I love spring – I love the smells – the spring jacket weather – the rain – the birds singing in the morning – seeing green grass once more.

My favorite part about spring are the promises it brings. Last year I tried to document each day of the new flowers blooming – the promises of coming back again and again and again.

It is interesting to me that what we are going through is happening right now – at the start of spring – the start of the season where God shows his promises through beautiful buds poking through the ground to bathe in sunshine. Little buds that have been waiting for JUST this moment – for an entire year.

These flowers aren’t welcomed eagerly into the new world – they have to push their way through rocks, roots, and dirt – into a new world covered in light – coming out of the darkness that they have spent so much time in.

I love the ways that God shows is promises in the “little” things – if He is taking care of the flowers in the ground – surely He is taking care of me.

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

Still the darkness surrounds me

I know I’m alive but I feel like I’ve died

And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made

I try to keep warm but I just grow colder

I fee like I’m slipping away

After all this has passed I still will remain

After I’ve cried my last there’ll be beauty from pain

Though it won’t be today – someday I’ll hope again

And there’ll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me

The best I can do is just get through the day

When life before was only a memory

I wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though I can’t understand why this happened

I know that I will when I look back someday

And see how You’ve brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed I still will remain

After I’ve cried my last there’ll be beauty from pain

Though it won’t be today – someday I’ll hope again

And there’ll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me

Trying to hold to what I can’t see

I forgot how I to hope

This night’s been so long

I cling to Your promise

There will be a dawn

After all this has passed I still will remain

After I’ve cried my last there’ll be beauty from pain

Though it won’t be today – someday I’ll hope again

And there’ll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Superchick sings this song – I don’t know if they wrote it – but I love it. When I was going through my jaw pain and ordeal – it helped me through it – the lyrics fit into my life perfectly.

Right now – what we are experiencing – I can’t think of a better song to describe how I feel.

I got the call from the doctor today – letting my know that my levels were indeed down by the thousands and that I would be having a miscarriage on it’s own or we will have to schedule surgery. Right now – I am waiting it out and waiting to hear back from the doctor’s office to make an appt. for next week.

I am tired and sore and emotionally drained – writing COMFORT was such therapy for me – I needed to get out how I was feeling and why – there are still thoughts that run through my head – but I know the truth. I know the answers.

I have always told Jared that I am ready for Jesus to come back ANYTIME – I just want to have a child first – selfish – I know. My friend Sara told me last night – you ARE a mother – and it hit me – that I am. I am a mother – and I have a child – he is resting in the arms of our Father and waiting to see us.

I hope that BEAUTY FROM PAIN touches your heart with whatever struggle you are going through and know that God is listening. There are times when I am mad at God – I yell and I cry and I fight – I want to know why – and I keep hearing what my own parents would tell me – we know best – we are doing this because we love you – that didn’t stop me from throwing a little baby fit – but I know that I can express to God my anger and He is trying to get through – saying – but I know best – I love you – you will be okay. The relationship we have with God is REAL – it is full of real emotion.

Again – I appreciate all the prayers and the love and the hugs and the tears – more than you know.

I am sure that many of you know by now – but I wanted to give an update on our little one.

Monday afternoon was my first MD appt – YAY – I was so excited and nervous and anxious – Jared’s mom went with me so that we could wait for further along for Jared to see ultrasound images and what not. I didn’t know that I would be getting an ultrasound – but I had Brenda come in with me because I knew she would want to see. The anticipation was so intense – waiting to see your child on the screen actually growing inside you –

and waiting and waiting and waiting –

to see nothing – as soon as the screen came up – I knew – I knew that I was supposed to be seeing the form of a little baby – and nothing but blackness.

The doctor kept hmmmm’ing and trying his best – but eventually said – well – this happens – this is the picture that we want to see at 9 weeks – which you are – and even if you were 6 weeks – this is the picture we like to see – and as you can see – we cannot see any of that.

He suspects that the baby stopped growing and developing weeks ago – he sent me for blood tests to measure my levels then we took them again today to compare and figure out what needs to be done.

Last year my sister found out she was pregnant in January and miscarried in March – it was heart breaking and I didn’t know the words – the emotions – the sympathy to give her. I do now. I called her and cried and really understood what she went through exactly a year ago.

Jared’s mom held me and cried and prayed with me at the doctor’s office – I was so thankful that she was there. When I went to get blood taken – Denis – a dear friend from years ago – was the one working – what a blessing – to be able to hug him and cry and have someone I love like a brother right there with me.

I called Jared at work really quick before the day ended and had to tell him what we didn’t see. I wanted to be able to be there with him for that moment – I wanted to come home and give him a picture of his child that I am carrying. I was looking forward to that emotion – that moment – I have been looking forward to it since the day we found out – and to have to call him and tell him that I have nothing to show him once I get home – it was the worst news I have ever had to give someone.

Jared and I held Schrute and cried and cried Monday night – I called my family and a few close friends to let them know what happened – and Jared went to play basketball to get his feelings out on the court – I held Schrute and told him how much I loved him and how great it was to have him here RIGHT NOW.

Amy – my boss and friend – let me take the day yesterday to be home and rest and cry and pray and think – Jared and I slept in with Schrute nestled right up to my tummy – he wouldn’t have it any other way – I worked on pictures – my therapy – while Jared played video games – his therapy.

Mara brought us lunch and we met with Pastor and his wife in the afternoon to talk and pray and cry and ask questions – those questions that you know the answers to but have to ask anyway – WHY – HOW – WHAT DID I DO – IF ONLY – CAN WE DO THIS AGAIN – WHAT NOW – they helped to feel out our emotions and just cry and pray with us.

The next stop on the agenda was to see Johna and sweet Macy – I didn’t know if I could go – should I cancel – I can’t see a baby right now – but then I thought – NO – I HAVE to see that baby right now – and kiss her and hold her and love her – so that is what we did – Mara and I met with Johna to discuss a project we have in the making – we will announce it soon – while I tried my best to pay attention and put in some input while holding Macy – marveling at the little life that God entrusts us to as parents – and knowing that the only place I would rather my child be RIGHT NOW if not in mine or Jared’s arms is in the arms of our Father.

Amy had told me that I could take the day again if I needed it – but I told her – what am I going to do – lay in bed and cry – I need to be somewhere doing something – enjoying life – not dwelling on what I cannot control.

Then comes the guilt because I feel that I am doing okay – should I be feeling okay – shouldn’t I be crying – it is such a strange and confusing mix of emotions.

We have decided to name this child Enoch – Jared names his son Enoch in the Old Testament – and there is not much said about Enoch other than Enoch did not die – Enoch was taken from this earth and walked with God and he was no more – our little Enoch was taken and is walking with God.

Jared and I are utterly heartbroken – we feel lost and broken and damaged and yet we know that we are LOVED. God also lost His son – He knows what we are feeling – God lost His son so that we might have life – that we might have children to love – that we can love and be loved – by God.

I want to thank each and every one of you that have prayed for us – contacted us in any way and sent your love and your thoughts and your prayers – told your stories of – it happened to me and now see what blessings we have – held us and let us cry – THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU – it is because of this GREAT support system that we are able to move on – that we are able to get out of bed and not cry all day.

Thank you family – thank you friends – there is nothing more that I can say than THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU …

Thank you Jared – thank you for loving me – for holding me – for being my husband and going through this with me – there is no one else I want to go through this with – I know that I want to have babies with you – I have known from the moment you told me you loved me – thank you for being my rock – thank you for loving Jesus more than you love me.

It is not only because of this great support system – it is because of the Lord Jesus – He is the ONLY source of ultimate comfort.

If you do not know Him – if you do not have a personal relationship with Him – I URGE you to do so. I have no idea – and it hurts too much to think about – where I would be right this moment without the love and promises of Jesus written on my heart.

God is good – all the time – even now in the face of this loss – this heartbreak – this experience that I honestly never thought I would have to face and go through – a experience that has knocked me out – I am at a loss for words – except for the 1166 words written above  – and I know that the love Jesus Christ has for me is the reason I am standing today.

The general public likes to make us afraid of mother-in-laws – whether we are the man or the woman in the relationship!

By the grace of God – I have great in-laws!

My mother-in-law is an amazingly sweet woman.

Jared is an only child – and I still have an amazing MIL.

We live right next door to his parents – and I still have an amazing MIL.

I am pregnant with her first grandbaby – and I still have an amazing MIL.

Jared’s mom has been ready for a grandbaby 9 months after our wedding – she has waited patiently – not without some sighing comments of … when I have a grandchild.

When we told his parents that we were expecting – they were shocked – a little more shocked than we expected them to be – excited but so shocked. I think they still might be a little bit in shock – I know that she has wanted this for so long – and it seems too good to be true!

She has been so helpful! From the moment we got Schrute she has been involved with helping us out – the first few days she kept him at their house and would go over and check on him when he was at our house. Those first few weeks when he was messing all over – she tried her best to deal with my outbursts and frustrations – helping all the way.

Earlier this week I went home to find that his mess at lunch – that I cannot clean up anymore – was all cleaned up and our dishes were done! OUR DISHES! What kind of woman does that? She does. She wants to bless us in any way that she can – even when it is something as simple as doing your dishes.

We had to live with them for a few months when Jared lost his job – and it worked out great! We have gone on vacation with them for the past two summers and it has been a blast!

We can talk about anything – and I know that I can come to her for advice or help anytime.

Living right next door to them is great. We have dinner with them on Thursday nights, they watch Schrute on Wednesday nights while we are at church, and usually sit near them in church on Sundays.

Having a baby with them right next door will be AWESOME! My family jokes that she will either A) build a tunnel underground connecting our houses so she can be there at a moment’s notice or B) have an insane 6th sense when it comes to the baby – she will be at the door the second before the baby cries – already knowing what is needed. I feel comfortable with her and have no doubt that she will be very involved with our child’s life. We moved in with my Gramma Trout when I was about 9 – now she lives in an addition off my parent’s house – I LOVE HAVING GRANDPARENTS NEARBY!

I want her there with me for that first appt. – Jared is going to wait and take the time off when it gets closer to ultrasounds and what not – and since we are going to Sayre – we can make an afternoon out of it. I want her there in the room when her grandchild is born – it is her grandchild just as much as it is my mom’s.

Brenda is a strong, admirable woman of God – and someone I am very honored to call mom.

Jared and I at Zach & Layne’s wedding!

Jared had such a good time – in the almost five years being married and little over 6 being together – I don’t think I’ve seen him like he was at the wedding!

Jared and Zach went to high school with Indica – she lives in Florida and has a photography business – props to her for this picture!

Out first picture together since finding out we are expecting!

I haven’t been to the doctor’s yet – March 9th – but I thought I would give a little update. I typically don’t have a large appetite but I cannot stop eating! I have always been someone who needs their sleep more than not – but I cannot get enough rest! I am getting a little woozy in the afternoons but I think it is more from being hungry and tired and staring at a computer screen all afternoon!

I don’t feel like I have a life growing inside me – should I? It is such an awesome miracle!

I have been insanely emotional – I usually am a pretty “dramatic” person anyway – but it has been intense! Jared is an amazing man with patience like none other. He is handling me and my frustrations so well. I come home at lunch and have to clean up after a messy dog and can barely make it through the task only to call him and cry about it.

Other than being hungry, tired, and emotional – I feel good!

I posted a really quick picture of Jared with our announcement – here are a few more –

We are so excited!

I know that some of you are asking for DETAILS – DETAILS!

Wednesday night after dinner I figured I would take a test – I was late since Sunday morning and I am never late! I figured it would be negative and that I would just have to deal with it in Florida!

We went off the pill December 4th – thinking that it would take MUCH longer to get pregnant than this – according to everyone!

Much to our surprise it was a positive test within 20 seconds.

Test 2 – same thing.

Test 3 in the morning before the flight – same thing!

We went over and told Jared’s parents – who were shocked!

Then I started texting close friends and family – we were so excited!

According to the due date calendar – which doesn’t make ANY sense to me – we are due October 11th!

I am only 5 weeks right now – again – don’t understand the due date calendar and the reasoning behind it!

We are very excited and can’t wait. I made an appt. for March 9th in Sayre – so I will know for sure. I called Wellsboro and the secretary pretty much told me that she didn’t think I would get on the list since the doctor only selects an “elite” few – she told me I should probably call somewhere else! I called Arnot – they don’t take our insurance – so my options were Williamsport and Sayre – equal distances from Mansfield and since my parents are in Sayre and I can coincide my Chiropractor appointments – hopefully – we went with Sayre!

My only concern is with my jaw – I am much better – and want to stay that way – I am so terrified about what labor will do to the stress on that joint!

I appreciate the congrats and prayers from everyone! We are so blessed to have our parents nearby and a great church family and great friends!

We have names already – but are having a hard time with the boy’s middle name!

Isa Samantha for a girl – Isa was Jared’s exchange student when he was in middle school – and since he is an only child – it is the closest to a sister he had – and my sister is Samantha.

Clark for a boy – after Jared’s grandparents – his mom’s maiden name!

YES WE WILL FIND OUT WHAT WE ARE HAVING – if you know me – you know that I do not like surprises and have to be organized – not knowing would be insane for us!

I am so excited for baby showers – belly pictures – shopping for maternity clothes – seeing our sweet baby for the first time!

I am NOT excited about strangers thinking they can touch my belly – stupid questions – statements beginning with … the right way to do it!

It’s positive!