I was SO excited when Arica asked me to capture the first year of their little girl! I had taken photos for their little guy *G* through his first year – and am SO happy to be documenting his sister’s too!

I couldn’t resist adding that one in!

OH MY HEART! She is so beautiful! Don’t get me wrong – I ADORE my boys – but my heart does ache a teeny tiny bit for a pink bundle.

And just like her brother – she was NOT sleeping for me!

But we got adorable photos anyway!

Little *G* – reminds me of Fitzy! He was so excited to take photos with me and be my assistant!

HONESTLY!

Before we know it – she will be 3 months old and appearing on the blog again!

So excited for this blessing in your lives!

A week ago tomorrow – I met a miracle for the first time.

I woke up on Monday the 18th of November and just didn’t feel right. I was crampy and cranky and had a weird headache. I texted my parents and Samm and Bridget (our birth photographer) to let them know that something was happening – most likely. Samm said – NO! Tell him to wait – I have so much to do this week before I come. I told her I would do my best.

I took a nap that afternoon with Fitzy – which I never do. When I woke up – I knew something was brewing. My body hates naps – no matter how exhausted I am. We had dinner with our friend Mara Monday night – and I told her to be on call for watching Fitzy in the morning – cus I thought something might happen.

We went to bed. Fitzy called out for me around 1 and I laid back down with him – but couldn’t get comfortable. I was up every hour – tossing and turning. Around 5 – I went to the bathroom – and then again at 5:30 – this time – I knew that my water was breaking. Fitzy was already awake and ready for the day – crazy kid! I called Mara (our dear friend who is house sitting next door) and asked her to come stay with Fitzy. I kissed Fitzy and reminded him that we would be back for him and Grammy (my mom) was on the way. I cried. I hopped in the shower and made sure I had everything I needed – and we headed out the door. Like Fitzy – Enoch decided to come on a windy night – just starting the process two hours later (and making his appearance two hours earlier).

I had texted Bridget telling her that it looked like it would be happening today. I called Samm and my mom – letting them know that waiting another week was NOT an option. My mom called into work and headed over. Samm texted her boss and waited and waited for a response – and then got on the road. We texted Jared’s parents – who are in the Bahamas on vacation – and let them know that he wasn’t waiting for them to come home.

With Fitzy – I didn’t feel contractions until they put me on Pitocin – but this time – I felt them all morning. In all honestly – I was feeling them very irregularly all day on Monday – but knew it wasn’t anything consistent. Once we got to the hospital – they were about 10 minutes apart. The same nurse – Laura – that helped with Fitzy’s delivery – was working! She checked me and my water broke – for sure! I was 3 cm already! Johna came to encourage and support and coach – both of us. We walked the hallway and I sat on the birthing ball for a few minutes. When Laura checked me again – I was 5 cm. The contractions were getting more intense and moving along much faster than with Fitzy. When she checked me again – I was 6 to 7 cm. Bridget was on her way – I was praying she would make it – because I was pretty positive that Samm wouldn’t!

Contractions got really intense and really close together – with almost no break in between. Contractions – while they are painful – are the easy part for me. It’s interesting how some women have the urge to push but need to wait. I would rather have contractions all day than push. But the time was quickly approaching. Bridget walked into the room at about 11:30 – I said a quick hey in between contractions – and went back to work. Knowing that she was there – I was ready anytime.

I couldn’t focus. I was a wreck. I kept telling Johna that I didn’t want to do it. I wasn’t ready. Life was supposed to be different. I knew that I might get emotional – but at that moment – I felt everything from the past four months. Mostly fear. Fear of the unknown. Once this baby came out – life would change. And it’s changed so much and I’ve barely – or felt like I’ve barely – kept up. It’s fitting to me that Enoch’s birth was quick but very painful. The change in our life this summer was quick and so painful. Bringing this new life into the world was going to change OUR lives. I was afraid of how. Jared kept telling me that I was doing great. Johna whispered in my ear – you can do this. You have faith. You have to hold onto that. I know this isn’t how you want things – but you will do it. And it will be great. Or something to that effect.

At the end – the contractions were so intense that I would pull Johna down on top of me and hold on to her. Focus and rational had left me. At one moment I remember trying to get out of my own head – to focus. I prayed for the names on my list of women who want babies. I prayed that I would be thankful for this moment – because so many of them want it. That they would someday experience THIS pain instead of the pain in their hearts right now. And then his head was out. And then he was lying on the table – looking around the room – not making a sound. He was beautiful and peaceful and amazing and more than I ever thought he would be.

I was a hot mess during pushing – a crazy hot mess. I expected Dr. Becker to shake his finger at me and say – now Danielle – was all that really needed? But he didn’t. The nurses were awesome. I’m so thankful that Johna was able to be there. I called Samm to let her know that she wasn’t going to make it. She cried. I cried. We all cried. For so many reasons.

Enoch was born on Tuesday – November 19th of 2013 at 12:03 PM. He weighed 7 lbs 7 ounces and was 20 inches long! Fitzy weighed 7 lbs and 7.7 ounces. I couldn’t believe they were almost the same exact weight! Again – 7 is the number of completion and perfection – how AWESOME is that!! Enoch resembles Fitzy at some angles but definitely has his own look. He has light brown hair – a tiny bit – with a widow’s peak. His hands and feet are gigantic – just like Fitzy.

Bridget stayed until my mom came with Fitzy – capturing the first moment my boys met.

(side note – I don’t care if you book me or Bridget or some other awesome photographer – but if you are pregnant – I URGE you to consider (and do) birth pictures)

Fitzy looked at Enoch and said – Oh! I missed you baby ick! I love you baby ick! Oh!

It was beautiful.

Enoch (I’ve taken to calling him Enny. We tried Nick – but it’s just not fitting for him) is a dream. He is content and sweet. Fitzy holds him with the boppy pillow and is so proud that he does it himself. When Enoch cries – Fitzy comes over and says – it’s okay baby ick – and rubs his little head. The sweetest.

He hasn’t even been here a week and I feel like I’ve known him my whole life. Even now – I tell him about how we knew he would be born. How God named him. How the plan for his life is beautiful and amazing and most likely painful – because pain is what molds us. Teaches us. Heals us.

Bridget took that shot for us. It’s on his birth announcement – because it’s beautiful. I never thought that I would hold one baby in my arms – let alone two. I’m still in shock and so thankful that God chose us to be the ones that help guide Fitzgerald and Enoch through this crazy life.

Of course – I HAD to bring my camera.

That face!

His first day home – Fitzy is just so proud and such a big helper! Yesterday – Enoch peed all over the ottoman and his clothes while my sister was changing him – Fitzy fell on the floor laughing. He loves looking at his little toes and his little ears. He’s also amazing at communicating what he needs or wants. He said to me – momma – please give baby ick to daddy – I need you. So I did – and we cuddled. And I cried.

Because my heart is overwhelmed. With so many beautiful things.

If you don’t know – Jared and I share a website where we blog – the marriage fight.

In order to better understand what I’m about to write here – you might want to hop on over there and read – at least – the last two entries. About grace.

There is so much I want to say. So much I want to just pour out – but it’s not time. It’s not all mine to share. So I won’t.

But I will tell you this. I’m struggling. In the past – I’ve written about the hard times. It’s how I heal. How I process.

That’s a tear on my arm – right above the dandelion. It’s mine. From this morning. There were a lot more. A lot.

I’m angry. I’m confused. I look at the pictures on our bedroom wall and wonder what happened to those people. In our wedding photo. At a picnic. At the beach.

Pregnant with Fitzgerald. That’s where you can see the change. All the pictures before – we were – different. You can see it. We aged – quickly. That sparkle in our eyes isn’t as bright. Looking back – we should have been in counseling the first time we miscarried. Tomorrow would be Enoch’s 4th birthday. FOURTH. I cannot believe that it’s been that long.

(I’m okay – little Enoch in my belly is okay – I’m talking about our first baby – which we also named Enoch)

And then it all just kept coming. We got pregnant so easily that first time. And then – not so much. And I got really sad. And Jared got really sad. And then we got pregnant with Fitzy. And a new chapter in our life began. In so many areas. We miscarried again. We lost sight of each other and what was important in our lives. In our marriage. We miscarried again. Then we started to get our marriage back. It was a rough spell – but forgiveness and grace was abundant. Then we got pregnant. Again. For a fifth time. And we knew he would stay. And we both felt really awesome about where we were. How far we had come. How far God brought us from where we were.

And then – almost overnight – it started to crash. Hard. Harder than all the crap I just mentioned. Harder than anything I have ever been through. And it broke. And the pieces are still scattered. Just a few corners and edges put into place. But like with any puzzle – once you get to all blue sky in the beautiful landscape background – all the pieces look the same. And you have to start sorting them by shape. Pouring over the slight changes in the color – teeny little changes. And it takes a very long time to fit them together. To figure it out.

I feel like that’s where we are. So much has happened and there’s so much to piece together – that it’s overwhelming. The entire puzzle is blue sky. And even the edges and corners are tough. Intricate and detailed. Specific. Each piece has to fit perfectly.

And it’s taking a very long time. Which in reality – is a speck. But oh my – it seems so long already.

And in less than 7 weeks – Enoch will be here. Another precious baby in this house. A house that will have new windows next week and we can move upstairs. And if I’m honest – I’m having a hard time being excited. Because I’m terrified.

I started counseling yesterday – and she asked – what were 4 things I do well. Only 4? Just kidding. I thought about it.

Well – I organize well. I have a take control personality – so I think I lead well. I am a photographer and I think that God has blessed me with the ability to see things others can’t – so I capture moments well. And I mother well.

What’s your goal? What – my goal? Um – my goal was to have a baby before I turned 30 – I was 29 and 11 months. Check. Start a photography business. Check. But now – to be fun. To be a fun mom and wife and sister and daughter and friend. Because sometimes – I’m not. But we all need that one person that says – c’mon guys – should we REALLY do this? Do you REALLY need that sweater for $100? I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses.

And.

Love hopes all things. Right?

I mean – it’s tattooed on my arm. I look at it every day. Multiple times a day. And still – I lose hope. I cry and I whine. And I HATE whining.

Right now – it’s a deep deep valley. One where the sun hardly shines. And I am so thankful for my growing family. I am so thankful that I get to spend the days with a little boy who is full of joy. And hope.

Fitzy’s newest thing is to stand on something – a block – or a shoe – and balance. He says – MOM – look at me do this! I say – that’s fantastic baby! I’m so proud of you! And he waddles off to find the next thing to balance on. When he sees something he likes – he says – oh momma – that’s so niiiiiiiice. ooooooh. It’s seriously the best. He does the dishes. He does the laundry. He cleans the sink. He folds clothes. He washes windows.

I was so angry that this was happening now. Why couldn’t this have happened when we didn’t have a baby and one on the way. Without Fitzy – I would be in that valley too. Me – personally. I’m in it now with Jared – but I have to be the one to remind him – us – to look for the sun. Without Fitzy – it would be a lot easier to find a cave together – crawl into the darkness – and not care about coming out.

I told my aunt the other day that I felt like God was giving me the bare minimum to get by. That He could see me dangling off the cliff by my pinky – barely holding on. And He said – well – here’s a little deeper of a ledge for you to grasp. Just a little. I know you want more – but this is all you can have right now.

Now – I know – I know – God isn’t mean and vindictive. He doesn’t take pleasure in watching me dangle – although some of you would disagree with that. But it’s how I feel. And feelings are important. And so is the truth. That God is covering us and holding us.

And I tell you what seems like random babble – to say this. God has given me organizational skills. Leadership skills. Strength – but knowing to ask for help when I need it. The ability to see beauty in things that others can’t. And I’m a great mom. I have never had to use those skills like I am right now. Like I will have to. That all that crap was to prepare me – us – for this.

To depend on Jesus.

Fitzy asked me to rock him today – he hasn’t asked me to do that in a while. A few weeks. But it’s been MONTHS that he has fallen asleep while I rocked him. I needed that today. To hold my baby and know that God is holding me – holding Jared – holding Fitzy – holding Enoch – even tighter. That while I’m dangling off the edge of that cliff – while we are – that He isn’t above us – giving us just a little bit more – He’s right below us. Ready. Waiting.

Today – I texted Jared and said – What do I do? He said – Pray. Wait. Listen. Love.

I’ve prayed and prayed – and pray. I’ve waited and I feel like I don’t have much time left to wait. I’m listening but not hearing. And love. Love has been redefined in my book. Which isn’t always a bad thing. Hard – yes. Bad – no. So I love.

But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what we need.

Well – yes. A miracle. We need a miracle to find our way out of this valley.

While I tend to give out tough love – more than gentle love – I didn’t like receiving it today (not mentioning any names – Ericka) but it was what I needed to hear.

We need prayer. We need hope. We need a miracle. We need Jesus.

When I was pregnant with Fitzy – I had a contest to guess his birth – date – time – weight – length.

Turns out – my BFF was the closest.

Fitzy was born on April 28, 2011 at 2:17 PM weighing 7 lbs 7.7 oz and 19 1/2 inches long!

Johna guessed April 28, 2011 at 2:04 PM weighing 8 lbs 7 oz and 20 inches long! Crazy right? There were other people that guessed the exact height and ONE that guessed his weight at 7 lbs 7 oz.

I thought it would be fun to have another contest – where the winner just gets bragging rights.

Fitzy was due on 5.8.2011 and he was born on 4.28.2011. ALSO – I am due with Enoch on 11.27.2013 – if that helps! 

AND a copy of my brother’s book – The Tales of Rishon-Rune: The Great Elf Leader and the Other-World Witch!

Check out his website for more!

If you want to guess the stats for baby Enoch – you MUST post a comment to this blog entry. That’s the only way I can keep it all organized and keep track of the guesses. I made quite the spreadsheet last time – cus I’m a huge nerd.

I also haven’t been documenting this pregnancy as much as I did with Fitzy – something about having a toddler running around – or something! But I have been taking at least one picture a week – on IG – and then I post them to facebook – but if you only follow my blog – here you go!

That picture is at 16 weeks – I started at 15 weeks with Fitzy – but seriously – who’s counting?

20 weeks!

22 weeks! Wednesday – July 24th.

25 weeks!

27 weeks!

Also – we’ve added another name for little Enoch (pronounced E-nick)! His full name will be Enoch Samuel Cody Barden. Cody is Jared’s cousin and was the best man in our wedding. Cody means helper or wealthy! We are so anxious to see what this little boy will look like! I hope he has Jared’s green eyes!

GUESS AWAY!

As I sit here and type this blog – a can feel the tiny little movements of a baby inside. Just the little flutters that make you realize there is indeed something in there.

We find out whether this addition is a boy or a girl on July 10th. Either way – this will most likely be our last addition. I love being pregnant and would be thrilled to have at least 4 children. But I have to remember that we have 5 – and for all eternity – we will celebrate with them! I love being a momma – more than anything I’ve ever done. Jared keeps reminding me that kids are WAY out of his comfort zone – although – he is a FANTASTIC daddy to Fitzy. While our hearts are so happy with this little miracle and Fitzgerald – we still hurt from time to time. I don’t have a great history of staying pregnant. And while I don’t want to live my life in fear – I DO want to enjoy what I have been given. It’s a hard decision to make – thankfully – we have time.

But especially with the 99% chance that this will be our last baby – I want to enjoy every precious minute I can.

I took a maternity leave with Fitzy . Kinda. Sorta. Not really.

And while I loved taking your pictures – I did miss that little baby.

So this time – I will be taking 6 months off. Seriously. From November to April – I will not be scheduling any sessions or weddings. When I do return – it will be on a 1 wedding a month limit – with a handful of sessions (most likely current clients) each month. I am still trying to decide what to do about new referrals outside of seniors – since they are mostly always new clients. And this might be the norm from here on out – until my kiddos are all in school.

I’ve known one thing my whole life – I want to be a momma. And God knew. And He heard. And He gave. And He gives. Again.

SO – if you know that you want a session next year once May rolls around – it’s not too early to let me know. I already have one wedding in September and an inquiry for May. And if I’ve taken pictures for you before and you need some done while I am off – email me – and I will recommend some great photographers to you!

Thank you all for your love – your support – your prayers. It means so much.

March 21st of 2013 THURSDAY

On August 24th of 2010 – I posted this – where I said – 

On March 28th of this year (2010) – Jared’s mom was given a word in church. That our children would rise up like mighty oaks. Our children. (Jared’s mom also told me that she saw me pregnant at the beach on our yearly vacation)

On April 11th of this year (2010) – Dave (Fitzgerald) called us again with a word for us. We would have children. Lots of them – running around in our yard – jumping on trampolines – and they would be our biological children – they would all look like Jared. (six months before I quit my job at Phoenix – Dave called and said – God wants me to tell you that your photography business is going to be crazy successful – more than you ever dreamed – you will be able to do it full-time)

On August 15th of this year (2010) – we met with our Pastor – because I am angry, tired, sad, and weary. He told us that God has children for us – our biological children. But first we must open our hearts to the notion of taking in a child that is not ours – biologically.

And on September 8th of 2012 – Dave Fitzgerald texted THIS to us –

You will get pregnant again. And even though you will default in your minds that you will probably miscarry – oh no. You will have a healthy child – possibly twins! It will be huge and massive BUT you must keep it to yourselves and announce at the END of the first trimester. This is a promise from God. God is NOT done with you. He’s just starting. You need to tuck this word on your hearts and cover it. It will be a massive testimony and will restore relationships, friendships, and family ties in ways you never thought possible. It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy. BUT you MUST NOT announce it until the end of the 1st trimester. Not even to close friends or family. YOU MUST WAIT!

I honestly feel stronger about this than the word I gave you for Fitzy! You can’t even tell me when you first find out – I will already know. You can’t tell ANYONE! BELIEVE IT! RECEIVE IT! ACT! God is good and will be massively glorified through it. Save these messages for confirmation and documentation. Not for me – but so that we can honor Christ Jesus & God’s ridiculous faithfulness. He is good. He is really REALLY good!

I saved it on my phone. And then wrote it all down today. There is a part I left out – about a name – because we may not tell this time. Although – if you know me – that will be REALLY REALLY hard!

I was supposed to start my period on Tuesday – it’s Thursday. And I’m one of those girls that have ALWAYS been 28 days.

I wrote this – on March 8th of 2013 – where I said –

Today – I’m not sad. I haven’t been sad about not having another baby for about a week now. That’s a HUGE step for me. I am finally letting the peace that God has given me about our decision take over – instead of fighting it. Fighting it because we should have 3 more. I’m feeling peace instead of being angry and hurt. Instead of wondering why me and why NOT me at the same time. It’s awesome. And I finally don’t feel guilty saying that.

Our decision was to go back on birth control and wait a year.

I’ve been anxiously waiting for my period to start so I can start those little blue pills.

It’s Thursday and it’s not here yet.

And now I know why.

I took a test today.

It was positive. Within seconds. Pink. Bold. Crossing lines.

Positive.

We lost Enoch on March 17th of 2009 and little Lewis would have been born on March 24th of 2013. Today is right smack in the middle.

But. We have to keep it a secret. Well – you read why. 

Honestly – I’m speechless. I told Jared over and over that this would happen. We have to figure something out until my appointment because you KNOW we are gonna get pregnant. Because the last time I had peace like this – we found out we were pregnant with Fitzy. It doesn’t matter that we haven’t gotten pregnant since June – it will happen. I know it. I knew it.

How on earth am I not supposed to tell my sister. She’s going to figure it out. She just is. And my parents? And Jared’s parents? They always go to the Bahamas in November – I hope they haven’t booked the trip yet! But I can’t. I have to trust. The day before Dave sent us that text – I said – out of the blue – to Jared – if we get pregnant again we won’t tell a soul. Not one. Until our first trimester. Which is not me. At all.

It was confirmation.

So – today we found out that for the 5th time – we are pregnant. And we trust. Because either way – God is in control and the answer will be beautiful.

My first appointment is April 1st of 2013.

We won’t be over our first trimester until the end of May – a long two months from now!

Our due date – November 27th of 2013 – my mom’s birthday.

Whoa.

March 22nd 0f 2013 FRIDAY 

I can’t stop thinking about the women reading this thinking – GREAT. Another pregnant person who isn’t me. And while I can tell you over and over again that I’ve been there (and you know that I’ve been there several times) it doesn’t matter. It won’t matter.

Yesterday the list stood at this – 76 names. 20 with babies. 14 pregnant. 45 wanting. pray.

And while I wrote it – tears streamed down my face. Tears of happiness and of hurt. Tears of joy and of heartache. Tears of love and of pain.

I want all 45 wanting to inbox me and tell me that they are pregnant. It’s a miracle. But it isn’t happening. And here I am holding this joy in one hand and such sorrow in another for all my wanting mommas. It’s not fair. It will never be fair.

If you have to hide me on FACEBOOK – do it. If you have to avoid my blog for a while – please do. If you can’t bear to look at me – I understand. You don’t have to tell me that you are happy for me and sad for you. You might even be at the place where you are not happy for me.

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.

And that still doesn’t make it any easier for you. Not one ounce.

Please know this – I am praying for you. I am lifting your name to God every day. I am trusting that His will is perfect and amazing. I am trusting that you will feel His strength and His love right now. I encourage you to cry out to Him. He knows Your heart – He can take it. His hands are open and waiting.

April 3rd of 2013 TUESDAY

I’m hungrier. Last week I had a migraine – which if history proves anything – means that there is a viable baby. Our last pregnancy came with migraines too – so I’m still scared. Trusting. But nervous. Is that possible? To be trusting and nervous. To be sure and scared?

Yesterday was our first appointment. The one where you pee in a cup and they tell you what you already knew. The nurse came in and said – well – I hope this was a wanted pregnancy. I said – they all are. I’m scared. We were going to take a break for a year and THEN see a specialist – but we never even got to the birth control part. We aren’t telling anyone so I’ve kind of forgotten about it. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I don’t do caffeine. I don’t really have to change anything.

I did wake up yesterday and today feeling just a little off – struggling to swallow my vitamins without gagging.

So – we wait to hear from our OB and set up our first appointment. Part of me wants an ultrasound RIGHT NOW while the other part wants to wait like we did with Fitzy. I am almost six weeks at this point – so we have another seven weeks to go!

I’ve known for 2 weeks and haven’t told ANYONE (except the doctor) and I’m shocked.

April 5th of 2013 THURSDAY 

Last night the stomach bug hit. Or a flu bug. Or both. It was intense. I lost two pounds overnight. I didn’t sleep until this morning when Jared stayed home with Fitzy. I took a bath early this morning and kept praying that those pangs in my stomach were flu pangs – not miscarriage pangs. I’m trying hard to not let fear win. It takes a lot of focus and a lot of prayer.

I’ve realized that in not sharing this pregnancy news with ANYONE but Jared – we are both depending on God. A lot. The way it should be. And it’s crazy hard!

April 30th of 2013 TUESDAY

Yesterday was our ultrasound. I laid down on the table and closed my eyes. I prayed. She started and didn’t say anything – and then a – there’s your baby. And the tears came. According to her measurements we are between 10 and 11 weeks – further along than I thought – and further along than any other pregnancy – except with Fitzy. We saw a little body and a head. Arms and a fast heartbeat. THANK YOU JESUS. Baby was moving around and looked good. The last two times – I got a phone call from the doctor that afternoon. No phone call. And I’ve been getting sick in the mornings. And afternoons. And evenings. Thank You Jesus.

Fitzy is very excited about his birthday present! He keeps pointing at my belly and saying – dear Jesus – heal – momma – baby – girl. This weekend he pointed to my belly and said baby. My mom looked at me with raised eyebrows. I said – yes – that’s where you were when you were a baby. Whew!

Someone did say to me recently – Danielle – you look GREAT! I mean like radiant – glowing! Are you SURE you’re not pregnant? I said – I’m sure. When she left I looked at Jared and said – REALLY? I’m not supposed to say ANYTHING!?

A friend asked me if I stopped updating my weight loss on my blog because of the issues people were having. I said nope. I planned to update at 20 pounds and then again at 12 weeks (which I didn’t think would be two separate posts) and then lastly at 30 pounds. Which I haven’t reached yet. But I couldn’t tell her why. I said – because I feel good right here. I look good right here. I’m good. Which is also true. But I won’t be hitting that 30 pounds – at least – not this time around.

Thank You God for this unexpected and amazing miracle. Again.

May 26th of 2013 SUNDAY

Yesterday we had Fitzy’s birthday party. We waited until the very end to give him our gift. I made a mental checklist in my head – mom is here – Brenda is here – Samm is here – Brian is here – I’ll go get dad. Okay – everyone is here. Jared started the video. I told Fitzy this was his last present but Sammy had to help him read it. Samm unfolded the shirt that said BIG BROTHER and it took her a minute. She looked up at me and said – ARE YOU SERIOUS? I said – yes – we are 13 weeks. Brenda (my mother-in-law) screamed and cried and rushed over to hug me. She asked if we had an ultrasound. I said – Yes. We’ve heard a heartbeat too. Samm hit me. Then the video ends. And I scan the room and realize my mom isn’t there. I seriously thought maybe she was upset and had to leave. Nope. When my back was turned – she got up and left – to go to the bathroom – and I was so focused on that little shirt – I didn’t notice. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! UGH! So we waited for her to come back and then gave her the shirt. And just like my mom – she said – Oh. Just like that. Oh. Then she added a little – I’m shocked – you were on birth control! I said – I never even got to start! She said – Oh. I read the text that Dave sent us – and tears flowed again.

Friday night – I noticed a tiny bit of spotting. No. Not now. Not this time. This cannot be happening. I texted a few people that I had already told. Asked them to pray. Is this okay. Is everything okay? This CANNOT be happening again. Not this time. Not right now. No. Just no. It happened with Fitzy – at 20 weeks. This makes me scared. I took my phone out and read the text from Dave – again. For the 400th time. Just like I did in the beginning every time I was feeling scared.

We heard a heartbeat on Tuesday – 165. Everything was fine. 13 weeks. It HAS to be fine. Right? I mean – we are telling everyone tomorrow. It has to be okay. It’s the end of the first trimester. We will get pregnant again. And even though we will default in our minds that we will probably miscarry – oh no.

The spotting stopped. My sister-in-law assured me that a little is normal – it happened with her. Prayers were sent and sent and sent. Prayers are being sent. Still being sent. I still felt sick this morning. I’ll most likely call on Tuesday to schedule something – just to make sure. Cus I’m like that. So – please continue to pray with us. Pray for Jared and I – that we can rest in God’s love and peace. Pray for this wee one – that this baby is doing well and wonderful.

 And because it’s awesome – I leave you again with the words God gave us through Dave –

You will get pregnant again. And even though you will default in your minds that you will probably miscarry – oh no. You will have a healthy child – possibly twins! It will be huge and massive BUT you must keep it to yourselves and announce at the END of the first trimester. This is a promise from God. God is NOT done with you. He’s just starting. You need to tuck this word on your hearts and cover it. It will be a massive testimony and will restore relationships, friendships, and family ties in ways you never thought possible. It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy. BUT you MUST NOT announce it until the end of the 1st trimester. Not even to close friends or family. YOU MUST WAIT!

I honestly feel stronger about this than the word I gave you for Fitzy! You can’t even tell me when you first find out – I will already know. You can’t tell ANYONE! BELIEVE IT! RECEIVE IT! ACT! God is good and will be massively glorified through it. Save these messages for confirmation and documentation. Not for me – but so that we can honor Christ Jesus & God’s ridiculous faithfulness. He is good. He is really REALLY good!

In 6th grade – we were asked to write down what we wanted to be when we grew up. Teacher is written under my name in the yearbook. By senior year – it probably changed to Architect/Interior Designer – I wouldn’t know exactly without looking. I imagined myself rich and beautiful. Toting around 4 ridiculously cute babies. Two girls and two boys – in that order. Bailey Russell was my girl name. Christopher William was my boy name. I’d have to come up with two others – but maybe my tall dark and ridiculously handsome husband could help.

But looking back – I didn’t really envision my life in the future very much.

When I got to Philadelphia University – homesickness struck. Really bad. I wanted to quit. I packed up three times and called my parents and begged them to come get me. They didn’t. They told me I had to stay. I asked if I could transfer to Mansfield in the spring. Sure – but you are staying for the semester. I stuck it out. By the time the semester ended – I was happier and could have stayed. But I didn’t.

I transferred to Mansfield – cut my hair off a la Felicity – and started anew. That first spring semester was hard. I went home every weekend. I kept to myself and my studies. I lived in the library and in my room. I lived in a suite – but I can’t even tell you the names of the  girls I shared it with. I NEVER talked to them. My roommate moved out mid-semester and then it was just me. Of course there were boys (there are always boys) that I was interested in – and I daydreamed about what would actually happen if they asked me to go out with them. What being a couple would mean – most likely happiness and love and babies and happy ever after. Obviously.

Life didn’t play out like I planned. I was in college but I didn’t love it. I had no idea what I wanted to be. Other than married and pregnant. I picked Accounting because I had NO time left to choose a major unless I wanted to be a professional college student. I had NO intention of being an accountant. Just a mom. I could always find a job as a secretary.

But the boys I loved didn’t love me – or at least – were not IN love with me.

Then I met Jared. He chased me. Pursued me. But he wasn’t tall. He wasn’t dark. While Jared is my love and I find him attractive – he wasn’t the picture of handsome I was imagining myself marrying. He loved me. He loved me before I loved him. He knew right away that I would be the one – and I took a little more convincing. It sounds awful – and I don’t mean it to be. But he just wasn’t what I pictured my life to look like. I didn’t want to be taller than my husband – I didn’t wear heels often – but what if I wanted to. I’m already pretty pale – our babies would be really really white. And aren’t all the pictures of happiness of men with Val Kilmer’s (young Val Kilmer) jaw line? Shallow? Heck. Yes. So. Very. Much. But I’m serious – it scared me a little. Would we travel? Jared was an only child who didn’t really crave babies in his life – and I wanted 4. Lots of me talk in that paragraph. LOTS.

sidenote – the first month we were married – my mom called and asked how things were. I told her that I was terrified of marrying an only child. I had no idea how to deal with his selfishness. She said – and? I said – mom. I’m the most selfish person I’ve ever known. Ew.

I didn’t expect Jared to propose when he did. I was a horrible – rotten – spoiled little child the night he proposed. In reality he should have taken the ring and threw into the dark cold bushes and left me in that field. Alone. But he didn’t. He loved me. He asked me to share his life with him. He trusted me with his heart. A few weeks before he proposed – I called my mom and said – Jared and I have been dating almost a year – I don’t have a reason to break up with him – other than he doesn’t LOOK like what I thought I would marry. Seriously Danielle. Get over yourself. Anyway – my mom chuckled. She said – look at all these guys you’ve pined after – have any of them loved you? Have any of them treated you the way you deserve – which really wasn’t much by the way I was acting. If you give up on what you have with Jared – you might be missing out on your whole life.

Thanks mom.

She was right. So right. I loved this man – as short and pale and really truly handsome as he was. I was terrified of that. Or maybe I was terrified that he really did love me. That he wasn’t leaving. He wasn’t using me. He was after my heart. And I was a jerk.

Thankfully – he didn’t leave me. Thankfully – I got over myself – AM getting over myself.

I look back on who I am now – who I’ve become. And I’m happy. Like I wrote in my THANK YOU AUNT LORI blog – I still have LOTS to improve on – I am very thankful for where I am. I have a successful business that I built. I have a beautiful baby. We live in a house that I am learning to love – very VERY slowly. We have amazing parents. And Jared still keeps me in check. He pushes me to be better. To dream better. To expect better. To act better. He has encouraged my walk with God.

When I was making a list of all the things my husband needed to be – a Christian was in the top 3. But that is where it ended. I didn’t need him to talk to God. To trust God. Just have asked Jesus into his heart. And live it out every once in a while. I’m ashamedly serious.

Instead – I got a man who loves Jesus. A man who strives to live in that love. A man who prays with me and for me. A man who questions and answers. A man who strives to be better with me.

We are not rich – in the terms that you would think. But we are rich in forgiveness. In family. In friends. In love. In blessings. In God’s favor.

While I don’t know where I thought I would be at this moment in my life – I’m POSITIVE that where I am is much better than anywhere I could have ever dreamed.

The first night we were in the hospital with Fitzy – the nurse asked if we wanted him with us or in the nursery. I said – if I say nursery – am I a bad mom? She giggled and reassured me that I was not. I said – then nursery it is! They brought him in when he was hungry and then took him back when he was done. I look back on this and I think – I can’t believe I didn’t want to just hold him and eat him up. I can’t believe I let him just lie in that cold cart all by himself. Oh right – I was exhausted – and the nurses took great care of him.

When we brought him home – I had every intention of putting him in a bassinet next to our bed. Which I did – but he cried. As soon as I picked him up – he went to sleep. As soon as I laid him down – he woke up and cried. While I tend to be a non-sympathetic person in general – when it comes to babies – I melt. I couldn’t let my new baby cry. What if he thought I didn’t love him. What if he thought I left him. What if he got scared. Yes – I actually thought these things.

It didn’t really matter. Schrute did not adjust well to Fitzy. I asked my dog-loving friends – they said – wait it out – give him a chance. Every time Fitzy made a move or a noise – Schrute was there in the blink of an eye – and not always gentle. He was jealous and confused. He was anxious and irritable. I didn’t trust him – I was uneasy.

I was exhausted. I would nurse Fitzy in bed and fall back asleep – sitting up – holding him. By the grace of God – nothing horrible happened. Jared was uneasy with it and so was I. We took to sleeping in the recliners in the living room with Fitzy on my chest – I would wake up and nurse him – and fall back asleep with him cradled in my arms – thankfully again – God kept him safe. It wasn’t ideal – but until Schrute found a new home – it would have to do.

side note – finding a new home for our first baby was one of the HARDEST things we’ve ever had to do. EVER . lots of people made me feel bad about it. some people understood. but for the most part – we were horrible for just getting rid of our dog. while he is doing fantastic in his new home – he has also bit two people. because they pet him unexpectedly. isn’t that exactly what babies and toddlers do. that could have been Fitzy – and it could have been fatal. and then I would most definitely be institutionalized.

We found a new home for Schrute. Time to have Fitzy sleep on his own – in the bassinet in our room. Our house is a little patched together. Our first floor is the kitchen and living room. Our second-ish floor is the bathroom and bedroom and laundry room and little cubby rooms. Our third-ish floor has two bedrooms. Our attic is big enough for two BIG rooms and a bathroom and then there is a loft in the attic. Our bedroom is on the second-ish floor. Fitzy’s is on the third-ish floor. WHICH FREAKS ME OUT. (I’m a control freak – remember) and while I try my best to keep it at bay – having my child on a different floor than me is NOT okay. I don’t know if it would ever be – especially such a teeny baby.

We moved his crib downstairs – tried here and there – he wanted to sleep right next to momma – which I didn’t mind. Oddly enough. I NEVER intended to be a co-sleeping mom. Co-sleeping moms are kinda crazy – so they say. That was NOT going to be me. I’ve heard stories about babies that sleep in their parents bed till Kindergarten. Nope. Not me. Not us. Won’t happen. But here we were.

Fitzy didn’t even really sleep through the night until about 14 months. Seriously. Having Fitzy sleep right next to me and get up multiple times in the night – way easier than me getting up and completely waking up. Every night.

Then Jared was not okay with it. He didn’t really let me know at first – it just exploded into this issue (followed by several other issues) and there was NOT going to be a baby in our bed anymore. His crib was moved upstairs (ugh). And since our friends said that they let their babies cry it out – that is what we were going to do. I was NOT happy – to say the least. But I would try it. Fitzy cried for 3 hours. 3 HOURS STRAIGHT. I refused to go get him. We tried the 5 minutes – 15 minutes – 30 minutes – blah blah blah. Only made it worse. But this was something that he was bound and determined would work. Finally – he caved. Ya know – after 3 hours of non-stop screaming.

I was willing to work on it – little by little. But I am not a cry it out mom. Kudos to those of you that are. We moved his crib back downstairs and would put him in it for naps and then to start the night. Naps would last maybe 45 minutes in his crib. Compared to the 2 hours on the couch. So he usually naps on the couch (unless it’s the weekend – then it’s on Jared) while I blog or edit or organize.

He would start out the night in his crib and usually stand up and say MOMMA at about 1. I would pick him up and lay him in bed and fall back asleep. And he would sleep the rest of the night.

We need to renovate our house – like – majorly. New windows. in. every. blasted. room. New siding. on our giant house. New laundry and nook rooms. New electric. New bedrooms. New attic. New attic bathroom. New doorways. Basically you name it – it needs to be done. So the goal is to work on a back bedroom for us that shares a wall with a little bedroom for Fitzy – and by that time – to have a baby that can sleep on his own. All night. In his own bed.

I rock Fitzy to sleep. Have since the moment he came home. I love it. He is an almost 3 foot – 33 pound – almost 22 month old. Kind of hard to get comfortable in a rocking chair with me. He lets me rock him to sleep for nap time. But the past month – I’ve had to lay him down in bed next to me and bop him to sleep. Sing Silent Night – hold him close.

We took the front off his crib and moved it flush with our bed. When he is finally asleep – I move him to his bed. There has been ONE night he slept there in that bed from 9 to 7. ONE. So far he sleeps till about 3 and then crawls over to me and cuddles up and falls back asleep till about 8. (Once when he was little bitty and sleeping in his car seat – yes we tried that trick – he slept all night – those are the two times)

Progress. Slow and steady. I make sure that this issue isn’t an issue in our marriage anymore – that I make time for Jared. That just because we have friends that don’t live this way – doesn’t mean that it’s horrible that we do. And I’ve completely changed my mind about co-sleeping parents. I understand now that some parents choose this option and that it works for them. While I don’t want Fitzy sleeping with us forever – it’s what worked for us then. For now.

And while I am frustrated and exhausted and basically running on prayers and little Fitzy kisses – I still love singing Silent Night. Every. Night.

I wrote this blog a month ago – so to update – He’s been getting worse the past week – he does have a cold – so it might be that. But it takes anywhere from 30 minutes to 90 minutes to get him to sleep and then he gets up at 130 and then again at 330 and stirs till 430 and then again at 630 and stays up usually. I cry for the 30 to 90 minutes it takes to get him to sleep. I cry when he wakes up at 630 – ready to go. I’ve been going to sleep when he does – leaving almost no time with just Jared – and this will not be an issue again. I have an appointment today for his little feet (he walks on the insides of his little ankles – really bad – maybe he’s in pain. hopefully there is something we can do for him. i have an appointment next week to see if we need to go gluten free – maybe it’s his little tummy. i can’t wait till warmer weather where he can run around and play outside and fall asleep on the floor playing – he has NEVER done that)

A huge surprise happened last night! It took 30 minutes to get him to sleep – usually he just wants to play and talk. He fell asleep at 9 and at 5 am woke up – IN HIS CRIB. He crawled over to me and we got up at 8. SERIOUS ANSWER TO PRAYER. And while my old self would say – it’s just a fluke – my new self is thankful for this! SO THANK YOU!

Recently I had to purge my life of FACEBOOK for a month. There are SO many reasons – FACEBOOK being a giant time waster – ignoring my child – ignoring my house – ignoring Jared – caring too much what people thought (which is something I’ve never dealt with) – and jealousy.

Jealousy was a BIG one. I really really really want to be happy in the house we live in. It’s slowly coming along. But I was getting VERY jealous of our friends that have the houses they loved – finding houses the loved. Cus in my mind the grass is ALWAYS greener – and usually on FACEBOOK you only see the grass is greener parts of life. It was bringing me down – not at the fault of any of our friends – totally mine.

Oh – and babies. While I truly love and feel called to pray for my mommas in wanting and being connected to them through FACEBOOK – I was getting really jealous of friends that were having blessings (and angry with the ones that complained about it) – so I needed to remove myself.

I’ve since rejoined the world of FACEBOOK – but I use the “remove from news feed” button. A lot. I understand that it’s not the BEST way to get over my issues – but it’s a start. A start to focus on the blessings that are in my life. Right. Now.

2012 SUCKED – basically like every other year it seems. But it really sucked. Such is my life – is what I tell Jared. He hates it. But sadly – it’s the truth. People have asked me why I stand by my faith in God when everything just seems to be craptastic. Why do I keep giving when it seems that all I get is more crap.

If this is the fate I have following God and giving – I’d hate to see what lies ahead without.

This year my goal is to count my blessings – not my sorrows – cus there will always be sorrows – but I really want to focus on the blessings. If that means that I have to take a FACEBOOK break – so be it. If that means that I have to write our blessings down – one by one – and put them in a jar – it will happen.

This morning we had an ultrasound.

I thought I was about 8 weeks along – turns out – not so much. The tech figured about 6 weeks and 4 days.

Either way – we got to see a teeny baby!

I saw a little heartbeat on the screen and my heart skipped a beat! That baby is TEENY TINY and it has a heartbeat already! God is SO good!

When it does come time to reveal whether baby is a boy or a girl – the name will be kept a secret this time – considering all the grief we got with Fitzy!

I have been so cautious and preparing myself for the worst – it’s nice to breathe a little easier!

Keep those prayers coming for a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy – I appreciate you all SO MUCH!

In light of our family growing – another change has to be made.

I HAVE to cut back on photography. HAVE TO.

That being said – I will not be taking clients during the months of March – April – May – June of 2013. UNLESS we already have your wedding scheduled OR you are a baby package client that needs photos during one of those months – in which case I hope to connect with you today!

I will ONLY be taking portrait sessions from current clients – any new clients that contact me I will refer to some AMAZING local photographers that I know! With the exceptions of seniors and new babies – but those will be VERY limited! It’s really hard for me to say no – but I’m gonna have to start. I can do 1 wedding a month and no more than 5 sessions a month.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job – but like I’ve said before – I love my family more and with another sweet baby – I need to prioritize my life!

THANK YOU AGAIN for all your support and prayers and love!