HAPPINESS OR HOLINESS

Filed under: bardenisms,just because,word of God — admin at 11:36 am on Wednesday, March 14, 2018

God doesn’t care about your happiness. He DOES care about your holiness!

So here’s the thing – we’re human right? And in our humanity – happiness can mean SO MANY THINGS. SO MANY THINGS that aren’t of God. Or from God. Or for God.

BUT it can also mean SO MANY THINGS that ARE of God! From God. For God.

So why are we convinced that God wants us to be happy. That we deserve to be happy. I would argue that God isn’t about our comfort and our happiness (the way WE define happiness) – but cares more about our lives mirroring Jesus.

Recently – our pastor said something that really put it perfectly.

THERE IS NOTHING GOOD FOR YOU OUTSIDE OF GOD. NOTHING.

NOT ONE THING.

So – since I posted my – WHY ARE WE SURPRISED blog – I’m gonna go off what I wrote in that blog.

The men that abused their power and took advantage of all the ages of both boys and girls – they did it for their own “happiness”. They were selfish. They wanted what they wanted when they wanted it. And they used their position of power to get it.

And what they did was outside of God. WAY OUTSIDE. Certainly not holiness but for their own “happiness” – and that’s what happens when words mean different things to different people.

Happiness – the state of being happy. Happy – feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Fortunate and convenient.

We have an epidemic going around lately –

I’m taking time to work on me. Making sure that I’m happy. That I get what I deserve. Because I deserve to be happy. Me. Me. Me.

No actually – you don’t. You deserve hell. I deserve hell. BUT JESUS. There is nothing in the Bible that talks about our deserving happiness.

And listen – I’m not saying that taking time to work on yourself isn’t needed. It is. I can’t write these blogs while the boys are here. Fitzy is at school and Enoch is next-door. And in that time – I’m taking time to do the things that fill me up. Write. Work on my business. Work on myself. That’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about – you hurt me and I don’t have to stay married to you. Again – in this case – I’m not talking about abuse. I’m talking about what people do to other people – because we are imperfect people. Expecting Jared to never disappoint me – is RIDICULOUS. Expecting to never have to forgive him – ABSURD. Expecting that hard things won’t come and work will be needed – you get the point. Nearly 5 years ago – when Jared was manic and crazy and making no sense and admitting to awful things – I wanted to run away. And many many people told me to run away. Leave him. He hurt you and you don’t have to take that. WHAT ABOUT YOU. TAKE CARE OF YOU. And I’ve written about this before – but photographing weddings while my husband was in the hospital – saved my marriage. I had to stand there and listen to what men and women said to each other – and I had to remember what I promised. And once the mania and the crazy wore off – he was sorry. He was repentant. He asked for forgiveness. He took/takes medication. He went to and still goes to counseling. He asked for help. And I could have just walked away – because I was NOT very happy. And honestly – I couldn’t really see happiness down the road. But – we do the hard things. And no one ever told me that I was a princess who deserved to be rescued by a prince and swept off my feet and live in a castle and have a happily ever after forever. The grass is always going to be greener on the other side. But really – it’s just greener where you water it.

I’m actually reading the Bible this year – and I recently finished Job. Can we talk about happiness here?

Job was so very happy. He had a wife. He had animals. He had children. He had wealth. He had friends. HE HAD IT ALL. He was the greatest man in all the East. His kids threw parties – and Job would get up early and make sacrifices to God on their behalf – in case they sinned. And then one day – the angels and satan came to God. God said to satan – where have you been? And satan said – oh. I’ve just been roaming the Earth – going back and forth. And God says – have you considered my servant Job? There is none like him. He is blameless and upright. He fears God and shuns evil. And satan says – yeah. but aren’t you blessing him? Aren’t you protecting him? If you take everything he has – he is sure to curse you. So God says – okay. everything he has is in your power – but on the man himself – you may not touch him. His children all died in an unfortunate wind storm that collapsed the house they were partying in. All his animals and his servants – raided or killed by fire from the heavens. Job was grieved. BUT HE DID NOT SIN BY CHARGING GOD WITH WRONGDOING. But satan didn’t stop there. He came back and said – if his life was at stake – certainly he would curse you. So God says – do what you will but you must not take his life. So Job is stricken with sores – across his entire body. His wife and his friends will him to curse God and die. There’s a lot of back-and-forth between his friends and their suggestions. But Job doesn’t. God and Job have words together. Job says – I know that You can do all things. No purpose of yours can be thwarted. Job speaks the truth about God – and prays for his friends that didn’t. And God listens to Job – because He was quite angry with his friends. And after Job prayed for his friends – God restored his fortune to twice as much as before. God blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former. He had 7 sons and 3 daughters. He saw his children’s children to the fourth generation. And Job was so very happy.

And I’m pretty sure there was not much happiness after all his children died and all his animals were killed or stolen. There was not much happiness when he was covered in sores and full of pain and despair. But – Job did not go and find happiness. He didn’t seek the happiness that he thought he deserved. He stood on the word of God. There was not much happiness involved during that time. But holiness – there was lots of holiness.

And that’s why I don’t think that God cares about our happiness – our comfort. I know that He cares about our holiness. Jesus asked God to change his mind. He asked Him to take the cup from Him. Jesus wasn’t happy about dying. He certainly wasn’t comfortable being betrayed and beaten and placed on a cross to die a slow and painful death.

I don’t deserve anything good and great in this life. Working hard sometimes doesn’t “pay off”. God never said – follow Me and you’ll have everything your heart desires. He did say – follow Me – I am ALL you will ever need.

In Luke – Jesus says –

BLESSED are you who are poor – for yours is the kingdom of God. 

BLESSED are you who hunger now – for you will be satisfied. 

BLESSED are you who weep now – for you will laugh. 

BLESSED are you when people hate you. When they exclude you and insult you. When they reject your name as evil because of the Son of Man. 

REJOICE IN THAT DAY AND LEAP FOR JOY – because GREAT is your reward in heaven! 

That doesn’t say blessed are those who are rich. Who have full bellies. Who have no reason to cry. Who are loved by the masses. Who are accepted.

We tend to equate happiness with blessing – but this passage shows us that our idea of blessed is different than Gods idea!

And this – in James –

Consider it PURE JOY whenever you face trials of many kinds. Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Let perseverance finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete – lacking nothing!  

Do you? Do you consider it PURE JOY when you face trials? I know that I don’t. And I’m pretty sure you don’t either.

When things are beautiful – when circumstances seem to be going your way – when you can breathe a little easier – do you ask God why? Why do I deserve this greatness? What have I done to be blessed so much by You?

When things are hard and ugly – when the universe seems to have it out for you – when you can barely catch your breath – you KNOW you ask God why. What have I done to deserve this? I’m trying to do the right thing. I’m trying to be a “good” person. Why God? Why?

But go back up to that verse from James – consider it PURE JOY when life throws you trials. Because your faith produces perseverance – stick-to-it-tiveness – drive – guts – tenacity – spunk – stamina – grit. The trials of life MAKE YOU STRONGER. Trials are not happy times. The verse does not say – consider it PURE JOY whenever you are exactly where you want to be. Consider it pure joy when life is easy. Consider it pure joy when your faith isn’t tested – when your faith can sit on a shelf in a pretty box.

No.

CONSIDER IT PURE JOY WHEN YOU FACE TRIALS. WHEN YOU ARE TESTED. BECAUSE TESTING STRENGTHENS YOUR FAITH. STRENGTHENS YOUR DEPENDANCE ON GOD. 

When we were almost married – Jared’s dad was diagnosed with Leukemia. Not long after we were married – Jared lost his job. We moved out of our apartment and in with his parents. Then into this house – a house that I didn’t want to come to. A house that I would still prefer to not live in – a fact that I allowed to steal my happiness. My jaw joint was falling apart – I wanted to start a family – but I could barely survive day-to-day. For two years – we tried to figure out how to manage my pain and anxiety. And once that was figured out – we got pregnant right away! And lost that baby soon after. Overall – there wasn’t a whole lot of happiness. But – I had a successful photography business and a place to write and share my heart. My pain and my joys. And because of that pain and that loss – I met some of the most important people in my life. And then we had a baby. And motherhood was beautiful and exhausting. And then we lost two more babies. And our marriage struggled. And lies and secrets swept in. And my husband was admitted to the psych ward. And we had another baby. And motherhood was beautiful and even more exhausting. And we had skunks living under our house – and I let that steal my happiness. AGAIN. And I let so many circumstantial things in life steal my happiness. AGAIN AND AGAIN. I still don’t want to live in this house. I don’t know how long it will be until we can put siding on the back of our house. I’m pretty sure our kitchen will be carpeted for years to come. I don’t know when we will have a full night’s sleep. I don’t know SO MANY THINGS. But I do know this – God is faithful. And happiness is relative. And being comfortable is a dangerous place to live.

CONSIDER IT PURE JOY WHEN YOU FACE TRIALS. WHEN YOU ARE TESTED. BECAUSE TESTING STRENGTHENS YOUR FAITH. STRENGTHENS YOUR DEPENDANCE ON GOD. 

ARE YOU WORTH IT

Filed under: bardenisms,family,love,the marriage fight,word of God — admin at 6:30 am on Friday, February 23, 2018

I read a blog recently – She Only Said Yes Once – and it resonated with me.

I shared it and it sparked some conversation on the facebook.

Here’s a part of the article – which is an article within the article – if that makes sense –

“Last October the New York Times published an article describing what sex education is like for tenth graders now in San Francisco.  A new law requires that teachers give lessons on something called “affirmative consent”.  These children are taught to ask for consent at every point in a sexual encounter.

Do you want to kiss her?  Ask for consent.  Do you want to touch her breasts?  Ask for consent again.  Do you want to take her clothes off?  Ask for consent again.  Do you want to penetrate?  Ask for consent again.

If that’s too graphic for you, just remember, this is 10th grade material. If it makes you uncomfortable, then just imagine being one of the 15 year-old kids in that classroom who are hearing those words (and many that are far more graphic) with other boys and girls their own age…the same boys and girls they used to finger-paint with in kindergarten.

One student, upon hearing that he needed to check with a girl before touching her in certain places or doing certain things, asked, “What does that mean – you have to say ‘yes’ every 10 minutes?”

“Pretty much,” the teacher answered.

Somehow that seemed extraordinarily out of place to this young man, that one would have to pause the progression of an intimate encounter to ask, over and over again, “May I do this now?”
Those aren’t exactly words of passion and romance, are they?”

And they’re NOT exactly words of passion and romance. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t teach and understand consent. Right now I’m trying hard to understand that Enoch doesn’t want a kiss. BUT THOSE CHEEKS. I have to kiss him! BUT I am also reminding the boys that when people say no – you must respect them and stop. We DO need to teach our kids consent.

My argument is this – let’s teach kids about the beauty of sex the way God intended it to be. I’m not saying – just tell your kids – WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED. JUST WAIT. BECAUSE IT’S WHAT GOD WANTS FOR YOU. When that’s all you say – it’s not going to end well.

Kids are only hearing NO NO NO – DON’T DO THIS! And all that does is send off the extra signal of – I MUST DO THIS! MOM & DAD SAID DON’T! BUT I MUST!! IT MUST BE AMAZING SINCE I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO IT. AND MOM AND DAD DO IT. I MUST.

I read one of those BUZZ-FEED time-trap things – crazy things people have overheard in conversation –

Friend A – Can you imagine marrying someone without having sex with them first?

Friend B – I can’t imagine having dinner with someone without having sex with them first.

WHAT!? Really!?

Friend A – I’m excited about this guy but I’m gonna try to keep my expectations low.

Friend B – Yes. Guard your heart but not your vagina.

Basically – YES. Exactly that.

I had a discussion with someone recently and she told me of a miscarriage she had – long before she met her husband. This guy that she was seeing – it wasn’t really THAT serious. Not serious enough to have her son – who was pretty young at the time – meet him yet. She liked to protect him from heartache if she could – until things got serious. It was there that I stopped her. I said – WAIT. You wanted to protect your son – but what about protecting yourself? Because things weren’t THAT serious? But serious enough to have sex with him? That’s pretty serious. Very serious. THE DEFINITION OF SERIOUS. Why were you having sex with this guy while in the back of your head you thought – this might not work out. You did a great job of protecting your son from heartache – but not YOUR heart. Why were you having sex with him?

She looked at me and said – Huh. You’re right.

LADIES – GENTLEMEN – I beg you. Protect your heart AND your bits.

I can’t tell you how many girls I know that have intense heartache because of sexual relationships – outside of a marriage. Shoot – I know lots of women that have heartache because of sexual relationships INSIDE their marriage – either from their husbands or the previous relationships before they were married. Sharing sex with someone is a BIG DEAL.

A BIG DEAL. Much bigger than dinner. Vulnerability at it’s best. But I would argue that people would say sitting down and sharing their feelings with their significant other is more vulnerable than having sex. We’ve made sex into nothing. Which goes into another blog I wrote about the state of our country – the world today. Why are we shocked and surprised that more and more men are being accused and found guilty of sexual crimes? We’ve done this to ourselves. But the consequences are far too severe. Far too painful. Far too close to home. Far too real.

My friend commented on the article that I shared at the beginning of this blog – and while we didn’t totally agree or have the same perspective on the issue – which brings me to say – PERSPECTIVE IS A BIG DEAL. And healthy debate and disagreement is good. But often times we forget that we are passionately SURE of our opinion just as much as the next person is passionately SURE of their opinion. And 37 years of a certain perspective will not change 37 years of their perspective.

But – something she said was very thought provoking – “And telling non-christian teens to practice abstinence until marriage is just not helpful anymore. Because without a desire to do God’s will because they know Him and have a relationship with Him, why would they bother to wait? It’s like trying to push moralism on people without the power of the Holy Spirit. And that doesn’t work.”

This was my response –

“Back when we had myspace I wrote something about the HPV vaccine and why I thought it was absolutely ridiculous. I’ve since looked for it and can’t find it – but basically – I don’t think that it’s too much to expect people to stay abstinent until marriage. I realize that in the majority of all cases – people just don’t. However – some people do. And I’m sure some people that do ARE Christians and some aren’t.

I think that the bottom line is how do you value yourself? And just like everything else in this world – no one deserves sex. it’s not some right that we “get” once we’ve reached a certain age.

I’m pretty sure i’ve shared this before – but we had a demonstration in high school once. Sally and Joe stepped onto a sheet – they were debating having sex. After all – Sally had only slept with one boy before Joe and he the same. But – the one person they both slept with had slept with two people. And those two people – two people. And those two people … you get the idea. That sheet gets full REALLY quick. It’s not just two people. It’s ALL THE PEOPLE.

Where does your self-worth come from? And in my case – Jesus. But in the cases where it’s NOT Jesus – I would say that people still value themselves. And understanding that opening yourself up to sleeping with every guy you want to – isn’t really loving yourself and showing your self-worth. So maybe just maybe (while I realize that everyone NEEDS Jesus) we really NEED a relationship with Jesus to get this. Although – I would argue that lots of Jesus loving people still don’t save sex for marriage. And I’m a realist – I can accept the reality of the world MOST times. This one is one that I have a hard time saying – it’s a lost cause. Saying – we have to figure something else out because you just can’t expect people to not have sex. But – I say it CAN happen.”

After I wrote that something about HPV – a friend said – Danielle lets her religious beliefs affect too much of her life – or something along those lines.

WHY YES. YES I DO. Thank you for noticing.

If you ARE worth it – do you think that you are valuable? Do you think that you are worth more than what you can give someone in the bedroom. Or what you can GET from someone in the bedroom? Sex outside of marriage is a selfish act. And sometimes IN marriage it’s a selfish act. We’re offended that men can’t control themselves. HOW DARE THEY – the animals. And I’m not saying it’s our responsibility to make sure the men in our lives don’t sin. Think about this – when we are handing out sex to everyone that we eat dinner with – it’s certainly not helping the cause.

ARE YOU WORTH IT? YOU CERTAINLY ARE!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Filed under: baby barden,bardenisms,holiday,just because,kiddos,lifestyle,love,my family,my town,newsworthy,word of God — admin at 11:51 am on Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Jared and I stopped giving Christmas gifts quite a while ago – typically because if we see something we want – we get it. Obviously – within reason.

We don’t really live life that way anymore – but we still don’t give gifts to each other.

BUT – Fitzy and Enoch shopped for us and for each other – so we were REALLY looking forward to opening those gifts!

That little handwriting – the excitement he could BARELY contain!

We LOVE our puzzles!!

Fitzy got Enoch a fence for his animals – his many many animals!

Enoch got Fitzy marbles and a car! And Enoch was SO surprised – he thought the things he picked out were for HIM!

We did get Jared a little gift – STAR WARS FOR LIFE!!

Fitzy picked out this sweatshirt for me! He said – MOM! It’s so ugly – I KNEW you would love it!

And the leggings – they were ONLY FOUR DOLLARS MOM!!

He asked if I would wear that sweatshirt EVERY CHRISTMAS! Yes sweet thing. Always.

Enoch got Jared a book of 5-minute STAR WARS stories!

And he got me a STAR WARS activity book and a mosaic sticker book!

Fitzy got a set of knives and his VERY OWN CUTTING BOARD!

We’ve played that game SO MUCH already!

Puzzles and games. Crayons and notebooks. Undies and matching shirts. And a lego set for Fitzy – one I’ve been holding onto for FOUR years!

I love that they didn’t need LOTS of presents under the tree. And almost everything I got them – I had bought on clearance throughout the year!! WIN WIN WIN!

Fitzy was VERY VERY excited about this lego set – he’s seen it in the closet for SO LONG! And he wasn’t expecting it because he isn’t 9 yet! And you should be 9 to build then on your own!

He worked most of Christmas day and the day after – with only a tiny bit of help from us!

I really really do not enjoy winter – but Christmas – I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!

I hope you had a lovely Christmas with the ones you love – snuggled up nice and warm doing ALL THE THINGS you love!

 

 

 

CHRISTMAS EVE

Filed under: babes,baby barden,bardenisms,family,holiday,just because,kiddos,lifestyle,my family,my town,parties,RAY,word of God — admin at 12:29 pm on Monday, February 19, 2018

My mom has had this nativity for as long as I can remember – and she let us borrow it for our Christmas Eve service!

Our Christmas Eve service had cookies and hot chocolate and some cookies and fireworks and bonfires and cookies – did I mention the cookies!?

That guy – he wants to be a hunter like his Pa!

My bestest – she’s the bestest!

Those boys love their Mara!!

That gorgeous little guy – he’s super sweet!

That special bond between a grandmother and her little guy!

I love witnessing the world through a child’s eyes! Everything becomes so MAGICAL!

Enoch really didn’t LOVE the fireworks – he ended up inside – away from the BOOMS!

I hope your Christmas was spent with the ones you love – we LOVE our church family!

SUMMER SUMMER SUMMERTIME (and a broken arm)

Filed under: bardenisms,family,farmlife,just because,kiddos,my family,my town,word of God — admin at 1:05 am on Thursday, August 31, 2017

We spent so much of our summer swimming and swimming and SWIMMING!

We visited my sister in New Jersey. We went to Sesame Place. We went to Land of Make Believe (a hidden gem in NJ).

I photographed some BEAUTIFUL WEDDINGS.

We saw APRIL THE GIRAFFE!

We spent time at the farm.

I photographed BEAUTIFUL families.

We spent a day at BUCKTAIL.

Jared & Fitzy played golf.

We volunteered at the Troy Fair.

We spent time with my brother and his family.

We got an updated picture of the Trout grandchildren.

We celebrated 4 years of mania recovery. We slept in a few hotels. We saw some exotic animals. We fed a miniature horse and goats. And some more goats. And yet more goats.

We got together with some friends from church. We walked. We went to the park. We played in the rain.

We swam. And swam. And swam some more!

I took an Instagram break for July and then August and most likely September too – but I DID make sure to take photos throughout the months!

In early August I got a message from my friend. A friend that I haven’t SEEN in person in YEARS. Years and years. She was my bestest friend EVER in Kindergarten. And first grade. And second grade. And then the school districts changed and we lost touch. But we reconnected a few years ago on FB. We’ve messaged about life and kids and Jesus and hopes and prayers. She messaged me and said – I have a strange question. I have to work out your way on Wednesday and Thursday and I was hoping that maybe you could watch my kiddos? Her daughter L is 11 and her son J is 6. I told her that I had some errands to run and we would most likely go swimming – but if she was okay with that and they were okay with never having met me – then yes! I had already told my friend J that I would keep her daughter on Thursday – she’s 9 – so L would have someone to bond with!

She dropped them off on Wednesday and the boys took to her kids within minutes. They acted like they were long-lost friends! We walked around the track at MU and then ate lunch and picked up M a day early and went swimming! If you know me – you might know that I don’t really love being around children and water. It stresses – STRESSED – me out. I’ve gotten SO MUCH BETTER! And for 3 hours – 5 kids swam and laughed and had the BEST TIME! J didn’t want to go home at the end of they day – but they were all excited about seeing each other in the morning!

We went to my MOPS childcare meeting – picked out the paint for our trim – and then stopped at the park! My dearest and best Missy came along and we set our bags down and made our way across the playground when I hear little J behind me say – I think I broke my arm. I was turning around saying – Oh honey. I’m sure it’s just fine … OH NO. NOT FINE. He was holding his left arm – all bent and CERTAINLY broken. He wasn’t really even crying. He said – it hurts! It hurts! So Missy called 911 and I called his mom and told her that J broke his arm and we were calling the ambulance and to meet us at the hospital. NOT MY MOST ANTICIPATED PHONE CALL TO MAKE. His sister rode along in the ambulance with us – for the 3 blocks to the hospital. Missy kept my two kids and M at the playground. So I texted my friend J to let her know that the little boy in my care broke his arm and her daughter was now with Missy at the playground. He was so strong. And so very very brave. He barely cried. This 6 year-old boy who just met me and broke his arm without his mom around – barely cried. Until he realized that it meant we wouldn’t be swimming that afternoon – THEN the tears came!

It’s the nightmare that you hope to never experience when you’re watching someone else’s child! And in this case – a child I JUST met the day before! His mom came and hugs happened and x-rays were taken and calls were made. He needed surgery but the hospital local to them couldn’t fit him in until MONDAY night. This was THURSDAY morning! So – the orthopedic that works here in Wellsboro – who doesn’t typically see children – stayed late and performed the surgery. WITH PINS. Seriously. This wasn’t just a small crack – this was a SERIOUS break! So – they waited until the end of the day – and I took his sister back to the park and picked up my kiddos and M. We ate lunch and went swimming and had ice cream for dinner! I took M home and then drove L to the hospital to stay with her mom and brother for the night! The doctor wanted to wait until the morning to put the cast on – his little arm was SO swollen!

And then I finally took a breath. Fitzy had said to me – mom – do you think that their mom will EVER let us see them again?! And I said – well that’s a good question – but I think she will. She’s cool like that. And we did. Saturday – L & J came up to my parents to spend the day with us while their mom was at work. GG joked – OH is THIS the kid whose arm you broke Danielle?! J said – she didn’t BREAK MY ARM! She was just watching me while I broke my arm! On the way back to the park on Thursday – L had said to me – you know what the funny part is? People are going to say to my mom – now exactly WHO was watching your kids when this happened? And mom will say – you remember Danielle right? From grade school – well – we stay in touch online – she was watching them. And THEN my mom will bring up a picture of you and they’ll say – oh so this woman from grade school who now has a shaved head and a sleeve of tattoos? Well … no WONDER he broke his arm! We laughed and laughed! She is such a GREAT kid – and that M – she is such a GREAT kid! I was a little sad that I don’t have the little girls I envisioned having in my life! BUT – that’s a different blog for a different day! And I’m so thankful that I have friends with little girls that I get to hang out with!

And as I sit here writing this blog – 3 weeks after J broke his arm falling off the zip-liney tracky thingy at the playground – I am so thankful that a friendship that was so strong in our early elementary years has reignited and we’ve seen each other quite a few times since it happened.

And that forgiveness is strong. And real. And living out what Jesus taught us is real. This afternoon – we had lunch with J and his mom on our front porch. I made lunch and she cut watermelon while the boys played. We talked about life and marriage and kids and parents and anything and everything that came to mind – and two hours FLEW by! And as we hugged good-bye – with the intention of getting together this coming weekend – I said – while I’m not thankful for J breaking his arm – I am certainly thankful that it’s given us the chance to actually see each other. And to catch up. And to strengthen a bond started so long ago!

S – thank you for forgiveness! Thank you for not placing blame on me. Thank you for reaching out to me several years back and trusting me. I will forever remember what happened that day – and what happened AFTER that day – and I know that our kids will too! It’s such a great story of grace and forgiveness!

GOD SIGHTINGS

Filed under: just because,kiddos,scenery,word of God — admin at 11:48 am on Sunday, November 9, 2014

Our friend – and youth pastor – Mara asked me to take the kids on a God sighting walk – find beauty in your surroundings. Find beauty in the unusual.

I had to bring the boys with me – LOOK AT THOSE FACES!

It’s been years – YEARS – since I took pictures of anything other than my kiddos or clients. It. Was. Awesome.

COMPASSION IS THE ONLY ANSWER. A little gem we found. And I need this reminder. Multiple times a day!

Look for the beauty – all you need to do is open your eyes!

STILL

Another 5 months have gone by since I wrote – which would seem crazy – but it really doesn’t. I barely have enough free time to take a shower – let alone sit down and type!

Going from 1 to 2 children has still been crazy hard for me – like I said before. And sometimes I feel like I’m just a weirdo that can’t handle it. I can’t even tell you that it’s crazy hard sometimes – pretty much all the time. How do you attend to both? How do you meet the needs of a toddler and an infant – at the same time. How do you make time for your husband at the end of the day or the beginning of the day – or anytime of the day. Sacrifice is the only answer I’ve come across. You sacrifice the needs of one for the other. In every situation. I’m sacrificing spending time with Jared over sleep. I’m sacrificing sleep over taking care of a baby in the night. I’m sacrificing spending time with Fitzy over editing photographs while Enoch sleeps. I’m sacrificing a shower over dishes and a walk and picking up toys. Sacrificing spending time with God over wallowing about my situation. Sacrificing – balance – whatever – call it what you want – but it’s what I’ve discovered.

And I’d like to say that I suppose we are doing fine – but I’m not. I’m overwhelmed. Mostly with the lack of sleep. Fitzy has only started sleeping through the night since April – but he also gave up any naps then too. And by sleeping through the night I mean – he calls out anywhere from 11 to 5 and asks for daddy. Jared ends up in bed with him for the rest of the night. On a typical night – Enoch goes to sleep at 8 in his crib  and is up again at 11 – ready to be up – but I get him back to sleep – in our bed. Then he is up at 1 for about an hour most nights – rolling around and whining – if it’s really bad – I give him a bottle – but try not to. Then he’s up again by 4.30 and sleeps fitfully until about 5.30 when he’s up for the day. He takes two small naps a day. And I’m exhausted. I usually spend every morning sobbing – wondering how I’ll survive another day on this amount of sleep. And I do – but I’m quite sick of surviving and would like to start thriving. Because – believe me – it’s not fun for anyone. I realize that. We have two small bedrooms upstairs – so we share a bedroom with Enoch – because I can’t deal with two kids up all hours of the night. And so starts the cycle of waking up and being in a house all day that I don’t want to be in. I could list the reasons – but I’ll spare you. These two things are what keeps me from loving life. It might sound petty – it might sound trivial. I realize that LOTS of people have it MUCH harder. But that still doesn’t mean that what is happening for me is hard. I don’t think it’s right to say – well – just be grateful for what you have – it could be worse. I’ve been trying to push it down – trying to make it not matter – and it’s just taken a deeper root. I need to experience it – to somehow figure out how to get through this. Because it’s consuming me.

And as I look through my blog posts – I realize that it’s always a struggle about something. And then I think – I don’t remember reading many blog posts – from anyone that go on and on about their wonderful amazing beautiful lives and how they are just rocking everything that’s thrown their way. Struggle? What’s struggle? Isn’t it all about managing our way through the muck. Navigating through the ugly to discover the beautiful underneath? I say that to say this – if you think I’m complaining. I’m whining. I’m ungrateful. Please feel free to stop reading.

It’s hard for me to remember the days when all I wanted to be was a mother. The pain and the prayers – I seriously don’t remember. I mean – I know I felt that way. I know that it hurt – but it’s not there. I look at these two little boys and it’s hard to imagine a life – almost 30 years of a life without them in it. And for the past several years it seems I’ve always been wanting. Wanting pain to go away (it’s not – but much better). Wanting to be a photographer (and I am). Wanting to be a momma (and I am – twice). Wanting to be in a different house. Wanting babies to sleep better. Wanting a minute to write. Wanting whatever isn’t in front of me.

I want to embrace. Not want.

I want to embrace where I am – the pain – the trials – the joy – the beauty. These boys that I wanted SO badly. These babies that consumed my thoughts. To be a momma. A get on the floor and play with my kids momma. A look them in the eyes and LISTEN to what they are saying momma. I want to embrace it. This husband who is quite fantastic to me. Who deals with my dramatic personality. And loves me in spite of it. This guy that just loves me. I want to embrace it. All of it. But. It’s hard. Really really hard. A work in progress – which I will always be – but shoot – I want to be happier. I want to be happier because the truth is – Jesus is crazy awesome. Period. If nothing else. Jesus is awesome. And I need to see that. And hold onto that. Sometimes only that. I want to be happier because right now – it’s hard to live with me. And Jared is pretty awesome – because he is the heart that loves me at my worst and the arms that hold me my weakest. That’s how I can describe him. That’s what he is to me. I want to be happier because these babies are all I’ve ever wanted. And I’m missing out on happy times because I’m too sad to see them.

I want to be happier because I’m miserable. And I’m so tired of feeling this way. So tired of pulling into the driveway with wishes in my heart. Waking up in the morning in tears. And yes – I know. This too shall pass. But it really sucks while you are going through it. And I don’t know how to get over that.

I don’t do Pinterest. And the biggest reason is that it would suck WAY TOO MUCH of my time. The second reason is – I can’t stand seeing all these little improvements for your home all the time. Because it makes me even more frustrated with where I am. Everyone says – be content with what you have. Be thankful for what God has given you. But we all want more. Improved furniture. Better chairs. An updated kitchen. Fancier lights. It’s always something. Updating. Improving. Upgrading. Remodeling. And I get that – I really do. But – our treasures are in heaven. Not here. Yet we all want more. I want a different house – more than I can even express. And my goal – now – isn’t to stop wanting a different house – but to start realizing that it doesn’t matter what this house looks like – outside or inside. That it doesn’t matter that it’s nothing like I would like to have. But that I have it and I have to make do with what we have. I don’t like this. And I don’t think that I need to learn to like it. But I do need to stop allowing this to make my heart ugly – because it is. And it’s bad enough for me to deal with – let alone what Jared is dealing with. It’s hard to focus on building our treasures in heaven when we are so consumed with how our here on earth looks.

And sleep – well. Again – it is what it is. I’ve tried. And because we have tiny bedrooms and someone has to share a room – crying it out in the middle of the night means losing more sleep that what I am now. 5.30 mornings are getting old. Quick. And I know – someday I will say – remember when we didn’t sleep? Cus I don’t. I wish our biggest problem was sleeping at night – or the lack. Instead of mean kids at school. Instead of broken hearts. Instead of dating. Instead of driving. Instead of college. But – again – going through it is ROUGH. But it’s gonna be the way it is for a while – based on how Fitzy slept. And I’m doing it – so I’ll keep doing it. I just need to be happier.

And really – again – only Jesus can do that. Not a new house. Not sleep. Not Jared. Not my kiddos. So today – again. I’m making an effort. An effort to not be miserable. Because when you look around – life is pretty amazing. And be still – which I know is kinda impossible with a toddler and an infant on the move – all the time. But just not be in a rush ALL THE TIME. I feel like I’m always moving at high speed – which is normal for me. Slowing down is hard – because then I spend way too much time in my head. And it usually comes back to – if I slept more – if we lived in a different house. But sleep and a new house doesn’t fix an ugly heart. Jesus does.

And like I wrote last time – life as we know it – has changed. Again. And it will again tomorrow.

LIFE AS WE KNOW IT

Filed under: bardenisms,expecting,family,just because,love,my family,newsworthy,the marriage fight,weight loss,word of God — admin at 7:42 pm on Thursday, April 10, 2014

I haven’t written since Enoch was two weeks old. WHAT?! And now he’s almost 5 months old. Crazy.

When he was a little over two weeks old – I noticed some blood in his stool. I tried not to freak out – but I knew that wasn’t normal. Nor was solid poops for a two week old. Crap. Literally and figuratively.

Turns out that it was suspected he had a milk protein allergy – which is different than being lactose intolerant. So we switched his formula – but he still wasn’t happy – there was still blood in his stool. Poor guy. He would cry when he ate and struggle to poop. He woke up every hour and a half to eat and eat and eat and cry and cry and cry. It was heartbreaking and exhausting. I cried and cried and cried.

At my 6 week appointment – the doctor suggested we switch him to a different formula – Elecare. It’s expensive – but worked! And is working wonderfully! He started to shoot off the growth chart and his whole demeanor changed! He’s doing very well on the new formula and we will introduce cow’s milk to him at 1 and see how he does!

He’s a happy beautiful baby – except for when he’s not! Happy – I mean – he’s always beautiful!

The transition from 1 child to 2 – has been … interesting. Difficult. Exhausting. Yes – rewarding. The lack of sleep has been the hardest part. Oh – and the – how do I do this whole 2 kid thing! That’s been the hardest.

I suppose we are doing fine – both kids are loved and happy. They are growing and fed.

As a first time momma – I felt very confident in my mothering abilities. With Enoch – I feel much less confident – and I’m not quite sure why!

Fitzy is fantastic with Enoch. There have only been a few occasions where he bopped him on the head and when I asked why – he said – cus I need you momma. Then just ask for me sweetie. Okay momma. He comforts him when he cries. He loves to make him laugh. He asks for him in the morning and rubs his little fist all over his face. He asks where he is when he’s not in the room. He can’t wait to help him learn – everything!

As I sit here typing this – almost 5 months after becoming a momma of two young boys – it’s getting easier. Easier in that their naps are usually timed together and I can get editing and my emails and bills done in the afternoon. Easier in that Enoch fits on my hip and is starting to interact more. Easier in that Enoch is sleeping longer periods (not through the night by any means – but I don’t think that was a blessing that was intended for me) at night and I’m not absolutely exhausted all the time. Easier in that I’m not yelling and breaking down two to three times a day (or more) while Fitzy consoles me and says – be happy momma. I just make you happy momma.

My confidence is coming back – slowly. But I feel like I forgot EVERYTHING about raising a baby. I told Jared – if I had birthed another 2 1/2 year old – I’d be set – but this? I don’t remember this. When do they sit up again? How much food does he eat – and when? Is he supposed to be drooling all the time? Why won’t he stay asleep? What do I do with him all day? It’s the weirdest thing. And with Fitzy – ugh. My heart was hurting so much for this little boy that had his momma all to himself. We went to the store – played puzzles – did play-doh – crafted crafts. You name it. And now – I have this little guy to tend to and Fitzy wants me too. And I understand that we are teaching them to be independent and successful on their own – but my word – he’s not even 3 yet. He’s still a baby. Why must he grow up so fast? I would catch myself saying things like – WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? YOU KNOW BETTER. But ya know what – he kinda doesn’t. He’s just a toddle still. And I’m in no way excusing bad behavior. Believe me. And he’s still learning. And I’m learning.

And the lack of confidence and exhaustion spiraled out of control. The hurts of the past few years crept up on me. I’ve been angry. Frustrated. And I’ve held onto it – because it’s easier than facing the truth. That my heart needs to change. I have ridiculous expectations. I have control issues – which I’ve always said. But it’s time to face the truth. I’m not happy. I’m overwhelmed and let down. I’m demanding and impossible to please. My bitterness and hurt started to spill out of me and onto others.

We’ve had a rough year – again. And Jared is doing great. Really. But when I can’t keep a lid on my own crazy – he spirals. And believe me – I have my own crazy. I need to remember that things don’t have to be done now. That when Fitzy says – momma – play with me – I need to really get down on the floor and play with him. When he has a story to tell me – I need to listen like it’s the most important thing I’ll ever hear – because it really is. I need to remember that babies cry and fuss and I’m not doing something wrong. When Enoch won’t go down for the third time and just needs to be rocked – instead of crying and getting frustrated – just hold him and rock him. It will be gone before I know it. When Jared says I’m sorry. Take it. Don’t make him say it again and again. Punishment. It’s a hard one for me – if you’ve hurt me – then you need to spend some time being hurt. Ugh. Even typing those words makes me sick. But it’s how I feel. I can forgive you for hurting me but I am on the ready for it to happen again – so – what good is that. Instead of living in the past and bringing it up every single day – move forward. In God’s love and grace. When Jared was in the hospital – I prayed and asked God to show me what He wanted me to know. What I heard was that HE needs to be the center and source of my joy. Not Jared. Not Fitzy. Not Enoch. Sure – they will bring me joy – but God needs to be the ultimate source. Because nothing – NOTHING – in this life is mine. My husband – these sweet babies – nothing.

It was time to address some issues – face to face. So I did. We did. And forgiveness always wins. Love always wins. When you let it. God is always there to hold your heart in His hands – but when you’ve placed it in a prison – He won’t force His way in. You have to make the effort – make the choice. And airing some hurts and asking for and giving forgiveness has made all the difference.

And God loves me. And wants the best for me. And He knows the best – although I think I do. I think that closing the door to my feelings and living in anger is best. It’s not. And I know that – but it’s what protects my heart. Because I’m tired. Tired of hurting and suffering. But God wants to take that hurt and make it into something beautiful. And I can’t stop living a joyful life because of fear.

Because of some issues we’ve had in the past and some issues that were brought to light over the summer – it’s been hard to trust. It’s been hard to get that trust back. It’s been really hard to get to a place in our marriage where we are happy. And by we – I mean me. Jared is trying. But I expect more. I expect him to be what I think he should be. When I should be encouraging him to be what God has for him.

In March – at a MOPS meeting (that I didn’t want to go to) the topic was on marriage. Intimacy in marriage. Something that has been a struggle for me lately. The challenge was to be intimate every 72 hours. Make a point to make it happen. For 30 days. And see what happens.

Pornography is a horrible awful thief. Of joy and trust and love. It takes something that should be beautiful and wonderful – a deep connection between a husband and wife – and makes it ugly and hurtful. Bitterness is the root. A root that has taken it’s place in my heart and spread. And it’s starting to affect more than just me. My husband. My sweet kids. My joy. It has stolen my joy and replaced it with bitterness. And I’m done. I want to look forward to intimacy with Jared. I want to WANT to be close to my husband. When it comes time – I get nervous. The little voices in my head say – he doesn’t deserve this. You should wait longer. He should have to wait longer. Because that’s what pornography does. It kills. It kills marriages. For me – it kills the want to be intimate with my husband – because all I can think about is what he’s done. Not what he’s doing. The man he is now. The man he wants to be. The man he is trying to be.

And what I need to do is not speak over those voices in my head – but let God. Let God heal my hurts – let God be my trust. It’s been almost a month since we started the challenge – and with a few missed nights due to the demands of raising small children – we’ve made it. And while the beginning of the month started out rough – it’s gotten better. And like anything – it’s not happening overnight – but instead gradually. My attitude has changed and every day I am stopping in the midst of a trial to make a decision (or trying to – sometimes word vomit just pours out) and really think about what I’m saying. What I’m doing.

So – I’d like to tell you that life is getting “easier” because E is getting older – but it’s also getting “easier” because I’m trying to choose happiness over pessimism – which is hard for me. It’s hard for me to not expect the worst so that I won’t be let down. It’s hard for me to believe that God does indeed have good things for me when so much hurt has happened. And while I want to raise my boys with a sense of reality – I also want them to have hope. And not just a hope because we are supposed to hope – but a real honest to goodness HOPE. A hope that leads their steps and their lives. And I need that for me. For us.

And it’s not about an easy life. It’s not about a normal life.

When Enoch first came home – I felt so guilty. Guilty that Fitzy wouldn’t know the love that he did. Guilty that Enoch wouldn’t have the attention and love that Fitzy got when he was a baby. That Fitzy wasn’t my one and only during the day. That my heart wasn’t big enough to hold the love for the two of them. I was a fantastic momma when it was just Fitzy – but with Enoch in the picture too – I felt less than fantastic. How on earth do I give them both the love and attention they need? I cried. A lot. And Fitzy was such a sweet little guy. Don’t cry momma. I make you happy momma. All the time. I yelled. I lost my patience. A lot. Poor little guy. This is my sweet boy and I am hurting his sensitive spirit. So I would hug him and cry and apologize. And he would grab my face and say – I love you momma. I forgive you all the time.

Looking back over the past few months – I don’t know how we made it. Well – God. Just like over the summer. It’s always – but God.

So – every day I am making an effort. To keep the past in the past. To accept an I’m sorry. To trust my husband. To take a deep breath and not overreact (that one is really really rough). To make sure to spend time with just Enoch and with just Fitzy and with the two of them together. To spend time together as a family. Read the Bible (I’m horrible at making that a priority). To give up control. To forgive. To ask for forgiveness. To live my life in reality instead of on Facebook. Some days are better than others. Some worse.

Life as we know it – has changed. Again. And it will again tomorrow. Jared and I talked about how we haven’t enjoyed having two sweet babes as much as we thought we might. How it’s been harder than we thought. How I’ve cried and cried and wondered how I’m going to do this. And do it right. And that sweet little boy reminds me of God’s love when he holds my face and says. I forgive you momma. All the time.

 

LOVE HOPES ALL THINGS

Filed under: at work,babes,bardenisms,birth,expecting,just because,kiddos,love,my family,the marriage fight,word of God — admin at 6:47 pm on Thursday, October 10, 2013

If you don’t know – Jared and I share a website where we blog – the marriage fight.

In order to better understand what I’m about to write here – you might want to hop on over there and read – at least – the last two entries. About grace.

There is so much I want to say. So much I want to just pour out – but it’s not time. It’s not all mine to share. So I won’t.

But I will tell you this. I’m struggling. In the past – I’ve written about the hard times. It’s how I heal. How I process.

That’s a tear on my arm – right above the dandelion. It’s mine. From this morning. There were a lot more. A lot.

I’m angry. I’m confused. I look at the pictures on our bedroom wall and wonder what happened to those people. In our wedding photo. At a picnic. At the beach.

Pregnant with Fitzgerald. That’s where you can see the change. All the pictures before – we were – different. You can see it. We aged – quickly. That sparkle in our eyes isn’t as bright. Looking back – we should have been in counseling the first time we miscarried. Tomorrow would be Enoch’s 4th birthday. FOURTH. I cannot believe that it’s been that long.

(I’m okay – little Enoch in my belly is okay – I’m talking about our first baby – which we also named Enoch)

And then it all just kept coming. We got pregnant so easily that first time. And then – not so much. And I got really sad. And Jared got really sad. And then we got pregnant with Fitzy. And a new chapter in our life began. In so many areas. We miscarried again. We lost sight of each other and what was important in our lives. In our marriage. We miscarried again. Then we started to get our marriage back. It was a rough spell – but forgiveness and grace was abundant. Then we got pregnant. Again. For a fifth time. And we knew he would stay. And we both felt really awesome about where we were. How far we had come. How far God brought us from where we were.

And then – almost overnight – it started to crash. Hard. Harder than all the crap I just mentioned. Harder than anything I have ever been through. And it broke. And the pieces are still scattered. Just a few corners and edges put into place. But like with any puzzle – once you get to all blue sky in the beautiful landscape background – all the pieces look the same. And you have to start sorting them by shape. Pouring over the slight changes in the color – teeny little changes. And it takes a very long time to fit them together. To figure it out.

I feel like that’s where we are. So much has happened and there’s so much to piece together – that it’s overwhelming. The entire puzzle is blue sky. And even the edges and corners are tough. Intricate and detailed. Specific. Each piece has to fit perfectly.

And it’s taking a very long time. Which in reality – is a speck. But oh my – it seems so long already.

And in less than 7 weeks – Enoch will be here. Another precious baby in this house. A house that will have new windows next week and we can move upstairs. And if I’m honest – I’m having a hard time being excited. Because I’m terrified.

I started counseling yesterday – and she asked – what were 4 things I do well. Only 4? Just kidding. I thought about it.

Well – I organize well. I have a take control personality – so I think I lead well. I am a photographer and I think that God has blessed me with the ability to see things others can’t – so I capture moments well. And I mother well.

What’s your goal? What – my goal? Um – my goal was to have a baby before I turned 30 – I was 29 and 11 months. Check. Start a photography business. Check. But now – to be fun. To be a fun mom and wife and sister and daughter and friend. Because sometimes – I’m not. But we all need that one person that says – c’mon guys – should we REALLY do this? Do you REALLY need that sweater for $100? I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses.

And.

Love hopes all things. Right?

I mean – it’s tattooed on my arm. I look at it every day. Multiple times a day. And still – I lose hope. I cry and I whine. And I HATE whining.

Right now – it’s a deep deep valley. One where the sun hardly shines. And I am so thankful for my growing family. I am so thankful that I get to spend the days with a little boy who is full of joy. And hope.

Fitzy’s newest thing is to stand on something – a block – or a shoe – and balance. He says – MOM – look at me do this! I say – that’s fantastic baby! I’m so proud of you! And he waddles off to find the next thing to balance on. When he sees something he likes – he says – oh momma – that’s so niiiiiiiice. ooooooh. It’s seriously the best. He does the dishes. He does the laundry. He cleans the sink. He folds clothes. He washes windows.

I was so angry that this was happening now. Why couldn’t this have happened when we didn’t have a baby and one on the way. Without Fitzy – I would be in that valley too. Me – personally. I’m in it now with Jared – but I have to be the one to remind him – us – to look for the sun. Without Fitzy – it would be a lot easier to find a cave together – crawl into the darkness – and not care about coming out.

I told my aunt the other day that I felt like God was giving me the bare minimum to get by. That He could see me dangling off the cliff by my pinky – barely holding on. And He said – well – here’s a little deeper of a ledge for you to grasp. Just a little. I know you want more – but this is all you can have right now.

Now – I know – I know – God isn’t mean and vindictive. He doesn’t take pleasure in watching me dangle – although some of you would disagree with that. But it’s how I feel. And feelings are important. And so is the truth. That God is covering us and holding us.

And I tell you what seems like random babble – to say this. God has given me organizational skills. Leadership skills. Strength – but knowing to ask for help when I need it. The ability to see beauty in things that others can’t. And I’m a great mom. I have never had to use those skills like I am right now. Like I will have to. That all that crap was to prepare me – us – for this.

To depend on Jesus.

Fitzy asked me to rock him today – he hasn’t asked me to do that in a while. A few weeks. But it’s been MONTHS that he has fallen asleep while I rocked him. I needed that today. To hold my baby and know that God is holding me – holding Jared – holding Fitzy – holding Enoch – even tighter. That while I’m dangling off the edge of that cliff – while we are – that He isn’t above us – giving us just a little bit more – He’s right below us. Ready. Waiting.

Today – I texted Jared and said – What do I do? He said – Pray. Wait. Listen. Love.

I’ve prayed and prayed – and pray. I’ve waited and I feel like I don’t have much time left to wait. I’m listening but not hearing. And love. Love has been redefined in my book. Which isn’t always a bad thing. Hard – yes. Bad – no. So I love.

But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what we need.

Well – yes. A miracle. We need a miracle to find our way out of this valley.

While I tend to give out tough love – more than gentle love – I didn’t like receiving it today (not mentioning any names – Ericka) but it was what I needed to hear.

We need prayer. We need hope. We need a miracle. We need Jesus.

WE ARE HAVING A …

Filed under: babes,baby barden,bardenisms,expecting,just because,kiddos,love,my family,newsworthy,word of God — admin at 5:30 pm on Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Today was our ultrasound appointment – to find out if we are having a baby boy or a baby girl!

Today marks the 20 week point in our pregnancy! I feel like this pregnancy is FLYING by!

When Dave Fitzgerald sent us the text –

You will get pregnant again. And even though you will default in your minds that you will probably miscarry – oh no. You will have a healthy child – possibly twins! It will be huge and massive BUT you must keep it to yourselves and announce at the END of the first trimester.

This is a promise from God and you will rename the son Enoch. God is NOT done with you. He’s just starting. You need to tuck this word on your hearts and cover it. The Enoch tattoo was intended as a remembrance BUT in God’s time was a prophetic act as to your next son’s name being branded. 

It will be a massive testimony and will restore relationships, friendships, and family ties in ways you never thought possible. It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy. BUT you MUST NOT announce it until the end of the 1st trimester. Not even to close friends or family. YOU MUST WAIT!

I honestly feel stronger about this than the word I gave you for Fitzy! You can’t even tell me when you first find out – I will already know. You can’t tell ANYONE! BELIEVE IT! RECEIVE IT! ACT! God is good and will be massively glorified through it. Save these messages for confirmation and documentation. Not for me – but so that we can honor Christ Jesus & God’s ridiculous faithfulness. He is good. He is really REALLY good!

ANYWAY – when he sent us the text – we both just assumed that our next child would be a son!

We are so excited to announce that we are having a BOY – our second son.

We would like to introduce you to Enoch Samuel Cody Barden!

Enoch – for obvious reasons. We tried to pick other names – and we did – but kept coming back to the fact that we HAD to name him Enoch. Enoch is the name we gave the first baby we lost (in October of 2009) and it means dedicated. In the Bible – Jared has a son and names him Enoch. But Enoch didn’t die. He walked with God and THEN God took him to heaven. He is only one of two people to just walk into heaven. AMAZING! Samuel means God hears or name of God AND we needed to honor my sister – Samantha. Cody is Jared’s cousin – and the best man in our wedding! Cody means helpful!

Our sweet little gift from God. Our miracle. Fitzy’s little brother.

I am so excited (and scared and nervous and thankful) to have another baby boy to hold in my arms. I cannot wait for Fitzy to meet his baby and for our hearts to heal. I can’t wait to be a momma to my boys.

Thank you for your prayers! WE LOVE YOU!

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