I have a friend who recently lost her baby at 22 weeks – an experience that I can relate to but not totally understand. We miscarried at 10 weeks – never saw a picture of our little one – never heard a heartbeat – never felt a movement – but knew that he was indeed there. My friend delivered her baby and had him in her arms for a week before saying goodbye. A heartache that I cannot imagine.

I CAN tell this friend that I know of her pain with loss – that I know of her despair and frustration. When she asks why this had to happen to her – I can only tell her that I don’t know – that horrible things happen all the time. But I do know that God can use this experience for good. I don’t believe that God took our Enoch from us – but I do believe that God uses the moments we go through to strengthen us – to teach us – to show us – and the others around us experiencing the same heartache.

Enoch was in my womb for 10 weeks – 10 short weeks – and influenced our lives more than I can ever explain. I have met so many people through facebook or this blog that have gone through loss – going through loss – going through infertility struggles. People that have finally been able to grieve their loss – have a voice about their own heartache – and have hope for the future. If losing Enoch was able to help someone else cope with loss and grief – then it was worth it. I know where my child is – I know that he is in the arms of Jesus – safe and sound. He is free from pain – from sorrow – from heartache. He only knows love and peace. I never have to worry about him being bullied or getting his heart broke. I never have to see tears in his eyes and wonder why I can’t take the pain away. I would love for him to be in our arms – but if he can’t – there is no place I would rather have him.

With Christmas approaching – Enoch is especially missed. While we are blessed with a baby on the way – Christmas is still bittersweet.

There are lots of families out there struggling with the same bittersweetness this season. I have several friends struggling with infertility – some have answers – some are still waiting for answers – all are waiting for a baby in their arms. One of those friends posted this link the other day and I wanted to share it with you – Stepping Stones.

God has been using several situations in my life to teach me lessons. Sympathy for people in pain through my struggle with TMJ. Patience and letting Him have control in waiting to be pregnant. Sensitivity to those struggling with loss and infertility.

Since the beginning of our pregnancy journey – Jared and I have felt that with each phase – you belong to a different club. When we first started trying to get pregnant you connect with the people that are also at that phase – you talk about counting days and holding your breath while you wait for the test to come back. When you do get pregnant and get that test with the two blue lines – your club gets smaller. You and some of the other people that were trying are also pregnant now – part of a new club. You dread telling your friends that are still trying – that are getting negative tests – you try not to avoid them but you don’t want to cause them pain with your joy. Then you miscarry – and the club that you were a part of becomes too painful. It hurts too much to be with the people that were pregnant with you – the ones that are still pregnant and will be holding their babies while you hold your stomach and mourn for what could have been – what should have been. Your friends that are still trying and struggling accept you back into their club – but you are also part of a new club – now with loss in common. You relate to each other – you cry with each other – you hope with each other. You all know that at any second YOU could find out you’re pregnant and be a member of yet another club. Or your close friend can become pregnant – and you are so happy for them yet so heartbroken that it’s not you – why not you? Why do you have to wait yet another month – another year? When you do get pregnant – you are back in the club with your friends that were pregnant and have their 6 month old babies giggling in their arms – and yet part of you aches for the club you left behind again. You know that you are still a part of it – and will always be – but you’ve been there – when your friend tells you she is pregnant and that jealousy and anger runs through your veins – and you can’t look at her without your heart breaking. You know that you are now the cause of that heartache.

Make sure to check out that link I mentioned and say a prayer for the families that are missing their children and waiting for that miracle.