WELCOMING BABY *E*

Filed under: . babies . babies . babies .,an hour in the life,babes,family,lifestyle — admin at 10:51 am on Thursday, April 18, 2019

I always make sure to get these shots – because you’ll forget they ever happened!!

GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE!!

I don’t think I mentioned it – but Shalane and I bonded over our love of all things nerdy (and pop-culture-y) and our love for Jesus!

I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine. And he shall be my squishy!

Shalane & Brent – I AM SO OVERJOYED for you both! THANK YOU for asking me into your hearts and your home!!

WELCOMING BABY *E*

Filed under: . babies . babies . babies .,an hour in the life,babes,family,lifestyle — admin at 10:35 am on Wednesday, April 17, 2019

LOVE!!!

I wear your granddad’s clothes. I look incredible.

THOSE CHEEKS!!

ONE MORE BLOG POST!!!

WELCOMING BABY *E*

Filed under: . babies . babies . babies .,an hour in the life,family,lifestyle,newborns — admin at 10:56 am on Tuesday, April 16, 2019

I met Shalane on the interwebs somehow – FACEBOOK probably! She has always submitted a family for BEAUTIFUL and has the sweetest of souls.

They’ve been married for 15 years and she’s been on my mommas in wanting list since I’ve known her.

AND NOW – NOW they have their own little baby in their own little house!!

I’m always amazed at how teeny tiny newborns are – even though I’ve had two of my own!!

When I told Shalane that her baby shower gift was a session – she said she would LOVE an “hour in the life” session once their baby boy was home!

That might be my FAVORITE shot!!

LOOK AT THAT LITTLE MAN!!!

I LOVE THAT – his momma can’t get enough of him – holding that tiny little hand!!

Stay tuned for the rest of their session – because – as usual – I took TOO many photos!!

 

 

*L* FAMILY

Filed under: an hour in the life,family,just because,kiddos,lifestyle — admin at 11:21 am on Monday, April 15, 2019

JUMP!!

JUMP!! JUMP!!

I LOVE THOSE SHOTS!!

Maybe – MAYBE we’ll get ONE shot!!

LOOK AT THAT – EVERYBODY is looking in the same direction!

Cindy – THANK YOU so much for asking me to photograph your family year after year!!

*L* FAMILY

Filed under: adoption,an hour in the life,family,just because,kiddos,lifestyle — admin at 11:57 am on Friday, April 12, 2019

I’ve been taking pictures of Cindy and her family for a few years now!

We met on a beautiful April afternoon and captured their family exactly as it is!!

I ADORE THAT SHOT!!

Stay tuned for the rest of their session!!

REVELATIONS

Filed under: bardenisms,family,my family,my town,newsworthy,the marriage fight,word of God — admin at 12:19 pm on Saturday, April 6, 2019

BEFORE – DURING – DURING – there will be lots of these during pictures I’m sure.

That jutty out part on the left – WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT THING!?

So – it had to come out – which revealed so much. Too much.

Revelations. Peeling back the UGLY layers to reveal … more ugly. Brokenness.

There is only one answer to this problem.

TRUST GOD.

And I know that it’s ALWAYS the answer. I feel like in so many situations – you CAN do something.

There has to be an answer. But – there is not a tangible one.  One I can see and touch. One I can feel.

A friend commented on my last blog about this house -

“Especially after this part. “The glass isn’t only half empty but the water has also run out.”

The desert. Harsh and unforgiving.The desert has always signified trial. 40 years in the desert for God’s people, certainly one long and arduous trial.

This house may be your desert. The place where you come to the end of yourself. Where you run out of Danielle reserves. Let it.

“Because the thing that makes the desert so beautiful is that somewhere, there hides a well”.

And we have hope in that living water.

And once you are out of your own way, Jesus can fill that part with cool, clear, life giving water. Brutal, heart wrenching honesty leads to immeasurable growth. Keep going.”

I’m sure that this house IS my desert. And the thought of that …

And yet another friend -

“I love the story of Hagar in the desert. She’s taken her baby son to a dry and desolate place to die alone, but God… He calls to her, tells her His plan for her survival, and prophecies the great destiny that awaits her once she-and this is the hard part-returns to her place in the house of an unsympathetic and harsh master. For the first time in her life she feels seen. Really seen, and known, and loved! And it all came when she was at her lowest point. Amazing!!!”

I don’t know how to be hopeful right now. I don’t know how to live moment to moment. I don’t know how to trust.

I’m here. In the desert. For a long time.

MAKING THIS HOUSE

Filed under: bardenisms,family,just because,my family,my town,newsworthy,project,the marriage fight,word of God — admin at 5:14 pm on Sunday, March 31, 2019

Wednesday night I sat down to write a blog about this house. This process. This pain.

And I wrote and wrote and re-read and cried and SOBBED and hysterically SOBBED. And what I read was mean. Not nice in any way.

In all the things we’ve gone through – miscarriages and infertility – relationships gone wrong and pornography – a manic breakdown and the depression that came after – I’ve been able to write.

I’ve been able to say hard things – admit fears and doubts. Be raw and honest.

And as I list those things we’ve been through – HARD things – IMPOSSIBLE things – this was ridiculous. It’s a house. I can make it through ALL those things and not THIS “little” thing?!

I knew that those words would be whiny. I knew that those words would be really hard for some people to read. And that night – I exploded. And I erased everything I wrote.

Because it was mean and angry and hateful and … I was not in a good place. A really really bad place.

I went upstairs and told Jared through sobs that I was going to bed. He sat up straight and said – what’s wrong? (I was acting like someone had died) I said – ALL OF THIS. ALWAYS. THIS!!!

I laid in bed and sobbed. I think the last time I cried like that was nearly 6 years ago when Jared told me the depths of his addiction. He sat on the bed and said – do you want to be alone?

And that guy – that amazing husband of mine that loves me so very well – he was stuck either way. I was having one of those “don’t touch me – hug me” moments. Have you ever heard of them? Experienced them? Just me – okay. I’ll try to explain. There are times when I am so angry and out of sorts that the last thing I want is a hug – but don’t you dare walk away from me. Hug me – don’t touch me. Love me – leave me. WHY DON’T YOU DO WHAT I WANT!! (but – I don’t know what I want) So what is a guy to do with a crazy wife – remember when Jared was diagnosed bipolar and the people in my life were like WHAT!? JARED!? I mean – you – yes. Makes complete sense – but Jared – no way. It was one of those moments. Are we sure that it’s really him and not me that’s bipolar?!

So he stayed with me – not touching me – until I reached out for him. Because really – I was mad at him. And I’d like to tell you that I am really good at accepting blame for the things I do. And I am. But THIS – I didn’t do this. He did this to me. I didn’t want to live here. He made this decision without me. Which isn’t totally true. I did tell him that I didn’t want to live here. However – two people needed to sign papers and he didn’t forge my signature. And please don’t think that I’ve been living the last 14 years punishing him day in and day out for this decision. I haven’t. But – when I’m living in skunk – when the ceiling falls down – when the pipes freeze over and over – when there are men working on my house – especially rooms I don’t even walk in – I blame him. It’s not pretty. I don’t love admitting it. But I tell myself that I’m justified in my actions. I am miserable. He should be too. And since he’s not – I can make him. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! Please tell me that you’ve thought this way too. Or am I alone in this!? Like – the hug me – don’t touch me moment!? It’s awful. It’s shameful. It’s not grace. It’s not love.

It’s anger. And what is anger based on!?

I mentioned on FACEBOOK after our people showed up to work on our house with us that I LOVE my people. My Aunt Lori is one of my people – she didn’t show up yesterday – but she texted me after the word vomit I did end up putting on the interwebs. After a few questions and answers she asked me this – anger is usually based in fear – so what are you afraid of?!

Listen – just let me be mad okay. Let me be angry and be a jerk and be justified in my actions and my words. I’m hurting and I want EVERYONE to know that it’s NOT MY FAULT and it’s an injustice. And you should hurt too.

And then my people swoop in and ask hard questions and show up and let me cry and be mean.

I’m afraid of two things – 1. That I will live in this house that I hate forever – this house I never wanted to be in and be stuck. 2. That we will have no wiggle room in our finances and be stuck.

She said – that’s when I ask myself – what is the worst that could happen? THAT is the thing that I somehow have to turn over to God. THAT fear!!

Jared has been dealing with some anxiety lately – and I always ask him – what’s the worst that could happen? Nothing close to those things have happened. So – what’s the problem?

Our anxieties manifest in different ways.

In general – Jared’s cause him to curl up on himself and not do much and think.

My anxiety comes out in a controlling rage. Mine cause me to explode and do ALL the things – ANYTHING except sit and think. Let me FIX something. ANYTHING. ALL THE THINGS. I’ve been organizing and getting rid of STUFF. And don’t get me wrong – I LOVE doing this. But it’s also a coping mechanism for my anxiety. I’ve been helping my people get rid of STUFF. Because I can’t sit still. Maybe I do operate in a sort of mania?!

Yesterday we tore off the back porch to get ready for the siding on the back of the house – the last step – in that process. When Sierra asked what we needed – Jared said we had a few things but not much. I said – we have 3 hammers. Cus – let’s be clear – we’ve got NOTHING and NO IDEA. The only idea I have is that I hate this and it’s huge and swallowing me up and it’s awful and horrible.

So Sierra & Jose came with their tools at 9. Cody came with his tools. That’s it. That’s all that said – we will be there. So this is it – take it away guys – cus we don’t know where to start. But – Dan and his family showed up. Jason and his son came. Scott – a friend I haven’t seen in over ten years – showed up. Mark showed up. Johna came. We had lots of kiddos in and out – running around. We had lots of hands filling the dumpster. We had lots of guys climbing on the roof and ripping it apart. By noon – the dumpster was full – pizza was served and the unsightly porch was gone – the only evidence being a few shingles here and there and the discoloration on the house from the old and the now exposed.

Jose and I were talking about the potential this house has (which is really hard for me to see – mostly because I don’t even want to) and I told him that my REAL fear is that someday I might like this house.

I typed that in a whisper. Because I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want to admit that. I don’t want to be … wrong.

PRIDE is a crazy thing. We would rather stay in anger and despair and be MISERABLE than admit that we might have been wrong. We might not have been justified in our actions and jerkiness.

I was telling Johna and Sierra this later – and Johna said – but we love you. The people that love you and are cheering for you aren’t going to say – I told you so.

Johna said something else that made me think – (everyone seems to love our house and see the potential and she’s no exception) but she said – you Danielle – are so unique – I can’t imagine you in new construction. This house is so … you. And I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. We walked through the house – into the attic – where Jose said – oh yeah. We can do this. And this – and this. We can do this!

I didn’t cry yesterday – but I’m crying now. Because in less than 3 hours yesterday – our people swooped in and fought for us. For me. When I have been MISERABLE and mean.

And like I said – my people swoop in and ask hard questions and show up and let me cry and be mean. BUT THEY DON’T LET ME STAY THERE.

THAT IS GRACE.

I recently had a conversation with my sister about the things we’re doing that hurt each other. Jealousies and assumptions and anger and blame and … you know – really fun stuff. But it was the first time that we’ve had that conversation (cus we’ve had it a bit) and actually figured some stuff out.

Missy texted me the lyrics of a song that she thought of when she was praying for me.

My friends – my family – my people – they strengthen me. They help me. They get it – but they also know that you can’t stay in it.

I love you guys. SO MUCH. I can’t thank you enough for speaking truth and life and love and hope …

I’m a realist who tends to fall on the pessimist end of things. That deep and lovely dark – we’d never see the stars without it. I believe that life is mostly about the hard things.

Hope is a hard one for me. The glass isn’t only half empty but the water has also run out.

Life IS mostly about the hard things. But it’s also about the people that swoop in during the hard things and point you to hope.

I still don’t love this house – dare I say it … yet. Maybe I never will.

I’m still really afraid of how much this all costs and how we’re going to do it and still live. Not survive – but thrive. Really LIVE!

But while the water seems to have run out – God hasn’t. God doesn’t. He gives us hope in Jesus. And His water never runs out.

GRACE

Filed under: . babies . babies . babies .,an hour in the life,babes,family,just because,kiddos,lifestyle,newborns — admin at 12:13 pm on Friday, January 18, 2019

The boys could not WAIT to meet the little miss!!

Well – Fitzy couldn’t wait! So – we took Missy & Cody lunch on a Sunday and spent the day watching cooking shows and snuggling that sweet little thing!

I have a SERIOUS problem!!

BABY GIRL – you’re such a sweet little miracle!

*G* TURNS SIX!!!

Filed under: an hour in the life,family,just because,kiddos,lifestyle,parties — admin at 12:33 pm on Thursday, January 17, 2019

MORE OF EVERYTHING PLEASE!!

BABY SHARK DO DO DO DO DO!!!

I just LOVE his expressions!!

OUTSIDE IN EARLY JANUARY!? YES PLEASE!!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY *G*!!!

*G* TURNS SIX!!!

Filed under: an hour in the life,family,just because,kiddos,lifestyle,parties — admin at 1:14 pm on Wednesday, January 16, 2019

RAWR!!!!

That guy – he’s DARLING!

That guy – that’s his aunt he’s hugging – his aunt before she’s a momma herself – that SPECIAL bond!!

I CAN’T EVEN DEAL!!

ONE MORE PARTY POST!!

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