We had our first OB appt with Dr. Becker in Wellsboro today! I was so nervous – of course I threw up this morning – but I’ve been throwing up every morning. I didn’t want to go – I just wanted to cancel and pretend that everything would just be fine. Out appt was at 7.45 am so I picked up J from work and we made it right on time. We went through the medial history of both of us and then came the real stuff!

Dr. Becker came in and asked some more questions. I wanted 3 things from today’s appointment – have been praying for 3 things.

1. I cut down my medication to 10 mg a night. I tried to go off it completely and literally could not function. I did the research – prayed about it – and researched some more. I feel confident that being on such a low dosage will be safe and fine. Dr. Becker agreed – thank you Jesus!

2. I needed to hear a heartbeat. Even if it was just a few seconds – I needed to hear it! Because we are so early – it was tough to get – we could hear mine and only mine. Then – really quick – but so fast and clear – we could hear the woosh woosh woosh woosh of OUR BABY! We only found it twice – but it was there and strong! Jared and I both cried – couldn’t even look at each other without crying!

3. I really wanted to see our baby – that memory of a blank screen is so vivid in my memory – I needed to be able to open my eyes and see our baby! To get a firm due date – Dr. Becker scheduled an US for Monday at 1.30!

I prayed for 3 things and each of those prayers were answered! Praise Jesus!

Everything looks good so far – they took 8 vials of blood – EIGHT! I got a flu shot and our next appt is November 19th at 4 pm!

20 weeks will be DECEMBER 25th – WHAT A CHRISTMAS PRESENT – we will find out if we are having a Fitzgerald Douglas or an Isa Samantha!

I feel so much better – like I can breathe and really be excited – and go buy some new clothes – cus my jeans aren’t cutting it anymore!

Thank you so much everyone – for your prayers – your thoughts – your tears – your excitement – EVERYTHING! I love all of you more than you know!

I cannot wait to have a baby shower and invite every single one of you!

Today is October 11th – your first birthday!

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you – the difference is that the tears come less and less when I do.

I imagine that you are walking now and getting into all sorts of things in heaven – I wonder if they have child locks?

I think about how different our lives would be if you were here. My day would consist of loving on you and cuddling instead of editing and capturing miracles for everyone else. I wouldn’t have gotten nearly as much sleep as I have. I would be marveling every day at the beauty of life and the miracle of your sweet smile.

Right now your daddy and I are waiting to see your little brother or sister – in 11 days. Something I doubted would happen.

I am so scared. I am so nervous. When we opened our eyes to see you – you were already gone – and it is the only way I know.

I am waiting to see your little sibling and be able to breathe again. We are waiting for your little cousin in February and as much joy as it brings, it brings tears to my eyes to know that you won’t play together – you won’t spend summers at Grammas – you won’t be able to be that bossy oldest cousin – like I was.

But – like I said – the pain of you not being here lessens every day – but that doesn’t mean we don’t love you any less – more actually.

Enoch – I can only imagine your face covered in that first birthday cake – smiling through the sugar. And it makes me cry and so happy to call you mine.

Happy birthday sweet son of mine.

I had an appointment this morning to change my anti-anxiety medication over to something safer throughout pregnancy – but there isn’t any for my situation. My anxiety is brought on by my jaw pain – so my Amitriptyline was more for pain control and anxiety brought on by the pain.

Please pray for me specifically in that area. I have been on that medication for almost 5 years and it has made my life slightly more bearable. The appliance I wear for my jaw helps a GREAT deal – so I am trusting that will remain the case. The fall and spring are hard for me anyway with the change in temperatures.

Our first OB appointment isn’t until October 22nd – which I am not too excited about! I am not letting myself get overly excited until I see our little miracle on an US – but as it is – God has other plans for my faith. I told the nurse our history and my fears about wanting to make sure the baby is okay – and they still kept me at Oct 22nd. – which puts me at 10 weeks and 6 days – which is normal I suppose!

The last few mornings have been tough – and late nights – and I am STARVING all the time. I actually took a 3 hour nap this week – which is not like me at all! I haven’t been editing nearly as much as I should because my office chair and my hips are in an argument at the moment. My head doesn’t like to stay up on it’s own too much without my medication to dull my jaw pain and craziness. Thankfully I set up Jared’s laptop to edit my photos – which is slower than normal – but it’s getting done!

Jared has been awesome – so great with helping me out and letting me rest and understanding that our house is literally a sty. My clients have been so understanding that my normal turn-around time of less than a week is non-existent too! September and October are my busiest months and God is just teaching me that I need to slow down since I am on fast forward all the time!

Thank you again for all your prayers and thoughts! We love all of you and are blessed to call you friends and family!

If you didn’t read my WAITING blog – make sure to check that out before you read this – search under the baby barden tab.

Our pastor had met with us in mid-August and told us that God was revealing to them that we needed to open our minds and hearts to having a child in our home that wasn’t ours biologically – then we would have our own children.

Within a week my heart was changing. I had nothing wrong with adoption or foster care – but they just weren’t options for us. I wanted to be pregnant with OUR baby.

I started to think more about foster care but I would never be able to give the babies back – then my heart started changing again. And I realized that if we could be in part of their lives for the time we would NEED to be there – it was better than the alternative – and I would be able to give them back.

I am a VERY stubborn person – so to listen to myself have this huge change of heart was so strange!

On Wednesday – September 1st – I was in the valley for some sessions and my Aunt asked if I could stop over and see if we could take my cousin’s baby home with us for the night. I stopped and packed him up and brought him back home with me for the night. He was so good. He never cried or whined – he laughed and giggled and never stopped smiling. He went to sleep at 10.30 and woke up at 4 – I got him a bottle and changed him and he went right back to sleep. In the morning I gave him a bath and fed him and ran about 15 errands – all the while taking him in and out of the car – and he was so good. I took him back to my aunt’s and swam in the pool and loved him some more.

When I came home on Thursday I felt a peace like I haven’t felt in the past year and a half. I talked with my Gramma on Friday morning and told her that having *B* overnight made me realize that Jared and I are NOT ready for this. We have been married for 6 years and are very comfortable in our lives together. There are lots of things that we have going on and we just aren’t ready – and I am okay with that.

For less than 24 hours I was FINALLY at peace about not having a baby – and then I get a positive test!

I started crying and called Jared – but couldn’t get him to pick up – which is usual for him. I called Johna and cried and laughed and could hardly get the words out!

I tried very hard to NOT get pregnant in August – I have a TEXAS wedding on 5.1.2011 and a wedding on 5.14.2011 and weddings all summer long – we are going to Scotland in July! I have plans – plans that I had control over – or so I thought!

I am still in total and utter shock and so thankful to a good and faithful God.

I had an appointment this afternoon to make sure that I was indeed pregnant and figure out due dates and what not. As of right now – yes we are pregnant. Our due date is mid-May until confirmed with an ultrasound!

Once we figure everything out – I will not be taking any appointments leading up to and after the baby is born – so the whole month of May, June and July – I will be keeping the weddings and appointments I already have though – unless you are a May wedding – then I have already talked with you and we are waiting to figure out what to do!

Once August and September roll around I will only be taking 2 to 3 appointments a week and they will be local to Mansfield (other than that one day that I make trips to the valley for my chiropractor appointments). I have been thinking about this for a while and I will mostly be focusing on seniors, brides, maternity/newborn/infants/kiddos and of course my weddings no more than twice a month. I will only be scheduling sessions after 5.30 once Jared gets home. It’s a very hard decision to make but I have been looking forward to having a little one for so long that I need to enjoy it!

I know that lots of people don’t think we should be announcing so early – last time we did – and when we had our miscarriage – it was hard.

I have shared EVERYTHING with all of you – every struggle – every heartache – every tear and fear. I NEED to share this joy with you all! I NEED all the prayers we can get!

I won’t be sharing much at all over FACEBOOK – it has been so hard to see everyone and their sister on FACEBOOK being pregnant and happy. I have friends that are still struggling with conceiving and I want to be as sensitive as I can be.

It’s still not fair. It’s never fair. It’s not fair that I have this news to share and there are still people struggling out there. It’s not fair that I am so scared about seeing that first US. It’s not fair that the thought of a miscarriage pops into my head.

I am still praying for those of you who are struggling – hurting – and just plain angry. For that particular friend out there – we just had a conversation about all this the other day – I am praying that your heart will change – like mine has started to. I know the stubbornness in accepting what you can’t control – and I struggle with it even now. I want God to speak to me – not thru my MIL or Dave or our pastor – but directly to me. It’s not how it works. I know that there is a baby out there for you and your family. I KNOW it!!

The only thing that has gotten me through this past year and a half – is Jesus – my relationship with God – and if you don’t have one – you should introduce yourself!

I will be blogging updates as often as I have them – thank you SO much for praying for us.

I hate waiting. I really don’t know of anyone who enjoys waiting – except maybe my mother-in-law but she is a crazy exception!

I like to read the end of books before I start them. I would much rather go into a movie knowing the end first. It’s just the type of person I am – and have always been.

I have waited 6 years for barden photography to be what it is today. Here is a little history of the beginnings of barden photography.

In 2003 – my college friend Jeremiah asked me to photograph his wedding. To this day I still haven’t seen the photos. they bought the rolls, I took the pictures, and gave the rolls back to them. It was my first wedding and the only pictures I took for other people that year.

In 2004 – Dave Fitzgerald asked me to photograph his family for Christmas. I gave them the rolls and have only ever seen a few of those photos! It was the only pictures I took for other people that year.

In 2005 – I photographed 2 weddings – both were on film and both were for friends. James & Laura were married in October and I am so thankful they trusted me enough to allow me to capture their day. I made mistakes. I put people out in direct sunlight without thinking about shadows. Belinda & Nate were married in December at the same church and the same reception hall as James & Laura – so it was a little easier! It was a beautiful Christmas wedding! I also took photos for a family for their Christmas cards!

In 2006 – I photographed 6 weddings – most of them were for friends and were for experience. I had 1 engagement session, 1 senior session, and 1 portrait session.

In 2007 – word spread a little more and I photographed 6 weddings. I had 1 engagement session, 7 seniors, and 15 portrait sessions.

In 2008 – it started to get a little crazy. I photographed 10 weddings, 3 engagement sessions, 7 seniors, 26 portrait sessions, and sold 2 of my nature prints. In November of 2008 I started to realize that this could be my full-time job. This could really happen! I prayed and prayed that I would be able to get 24 weddings for 2009 and I would be able to quit my job as a secretary. I would be able to live my dream job!

In 2009 – I had my first BRIDAL EXPO in January and it was INCREDIBLE! I gave a 10 week notice at my job to leave on March 31st of 2009. During those 10 weeks – our friend Dave Fitzgerald called us and wanted to speak to the whole family – Jared, me, Mom and Dad B – he had a word for us. He told me specifically that God had revealed to him that barden photography was going to grow. It was going to get to a point where I would be overwhelmed with inquiries and work. To just wait – and see. For the first year of barden photography – officially – I had 24 weddings, 1 after the wedding session, 14 engagements, 32 seniors, 73 portrait sessions, 10 promotional jobs, 5 sports sessions, sold 1 nature print, and sold 6 gift certificates for family sessions. It wasn’t overwhelming. I didn’t think anything of the conversation we had with Dave earlier in the year.

8 months into 2010 – I’ve had 20 weddings, 1 after session, 2 bridal sessions, 12 engagements, 12 seniors, 78 portrait sessions, 3 promotional jobs, sold 1 nature print and sold 1 gift certificate. I am overwhelmed with inquiries for sessions. I am looking at how many I have scheduled for the rest of the year – and it’s amazing to me! Impossible!

2003. 1 wedding.

2004. 1 session.

2005. 2 weddings. 1 session.

2006. 6 weddings. 3 sessions.

2007. 6 weddings. 23 sessions.

2008. 10 weddings. 38 sessions.

2009. 24 weddings. 142 sessions.

8 months into 2010. 20 weddings. 110 sessions.

I am so thankful for all that God has given me through barden photography over the years – from the very beginning when a friend had faith in me to capture his wedding to the moments right now and the moments many years down the road.

Now we wait again. We wait for a child. I have known from the moment I can remember that I’ve wanted to be a mother. That I was meant to be a mother. 2009 was a year for change. I quit my job – started a new one – we got a puppy – and found out we were going to be parents. We waited for our first appointment and waited more when the image I knew I was supposed to see wasn’t there. We waited for our baby to miscarry – waited to start trying again. Here we are – a year and a half later – still waiting for a miracle. Praying for a baby – our baby.

On March 28th of this year – Jared’s mom was given a word in church. That our children would rise up like mighty oaks. Our children.

On April 11th of this year – Dave called us again with a word for us. We would have children. Lots of them – running around in our yard – jumping on trampolines – and they would be our biological children – they would all look like Jared.

On August 15th of this year – we met with our Pastor – because I am angry, tired, sad, and weary. He told us that God has children for us – our biological children. But first we must open our hearts to the notion of taking in a child that is not ours – biologically.

So we wait and pray.

Because we are all waiting – for something.

For a new job – a spouse – a baby – a moment alone – a day without worrying about your weight – a friend – and for Jesus to come back.

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and written a blog. I don’t have time. I have a wedding every Saturday and then at least 3 sessions a week – minimum. Right now – my blog is 4 weeks behind my schedule. I’ve thought about just blogging every other session or just using 3 or 4 pictures in each post. I can’t bring myself to it! I love all my clients and sessions and can’t bear NOT showing them to you!

It’s been an amazing 2010 for barden photography! I cannot believe the support, love, and encouragement you have all shown me! I can’t stress enough how much I love ALL of you and what you mean to me!

We are still trying to get pregnant. I am still confused and angry. I have at least 5 inquiries a week about newborn or maternity sessions. Every other day I find out about someone else being pregnant. Jared asked me the other day why I take the newborn and maternity sessions when they hurt my heart so much. i do it because I LOVE newborn and maternity sessions. Babies are such amazing miracles and capturing a woman’s body while that miracle grows inside her – just gives me chills. It’s amazing! I also choose not to refer them to someone else because I need to be joyful and happy about their blessing. I am so very angry with people that are pregnant – it’s nothing personal – just in general. I pray that God has children in our future – a pregnancy for me – in the future – but He might not. And if He doesn’t – I don’t want to live in anger all my life. I want to be happy for those people being blessed with a child. I want to be happy around those beautiful babies!

At our last appointment – almost 3 months ago now – we found out that Jared has a low count – bordering on infertile. My cycle is like clockwork but that isn’t helping. I’ve stopped the charting, the temperatures, any kind of control I have or had in the situation. Having control makes me stress out more that it’s not happening when I want it to.

I want to be a mother right now. I’ve wanted to be a mother since I can remember. I don’t know if I’ve written this before but when I graduated high school I was so upset that I would have to go to college cus I was supposed to get married and have babies – lots of them. Sometimes I guilt myself into thinking that if we would have never gone on birth control – then we would have babies – we might have a 5 year old today. Was it my fault – our selfishness?

Waiting and wondering is the hard part – and hoping. I feel that God is ignoring me – has pushed me to the side – marked me in his memo book to reply at a later date – if He remembers. I KNOW this is not true – but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way. Sometimes I feel like I’m at the middle of a tug of war with satan and God – and I’m screaming out – asking God to just pull me over the line to His side – but He just leaves me there in the middle of the tug.

I don’t understand why I’m watching so many people being blessed with pregnancy – and yet here we are – waiting and hoping.

I’ve had many people write to me on FACEBOOK or email me and tell me that my blog has helped them through their own loss or to better understand a family member that went through a loss like this. It means so much that this experience is helping others to cope – that I can help with an outlet for their own grief and anger. People have emailed me and asked me how I can be so strong in my faith – I wonder if they are looking at the same person I am looking at in the mirror. I feel like I am getting weaker by the day. It’s been over a year and a half since we started trying – including getting pregnant and having our miscarriage. I wonder how I can get through the next month and then realize that I’ve gotten through the last year and half – only by the grace of God.

My brother and his wife Jessica just announced they are pregnant – 10 weeks. They posted an ultrasound picture on FACEBOOK – their precious miracle. 10 weeks is when we lost Enoch and looking at that US picture and knowing that is what I was hoping to see – breaks my heart. It is the strangest and most complicated emotion I have ever felt. I am so incredibly happy for my brother and his wife – to be an aunt to this sweet baby. I am so sad that it isn’t us. I am so confused and don’t understand why it isn’t us – why we couldn’t have news together – why I’m not holding my 9 month old baby and my sister’s 21 month old baby – waiting for their cousin to join the world. Instead – Samm and I have babies holding each other’s hands in heaven.

Our options are to wait – to go ahead with IUI and if that doesn’t work – in vitro. I am praying that God would lead us in the right direction – that He would show us the way. Like I said – I feel like He doesn’t speak to me on this topic – I have no idea what He wants for us – what we should do. I believe that if God has a baby in store for us – He can make that happen. It’s if He does or not. I’m praying that if He does – He will calm my heart – give us peace – and if He doesn’t – He will take this desire from me.

I am trying to enjoy life for what it is instead of worrying about what it isn’t. I wake up thinking about babies and go to sleep thinking about babies. I see babies in my job, at church, at WAL*MART, everywhere.

Thank you all for praying for us and encouraging us. We love you. so. much.

Samm and I got inked!

I’ve wanted a tattoo for a long time but have never had anything that I felt was important enough to put on my body forever.

We found a design online of a dandelion with the floofies floating away and turning into birds – and we fell in love!

I went first and I had expected to pass out – but it was not NEARLY as bad as I thought it would be!

I love it!!!!

Samm and I had miscarriages almost a year apart, hers was 3.20.2008 and mine was 3.17.2009. We got the tattoos to represent our babies floofing off to heaven like the dandelion floofies and birds.

Here are some photos of Samm –

It was a great experience and will forever remind us of our sweet ones.

I’ve had a few people tell me to check out this song – my sister-in-law Jessica recently told me to listen to it – because it must be meant for me.

It describes exactly how I feel. I would love to tell you that I am doing great. That I am happy. I’m not. I’m working on it – slowly.

I approach my 29th birthday with the same feelings as last year – I am not pregnant. I am not a mother (on this earth). I am not even close to seeing it happening.

I’m done.

Done counting days. Done figuring out when is the “prime” time. Done hoping that every month I’ll take a test that comes out positive. I’m just done.

I’m working on being happy. I’m working on being a good wife instead of imagining about being a good mother. I’m working on capturing precious moments for others since God has given me this talent. I’m working on finding my own precious moments. Appreciating the husband who loves me – no matter what. The puppy who rests his head on my heart and depends on me. The family who loves me and supports me. The friends that surround me. The Jesus who laid down His life for me.

I’ve had numerous people tell me they are proud of how strong I’m being. I don’t see it. I think I get weaker and weaker as each day – moment – passes. So thank you.

So – I’m done. Done hoping. I’m not giving up hope – just done hoping.

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when…

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave…
I never leave Your hands

JJ Heller

I know that I am in Your hands Jesus. That You are in control.

I trust God. I have faith that God will complete His will in my life – our life. I have a hard time hoping that plan includes a baby. That is where I am stuck!

What do you want to do with your life? What do you want to leave as your impression on this earth? On people’s lives?

What are your goals – have they changed with each year you’ve grown older – each year you’ve discovered new joys – new heartaches?

I’ve been inspired to make a list of the things I’ve wanted to accomplish in life : some very much under my control – most of them completely out of my control. Some can be checked off and some are still waiting.

Fall in love with a boy.

Get married to said boy.

Fly.

Own a photography business.

Learn to play the piano.

Learn to play the fiddle.

Ski.

Touch a manatee.

Be published in National Geographic.

Be published in a wedding magazine.

Conceive a child with above mentioned boy.

Give birth to a happy, healthy baby.

Introduce Jesus to someone.

Travel to Africa.

Photograph in the Amazon.

Enjoy cooking.

Photograph a wedding in Europe.

Dance with my husband in the rain in Times Square.

Listen to my child sing her love to Jesus.

Own a store front in Mansfield with a small studio.

Hope. Completely.

Sleep on a beach under the stars.

Sing on a CD.

Enjoy running.

Introduce Jesus to everyone.

Those are just a few I can think of – what are yours?

I have an appointment this morning to make sure that I am indeed ovulating. I then meet with Dr. Roberts again on the 22nd of this month to go over the results of everything thus far.

We had some not so good news a few weeks ago regarding a test and need a miracle. Babies are miracles anyway – the fact that so many things need to be perfect to conceive at a given moment.

I still feel my heart tug when I see a pregnant woman or hold a newborn baby. I choke back the emotions that are welling up to the surface.

I trust that God’s will is perfect and He knows what is best for us. I have faith that He will apply His will to our lives.

Hoping that includes a child – is the hardest part.

When I get my hopes up – each month it’s a harder fall than the month before when we aren’t pregnant.

I appreciate everyone’s prayers – so much! Mostly I need prayers to accept what is and be joyful.