Dear Enoch:

Today is 10.11.2009. It’s a Sunday.

Today is the day we would have been singing happy birthday to you.

Today is the day I have been looking forward to my whole life.

I just didn’t think it would turn out this way.

I thought I would be waking up and telling your daddy that it was time. Time for our sweet child to be in our arms. I thought we would be calling your grandparents to take care of our sweet Schrute while we went to the hospital. I thought we would be telling them that their grandchild is being born. I thought we would be crying tears of joy. I thought we would take one last look at your room with everything waiting for you to be home. I thought we would take one last picture of my belly. I thought we would grab an extra blanket on the way out the door. It’s chilly now.

I thought we would rush to the hospital and talk about how our lives are changing. Forever. And it’s all because of you.

I thought I would have to endure pain like I’ve never felt to welcome you into this world. I thought that your daddy would kiss my forehead and tell me I could. I thought I would hear you cry and it would make me cry. I thought I would hold you. I thought I would look into your sea green eyes – just like your daddy’s – and see my future. Your future. Our future.

I’m not doing any of the things I thought we would be doing today.

I am writing you this letter to wish you a happy birthday. To tell you we love you. We miss you. We never got to take that belly picture. We never got to call your grandparents. We never got to rush to the hospital. We never got to hold you. We never got to look into your eyes and tell you we love you.

We did find out that our lives are changed. Forever. And it’s all because of you.

We did find out that we’ve had to endure pain like we’ve never felt. We did find out that our faith has been tested like never before. We did find out that you can never hold your child and still love that child with everything you know.

We found out that we have to search for joy. The joy of getting to hold you. Someday. The joy of looking into your eyes. Someday. And I know that they are a sea green. Just like your daddy’s.