About 4 or 5 years ago – we were sitting in the Fitz’s living room at Christmas and Christy starts telling me about her friend Rachel. Rachel was a school teacher but she loved photography. She took a leap of faith and started her own business and it was really starting to take off! Christy brought up her website and we browsed the amazing photos! I remember the newborns being BREATHTAKING!

Jared said – hey didn’t I walk down the aisle with her at your wedding – indeed he had! From that moment on I bookmarked her blog and have been reading ever since. When KT lived with us for that semester in college – we would look at Rachel’s blog every day and I would say – someday KT – someday I wanna have a business like Rachel – I want people to look at my work and feel that same emotion I feel when I look at hers.

Rachel – I can honestly say that though we never met or really corresponded till recently – that YOU encouraged me to quit my job as a secretary and follow my dreams. When I got discouraged I would go to your blog and read your words and see your photos and KNOW that this was my purpose!

You have inspired me and helped me get where I am today – THANK YOU! You have always been true to give God the credit and talk openly about your love for Jesus – thank you for that!

Which was why – when we decided to visit Dave & Christy – I KNEW that we had to book a session with you! I had hoped beyond all hope that we would be pregnant for our session – and look at that – we were! We had a great time with you and just loved getting to meet you and be in front of your camera. You honestly made us feel like we were old friends just playing in a field!

I cannot thank you enough for sharing your talent with us!

Make sure to check out our session on her blog!

I just got the link to our photos last night and I already have an order written out – but I have to look at them AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN just to make sure! THEY ARE AMAZING!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

I have a friend who recently lost her baby at 22 weeks – an experience that I can relate to but not totally understand. We miscarried at 10 weeks – never saw a picture of our little one – never heard a heartbeat – never felt a movement – but knew that he was indeed there. My friend delivered her baby and had him in her arms for a week before saying goodbye. A heartache that I cannot imagine.

I CAN tell this friend that I know of her pain with loss – that I know of her despair and frustration. When she asks why this had to happen to her – I can only tell her that I don’t know – that horrible things happen all the time. But I do know that God can use this experience for good. I don’t believe that God took our Enoch from us – but I do believe that God uses the moments we go through to strengthen us – to teach us – to show us – and the others around us experiencing the same heartache.

Enoch was in my womb for 10 weeks – 10 short weeks – and influenced our lives more than I can ever explain. I have met so many people through facebook or this blog that have gone through loss – going through loss – going through infertility struggles. People that have finally been able to grieve their loss – have a voice about their own heartache – and have hope for the future. If losing Enoch was able to help someone else cope with loss and grief – then it was worth it. I know where my child is – I know that he is in the arms of Jesus – safe and sound. He is free from pain – from sorrow – from heartache. He only knows love and peace. I never have to worry about him being bullied or getting his heart broke. I never have to see tears in his eyes and wonder why I can’t take the pain away. I would love for him to be in our arms – but if he can’t – there is no place I would rather have him.

With Christmas approaching – Enoch is especially missed. While we are blessed with a baby on the way – Christmas is still bittersweet.

There are lots of families out there struggling with the same bittersweetness this season. I have several friends struggling with infertility – some have answers – some are still waiting for answers – all are waiting for a baby in their arms. One of those friends posted this link the other day and I wanted to share it with you – Stepping Stones.

God has been using several situations in my life to teach me lessons. Sympathy for people in pain through my struggle with TMJ. Patience and letting Him have control in waiting to be pregnant. Sensitivity to those struggling with loss and infertility.

Since the beginning of our pregnancy journey – Jared and I have felt that with each phase – you belong to a different club. When we first started trying to get pregnant you connect with the people that are also at that phase – you talk about counting days and holding your breath while you wait for the test to come back. When you do get pregnant and get that test with the two blue lines – your club gets smaller. You and some of the other people that were trying are also pregnant now – part of a new club. You dread telling your friends that are still trying – that are getting negative tests – you try not to avoid them but you don’t want to cause them pain with your joy. Then you miscarry – and the club that you were a part of becomes too painful. It hurts too much to be with the people that were pregnant with you – the ones that are still pregnant and will be holding their babies while you hold your stomach and mourn for what could have been – what should have been. Your friends that are still trying and struggling accept you back into their club – but you are also part of a new club – now with loss in common. You relate to each other – you cry with each other – you hope with each other. You all know that at any second YOU could find out you’re pregnant and be a member of yet another club. Or your close friend can become pregnant – and you are so happy for them yet so heartbroken that it’s not you – why not you? Why do you have to wait yet another month – another year? When you do get pregnant – you are back in the club with your friends that were pregnant and have their 6 month old babies giggling in their arms – and yet part of you aches for the club you left behind again. You know that you are still a part of it – and will always be – but you’ve been there – when your friend tells you she is pregnant and that jealousy and anger runs through your veins – and you can’t look at her without your heart breaking. You know that you are now the cause of that heartache.

Make sure to check out that link I mentioned and say a prayer for the families that are missing their children and waiting for that miracle.

I cannot believe that we are 15 weeks pregnant!

I’ve moved from morning sickness to all day sickness. I’ve had a migraine once every two weeks. I am exhausted. I started noticing stretch marks yesterday! I am so thankful for this miracle growing every day!

I plan on Jared taking two pictures of me every Sunday to document our weekly progress!

That is my mom’s shirt from high school – the most comfortable thing I own!

I love the way I look – not too crazy about the way I feel – but it’s all part of the package that I am so thankful for!

We have another appointment to check progress and what not on Friday. I have a slight problem where my placenta is resting on my cervix so we have to monitor that and check at our 20 week ultrasound to see if it has moved or not. At our US I want to find out what we are having – but we decided to ask the tech to write it on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope to open Christmas morning. We will go over to Jared’s parents and then call my parents, sister, and brother and all open it and find out together!

I went shopping with my sister in tax-free NJ last week and got all the maternity clothes I need! I am trying very hard to NOT buy anything for the baby – but I couldn’t help myself with a few items! I got a cute Thanksgiving onesie that says “I’m stuffed” and a fuzzy winter coat thinger that was too cute and on sale!

We registered for big baby gifts at Burlington Coat Factory with my mom and Aunt Lori. Once we find out what we are having we are gonna go with Jared’s parents to register for some more gifts! I cannot wait to have baby showers! I just can’t wait to share this joy with everyone that has cried, prayed, and hoped with us! I am thinking that I should have one in Athens – one in Troy – one in Mansfield – for facebook friends and blog readers! If anyone knows of any large venues to host a shower like that – let me know!!!

I am so behind on blogging sessions – so I will only blog belly pictures at 20, 25, 30, 35, and 40 weeks – but the weekly pictures will be on facebook!

Thank you again to everyone who reads my blog, supports my photography, and rejoices with us over this miracle!

Today is October 11th – your first birthday!

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you – the difference is that the tears come less and less when I do.

I imagine that you are walking now and getting into all sorts of things in heaven – I wonder if they have child locks?

I think about how different our lives would be if you were here. My day would consist of loving on you and cuddling instead of editing and capturing miracles for everyone else. I wouldn’t have gotten nearly as much sleep as I have. I would be marveling every day at the beauty of life and the miracle of your sweet smile.

Right now your daddy and I are waiting to see your little brother or sister – in 11 days. Something I doubted would happen.

I am so scared. I am so nervous. When we opened our eyes to see you – you were already gone – and it is the only way I know.

I am waiting to see your little sibling and be able to breathe again. We are waiting for your little cousin in February and as much joy as it brings, it brings tears to my eyes to know that you won’t play together – you won’t spend summers at Grammas – you won’t be able to be that bossy oldest cousin – like I was.

But – like I said – the pain of you not being here lessens every day – but that doesn’t mean we don’t love you any less – more actually.

Enoch – I can only imagine your face covered in that first birthday cake – smiling through the sugar. And it makes me cry and so happy to call you mine.

Happy birthday sweet son of mine.

I had an appointment this morning to change my anti-anxiety medication over to something safer throughout pregnancy – but there isn’t any for my situation. My anxiety is brought on by my jaw pain – so my Amitriptyline was more for pain control and anxiety brought on by the pain.

Please pray for me specifically in that area. I have been on that medication for almost 5 years and it has made my life slightly more bearable. The appliance I wear for my jaw helps a GREAT deal – so I am trusting that will remain the case. The fall and spring are hard for me anyway with the change in temperatures.

Our first OB appointment isn’t until October 22nd – which I am not too excited about! I am not letting myself get overly excited until I see our little miracle on an US – but as it is – God has other plans for my faith. I told the nurse our history and my fears about wanting to make sure the baby is okay – and they still kept me at Oct 22nd. – which puts me at 10 weeks and 6 days – which is normal I suppose!

The last few mornings have been tough – and late nights – and I am STARVING all the time. I actually took a 3 hour nap this week – which is not like me at all! I haven’t been editing nearly as much as I should because my office chair and my hips are in an argument at the moment. My head doesn’t like to stay up on it’s own too much without my medication to dull my jaw pain and craziness. Thankfully I set up Jared’s laptop to edit my photos – which is slower than normal – but it’s getting done!

Jared has been awesome – so great with helping me out and letting me rest and understanding that our house is literally a sty. My clients have been so understanding that my normal turn-around time of less than a week is non-existent too! September and October are my busiest months and God is just teaching me that I need to slow down since I am on fast forward all the time!

Thank you again for all your prayers and thoughts! We love all of you and are blessed to call you friends and family!

Our baby at 20 months!

We love him!!

If you didn’t read my WAITING blog – make sure to check that out before you read this – search under the baby barden tab.

Our pastor had met with us in mid-August and told us that God was revealing to them that we needed to open our minds and hearts to having a child in our home that wasn’t ours biologically – then we would have our own children.

Within a week my heart was changing. I had nothing wrong with adoption or foster care – but they just weren’t options for us. I wanted to be pregnant with OUR baby.

I started to think more about foster care but I would never be able to give the babies back – then my heart started changing again. And I realized that if we could be in part of their lives for the time we would NEED to be there – it was better than the alternative – and I would be able to give them back.

I am a VERY stubborn person – so to listen to myself have this huge change of heart was so strange!

On Wednesday – September 1st – I was in the valley for some sessions and my Aunt asked if I could stop over and see if we could take my cousin’s baby home with us for the night. I stopped and packed him up and brought him back home with me for the night. He was so good. He never cried or whined – he laughed and giggled and never stopped smiling. He went to sleep at 10.30 and woke up at 4 – I got him a bottle and changed him and he went right back to sleep. In the morning I gave him a bath and fed him and ran about 15 errands – all the while taking him in and out of the car – and he was so good. I took him back to my aunt’s and swam in the pool and loved him some more.

When I came home on Thursday I felt a peace like I haven’t felt in the past year and a half. I talked with my Gramma on Friday morning and told her that having *B* overnight made me realize that Jared and I are NOT ready for this. We have been married for 6 years and are very comfortable in our lives together. There are lots of things that we have going on and we just aren’t ready – and I am okay with that.

For less than 24 hours I was FINALLY at peace about not having a baby – and then I get a positive test!

I started crying and called Jared – but couldn’t get him to pick up – which is usual for him. I called Johna and cried and laughed and could hardly get the words out!

I tried very hard to NOT get pregnant in August – I have a TEXAS wedding on 5.1.2011 and a wedding on 5.14.2011 and weddings all summer long – we are going to Scotland in July! I have plans – plans that I had control over – or so I thought!

I am still in total and utter shock and so thankful to a good and faithful God.

I had an appointment this afternoon to make sure that I was indeed pregnant and figure out due dates and what not. As of right now – yes we are pregnant. Our due date is mid-May until confirmed with an ultrasound!

Once we figure everything out – I will not be taking any appointments leading up to and after the baby is born – so the whole month of May, June and July – I will be keeping the weddings and appointments I already have though – unless you are a May wedding – then I have already talked with you and we are waiting to figure out what to do!

Once August and September roll around I will only be taking 2 to 3 appointments a week and they will be local to Mansfield (other than that one day that I make trips to the valley for my chiropractor appointments). I have been thinking about this for a while and I will mostly be focusing on seniors, brides, maternity/newborn/infants/kiddos and of course my weddings no more than twice a month. I will only be scheduling sessions after 5.30 once Jared gets home. It’s a very hard decision to make but I have been looking forward to having a little one for so long that I need to enjoy it!

I know that lots of people don’t think we should be announcing so early – last time we did – and when we had our miscarriage – it was hard.

I have shared EVERYTHING with all of you – every struggle – every heartache – every tear and fear. I NEED to share this joy with you all! I NEED all the prayers we can get!

I won’t be sharing much at all over FACEBOOK – it has been so hard to see everyone and their sister on FACEBOOK being pregnant and happy. I have friends that are still struggling with conceiving and I want to be as sensitive as I can be.

It’s still not fair. It’s never fair. It’s not fair that I have this news to share and there are still people struggling out there. It’s not fair that I am so scared about seeing that first US. It’s not fair that the thought of a miscarriage pops into my head.

I am still praying for those of you who are struggling – hurting – and just plain angry. For that particular friend out there – we just had a conversation about all this the other day – I am praying that your heart will change – like mine has started to. I know the stubbornness in accepting what you can’t control – and I struggle with it even now. I want God to speak to me – not thru my MIL or Dave or our pastor – but directly to me. It’s not how it works. I know that there is a baby out there for you and your family. I KNOW it!!

The only thing that has gotten me through this past year and a half – is Jesus – my relationship with God – and if you don’t have one – you should introduce yourself!

I will be blogging updates as often as I have them – thank you SO much for praying for us.

I hate waiting. I really don’t know of anyone who enjoys waiting – except maybe my mother-in-law but she is a crazy exception!

I like to read the end of books before I start them. I would much rather go into a movie knowing the end first. It’s just the type of person I am – and have always been.

I have waited 6 years for barden photography to be what it is today. Here is a little history of the beginnings of barden photography.

In 2003 – my college friend Jeremiah asked me to photograph his wedding. To this day I still haven’t seen the photos. they bought the rolls, I took the pictures, and gave the rolls back to them. It was my first wedding and the only pictures I took for other people that year.

In 2004 – Dave Fitzgerald asked me to photograph his family for Christmas. I gave them the rolls and have only ever seen a few of those photos! It was the only pictures I took for other people that year.

In 2005 – I photographed 2 weddings – both were on film and both were for friends. James & Laura were married in October and I am so thankful they trusted me enough to allow me to capture their day. I made mistakes. I put people out in direct sunlight without thinking about shadows. Belinda & Nate were married in December at the same church and the same reception hall as James & Laura – so it was a little easier! It was a beautiful Christmas wedding! I also took photos for a family for their Christmas cards!

In 2006 – I photographed 6 weddings – most of them were for friends and were for experience. I had 1 engagement session, 1 senior session, and 1 portrait session.

In 2007 – word spread a little more and I photographed 6 weddings. I had 1 engagement session, 7 seniors, and 15 portrait sessions.

In 2008 – it started to get a little crazy. I photographed 10 weddings, 3 engagement sessions, 7 seniors, 26 portrait sessions, and sold 2 of my nature prints. In November of 2008 I started to realize that this could be my full-time job. This could really happen! I prayed and prayed that I would be able to get 24 weddings for 2009 and I would be able to quit my job as a secretary. I would be able to live my dream job!

In 2009 – I had my first BRIDAL EXPO in January and it was INCREDIBLE! I gave a 10 week notice at my job to leave on March 31st of 2009. During those 10 weeks – our friend Dave Fitzgerald called us and wanted to speak to the whole family – Jared, me, Mom and Dad B – he had a word for us. He told me specifically that God had revealed to him that barden photography was going to grow. It was going to get to a point where I would be overwhelmed with inquiries and work. To just wait – and see. For the first year of barden photography – officially – I had 24 weddings, 1 after the wedding session, 14 engagements, 32 seniors, 73 portrait sessions, 10 promotional jobs, 5 sports sessions, sold 1 nature print, and sold 6 gift certificates for family sessions. It wasn’t overwhelming. I didn’t think anything of the conversation we had with Dave earlier in the year.

8 months into 2010 – I’ve had 20 weddings, 1 after session, 2 bridal sessions, 12 engagements, 12 seniors, 78 portrait sessions, 3 promotional jobs, sold 1 nature print and sold 1 gift certificate. I am overwhelmed with inquiries for sessions. I am looking at how many I have scheduled for the rest of the year – and it’s amazing to me! Impossible!

2003. 1 wedding.

2004. 1 session.

2005. 2 weddings. 1 session.

2006. 6 weddings. 3 sessions.

2007. 6 weddings. 23 sessions.

2008. 10 weddings. 38 sessions.

2009. 24 weddings. 142 sessions.

8 months into 2010. 20 weddings. 110 sessions.

I am so thankful for all that God has given me through barden photography over the years – from the very beginning when a friend had faith in me to capture his wedding to the moments right now and the moments many years down the road.

Now we wait again. We wait for a child. I have known from the moment I can remember that I’ve wanted to be a mother. That I was meant to be a mother. 2009 was a year for change. I quit my job – started a new one – we got a puppy – and found out we were going to be parents. We waited for our first appointment and waited more when the image I knew I was supposed to see wasn’t there. We waited for our baby to miscarry – waited to start trying again. Here we are – a year and a half later – still waiting for a miracle. Praying for a baby – our baby.

On March 28th of this year – Jared’s mom was given a word in church. That our children would rise up like mighty oaks. Our children.

On April 11th of this year – Dave called us again with a word for us. We would have children. Lots of them – running around in our yard – jumping on trampolines – and they would be our biological children – they would all look like Jared.

On August 15th of this year – we met with our Pastor – because I am angry, tired, sad, and weary. He told us that God has children for us – our biological children. But first we must open our hearts to the notion of taking in a child that is not ours – biologically.

So we wait and pray.

Because we are all waiting – for something.

For a new job – a spouse – a baby – a moment alone – a day without worrying about your weight – a friend – and for Jesus to come back.

SO PEACEFUL!!

I have a new haircut and color. I have a new tattoo. I needed some new pictures! My Aunt L took these after my July 10th wedding – LOVE her!

Thanks so much Aunt L – we have to do it again soon!