so hard – the people in my life are people that I want to go to heaven – to escape the eternity of hell we all deserve.

There are people that aren’t in my life – that I have never met – the need to know Jesus. EVERYONE needs to know Jesus – everyone needs to be spared the eternity of hell.

Why is it that I can’t talk to my best friends about the importance of accepting Jesus – my grandparents – my aunts and uncles?

Why is it that I can write about it so openly on here – it’s not anonymous – you know who I am.

My aunt L – my DEAR aunt L – recently started an evangelism class. In her class there was a challenge – to share the love of Christ with one person you didn’t know that week. Most of the time I think it’s much easier to share with someone you don’t know than someone you do. If you share with someone you don’t know and they think you are crazy – you don’t have to see them again – most likely! When you share your love of Jesus with someone you know – someone you are close to – and they think you are crazy – you don’t have anywhere to go!

And that reason alone is one of the big reasons why I don’t share the way I should – which is weird because I normally don’t care what people think of me!

So here goes with the first step!

God created the universe – every last ounce of matter! He created you and me. He loves you and me. We sin – every day. Sin separates us from God – Jesus bridges that gap. Jesus is God’s son – who died – for you and me. He takes on our sin so that we don’t have to live in hell for eternity – be separated from God. Ask Him into your heart – ask Him into your life! Ask Him to CHANGE your life – to change the way you think – the way you interact – the way you LIVE!

You will not regret it!!

So I leave you with this challenge – this week share Jesus with someone you don’t know – let me know how it goes!

Next week – share with someone you DO know – someone that doesn’t know Jesus – let me know how it goes!

Praying for your encounters!!

The Birth of Jesus – Luke 2:1-20

¹ In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. ² (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) ³ And everyone went to their own town to register.

⁴ So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. ⁵ He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. ⁶ While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, ⁷ and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

⁸ And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹ An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰ But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. ¹¹ Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. ¹² This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

¹³ Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

¹⁴ “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

¹⁵ When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

¹⁶ So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. ¹⁷ When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, ¹⁸ and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹ But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. ²⁰ The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Can you imagine being those shepherds? Just sitting there watching your sheep at night – making sure nothing attacks – making sure they are all there – and then – AN ANGEL APPEARS! The angel tells them that a Savior is born – the Messiah – the Lord! More angels come and sing and exalt God! Then the shepherds look at each other and say – let’s go check this out!

I love this account telling of the shepherds – I just cannot put myself in their shoes! They find Mary and Joseph and Jesus – did they ask to hold Him – did they kiss His tender little head – did they give Him back to Mary when he started crying? Did those shepherds tell their own grandchildren that they once held the Savior of the world as a baby – that THEY were the messengers of God to spread the good news?

Today – as Fitzy jumps around in my tummy – I am humbled that God would let me borrow him for a while – that God trusts us with His precious creation. I am wondering what exactly Mary was thinking – was she concerned with the fact that He was indeed the Savior of the world or more so that He would sleep through the night?

Thank You God for giving Your Son – Jesus. Thank you Mary for being a wonderful momma to our Lord. Thank you Joseph for loving your Son and His mother. Thank you shepherds for being in that field that night!

Dave brought his team to LBC in October for a concert!

Not only is Dave pretty much Jared’s brother – but also a fantastic worship leader!

If you haven’t bought Dave’s CD – Hope of Heaven – you NEED to!

I had to get a few shots of Lon – the pastor at LBC!

Dave and his worship team!

Thank you so much Dave for following God’s call on your life – it was an amazing concert!