Last year on March 11th – two days after our first OB appointment – I wrote this:

I am sure that many of you know by now – but I wanted to give an update on our little one.

Monday afternoon was my first MD appt – YAY – I was so excited and nervous and anxious – Jared’s mom went with me so that we could wait for further along for Jared to see ultrasound images and what not. I didn’t know that I would be getting an ultrasound – but I had Brenda come in with me because I knew she would want to see. The anticipation was so intense – waiting to see your child on the screen actually growing inside you -

and waiting and waiting and waiting -

to see nothing – as soon as the screen came up – I knew – I knew that I was supposed to be seeing the form of a little baby – and nothing but blackness.

The doctor kept hmmmm’ing and trying his best – but eventually said – well – this happens – this is the picture that we want to see at 9 weeks – which you are – and even if you were 6 weeks – this is the picture we like to see – and as you can see – we cannot see any of that.

He suspects that the baby stopped growing and developing weeks ago – he sent me for blood tests to measure my levels then we took them again today to compare and figure out what needs to be done.

Last year my sister found out she was pregnant in January and miscarried in March – it was heart breaking and I didn’t know the words – the emotions – the sympathy to give her. I do now. I called her and cried and really understood what she went through exactly a year ago.

Jared’s mom held me and cried and prayed with me at the doctor’s office – I was so thankful that she was there. When I went to get blood taken – Denis – a dear friend from years ago – was the one working – what a blessing – to be able to hug him and cry and have someone I love like a brother right there with me.

I called Jared at work really quick before the day ended and had to tell him what we didn’t see. I wanted to be able to be there with him for that moment – I wanted to come home and give him a picture of his child that I am carrying. I was looking forward to that emotion – that moment – I have been looking forward to it since the day we found out – and to have to call him and tell him that I have nothing to show him once I get home – it was the worst news I have ever had to give someone.

Jared and I held Schrute and cried and cried Monday night – I called my family and a few close friends to let them know what happened – and Jared went to play basketball to get his feelings out on the court – I held Schrute and told him how much I loved him and how great it was to have him here RIGHT NOW.

Amy – my boss and friend – let me take the day yesterday to be home and rest and cry and pray and think – Jared and I slept in with Schrute nestled right up to my tummy – he wouldn’t have it any other way – I worked on pictures – my therapy – while Jared played video games – his therapy.

Mara brought us lunch and we met with Pastor and his wife in the afternoon to talk and pray and cry and ask questions – those questions that you know the answers to but have to ask anyway – WHY – HOW – WHAT DID I DO – IF ONLY – CAN WE DO THIS AGAIN – WHAT NOW – they helped to feel out our emotions and just cry and pray with us.

The next stop on the agenda was to see Johna and sweet Macy – I didn’t know if I could go – should I cancel – I can’t see a baby right now – but then I thought – NO – I HAVE to see that baby right now – and kiss her and hold her and love her – so that is what we did – Mara and I met with Johna to discuss a project we have in the making – we will announce it soon – while I tried my best to pay attention and put in some input while holding Macy – marveling at the little life that God entrusts us to as parents – and knowing that the only place I would rather my child be RIGHT NOW if not in mine or Jared’s arms is in the arms of our Father.

Amy had told me that I could take the day again if I needed it – but I told her – what am I going to do – lay in bed and cry – I need to be somewhere doing something – enjoying life – not dwelling on what I cannot control.

Then comes the guilt because I feel that I am doing okay – should I be feeling okay – shouldn’t I be crying – it is such a strange and confusing mix of emotions.

We have decided to name this child Enoch – Jared names his son Enoch in the Old Testament – and there is not much said about Enoch other than Enoch did not die – Enoch was taken from this earth and walked with God and he was no more – our little Enoch was taken and is walking with God.

Jared and I are utterly heartbroken – we feel lost and broken and damaged and yet we know that we are LOVED. God also lost His son – He knows what we are feeling – God lost His son so that we might have life – that we might have children to love – that we can love and be loved – by God.

I want to thank each and every one of you that have prayed for us – contacted us in any way and sent your love and your thoughts and your prayers – told your stories of – it happened to me and now see what blessings we have – held us and let us cry – THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU – it is because of this GREAT support system that we are able to move on – that we are able to get out of bed and not cry all day.

Thank you family – thank you friends – there is nothing more that I can say than THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU …

Thank you Jared – thank you for loving me – for holding me – for being my husband and going through this with me – there is no one else I want to go through this with – I know that I want to have babies with you – I have known from the moment you told me you loved me – thank you for being my rock – thank you for loving Jesus more than you love me.

It is not only because of this great support system – it is because of the Lord Jesus – He is the ONLY source of ultimate comfort.

If you do not know Him – if you do not have a personal relationship with Him – I URGE you to do so. I have no idea – and it hurts too much to think about – where I would be right this moment without the love and promises of Jesus written on my heart.

God is good – all the time – even now in the face of this loss – this heartbreak – this experience that I honestly never thought I would have to face and go through – a experience that has knocked me out – I am at a loss for words – except for the 1166 words written above  – and I know that the love Jesus Christ has for me is the reason I am standing today.

The words still hold every ounce of their meaning – still make me choke up when I read them.

I believed that we would get pregnant again – that we would have a baby in our arms during this time. That we would have a baby by the time our first due date came around. I have said my good-byes to Enoch. I know he is safe and loved.

The thing I’m struggling with is that we aren’t getting pregnant again. I’ve watched so many of my friends get pregnant this past year and have miracles in their arms while I continue to wait and hope and pray and question and cry.

I cannot believe that it’s been a year since I sat in that hospital room with my MIL waiting to see our child. 2009 kicked us while we were down and buried our heads in the mud and 2010 keeps pushing us down further.

I would like to say thank you to everyone who has been praying for us. Everyone who has been trying to encourage us.

Having hope is a really big struggle for me. Who says that we will have a child. I can believe it all I want -  I believed it all this past year. I have been asking God what He has for us – whether or not that plan includes a child or children. I hear nothing. People keep saying – it will happen – just relax. My question is – how do you know that? There are lots of people that want children and don’t get that blessing. I hope that we ARE the people that get to have them – but I am exhausted. I get my hopes up only to have them brought down. I am having a hard time hoping without getting my hopes up!

If we don’t get pregnant this month – we will go see a specialist. Jared and I both feel that if it is something “simple” – like a hormone imbalance or a supplement we have to use – we will go down that road. If it’s something more complex needing further tests and procedures then we will have our answer – that God does not intend for us to have children.

We are both very open to adoption – but it is very expensive and something that we cannot afford – at least not in the near future. And I long to be pregnant – to carry our child – to feel that miracle.

Please continue to pray for us – for direction – for God to show us what we should be doing – and for peace.