I don’t like birthdays – let me specify – I don’t like MY birthday!

I have never understood the “big deal” about birthdays – it is just another day.

Why do we get presents on our birthdays – shouldn’t our parents be getting the gift – especially mom?

I married into a birthday family – they LOVE birthdays!

I thought I would chronicle my past few birthdays …

2005 – my 24th birthday – I was working as an Aide at Phoenix with Jared’s cousin Alyssa and she pulled off QUITE the surprise!

She arranged for a cheesecake and Jared and his mom to come down over lunch to surprise me – pretty sure I cried but can’t remember why!

Then she took me for a surprise trip – I thought it was to get something pierced. It wasn’t.

We went to Old Navy – I think – and she bought me a few cute tops then to the Olive Garden where my parents, Jared, Jared’s parents, Cody (I think), Alyssa’s parents, and Sassy & Andy were waiting for us!

I hope I didn’t leave anyone out that was there – Jared’s parents got me the long lens that I had wanted to badly – it was one of the best birthdays ever!

2006 – my 25th birthday – I had started with my jaw pain in March and felt like absolute poo all the time – I am pretty sure we were supposed to do something on my birthday but I didn’t feel well at all.

I don’t have any pictures from 2007 and can’t even tell you what happened that year – I have no idea!

2008 – my 27th birthday – we had a meal with Jared’s parents …

Still feeling like absolute poo from my jaw – especially this time of year!

2009 – my 28th birthday – oh goodness!

This birthday is hard – I wanted to be pregnant on my 28th birthday so badly – my mom had me when she was 18 – I feel 10 years behind!

But seriously – it’s been a sad birthday since I wanted to be pregnant today.

This morning I did dishes and cut open my finger on my Captain Kirk glass and subsequently had to cancel my manicure – BOO!

I ran some errands and watched Indiana Jones – the newest one – ‘cus it is amazingly cheesetastic!

We went to dinner at the Chinese place tonight and saw Night at the Museum – and it has turned out to be an okay day!

Thanks to everyone for their birthday wishes!

Yesterday we had lunch with Jared’s parents and a little cake …

I still feel a little crappy this time of year with my arthritis in my jaw – but 100 times better than the past few birthdays!

THANKS AGAIN FOR ALL THE WISHES – I LOVE YOU ALL DEARLY!

Last week we met with someone to talk about what we have been going through in life.

Jared and I both have been down and out for the count – it seems like life has thrown us every curve ball it has.

Usually in hard times one of us is strong and can help the other out of the sadness – but this had knocked us both out. We have been moody and cranky and touchy and hard to live with. I have the need to control – and it seemed that my life was spinning out and I wanted to grab hold of anything that I could control. Jared and  I were arguing every minute we spent together. We were taking out our anger and confusion on each other.

Two of my dear friends called me to check on me and see if I was okay. I was not okay – and they were concerned. My Aunt L had told me weeks ago that I needed to call someone and talk – we finally made the decision.

My biggest obstacle was TRUST – since this happened – how can I trust that it won’t happen again? I have only been pregnant once and the result was a miscarriage – I am terrified about being pregnant again. The attitude I had was that I trusted God before and it ended without a baby – why should I trust again.

Why should I trust again? Why wouldn’t I trust again is the question!

The person we talked to reminded us of the things we already knew. Jesus had to trust God – God had never died before – Jesus had to trust His Father. There is no relationship with God without TRUST – plain and simple. A relationship with God is a very real relationship. There are tons of emotions involved – anger – love – joy – frustration – confusion – TRUST – most importantly TRUST!

We can be angry and frustrated with God but we cannot remain there. God feels out hurts – He knows every emotion and feeling. Without trust – there is no relationship with God – no relationship with Jesus.

Having a child is the desire of my heart – God did not take our child away from us – thankfully Jesus was there waiting for Enoch to take him home. We will trust God for the next time – and IF we have a miscarriage again (you have to know that I am a “glass half-empty” kind of girl) – then we will trust Him to bring us through it. He will.

Like I said – I am terrified of being pregnant again – but we cannot live our lives in fear.

Jared and I are feeling better – much better – I still have those moments where I miss Enoch – I miss taking a picture of my growing belly each week – I miss the anticipation of shopping for maternity clothes – I miss having a baby shower – I miss the anticipation of feeling a kick for the first time – seeing our baby on the US for the first time – hearing a heart beat for the first time. I miss everything about the motherhood that I was so looking forward to. I miss everything about the miracle of life.

I have to trust that the desire of my heart will be granted – and trust that if we don’t have a child – God knows what is going on.

There are times when I hold that sweet baby *M* that I love so dear and my heart aches for my child. There are those times that I see what seems like everyone getting ready for their baby – and my heart aches more than I ever knew it could. But we TRUST that God will get us through.

In my last post about our sweet one – I said that I didn’t agree with the statement that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.

It is written – and TRUE!

The thing I miss most about work is seeing Amy’s kids on a regular basis. Luckily – it hasn’t been too bad. There are a few days that Amy and Jim overlap with timing and need someone just for an hour or two – I had told her to give me a call – if I could come – I would.

Yesterday was one of those days!

We came inside for bathroom breaks and princess time. The girls LOVE all the Disney princesses and would spend their entire lives in character if they could!

They tried on my sunglasses – to which Ella announced the she felt like a ROCK STAR!

During the day Ella made the comment about being careful around me so that she doesn’t bump the baby in my tummy. So I explained the best I could that I didn’t have a baby in my tummy anymore. It is hard to describe to someone’s child since you don’t know what they want them to know. She wanted to know why – kids always do – but she did her best to understand. And as kids do – accept something in that moment and move on to coloring or playing princess.

*M* crawled up in my lap later and Ella asked why – I told her that she must have wanted a break and to just sit with me. Ella climbed up too and took my face in her little hands and said – Danielle – since you don’t have a baby anymore – you can pretend for a while that we are your babies. It was all I could do not to cry just a little. I love the honesty and absolute raw emotion of kids.

Amy – I don’t know if I can ever describe to you the impact your kids have on me – especially in times such as this. I love them dearly!

This past weekend was rough. Friday night we hung out with my parents and talked. I am so frustrated and confused and angry about having a miscarriage.

At first – I was accepting and had a great outlook on everything. I still know that Enoch is with God – I still know that he is in a better place. I still know that God  knows what He is doing and that His plan is the right plan. I have moved from accepting that to questioning it.

It mostly started when I found out about several other people that are pregnant and due around the time we would have been. I became bitter and angry and hurt. I already know that Jared is a great guy by putting up with me on an every day basis – but this past month – has shown what a GREAT guy he is. He is hurting – he is grieving – he is confused and angry – and I  keep asking him questions and wanting answers. We have been so frustrated and lost – even though we are together.

The anger set in and there hasn’t been one day in the past two weeks that I haven’t cried about what happened – mostly in anger.

The questions that nobody wants to bring up – the hard ones.

I know that God has a plan – I want to know why THIS had to fit into His plan.

I know that God didn’t cause our miscarriage – but why couldn’t He stop it from happening.

How does God expect me to sit by and watch all these new babies being born when it should have been me.

How do I trust again.

The ONLY thing holding me together right this moment is God’s love. I know that it exists – I feel it – even through the anger and confusion.

Over the past few days – while things CONTINUE  to go wrong EVERY SINGLE DAY – like a domino effect that seems to go on and on and on – I tell satan that he won’t win.

I might be angry and confused and hurt – but I am still a child of God.

While Jared and I were doing devotions a year ago – we were reading about Job – and I was going through my constant jaw pain – I remember the reading vividly. Job did not curse God – he did not turn his back on God – even while he underwent the most horrible things imaginable. He lost everything he had – his children died – his friends were total jerks – his wife told him to curse God and die – he became deathly ill – and yet – he remained faithful to God. He asked God – why.

People love to say – God only gives you what you can handle. I disagree.

I don’t blame God for taking Enoch to heaven – but I question Him for not keeping him here – when I know He could have. God is not to blame. The sin of this world is the culprit.

The answer is – bad things happen.

I am a control freak – for those of you that know me! I need to know and I need to know now!

I want a reason as to why this happened.

There is the explanation that something was more than likely “wrong” with the baby. “Wrong” or not – we miss him. That doesn’t help. I am the one carrying the baby – obviously it must have something to do with me. What did I do wrong.

I couldn’t even tell that I lost my child while it was growing inside me. What kind of parent am I.

What happens when we get pregnant again – if we get pregnant again. I trusted that this last pregnancy would go well – we prayed every day – I took vitamins – I ate well – no caffeine – I slept. What makes next time any different. How do we get excited about another pregnancy.

These are the questions that I ponder as I am falling asleep – the questions I want to ask when people ask how we are doing.

Bottom line – I know the answer to all of them – God loves us – God is holding Enoch right now. God is carrying us through this difficult time.

His plan is the ultimate plan – the ultimate answers.

We went to my parents this weekend – I had a birthday party and four year pictures planned but the party ended up being a problem with photos and releases so we postponed the four year shoot for a few weeks.

Instead – I had a meeting with a wedding client – referred by the one and only Jenna V – who keeps me in business!

I booked the *T* wedding for 12.19.2009! Thanks again!

Jenna also won ANOTHER free photo session for a referral that booked!

I stopped at Peebles and got a few cute tops for weddings for the summer – Peebles is way too expensive but I love the clearance!

Jared finished The Shack and I started it – he loved it and I am still on the fence.

Schrute hung out with Jared and my parents on Saturday while I was meeting and shopping. I snapped these once I got home …

He is such a handsome boy!

I spent most of the weekend crying – I needed to be with my parents and talk to them about what has happened in our lives and why – of course there are no answers – but it was nice to be with them.

We went wedding dress shopping for my sister – she is getting married 9.12.2009 – mostly because it is the only fall date I have open other than Labor Day – but I will post those in a separate entry …

There is an Office episode where Michael talks about the stages of grief – it is ridiculous exchange but is starting to make sense.

I think I have reached the anger stage. Right now – I am angry. Angry that others are pregnant and not me. I am so happy for them – but at the same time it hurts more than I can describe. I saw a pregnant woman in Wal*Mart this past week – and nearly started crying right there in the store. This weekend – the smallest things set me off – and moody – man am I moody!

Jared and I can’t even think about trying again – but at the same time – it is the only thing I want. I have wanted to be a mother since I can remember.

My emotions are such a mess and fluctuate from moment to moment.

Jared and I are doing okay – I had a little bit of a breakdown Friday night coming over to my parents. Since we found out about the miscarriage I haven’t really had a minute to breathe and think and take it all in totally.

Last Sunday I went to the nursery during church to see some sweet babies – I snatched up one of the sweeties and rocked him to sleep. Mandy – who has a little boy and is due in May with a little girl – was in there waiting to give me a hug. We have the same doctor in Sayre and she knows just how bad I have been wanting a baby. It was tough being in there – but at the same time I needed it.

On the way to my parents I just started crying – knowing that it’s still just not fair.

Like I said before – I know the answers to the questions – but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Why us?

How do we try this again?

What if we have another miscarriage?

How do we get excited about being pregnant again?

How do we go through it “alone” – since you more than likely won’t tell everyone this time?

If we have another baby – how do you not see the one that you miss every time you look at your child?

People say – at least you know you can get pregnant again. I think – Yes, I know that we can get pregnant again – but I was ready for little Enoch to be our child – I was ready to hold him when he got here – not someone else.

I miss him. I don’t know how to get over those feelings.

I don’t know how to not choke up every time I see a baby or hold a little child’s hand.

I don’t know how to shake the feeling that someone is missing from our little family. I don’t know how to make the hurt in my heart go away.

Jared and I talked about the loneliness that we both feel – although we are surrounded by love and prayers – we still feel alone and lost sometimes.

I know that God is near – I know that He is in control – but there are times when it is hard to be strong.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU again to everyone who sent flowers, cards, prayers, facebook messages, e-mails, everything …

THANK YOU to our church family for the BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS and prayers you sent our way …

We are blessed with great family members that love us!

Tuesday morning I got a phone call from the florist asking if we would be home to accept a delivery …

They were from upper management at Phoenix – the business I work for. It was such a nice gesture – and quite the surprise!

Yesterday after the doctor called – Jared took the afternoon off to spend some time with Schrute and think and pray and let the news settle in. He called to let me know that we had gotten another flower delivery.

My cousin Jake and his wife Julie send us this arrangement – such a touching surprise. The card says – when you lose someone you love – you gain an angel you know – it meant so much to us!

Thank you again Phoenix and Jake and Julie!