The signs of spring are all over …
I love this next flower – one of my spring favorites!
And as a reminder of spring and the promise of all things new – an angel of hope – given to me by my dear client turned friend – Emily!
Thank you Emily – this angel couldn’t have come at a better time for us!
On Thursday – March 18th – I saw Dr. Roberts in Wellsboro @ the OB/GYN center. Our miscarriage was on March 17th – so it seemed fitting to make an appt since it’s been a year.
I met with Dr. R and he asked me to tell him my history – which is pretty simple.
Started my period at 12 – normal 5 day cycles – went on BC 6 months before our wedding – got married – went off BC in Dec 08 – pregnant in Jan 09 – went to the doctor for our 1st ultrasound to find out that we had lost our baby – miscarried in March 09 and here we are.
For the last 5 months my cycles have been a few days off and really really heavy – don’t know what that’s about.
We went through the medications that Jared and I are on – he is healthy and I am healthy.
The doctor did an exam to rule out any Chlamydia or Gonorrhea problems – which I know there are none.
On Monday the 22nd I have an appointment with X-ray to run dye through my uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there are no blockages.
This week we need to drop off a sample for Jared to rule out any problems with him.
On April 6th – 21 days into my cycle – I need to go to the lab to make sure that I am ovulating – which I am pretty sure I am from ovulation tests I took. But it will be nice to have a definite answer.
On April 22nd I have another appt with Dr. R to go over the test results and see what is or isn’t the next step we take.
He said that I have a very simple sexual history – Jared and I have only ever been with each other – and a very simple gynecological history and there is no reason why it shouldn’t be happening – especially since I got pregnant before.
He said 1/3 of the women he sees are pregnant within 3 months from the first appt they have – just because – another 1/3 have a problem that he can help them with – another 1/3 never get pregnant and there aren’t any answers.
He was very nice and very thorough – so now we just wait.
God already knows – whether or not we will have babies – we just have to wait … and wait ….
Thank you so much for the prayers everyone!
It still hurts my heart to see a pregnant woman or a baby. I am trying so hard to get over that. I am trying to be the friend that I cannot be to so many of my friends right now. I am trying to get over the anger I feel toward someone who hurt me being due the same week we were. It’s not fair. I am trying to understand that God knows what is best – He knew what our children would be like on the day I was born. He is holding our child in His arms right now as I type this and I know that there is NO BETTER PLACE FOR HIM – not even here in my arms. But the hurt is still so strong.
I am trying so hard to “stop trying” – but it’s 10 times easier said than done – especially when you want a child – want to be a mother – want to see your husband hold his child – as much as I do.
I have always wanted lots of kids – and now I find myself struggling for one.
But we continue to pray. We continue to trust. I am working on the hope part …
Last year on March 11th – two days after our first OB appointment – I wrote this:
I am sure that many of you know by now – but I wanted to give an update on our little one.
Monday afternoon was my first MD appt – YAY – I was so excited and nervous and anxious – Jared’s mom went with me so that we could wait for further along for Jared to see ultrasound images and what not. I didn’t know that I would be getting an ultrasound – but I had Brenda come in with me because I knew she would want to see. The anticipation was so intense – waiting to see your child on the screen actually growing inside you –
and waiting and waiting and waiting –
to see nothing – as soon as the screen came up – I knew – I knew that I was supposed to be seeing the form of a little baby – and nothing but blackness.
The doctor kept hmmmm’ing and trying his best – but eventually said – well – this happens – this is the picture that we want to see at 9 weeks – which you are – and even if you were 6 weeks – this is the picture we like to see – and as you can see – we cannot see any of that.
He suspects that the baby stopped growing and developing weeks ago – he sent me for blood tests to measure my levels then we took them again today to compare and figure out what needs to be done.
Last year my sister found out she was pregnant in January and miscarried in March – it was heart breaking and I didn’t know the words – the emotions – the sympathy to give her. I do now. I called her and cried and really understood what she went through exactly a year ago.
Jared’s mom held me and cried and prayed with me at the doctor’s office – I was so thankful that she was there. When I went to get blood taken – Denis – a dear friend from years ago – was the one working – what a blessing – to be able to hug him and cry and have someone I love like a brother right there with me.
I called Jared at work really quick before the day ended and had to tell him what we didn’t see. I wanted to be able to be there with him for that moment – I wanted to come home and give him a picture of his child that I am carrying. I was looking forward to that emotion – that moment – I have been looking forward to it since the day we found out – and to have to call him and tell him that I have nothing to show him once I get home – it was the worst news I have ever had to give someone.
Jared and I held Schrute and cried and cried Monday night – I called my family and a few close friends to let them know what happened – and Jared went to play basketball to get his feelings out on the court – I held Schrute and told him how much I loved him and how great it was to have him here RIGHT NOW.
Amy – my boss and friend – let me take the day yesterday to be home and rest and cry and pray and think – Jared and I slept in with Schrute nestled right up to my tummy – he wouldn’t have it any other way – I worked on pictures – my therapy – while Jared played video games – his therapy.
Mara brought us lunch and we met with Pastor and his wife in the afternoon to talk and pray and cry and ask questions – those questions that you know the answers to but have to ask anyway – WHY – HOW – WHAT DID I DO – IF ONLY – CAN WE DO THIS AGAIN – WHAT NOW – they helped to feel out our emotions and just cry and pray with us.
The next stop on the agenda was to see Johna and sweet Macy – I didn’t know if I could go – should I cancel – I can’t see a baby right now – but then I thought – NO – I HAVE to see that baby right now – and kiss her and hold her and love her – so that is what we did – Mara and I met with Johna to discuss a project we have in the making – we will announce it soon – while I tried my best to pay attention and put in some input while holding Macy – marveling at the little life that God entrusts us to as parents – and knowing that the only place I would rather my child be RIGHT NOW if not in mine or Jared’s arms is in the arms of our Father.
Amy had told me that I could take the day again if I needed it – but I told her – what am I going to do – lay in bed and cry – I need to be somewhere doing something – enjoying life – not dwelling on what I cannot control.
Then comes the guilt because I feel that I am doing okay – should I be feeling okay – shouldn’t I be crying – it is such a strange and confusing mix of emotions.
We have decided to name this child Enoch – Jared names his son Enoch in the Old Testament – and there is not much said about Enoch other than Enoch did not die – Enoch was taken from this earth and walked with God and he was no more – our little Enoch was taken and is walking with God.
Jared and I are utterly heartbroken – we feel lost and broken and damaged and yet we know that we are LOVED. God also lost His son – He knows what we are feeling – God lost His son so that we might have life – that we might have children to love – that we can love and be loved – by God.
I want to thank each and every one of you that have prayed for us – contacted us in any way and sent your love and your thoughts and your prayers – told your stories of – it happened to me and now see what blessings we have – held us and let us cry – THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU – it is because of this GREAT support system that we are able to move on – that we are able to get out of bed and not cry all day.
Thank you family – thank you friends – there is nothing more that I can say than THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU …
Thank you Jared – thank you for loving me – for holding me – for being my husband and going through this with me – there is no one else I want to go through this with – I know that I want to have babies with you – I have known from the moment you told me you loved me – thank you for being my rock – thank you for loving Jesus more than you love me.
It is not only because of this great support system – it is because of the Lord Jesus – He is the ONLY source of ultimate comfort.
If you do not know Him – if you do not have a personal relationship with Him – I URGE you to do so. I have no idea – and it hurts too much to think about – where I would be right this moment without the love and promises of Jesus written on my heart.
God is good – all the time – even now in the face of this loss – this heartbreak – this experience that I honestly never thought I would have to face and go through – a experience that has knocked me out – I am at a loss for words – except for the 1166 words written above – and I know that the love Jesus Christ has for me is the reason I am standing today.
The words still hold every ounce of their meaning – still make me choke up when I read them.
I believed that we would get pregnant again – that we would have a baby in our arms during this time. That we would have a baby by the time our first due date came around. I have said my good-byes to Enoch. I know he is safe and loved.
The thing I’m struggling with is that we aren’t getting pregnant again. I’ve watched so many of my friends get pregnant this past year and have miracles in their arms while I continue to wait and hope and pray and question and cry.
I cannot believe that it’s been a year since I sat in that hospital room with my MIL waiting to see our child. 2009 kicked us while we were down and buried our heads in the mud and 2010 keeps pushing us down further.
I would like to say thank you to everyone who has been praying for us. Everyone who has been trying to encourage us.
Having hope is a really big struggle for me. Who says that we will have a child. I can believe it all I want – I believed it all this past year. I have been asking God what He has for us – whether or not that plan includes a child or children. I hear nothing. People keep saying – it will happen – just relax. My question is – how do you know that? There are lots of people that want children and don’t get that blessing. I hope that we ARE the people that get to have them – but I am exhausted. I get my hopes up only to have them brought down. I am having a hard time hoping without getting my hopes up!
If we don’t get pregnant this month – we will go see a specialist. Jared and I both feel that if it is something “simple” – like a hormone imbalance or a supplement we have to use – we will go down that road. If it’s something more complex needing further tests and procedures then we will have our answer – that God does not intend for us to have children.
We are both very open to adoption – but it is very expensive and something that we cannot afford – at least not in the near future. And I long to be pregnant – to carry our child – to feel that miracle.
Please continue to pray for us – for direction – for God to show us what we should be doing – and for peace.
A new staff couple had just arrived with their U-Haul truck, moving to our area from the Southwest. And a bunch of us were there to meet them and help them move into their apartment. Our four-year-old grandson insisted on joining the moving crew. I was inside the truck, handing out items as helpers came to get some more, and no one made more trips than that youngest mover there. Now, I didn’t give him the couch to carry, or the dresser or the TV set. I gave him small boxes, small appliances, and lighter objects to carry. There’s only so much a four-year-old can handle. Or even someone who’s a lot more than four years old – like me, for example.
I’m Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A Word With You today about “Never More Than You Can Carry.”
We all have some loads to carry; that’s the nature of life. And sometimes it’s so heavy that it takes everything we’ve got to keep from dropping it or caving in beneath the weight. This might be one of those seasons of heavy burdens for you. I’ve got some good news for you – news that’s contained in our word for today from the Word of God in 1 Corinthians 10:13. Here is your Heavenly Father’s promise: “God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted (or the word can also be translated “tested”) beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”
Never more than you can bear. Just like that day I handed loads to my grandson for him to carry. I knew what he could handle. I wouldn’t give him more than he could carry. Neither will your Father in heaven who loves you infinitely and knows you completely. Everything that comes into your life as a child of God has to be Father-filtered first. Whether your Father sends it or allows it, no burden or temptation can come into your life unless He has first signed off on it. Will He allow burdens that take you to the limit? Yes, He will. Ask any athlete who’s ever used the weight room. The only way you can get stronger is if you have to lift something heavier than you’ve lifted before. But God knows your limit, and while He may allow you to go the edge so you can experience His power, He will never allow you to go over the edge.
Maybe you feel like Mother Teresa who is reported to have said, “I know God trusts me and He will never let me have more than I can handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me with so much.” In a very real way, God’s trust is what your burdens are all about. Look at Job. He had no idea that his motives for serving God were being challenged by Satan himself in heaven. And the devil knew he couldn’t do anything bad to Job unless God allowed him to. And God looks at his servant Job and says, “I can trust this man with a very heavy load. He will not betray me. He will not stop trusting me.” And with one tragedy after another flooding into his life, Job proves he is a man God can trust. And, in the process, he humiliates the devil who was sure he could embarrass God with Job’s betrayal.
If you’re having to carry something really heavy right now, realize that you are indeed being trusted by God with this burden. He believes you can handle it, with His unlimited power as your strength. He believes you won’t let Him down. And He knows you will emerge from this struggle stronger and more valuable than you have ever been. For Job, it meant receiving twice what he had lost during his time of testing.
Your Father loves you. Your Father knows what you can handle. He knows what He can trust you with. There’s something much bigger, something much more eternal going on here than you can possibly imagine, maybe even a contest over you between the devil and God Himself. Carry your burden faithfully, with undiminished allegiance to your Lord and daily downloading of the mighty grace of God. And as your Father hands you today’s load to carry, be sure that He knows how much you can handle, and He will never give you more than you can carry.
A WORD WITH YOU – MARCH 3, 2010
I am so thankful for my God – my husband – my family – my friends – my Schrutie – my job. Oh so thankful!
I am continuing the 2010 = HOPE prayer and will be for the whole year – I just might need some help!
If you know me – you know that I am NOT an optimist! It is something that is very hard for me to do – look on the up side of things.
I like to imagine lines in heaven when we are babies in the womb. There are lines for patience – worry – common sense – optimism – and so on. Sometimes I like to think that the worry and anxiety lines needed price checks and I got hung up there! I had every intention of getting some patience and trust and optimism – but the lines were close before I got there.
I am trying to be hopeful – without getting my hopes up – because the more I get my hopes up – the harder they fall.
I really thought with every fiber of my being that we would have a baby in our arms right now – if not that – we would be pregnant. We do not have a baby in our arms. We are not pregnant. I am impatient. I am confused. I am thinking way too much and it hurts.
In May I will be 29. I never imagined I would have an established business. I imagined I would have lots of babies.
Like I said – I LOVE BEING A PHOTOGRAPHER – oh how I love it – but oh how I would love being a mother.
I am thankful that I get to photograph women with miracles in their bellies.
I am thankful that I get to love all these little newborns and watch them grow.
It is very hard for me to think of the things that I am thankful for – but I have all of you to hold me accountable for that – and I am thankful!
I am VERY thankful for my blog readers and clients.
Thank you so much for opening your lives and your homes to me – it is so awesome to be able to watch your families grow.
Thank you for opening up my blog and reading about my hopes and fears and dreams.
This year is the year of HOPE – 2010.
Last year started off AMAZING – my 1st BRIDAL EXPO was a success (I got 1 booking at the show and 12 overall) – we got our 1st puppy – we found out that we were pregnant with our 1st child – made our 1st flying trip together – got my 1st MAC computer …
Then we lost our 1st child – had our 1st real test of faith – had our 1st absolutely horrible year while we’ve been together. UGH!
I felt like Job – like I was losing everything – my trust – my hope – my sanity – my baby – but I felt that God had told satan to not touch my photography – that was off limits.
2009 with barden photography was AMAZING – more than I could have even imagined – more than I wanted it to be! I had prayed for 24 weddings – and God gave me 24 weddings. I wanted to expand my senior portfolio – and EXPAND it did!
I am so thankful to God for His blessings this past year!
This year I am hoping.
I am hoping for a much better 2010 – I am hoping that I don’t lose my hope.
I asked God for specifics again with weddings and seniors and He has already gone beyond my furthest hopes.
This year at the BRIDAL EXPO we booked 8 weddings – with 5 more in the works! I have 24 weddings for this year and KT has 9!
We met with a bride and groom Tuesday night about their 2011 wedding in SAN ANTONIO! Our 1st destination wedding!
I am hoping and praying for another year of 1st’s – the 1st year of more than 24 weddings – the 1st year of more than 30 seniors – the 1st year of diving into newborn photography – the 1st time we get to see our baby on an ultrasound – feel our child move inside me – hold our newborn baby in our arms.
I am so thankful to God for His blessings in this coming year!
I HOPE that your year will be AMAZING – and that above all else you will know the love of Jesus and the healing that only He can give!
I cannot believe that 10 years ago were were ushering in 2000. My mom was freaking out and wanting us to stay home for NYE – what with the whole world coming to an end once 2000 hit!
Ten years ago I had come home from Philadelphia University to start a lonely semester at Mansfield University.
Five years ago Jared and I were newlyweds and ushered in 2005 together – again – I have no idea where we were or what we did that night.
Tonight we will go to Amy & Jim’s for a bit and then to help out with the overnighter at the church for a few hours and end the night – ringing in the New Year at Matt & Johna’s. And I am sure that in 10 years – I will have forgotten those details too!
Tomorrow marks a new year – a new start!
I wrote earlier this year about our blessings – there are times that I cannot see any from the past year – but I know better.
THANK YOU – you know who are – for believing in me this past year. For praying for us this past year. For listening to my fears – my doubts – my musings.
barden photography has bloomed into something that I never thought possible. I asked God to bless my photography. I asked for 24 weddings. I had 24 weddings. I didn’t even think to ask God for family sessions – seniors – babies – kiddos – engagements. He blessed me beyond my wildest dreams.
THANK YOU to those out there that trusted me with their memories – it means more than I could ever express to you!
THANK YOU to those in my family that supported me – cheered for me – prayed for me – encouraged me – booked a session with me!
THANK YOU to those friends that pushed me – encouraged me – trusted me – believed in me – booked a session with me!
THANK YOU – THANK YOU – THANK YOU
I cannot imagine 2010 being more bountiful than 2009 for barden photography – but I am trusting that it will be. Knowing that God answered my prayers above and beyond what I asked. Knowing that He will do it again – above and beyond.
I am praying that God answers our prayer for a child – a sweet, healthy, happy child in 2010. I am praying that if that prayer isn’t answered that I will see the blessings in it – that I will understand that God is in control – that the desire for a child will subside if that is not what God has for us – one of the hardest prayers I have ever had to pray.
I am praying that 2010 brings joy – for us and for you!
This was from my post last Christmas – next Christmas we are looking forward to spending it with Schrute and hopefully another new addition by that time or the anticipation of one!
It breaks my heart. This Christmas I thought – I really really thought we were expecting – finding out yesterday we weren’t. Ugh.
I thought I would post a picture of Schrute from last Christmas – a month before we got him!
LOOK AT THAT FACE – THAT TEENY LITTLE FACE!
This was taken yesterday –
Look at that NOT so teeny face!
Oh Schrute – how we love you and how you have blessed us this year – coming into our lives at the EXACT moment we needed you!
I hope everyone had a warm, love-filled Christmas!
With Thanksgiving coming up I have been trying to think of THANKFULNESS.
I know that I have tons to be thankful for – but this past year has brought nothing but heartache, grief, and despair into our lives – or so it seems.
In January I was a vendor at my first BRIDAL EXPO – I had wonderful friends and family that volunteered their time with me. I met over 100 brides and booked more than a dozen weddings because of the EXPO. We also brought home our sweet puppy Schrute – who has brought more joy into our lives than I can explain.
In February we found out for the first time that we would be parents – the fear, the joy, the excitement, the anxiousness was overwhelming. We prayed for our child every day – praying the God’s will would be done in our child’s life, that our baby would be safe and know Jesus. We traveled to Florida for a dear friend’s wedding and made some new friends. My husband invested in a computer and PHOTOSHOP for me and my business – transforming my work.
In March our child was ushered into heaven – having never felt any pain, any grief, any sadness – knowing only happiness and joy and love – the love of a Father – the love of God.
In April – barden photography went full-time. At the beginning of the month, I was invited to CAREER DAY at Mansfield High School – where I met the 10th graders from the 3 local schools – handing out my business cards and getting to know my target audience.
In May – wedding season started. barden photography had 4 weddings in May!
In June – weddings continued strong with family photos thrown into the mix! My June 13th bride became a friend instead of just a client.
In July – KT & Chase were married! Jared & I had a great time at their wedding weekend extravaganza!
In August – the weddings continued and we made our annual trip to the PA REN FAIRE!
In September my sister got married and I had a wedding every weekend! The senior pictures started pouring in. KT & I started brainstorming a partnership with planning and coordinating weddings and events.
In October I had 5 weddings and a session or two or three nearly every day of the month. I met a woman who was a God appointment. KT & I started expanding. I made the decision to have a long-term goal for my business.
Thus far in November – I’ve had a session nearly every day again – with more bookings coming up! Our sweet puppy will be a year old tomorrow!
In December we are going on a cruise with J’s parents.
We are warm. We are healthy. We are in love. We are loved. We have a house. We have food. We have a relationship with Jesus – a relationship that has been tested this year – and as a result has brought us closer to Him. We know that our child is in heaven – safe – surrounded by love.
We are praying that we will be happy with whatever life brings us – with whatever God blesses us with.
We are praying for more love – more babies – and more business!
I had been doing well – I wrote my letter to Enoch – knowing that we will see him in heaven.
Ten days went by and I hadn’t cried – I hadn’t really doubted our happiness or our lives – and then it started again.
One of our friends told us they were pregnant again – then another – and the anger returned.
Another couple we know is pregnant and now- five minutes ago – I found out about another.
I am so happy for our friends and pray for their pregnancies – but the anger just takes over.
I am so angry – not at the momma’s and daddy’s – not at God anymore – just ANGRY!
Please pray for me. Pray for us. I am so discouraged each month when I find out that we aren’t pregnant – another month of trying – gone.
I need hope – I am so afraid to hope – to even think that it might ever happen again – that we might have a pregnancy that doesn’t end in a loss.
I am watching all my friends hold my dreams in their hands … and I am losing hope …
