Fitzy is AMAZING! He is so smart and joyful! He isn’t walking by himself yet – and I tend to compare to everyone else and wonder why he is so far behind – but crawling gets him there faster!

He knows where is nose and his ears and belly button are – and LOVES looking for YOUR belly button too!

He says ball and dada and mama and book and baba and a few more! He loves to shake his head no and wave his arms when he means yes! He LOVES to be in the water and looks forward to his morning bath in the sink!

He LOVES to look through all his books before we get out of bed in the morning!

He has two more teeth coming in on top!

I LOVE THAT FACE!

LOOK AT THOSE TEETH! My mom has a picture of me like this – we look SO much alike!

The past month has been so busy – crazy with weddings and photography and conferences and plans and just life in general!

I’ve been having migraines (which I was pretty much over) about every week or so the last month and I told Jared – after the 4th one in 3 weeks – that I must be pregnant.

When I was pregnant the first time in 2009 – I didn’t have any symptoms. When I was pregnant with Fitzy – I had migraines and morning sickness and was SO tired. When I was pregnant this January – I didn’t have any symptoms – which is how I knew that we would be miscarrying.

Well – I took a test and had an appointment this morning – and the results are in!

We are pregnant!

I’m excited and scared. Mostly scared. This is our 4th pregnancy with 2 out of 3 ending in miscarriage. If we have another miscarriage – we are done. It’s too hurtful and emotionally taxing. I’ve been a little crampy and then remembered that I was with Fitzy in the early early weeks.

This baby would be due March 19th. Our first miscarriage was March 17th. So – I’m praying that this baby is intended for our arms and will complete our little family!

We are sharing so early because we covet your prayers! Pray that this little baby is healthy and comfy in my belly. Pray that we could be excited and not spend our days in worry.

And pray that those women and men out there crying out for babies of their own have their miracles!

⁷ The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Before they diagnosed me with TMJ disorder – I thought I was dying. I thought for sure I had a brain tumor that was pushing my eye out of the socket. A tumor that was pushing on my brain and making it feel like mice were running up and down my nerves. A tumor that was making my arm and face numb – making me delirious from pain. I was sure of it.

I prayed like I never prayed before. I cried. I yelled. I got down on my knees. I screamed. I begged. I cried. I slept. I prayed.

One night I opened by Bible – begging God to give me a verse – to speak to me. Psalm 46 is what I turned to. Verse 5 is what jumped out to me. God is within HER. SHE will not fall. God will help HER at break of day. How many times in the Bible is the word he used instead of she – LOTS! And this verse said SHE. That God would help HER at break of day. Nights were usually the worst for me. After being up all day and carrying around this pressured ball on my shoulders. I came home from working all day and cried and slept. And did it all again the next day. And the next day. I printed this verse out and put it under my keyboard at work – on the wall – in my calendar – EVERYWHERE! Jared helped me memorize it – going over it with me every night.

I said it over and over and over and over again. Cried it. Prayed it. Screamed it. GOD WILL HELP HER AT BREAK OF DAY. That one sentence was my lifeline. I held onto that hope that tomorrow I would wake up. That I would want to wake up – because I can honestly tell you that I wanted to die. I wished I would die. It hurt so bad – all the time. But I would repeat Psalm 46 and hold onto hope.

I started having symptoms in March of 2006 and didn’t get my retainer until August of 2008 – so two years of constant SEVERE pain. Two years of praying this prayer over and over and over again. After I started wearing my retainer – the pain decreased. It’s still there – almost all the time – but NOTHING compared to what it was. On a scale of 1 to 10 my pain used to be a 15. It’s now about a 3 to 4 all the time. GIANT IMPROVEMENT. It’s something I’m used to at this point. When a storm comes through I’m usually pain free. Otherwise – it’s there.

Knowing that my pain was manageable – we decided to try and get pregnant. I’m sure most of you know about that long road and struggle and blessing in the end. Psalm 46 spoke to me then too. GOD IS WITHIN HER – SHE WILL NOT FALL. I felt helpless. I felt alone. I felt forgotten. But I would repeat Psalm 46 – over and over again. And again. And then again. I felt like I was a mountain falling into the sea. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of babies and pregnancies and blessings – that weren’t ours.

Our sweet miracle is now 14 months old – so we are at the point where people are asking (telling really) – YOU NEED TO HAVE ANOTHER – WHEN ARE YOU GONNA HAVE ANOTHER – YOU NEED TO GET STARTED ON THAT. And (sadly) I’m at the point where I say – well – since we’ve had two miscarriages now – I don’t know. I know for some people they can literally just think about getting pregnant and just like that – it happens that month. I don’t know what that’s like. I do know what it’s like to try and try and try for months on end (eighteen for Fitzy) and crash every month you get your period – fall into a heap and scream and pray and cry. That’s what I know. I know what’s it like to lose – not one but two babies and wonder if it will ever happen again. If we were to get pregnant again – would we stay pregnant? If we miscarry again – that’s it. We’re done. I’ve been pregnant 3 times – only once past 10 weeks. Knowing that the next time I get pregnant might be our last scares me. So I repeat Psalm 46 again – for yet another season in my life.

I write this to encourage you. To tell you that you are not alone. To let you know that God LOVES you.

You might need Psalm 46 in your life right now. Know it. Breathe it.

*B* came a little earlier than expected – not long after our maternity session actually!

Her big brother has the BEST cheeks in the world!

There is just something special about a daddy and his little girl!

She was such a perfect little model!

I LOVE THOSE SHOTS!!

Jessica & Scot – I can’t wait to watch your baby girl grow this year! Thanks again for asking me to capture this time for you!

While Fitzy’s birthday isn’t until Saturday – he was born on the last Thursday in April – which is today!!

I cannot believe that this little – well – NOT so little – guy has been here for 52 weeks. 52 Thursdays.

I’ve really been sucking it up with blogging lately. Working from “home” and being a wife and a momma is TOUGH. I am so behind on editing – cleaning (what’s that) – and I just feel stretched too thin. I am so glad that I took time off this year from photography. Normally my schedule is CRAZY packed. I feel like right now it’s just enough – although – like I said – I am crazy behind on editing.

SO much has happened this year – ON TOP of being parents for the first time!

Jared and I started a marriage blog – the marriage fight – and since then I feel like we’ve done NOTHING but argue – giving us LOTS of topics to cover.

This year I have discovered that having Jesus in my life is SO IMPORTANT. More so than any other years – even 2009 – which was EQUALLY horrible. Without Jesus living in me I would have given up a long time ago – on a lot of things.

God heard the cry of my heart. He gave me a BEAUTIFUL baby and a renewed hope. He has given me an amazing husband and the strength to work through our struggles and come out REFINED. God is CRYING out to you today. YOU WERE BORN FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS. How POWERFUL is that? God brought YOU into THIS moment and THIS time for a very specific reason. I keep trying to remember that as we go through these past few months and the months to come. Jared and I both feel called to be a ministry – to YOU. The best way for us to share God’s love is to blog. Starting this marriage blog was something we felt God was urging us to do. WE WERE BORN FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS.

YOU HAVE A PURPOSE – a DIVINE purpose – and God is using you RIGHT NOW – even if you feel like you are in the middle of absolute CRAP (cus I’m feeling it) – HE IS REFINING YOU. He is bringing you to your purpose. HE LOVES YOU. OH MY WORD HOW HE LOVES YOU. Answer that cry. Don’t wait. He will TRANSFORM your life!

Thank you God for bringing Fitzy into our lives. He is an amazing little boy. He worships You – he raises his little hands (something I’ve been doing at home lately but just can’t do it in public yet) and he closes his little eyes and lets the music flow over him. He reaches out to You. It is the most amazing and heart warming experience I’ve ever had. Our struggle to have him has brought so many closer to You and to hope. You are already doing amazing things through him. I only pray that in the time you are lending him to us that we can help shape and mold him into the man you intend him to be. I can’t even think about him all grown up – the tears just come faster and I can’t see to type – so – thank You for him.

Happy 52 weeks here with us Fitzy! We love you!!

How can I be so absolutely sad for me yet so completely happy for you?

I’ve written about it before – when you want NOTHING more than to hold a child in your arms – you’ve lost a baby and you are trying SO HARD to have another. And then someone you love – your dear friend or your sister – tell you they are expecting. The first emotion for me is absolute rage and jealousy. Yes – rage. How dare you tell me that you are expecting. Don’t you know what I’m going through? Don’t you know that I want to be the one with the great news to tell? You know you have happiness in your now very dark brown – almost black heart – for them – but you really don’t want to look for it. So you hug them or tell them congrats. Then you walk away and you cry and you scream. And you ask God why them and not me. Why aren’t they experiencing this heartache – not that I would EVER want them to – but why?

Looking back on it – I’ve lost a couple good friendships because I couldn’t answer that question. I couldn’t watch them grow and be excited about their baby when every month my test was negative. Again. I couldn’t bear when they hugged me and told me it would happen – in God’s time. Because in the meantime I had to watch God’s timing unfold in their life right before my eyes. While I waited. And waited. And waited.

In 2010 I had a giant falling out with a VERY dear friend. What happened doesn’t matter now – but what happened on top of the issue – was that she told me she was pregnant. Their due date was in October. About 10 days after what would have been our little guy’s first birthday. I remember those emotions reading her email. I was SO FURIOUS. I literally saw red. I called my dear aunt L and sobbed to her. It’s not fair. After all THIS and THEN I find out she’s pregnant! I was honestly more upset about the pregnant part than the other. I missed out on her pregnancy – the birth of her sweet one – and the first year of that little girl’s life. Because I couldn’t bear to see her pregnant and not me.

Another friend announced her pregnancy RIGHT after we lost Enoch – it was so fresh and so painful. We wanted to be pregnant together and the simple solution was to try again. We tried. And tried. And tried. And nothing. Again – I couldn’t bear to watch this friend enjoy this beautiful miracle while I wanted it – craved it – so badly. We are still friends now – but not nearly as close as we once were.

There are at least TEN other women I know who announced their pregnancies right around mine. It will be hard. It will be unfair. It will suck. Please know that when I’m not commenting on your photos or updates – it’s because I have to hide you on fbook. I can’t see the weekly updates. I get so angry and jealous. I question again – WHY US – AGAIN. It’s not you. It’s me.

My brother and his wife are having another baby in early April. Why can’t we join them in the happy pregnancies and welcoming of babies! It’s a horrible feeling to have – especially against your brother. An insane jealousy. A complete unfairness.

EVEN THOUGH – I am SO HAPPY for them – all of them. So happy that their hearts will grow a little more for this baby joining their lives! Happy that their arms are full of a smiling – sweet smelling – miracle! Happy that their prayers have been answered.

How can you be equally happy and so sad at the same time? It’s so possible. I’ve been there. I am there again. I am there EVERY TIME I look at my list of names and pray.

How can you get through?

Jesus. Forgiveness. Love. Prayer. Honesty. Hugs. Prayer. Tears. Prayer. Jesus. Forgiveness. You get it.

My brother and his wife are awesome. They know I am so happy for them and sad for me. They are sad about their niece or nephew they don’t get to hold. They know that when I can’t talk to them it isn’t personal – it’s just a hard day.

The first friend I talked about – I feel like it’s been 10 years since we’ve talked – or seen each other – it’s “only” been two years – two years too long. But SOMETIMES the heart needs time to heal – most of the time actually. We have both grown so much in 2 years. I have learned so much and Jesus has been hugging me and loving on me and showing me forgiveness. He has answered my prayer. For a baby. For a sweet beautiful wonderful amazing (sleepless) child. In His time – you have to know how much I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT TO ME. HATE. But – it’s true. Yuck. Jesus has forgiven me for my anger and my rage and my jealousy and my judging. And continues to forgive me cus I continue to feel that way.

This friend and I are now talking – we forgive and are forgiven. I miss her DEARLY. I am thankful for her forgiveness and willingness to make a new start.

Start this process with someone today – I know from experience that the worst that can happen is someone can tell you it isn’t genuine and to never speak to them again. It sucks. Or they can be a family member – and you try to ask what you’ve done wrong – can we fix this. And they totally ignore you. But YOU made the effort – you sought forgiveness. You apologized – genuinely. But the best that can happen is that you have a friendship again with someone you loved. Dearly.

I met Sherry through her sister Brandy! We’ve had this newborn session on the books for quite a while!

*B* was one of the BEST newborns I’ve ever photographed. He was content and sleepy (for some of our session) and oh SO photogenic!

LOOK AT THAT FACE! I just don’t remember Fitzy being so very tiny! It goes so so so fast!

OH MY HEART!

OH SO SWEET!

Thank you SO much for having me into your home! I can’t wait to watch him grow!

Baby *E* made his debut on Fitzy’s 8 month birthday! He is one of the five certain miracles we had been praying for – the third one to show his beautiful face!

He is tiny and sweet – such a little miracle!

OH MY HEART!

I can’t even remember Fitzy being that tiny! They are just so perfect!

Melanie – he is BEAUTIFUL! I am so happy for you!

On Thursday – January 19th – Fitzy turned 38 weeks old!

38 weeks is the last picture I have since we had Fitzy before our week 39 picture could happen!

Here is a comparison at 38 weeks in and 38 weeks out!

He is such a happy – lovey – joyous – smart baby!

He can crawl – pull himself up to standing – wave – scowl – and loves to give hugs!

I cannot believe that as I sit here and type this – we have another little one on the way! Absolutely crazy!

I cannot wait to have a belly and to feel Fitzy’s little brother or sister move around! I LOVE LOVE LOVE being pregnant!

Some – if not all of you – may have noticed that we aren’t friends on FACEBOOK anymore. I deactivated my account – Jared and I both! We plan on a two week hiatus (if not longer)! It’s been a day and Jared and I have talked more – spent more time together – gone to sleep earlier – it’s AMAZING! I know that my barden photography page is also gone – which totally sucks – but it was we needed to do.

I will be updating my blog a little more with some personal stuff – and client photos as usual!

Don’t forget about the . babies . babies . babies . special!

We are overwhelmed! With love and joy and fear and excitement!

I have always been regular with my cycle – within about two days – and since I am crazy organized and scheduled I always keep track.

I was a few days late and again – was on the way to my parents for the weekend and needed to know what to pack. I drove to dollar general – picked up a test – took it and within 30 seconds there was a positive result – CRAZY!

Jared laughed – only to keep from crying!

I texted my sister a picture – called Ronda (if you are friends with me on facebook – you ALL know Ronda) who was VERY excited! Called my mom – who I woke up and she yelled at me – I’M TIRED DANIELLE! And then in the morning she thought it was a dream until she checked her phone! Called my bff Johna who was equally excited – called my brother – whose first response was – WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME SO LATE! Jared called his mom – who was also in bed and a little drowsy. We always say – we won’t tell many people – then we tell OODLES! I just can’t help it! My sister called me back saying – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – AND HER NAME IS SAMANTHA – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL!!!

You guys have been with us since losing Enoch and struggling to get pregnant and watching Fitzy be born – I can’t NOT share it with you. If something were to go wrong I would blog about it anyway – so why not get all the prayers we can! And it’s just such a joyful (and SCARY) time! We have to share!

I had to email my September and October brides first before announcing – and everyone that has responded so far has been so kind and understanding! I HATE HATE HATE to cancel on people – and the reality is – I could probably suck it up and do a few of the weddings a week or two out from my due date – BUT – I was early with Fitzy – can you imagine me calling you on the eve of your wedding and telling you I am in labor – good luck finding a photog? So I like to cover my bases and provide my clients with the BEST they can get for their day! And after having Fitzy and doing too much too early (I know – I know – you can say I told you so) I’ve decided to really cut back and focus on my Jesus and my babies and my hubby and my family – I really mean it this time.

I am still planning on taking the month of July off and now the end of August and all of September thru January! Which means that sessions are pretty much booked for the year. If you have an appointment in those months – don’t worry – I will be emailing you soon to figure out the details (most of which will just be keeping the session since so little are scheduled) – and for 2013 I will be limiting my schedule to 1 to 2 weddings a month – depending – and maybe 4 to 5 sessions a month – again depending.

I love love love love LOVE photography and I love love love love LOVE capturing moments for you! But the bottom line is – I love love love love LOVE my family more.

I am so humbled right now. Jesus loves me. I have an amazing husband – a beautiful precious baby boy – a fantastic family – and another sweet little life growing. People have been asking lately if we were gonna have more – I told them that I want more children – but I also want to be happy with just having Fitzy if that is what God plans. I truly did not imagine having more – having the trouble we did with getting pregnant!

Our first appointment – which is just a confirmation is on Friday and then we will go from there! I will keep you all updated! My sister is calling for a girl to be born on September 3rd (her birthday – since a girl will be named Samantha) so we will see if she gets her little fat girl this time around!

That being said – PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for the people that I know – and that you know – that are reading this and hurting. the people who want to be parents so badly that it seems to consume every moment of every day. I’ve been there – and so have some of you – and you know exactly how painful it is. I have more than 25 names on my list right now – please please pray for them.