I usually HATE vday – and still pretty much do – BUT this card was too cute to pass up – for FREE!

Stationery card

View the entire collection of cards.

I made the decision to take time off this fall with our new baby on the way. Now that little JC is hanging out with the big JC – that decision needs to be re-evaluated. I know that fall is one of my busiest times – I can book a lot of weddings and seniors.

I also know that this little guy is growing up way too fast. If for some reason – and even if not – Fitzy is our only child here on earth – I want to spend every moment I can with him. I want to take him to the pumpkin farm and play in the leaves. I want to watch my boys play baseball in the yard on a Saturday. I want to enjoy time with our friends and family.

That being said – with the exception of a few weddings that I am taking back on since our sad news – I will still be taking the months of July and September through at least January off. I will keep the few appointments that I already have scheduled BUT I will take new maternity and babies clients who want my . babies . babies . babies . package! And most likely a handful or two of seniors.

I am sad about this decision – I love love love LOVE photographing you – but like I said before – I love my family more. And after losing two sweet babies and not knowing how many – if any – God will have in store for our arms here on earth – I want to soak up every bit of Fitzy’s toddlerhood.

I am almost booked for the year already – with this decision. If you want to get in this year – or next – make sure to let me know soon!

Thank you again for your support and love and understanding and awesomeness!

I’m afraid of the dark. I think I always have been. I seriously didn’t go upstairs in our house at night (even with the lights on) until late middle school. LAME!

I’m afraid of bees – not allergic – just crazy afraid. When we were getting off the bus one day – Samm came up behind me and said – look Danielle – a bee! I had just gotten the mail – and SCREAMED! I threw the mail all over the driveway – tossed my backpack in the yard – and may have taken off some clothes in an effort to get the bee away from me. Samm came in the house later – crying from laughing so hard. She had a cotton ball bee in her hand she had made in art class. LOVELY! She loves to tell that story!

I’m afraid of flying – I hate it. When I’m not drugged – I am not a joy to fly with. When we get in the air I start asking questions. Why are we in the air. Why aren’t we falling. How high are we. How much does this thing weigh. What was that bump. How on EARTH are we just flying through the sky in this GIANT plane! AHHHH!

I’ve experienced a new irrational fear since becoming a mom. Well – kind of new. Take some guesses – letting other people drive the car with him in it – sleeping on his belly – leaving him overnight. Nope. None of those.

My irrational fear is letting him eat food. Let me explain a little.

When I was in high school – I went through a period where I couldn’t swallow. Or so I thought. For about 4 months I think – I ate pecan swirls all mushed up – applesauce – yogurt – anything that wouldn’t get stuck in my throat. Crazy right! It’s the way my anxiety comes out. My mom took me to the doctor and there was a real name for it – but it is a psychological thing – in your head. Get over it or your life will SUCK – is what he told me. So my mom had to work with me on learning to chew and swallow and not panic about dying and choking. I don’t know if I’ve written about my OCD and told you the details – a blog post for another time perhaps! But it was really really bad in high school. I measured the distance between my hangers in my closet. I recopied my notes until they were absolutely perfect. Everything on my dresser was at 90 degree angles – Samm would rotate them just to tick me off. It was bad – and how my anxiety shows its head – along with TMJ – and we all know how much that ruined my life for a period – and still does from time to time. So – I KNOW that I HAVE to get over this crazy fear. Or else it will run and ruin my life and Jared’s and Fitzy’s – but it is a legitimate (stirred up the past) fear.

I can deal with the mushy stuff so he doesn’t have chunks to go down his throat. But letting him chew on a bagel or piece of bread – even those puffs. I break them in half. Seriously. I just lied. I break them in thirds. I KNOW – WHAT!! I just gave him a mum mum rice thing the other day and let him eat the whole thing by himself – mostly while having a panic attack. My mom gave him little pieces of food while we were there a few weeks ago. But I couldn’t be in the room. At this rate the poor kid is gonna be drinking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in kindergarten! Johna and I had lunch a while ago and she said – you weirdo – little *M* was chewing on frozen bagels at his age. Ronda gave him bites of a bagel and hamburg bun and I was twitching! I’m just gonna have to drop him off at my moms for the weekend and have her introduce food. And then have her come over every time he needs to eat. Ugh!

Last night we went to our friends house – they have a one year old little guy. Belinda gave Fitzy a whole puff. He was a champ – of course. Little yogurt bites – fine. We watched her little guy at dinner and there were times when he had a rough moment or a bite a little too big – but he figures it out. So I’m making little baby steps.

So seriously – pray for me. I keep my OCD in check – but it’s hard. My desk is arranged a certain way and things are in a certain place and you don’t touch it. It’s the one area that I haven’t given up – because I’ve given up the rest of the house – so I don’t drive Jared crazy (poor guy before we had a baby) and raise Fitzy in a home where he is NEVER allowed to have toys out or be dirty or just feel that he has to be perfect. That feeling of perfection is something Jared and I both put on ourselves when we were younger – which is where most of my OCD perfection is from. And I don’t want my child to EVER feel that way!

What’s your irrational fear?

I took some photos of Fitzy for his weekly updates (right around 9 months) and just had to post them here!

LOOK AT THAT FACE!

That’s the one I got as his 9 month canvas! I love that little face more than you know!

Oh momma – you’re embarrassing me!

Aren’t we done yet?

SERIOUSLY!

Today Fitzy is 40 weeks old. FORTY. I cannot believe how much my life has changed in 40 weeks – I also can’t believe that in 12 short weeks our baby boy will be ONE!

LOOK AT THAT FACE! He is such a happy lovey baby!

That’s his newest favorite face!

He is such a little ham!

Oh Fitzy – I just adore your little face! You can hardly tell that you are so sick and stuffy.

Thankfully we got an antibiotic for his ear infection. He lost two pounds over the weekend since he stopped eating baby food but ate his breakfast like the normal piggy baby he is this morning!

He still gets up twice in the night but hasn’t been having his 4 AM parties – so that’s a plus!

In “new” baby news – I started bleeding a little yesterday and my doctor was awesome and got me right in for an ultrasound and blood work.

Yesterday marked 8 weeks according to my schedule. I’ve seen an 8 week ultrasound – I have a friend who is due right around the time we are and she was spotting and asked me to pray. She sent me the photos of her baby at 8 weeks. At 8 weeks on an ultrasound you can see a heart beating.

We didn’t get a photo yesterday. The tech measured my ovaries and then the gestational sac and the yolk sac. She told me that the blood work would have to confirm. I knew then. Even though I kind of knew something was wrong. With our first baby – I didn’t feel sick. I was exhausted but never sick. With Fitzy I was sick every morning. I haven’t been sick this time. I’ve been overly exhausted but not sick.

Our doctor called and told us the results – which I knew were not good. He said that he can’t tell for SURE but with blood work comparisons on Friday he will know for certain – but more than likely we will miscarry this baby. It looks like a blighted ovum – a type of miscarriage in which the baby either never develops or stops growing at a very early stage in pregnancy and then disintegrates – but a gestational sac does develop and the body does not recognize that the baby is missing. Googled that for you.

Now – it COULD be wrong – but I highly doubt it. Not because I don’t believe that God is still God and still performs miracles. But because I just haven’t felt right – haven’t felt pregnant. I haven’t really attached myself to this baby – it’s hard because once you’ve had a miscarriage you have this fear in the back of your mind that it will happen again. I had it with Fitzy but as soon as I was getting sick I felt better – I wanted to throw up EVERY MORNING if it meant that baby was still there.

Blighted ovum or not – I believe that life starts at the MOMENT of conception – so I believe that Enoch and our little baby (which I like to think would have been a girl – Joy (short for Joyce after my two grandmothers) Christina are in heaven. I believe that we will see them again. They have never felt pain or anger or fear or loss. They have only known the hugs of Jesus and His love and awesomeness.

So – it’s a waiting game to find out the comparative blood tests. Last time it took about a week after our ultrasound to miscarry.

More blogs will be coming once we find out the results and what not. I also plan on being back on facebook Sunday (I HAVE to make it to two weeks) BUT things will be completely different. I will not put up with crap. I will not put up with your insecurities that you blame on me. I will not participate in 13 year old gossip and attitudes.

I truly believe that God has used our miscarriage(s) to help those around us. Please keep praying for the now over 30 women and men on my list that want to hold sweet ones in their arms. You ask what you can do to help. Pray. Pray for me that anger and bitterness and jealousy and judgement don’t take over. I love to capture bellies and babies – but I get very angry when I should have had and don’t. I get bitter. I tend to pass judgement on who really deserves a baby or not. It’s not fair – but life’s not fair. PERIOD. So please pray that for me – cus I get angry about even the closest friends and family members that are pregnant or SEEM to not struggle with their pregnancies. And don’t tell me that at least we lost this “baby” while it wasn’t really a “baby” yet. I can promise you a kick in the neck.

To those of you who TRULY care and love us – thank you! I appreciate you more than you know! To those of you that don’t – I’m praying you can forgive me for whatever wrong I’ve done against you – if you are reading this and you think it’s about you – it most likely is.

9 months. So much happens in 9 months.

You can find out about a tiny life growing inside you and have it burst out with that first breath – in 9 months.

You start school in the fall as a senior and graduate in the summer – suddenly an adult – in 9 months.

You can watch that tiny life that burst out of you grow into a climbing – crawling – babbling – smiling – not so tiny (but still pretty small) baby – in 9 months.

You can fall head over heels in love.

You can watch your entire life change.

You can discover that a hug from your child is the best gift in the world.

You can marvel at God’s love – through the eyes of this little baby.

In 9 months.

Today Fitzy is 39 weeks old – on Saturday he will be 9 months! CRAZINESS!!

LOOK AT THAT FACE! He is such a happy guy! Still not sleeping through the night – nor the greatest – but we are working on it and gaining slowly!

He says dada and whispers kitty cat – which is strange since we don’t have a cat. He loves his “toes – ears – nose” learning book – we probably read it 20 times a day!

Yesterday marked 7 weeks pregnant with our newest little baby! I am still in shock and waiting for more symptoms to show up – but each pregnancy is different (so they say) – and I do feel pretty awful in the evenings this time around.

We’ve been off facebook since Saturday morning – and I will admit I do miss it. BUT – I was/am seriously addicted and needed to get my face out of the computer and spend time with this little growing guy and my hubby and my house and my laundry. We plan on a two week hiatus but I am hoping to stay off (dare I say it) forever! I will always keep blogging about our life and my clients and their beautiful faces! I will always email a sneak peek to my clients that they can upload to facebook – but I am so sick of the drama.

I’m sick of other photographers messaging be and blaming me for their problems. I’m sick of asking for forgiveness and people using facebook as a means of throwing it back in my face. I’m sick of writing a status and people being offended thinking it’s about them. I’m sick of seeing a status update and assuming it’s about me. I’m sick of liking a video or comment and getting crap from people who think it’s offensive. I’m sick of people assuming the worst about where I spend my time. I’m sick of family members who can’t grow up and tell me what their problem is. So – I’m done! If I can convince Jared to stay off too – then we won’t be back.

PS – don’t forget about that . babies . babies . babies . special! And don’t forget to keep up with my hubbie!

On Thursday – January 19th – Fitzy turned 38 weeks old!

38 weeks is the last picture I have since we had Fitzy before our week 39 picture could happen!

Here is a comparison at 38 weeks in and 38 weeks out!

He is such a happy – lovey – joyous – smart baby!

He can crawl – pull himself up to standing – wave – scowl – and loves to give hugs!

I cannot believe that as I sit here and type this – we have another little one on the way! Absolutely crazy!

I cannot wait to have a belly and to feel Fitzy’s little brother or sister move around! I LOVE LOVE LOVE being pregnant!

Some – if not all of you – may have noticed that we aren’t friends on FACEBOOK anymore. I deactivated my account – Jared and I both! We plan on a two week hiatus (if not longer)! It’s been a day and Jared and I have talked more – spent more time together – gone to sleep earlier – it’s AMAZING! I know that my barden photography page is also gone – which totally sucks – but it was we needed to do.

I will be updating my blog a little more with some personal stuff – and client photos as usual!

Don’t forget about the . babies . babies . babies . special!

We are overwhelmed! With love and joy and fear and excitement!

I have always been regular with my cycle – within about two days – and since I am crazy organized and scheduled I always keep track.

I was a few days late and again – was on the way to my parents for the weekend and needed to know what to pack. I drove to dollar general – picked up a test – took it and within 30 seconds there was a positive result – CRAZY!

Jared laughed – only to keep from crying!

I texted my sister a picture – called Ronda (if you are friends with me on facebook – you ALL know Ronda) who was VERY excited! Called my mom – who I woke up and she yelled at me – I’M TIRED DANIELLE! And then in the morning she thought it was a dream until she checked her phone! Called my bff Johna who was equally excited – called my brother – whose first response was – WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME SO LATE! Jared called his mom – who was also in bed and a little drowsy. We always say – we won’t tell many people – then we tell OODLES! I just can’t help it! My sister called me back saying – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – AND HER NAME IS SAMANTHA – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL!!!

You guys have been with us since losing Enoch and struggling to get pregnant and watching Fitzy be born – I can’t NOT share it with you. If something were to go wrong I would blog about it anyway – so why not get all the prayers we can! And it’s just such a joyful (and SCARY) time! We have to share!

I had to email my September and October brides first before announcing – and everyone that has responded so far has been so kind and understanding! I HATE HATE HATE to cancel on people – and the reality is – I could probably suck it up and do a few of the weddings a week or two out from my due date – BUT – I was early with Fitzy – can you imagine me calling you on the eve of your wedding and telling you I am in labor – good luck finding a photog? So I like to cover my bases and provide my clients with the BEST they can get for their day! And after having Fitzy and doing too much too early (I know – I know – you can say I told you so) I’ve decided to really cut back and focus on my Jesus and my babies and my hubby and my family – I really mean it this time.

I am still planning on taking the month of July off and now the end of August and all of September thru January! Which means that sessions are pretty much booked for the year. If you have an appointment in those months – don’t worry – I will be emailing you soon to figure out the details (most of which will just be keeping the session since so little are scheduled) – and for 2013 I will be limiting my schedule to 1 to 2 weddings a month – depending – and maybe 4 to 5 sessions a month – again depending.

I love love love love LOVE photography and I love love love love LOVE capturing moments for you! But the bottom line is – I love love love love LOVE my family more.

I am so humbled right now. Jesus loves me. I have an amazing husband – a beautiful precious baby boy – a fantastic family – and another sweet little life growing. People have been asking lately if we were gonna have more – I told them that I want more children – but I also want to be happy with just having Fitzy if that is what God plans. I truly did not imagine having more – having the trouble we did with getting pregnant!

Our first appointment – which is just a confirmation is on Friday and then we will go from there! I will keep you all updated! My sister is calling for a girl to be born on September 3rd (her birthday – since a girl will be named Samantha) so we will see if she gets her little fat girl this time around!

That being said – PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for the people that I know – and that you know – that are reading this and hurting. the people who want to be parents so badly that it seems to consume every moment of every day. I’ve been there – and so have some of you – and you know exactly how painful it is. I have more than 25 names on my list right now – please please pray for them.