“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” – Westly to Buttercup in The Princess Bride – one of my favorite lines ever.
My biggest obstacle in all this is accepting – plain and simple – that life’s not fair. It’s really hard to get over – especially this time.
People ask all the time – oh you only have one child – you HAVE to have more – you know that right? When are you gonna have more?
What I would like to say is this – if it were only that easy. I would love to just decide to get pregnant this month and BAM! – it happens. But it doesn’t work that way – at least not for us. Maybe for you – maybe for people you know. But not us.
What I’ve been saying is this – well – we’ve had three miscarriages – two since Fitzy was born – so I have no idea. It’s uncomfortable. It’s weird. But I don’t know what else to say without being very sarcastic and mean.
Jealousy is the big thing right now. I am so angry and jealous at anyone who has more than one baby – even some that have “just” one. I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for some and so “easy” for others – i say “easy” because I’ve been accused of not knowing the situation and jumping to conclusions that it was “easy” for someone. In my parents case – my dad pretty much just had to look at my mom and she got pregnant. No scary pregnancies. No longing for a child. No wondering if it would all be okay. So for some people – I know it’s easy. And that makes me so jealous. Why us?
Right now – I prefer to just stay at home and not be out. Not have to answer the hard questions – not on my part – I don’t care. But people get uncomfortable. Thankfully I have friends that make sure I see them and stop by – unannounced even.
Last week I wanted to just have surgery. Make it so that we can’t get pregnant anymore – so we don’t experience this heartache anymore. There is still part of me that thinks we should. But it’s an emotional response and one I just ultimately can’t do. In a year we will look at our lives and see where we are. Pray that God would maybe sorta kinda reveal a little bit of His plan for our lives and what we should be doing – what He has for us.
But life is pain. It’s gonna happen and it’s gonna happen over and over – maybe not the same pain – but pain nonetheless.
So I enjoy my beautifully painful life. Sometimes it’s hard – but I will. I enjoy this baby that God has blessed us with and the time we have with just him.
Thank you so much for praying – for texting – for messaging – for loving.
Please remember to pray for those I know – you know – the people you don’t know – that desire to be parents. Pray that God would calm their hearts and answer their prayers – with a YES – because while I sometimes think prayer is useless – sometimes I don’t.
