Dear Enoch –

Today is February 4th – two years ago today we found out we were pregnant with you! We were surprised and excited and nervous and scared!

You are 16 months old in heaven – walking and chattering and laughing and playing with your cousin – who is a year older than you and is probably being the mother hen that I used to be!

We miss you every day and often wonder what you look like – if you would be talking – who you would be charming!

As I sit here and type this little letter to you – your younger brother is kicking me – letting me know that he’s in there. God knew that Fitzy would be your little brother – He knew that he would be in our lives at this exact moment. We know that you are in heaven rejoicing with us right now!

I wanted to let you know that you are still in our hearts and always will be. I look forward to meeting your little brother and wondering what traits you share. Do you have the same eyes – the same color hair – the same little smile? Will he be chubbier than you?

People say that pregnancies last forever – or seem to. The 10 weeks we spent with you on this earth seemed so long – the 18 months of wondering and waiting and praying and crying lasted years – or so it seemed! Being pregnant with your baby brother has flown by though!

We are thankful for the night we had two years ago – learning that we would be your parents – remembering the joy we felt!

We are thankful that we ARE your parents – thankful that you are in the arms of Jesus!

Thank you for what you have shown us – thank you for changing our lives – forever!

The Birth of Jesus – Luke 2:1-20

¹ In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. ² (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) ³ And everyone went to their own town to register.

⁴ So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. ⁵ He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. ⁶ While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, ⁷ and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

⁸ And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹ An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰ But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. ¹¹ Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. ¹² This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

¹³ Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

¹⁴ “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

¹⁵ When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

¹⁶ So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. ¹⁷ When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, ¹⁸ and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹ But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. ²⁰ The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Can you imagine being those shepherds? Just sitting there watching your sheep at night – making sure nothing attacks – making sure they are all there – and then – AN ANGEL APPEARS! The angel tells them that a Savior is born – the Messiah – the Lord! More angels come and sing and exalt God! Then the shepherds look at each other and say – let’s go check this out!

I love this account telling of the shepherds – I just cannot put myself in their shoes! They find Mary and Joseph and Jesus – did they ask to hold Him – did they kiss His tender little head – did they give Him back to Mary when he started crying? Did those shepherds tell their own grandchildren that they once held the Savior of the world as a baby – that THEY were the messengers of God to spread the good news?

Today – as Fitzy jumps around in my tummy – I am humbled that God would let me borrow him for a while – that God trusts us with His precious creation. I am wondering what exactly Mary was thinking – was she concerned with the fact that He was indeed the Savior of the world or more so that He would sleep through the night?

Thank You God for giving Your Son – Jesus. Thank you Mary for being a wonderful momma to our Lord. Thank you Joseph for loving your Son and His mother. Thank you shepherds for being in that field that night!

There are two Christmas songs that I LOVE right now!

Check them out!

“oh, mary, joseph, rest your eyes
try not to think of the ending
world full of empty, He will die
but tonight He is still just a child

the silent night drifts all away
and the angels are dancing around you
there’s the joy of knowing He’ll save the world
overshadowing the pain that He’ll go through

have you cursed at the wind
have you cried to the heavens
have you fought with this mercy you don’t understand
when the wise men kneel down
to kiss the hand of this king they found
in bethlehem town

will you hold back the years a while
will you dream that this man could always be a child
and never carry all the weight
of the dirt and the distance and the company we keep

have you cursed at the wind
have you cried to the heavens
have you fought with this mercy you don’t understand
when the wise men kneel down
to kiss the hand of this king they found
in bethlehem town

and did the stars shine much brighter that night
you gave birth to the death that would bring us to life
and did the mystery keep you awake
was the sound of His little heart too much to take

oh, i don’t understand
when the wise men kneel down
to kiss the hand of this king they found

have you cursed at the wind
have you cried to the heavens
have you fought with this mercy you don’t understand
when the wise men kneel down
to kiss the hand of this king they found
in bethlehem town

in bethlehem town
in bethlehem town”

jars of clay

“Did it feel like a night any different
Then at least a million before
Was there any rare expectation
Like there was some kind of somethin’ in store
Did the sky have to hold back the thunder
Did the moon find new reasons to glow
Could the children somehow sense the wonder
2000 Decembers Ago

Were the sheep as amazed as the shepherds
At the new star that lite up the sky
Did the willow trees whisper excitement
To the rivers and streams passing by
Did the joy ricochet off the mountains
‘Til it filled up the valleys below
Did all the world sense love abounding
2000 Decembers Ago

Was anyone able to look at the stable
And not see a child but a King
I wish I could hear back over the years
As heaven & nature sing, heaven and nature sing.

Did the walls of the barn start to tremble
With a glory they could not contain
Did anyone wake with the feeling
Of peace that they could not explain
Oh the love must have been overwhelming
As it warmed everyone in its flow
For all of the earth is still telling
Of 2000 Decembers ago

Was anyone able to look at the stable
And not see a child but a king
I wish I could hear back over the years
As heaven and nature sing, heaven and nature sing
Oh the love must have been overwhelming
2000 Decembers Ago”

joy williams

I just love the perspective of those songs!

May you have a blessed and beautiful Christmas this year! Surround yourselves with the love of Jesus!

Yesterday marked 20 weeks pregnant!

I am measuring right on target with my belly at 20 cm! I still get a little sick in the mornings if I don’t eat RIGHT away! I am exhausted still and had a bad cold/sinus thing for the last two weeks that I am now just getting over – thank You Jesus! My migraines have decreased and I think I am feeling pretty good – other than the cold!

We are still in shock over this baby boy! We’ve gotten so many great little gifts already for Fitz! Thank you everyone!

Here are the comparative photos at 15 and 20 weeks!

Look at those chubby cheeks – I am blaming it on the fact that I don’t feel good!

I do love having this baby “bump”! My mom had me on May 26th and we were talking about how she didn’t even start showing till February – and she was MUCH thinner than I was when she got pregnant! Strange how it’s different for everyone!

The problem with my uterus has fixed itself – so that is good news!

Thank you again to everyone who reads my blog, supports my photography, and rejoices with us over this miracle!

Today was our ultrasound appointment – to find out if we are having a baby boy or a baby girl!

Sunday will be 20 weeks – ALREADY! It’s going so slow but at the same time so fast!

I have been on team girl – but not the whole time. Jared is on team boy! I thought at first it was a boy – maybe – then my brother and his wife found out they were having a girl and I thought – hmmmm – maybe we are too! I’ve been shopping for little Rowyn (Derek and Jessica’s miracle) and have just been in girl mode – all the little cute outfits and accessories – I am just in love!

Today we determined a winner!

We are so excited to introduce you to …

Our son – Fitzgerald Derek Douglas Barden – Fitzgerald means son of a spear warrior and we wanted to honor Jared’s friends Dan & Dave Fitzgerald along with the whole Fitzgerald family – Derek means famous ruler and is also my brother’s name – Douglas means flowing from the dark river and is Jared’s middle name (along with his dad’s middle name)! We will be calling him Fitz!

Barden means barley valley – just looked that one up!

The pictures above are at 12 weeks and today – 19 weeks!! Everything looks great – 4 chambered heart – all organs and limbs and brain are right on target!

He is unmistakably a boy – since he was waving his parts at us!

The next 20 weeks are going to be so quick! Although I am sure there will be times that I wish it would fly by faster!

We are having 5 baby showers – so exciting!

On March 19th – a Saturday – we will be hosting an open invitation baby shower for friends/facebook friends/clients/blog readers at Liberty Bible Church!

On March 27th – my dear friend Johna will be hosting one!

On April 2nd – a Saturday – my sister will be hosting another open invitation baby shower for friends/facebook friends/clients/blog readers in the Athens area at Mount Pisgah Wesleyan Church!

On April 3rd my mom is hosting one for our little boy and my brother’s little girl!

On April 16th – Jared’s mom is hosting one!

I have had so many people say they want to come to a shower – and by no means am I having the open invitation showers for gifts – YOU ALL have been reading and sharing with me on journey – and I want you there to share in the JOY that is our baby!

I am so excited to be a momma to Fitz and love on all my boys!

About 4 or 5 years ago – we were sitting in the Fitz’s living room at Christmas and Christy starts telling me about her friend Rachel. Rachel was a school teacher but she loved photography. She took a leap of faith and started her own business and it was really starting to take off! Christy brought up her website and we browsed the amazing photos! I remember the newborns being BREATHTAKING!

Jared said – hey didn’t I walk down the aisle with her at your wedding – indeed he had! From that moment on I bookmarked her blog and have been reading ever since. When KT lived with us for that semester in college – we would look at Rachel’s blog every day and I would say – someday KT – someday I wanna have a business like Rachel – I want people to look at my work and feel that same emotion I feel when I look at hers.

Rachel – I can honestly say that though we never met or really corresponded till recently – that YOU encouraged me to quit my job as a secretary and follow my dreams. When I got discouraged I would go to your blog and read your words and see your photos and KNOW that this was my purpose!

You have inspired me and helped me get where I am today – THANK YOU! You have always been true to give God the credit and talk openly about your love for Jesus – thank you for that!

Which was why – when we decided to visit Dave & Christy – I KNEW that we had to book a session with you! I had hoped beyond all hope that we would be pregnant for our session – and look at that – we were! We had a great time with you and just loved getting to meet you and be in front of your camera. You honestly made us feel like we were old friends just playing in a field!

I cannot thank you enough for sharing your talent with us!

Make sure to check out our session on her blog!

I just got the link to our photos last night and I already have an order written out – but I have to look at them AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN just to make sure! THEY ARE AMAZING!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

I have a friend who recently lost her baby at 22 weeks – an experience that I can relate to but not totally understand. We miscarried at 10 weeks – never saw a picture of our little one – never heard a heartbeat – never felt a movement – but knew that he was indeed there. My friend delivered her baby and had him in her arms for a week before saying goodbye. A heartache that I cannot imagine.

I CAN tell this friend that I know of her pain with loss – that I know of her despair and frustration. When she asks why this had to happen to her – I can only tell her that I don’t know – that horrible things happen all the time. But I do know that God can use this experience for good. I don’t believe that God took our Enoch from us – but I do believe that God uses the moments we go through to strengthen us – to teach us – to show us – and the others around us experiencing the same heartache.

Enoch was in my womb for 10 weeks – 10 short weeks – and influenced our lives more than I can ever explain. I have met so many people through facebook or this blog that have gone through loss – going through loss – going through infertility struggles. People that have finally been able to grieve their loss – have a voice about their own heartache – and have hope for the future. If losing Enoch was able to help someone else cope with loss and grief – then it was worth it. I know where my child is – I know that he is in the arms of Jesus – safe and sound. He is free from pain – from sorrow – from heartache. He only knows love and peace. I never have to worry about him being bullied or getting his heart broke. I never have to see tears in his eyes and wonder why I can’t take the pain away. I would love for him to be in our arms – but if he can’t – there is no place I would rather have him.

With Christmas approaching – Enoch is especially missed. While we are blessed with a baby on the way – Christmas is still bittersweet.

There are lots of families out there struggling with the same bittersweetness this season. I have several friends struggling with infertility – some have answers – some are still waiting for answers – all are waiting for a baby in their arms. One of those friends posted this link the other day and I wanted to share it with you – Stepping Stones.

God has been using several situations in my life to teach me lessons. Sympathy for people in pain through my struggle with TMJ. Patience and letting Him have control in waiting to be pregnant. Sensitivity to those struggling with loss and infertility.

Since the beginning of our pregnancy journey – Jared and I have felt that with each phase – you belong to a different club. When we first started trying to get pregnant you connect with the people that are also at that phase – you talk about counting days and holding your breath while you wait for the test to come back. When you do get pregnant and get that test with the two blue lines – your club gets smaller. You and some of the other people that were trying are also pregnant now – part of a new club. You dread telling your friends that are still trying – that are getting negative tests – you try not to avoid them but you don’t want to cause them pain with your joy. Then you miscarry – and the club that you were a part of becomes too painful. It hurts too much to be with the people that were pregnant with you – the ones that are still pregnant and will be holding their babies while you hold your stomach and mourn for what could have been – what should have been. Your friends that are still trying and struggling accept you back into their club – but you are also part of a new club – now with loss in common. You relate to each other – you cry with each other – you hope with each other. You all know that at any second YOU could find out you’re pregnant and be a member of yet another club. Or your close friend can become pregnant – and you are so happy for them yet so heartbroken that it’s not you – why not you? Why do you have to wait yet another month – another year? When you do get pregnant – you are back in the club with your friends that were pregnant and have their 6 month old babies giggling in their arms – and yet part of you aches for the club you left behind again. You know that you are still a part of it – and will always be – but you’ve been there – when your friend tells you she is pregnant and that jealousy and anger runs through your veins – and you can’t look at her without your heart breaking. You know that you are now the cause of that heartache.

Make sure to check out that link I mentioned and say a prayer for the families that are missing their children and waiting for that miracle.

I cannot believe that we are 15 weeks pregnant!

I’ve moved from morning sickness to all day sickness. I’ve had a migraine once every two weeks. I am exhausted. I started noticing stretch marks yesterday! I am so thankful for this miracle growing every day!

I plan on Jared taking two pictures of me every Sunday to document our weekly progress!

That is my mom’s shirt from high school – the most comfortable thing I own!

I love the way I look – not too crazy about the way I feel – but it’s all part of the package that I am so thankful for!

We have another appointment to check progress and what not on Friday. I have a slight problem where my placenta is resting on my cervix so we have to monitor that and check at our 20 week ultrasound to see if it has moved or not. At our US I want to find out what we are having – but we decided to ask the tech to write it on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope to open Christmas morning. We will go over to Jared’s parents and then call my parents, sister, and brother and all open it and find out together!

I went shopping with my sister in tax-free NJ last week and got all the maternity clothes I need! I am trying very hard to NOT buy anything for the baby – but I couldn’t help myself with a few items! I got a cute Thanksgiving onesie that says “I’m stuffed” and a fuzzy winter coat thinger that was too cute and on sale!

We registered for big baby gifts at Burlington Coat Factory with my mom and Aunt Lori. Once we find out what we are having we are gonna go with Jared’s parents to register for some more gifts! I cannot wait to have baby showers! I just can’t wait to share this joy with everyone that has cried, prayed, and hoped with us! I am thinking that I should have one in Athens – one in Troy – one in Mansfield – for facebook friends and blog readers! If anyone knows of any large venues to host a shower like that – let me know!!!

I am so behind on blogging sessions – so I will only blog belly pictures at 20, 25, 30, 35, and 40 weeks – but the weekly pictures will be on facebook!

Thank you again to everyone who reads my blog, supports my photography, and rejoices with us over this miracle!

We had our ultrasound appointment today!

We are 12 weeks and one day today! Our due date is May 8th – a Sunday – MOTHER’S DAY – which makes me cry!

Jared and I are absolutely in awe of this little life that is hanging out in my belly!

Such a sweet little baby – two arms and two legs – heartbeat between 160 and 170 – about the length of my index finger.

As I sit here and type I am just utterly in shock that this little miracle is inside of me!

God is so good – if you don’t have a relationship with Him – you need to.

We are still struggling with a girl name – we want Fitzgerald either way – so a girl might just be Fitzie Samantha!

I will be having a contest for sure about the DOB – height – weight – time of birth! It’ll be so fun!

Also – call me crazy but I want you all to be at the baby shower – how awesome would that be!!

Thank you again everyone for your prayers and your love!