Our friends Darrin & Krista moved away several years ago – we miss them! We shared the same love of television and Krista LOVES to cook while I LOVE to buy things to cook!
They were visiting family in August and stopped up so our baby boys could meet! They are only 5 days apart!
HOW CUTE ARE THEY!
It was SO good to see you guys!
I posted earlier about my friend Jen – from college. It’s so exciting to reconnect with old friends!
We got together a while ago – after their session – and I had to snap just a few more of her sweet family!
SWEETEST!
I LOVE that last shot of you guys!
I can’t wait for the next time we get together!
“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” – Westly to Buttercup in The Princess Bride – one of my favorite lines ever.
My biggest obstacle in all this is accepting – plain and simple – that life’s not fair. It’s really hard to get over – especially this time.
People ask all the time – oh you only have one child – you HAVE to have more – you know that right? When are you gonna have more?
What I would like to say is this – if it were only that easy. I would love to just decide to get pregnant this month and BAM! – it happens. But it doesn’t work that way – at least not for us. Maybe for you – maybe for people you know. But not us.
What I’ve been saying is this – well – we’ve had three miscarriages – two since Fitzy was born – so I have no idea. It’s uncomfortable. It’s weird. But I don’t know what else to say without being very sarcastic and mean.
Jealousy is the big thing right now. I am so angry and jealous at anyone who has more than one baby – even some that have “just” one. I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for some and so “easy” for others – i say “easy” because I’ve been accused of not knowing the situation and jumping to conclusions that it was “easy” for someone. In my parents case – my dad pretty much just had to look at my mom and she got pregnant. No scary pregnancies. No longing for a child. No wondering if it would all be okay. So for some people – I know it’s easy. And that makes me so jealous. Why us?
Right now – I prefer to just stay at home and not be out. Not have to answer the hard questions – not on my part – I don’t care. But people get uncomfortable. Thankfully I have friends that make sure I see them and stop by – unannounced even.
Last week I wanted to just have surgery. Make it so that we can’t get pregnant anymore – so we don’t experience this heartache anymore. There is still part of me that thinks we should. But it’s an emotional response and one I just ultimately can’t do. In a year we will look at our lives and see where we are. Pray that God would maybe sorta kinda reveal a little bit of His plan for our lives and what we should be doing – what He has for us.
But life is pain. It’s gonna happen and it’s gonna happen over and over – maybe not the same pain – but pain nonetheless.
So I enjoy my beautifully painful life. Sometimes it’s hard – but I will. I enjoy this baby that God has blessed us with and the time we have with just him.
Thank you so much for praying – for texting – for messaging – for loving.
Please remember to pray for those I know – you know – the people you don’t know – that desire to be parents. Pray that God would calm their hearts and answer their prayers – with a YES – because while I sometimes think prayer is useless – sometimes I don’t.
OH MY WORD!
I can’t even describe how excited I was to shoot this session!
Jen is my friend from college that I haven’t seen in YEARS. Out of the blue she emails me and we set up a session at my parents with her sweet little guy!
OH MY HEART! He is such a sweet boy and looks so much like his momma!
I LOVE those shots!
My parents have an abundance of animals at the farm – *C* was really interested in the cows!
It started to sprinkle – then POUR – so we ran into my parents greenhouse!
Then the porch for some bubbles!
Jen and *C* ran out in the rain – LOVE these last shots!
Jen – I am SO happy that you emailed me and SO happy that you are SO happy!
I’m so excited to reconnect with you!
Before you read this devotional from Ron Hutchcraft – make sure you read the blog I wrote last night.
And then imagine my face when I opened this in my email this morning.
WAITING FOR THE BABY
RON HUTCHCRAFT – A WORD WITH YOU
FRIDAY – AUGUST 10, 2012
Someone said the best cure for the population explosion would be if men had to have every other baby. That would slow it down considerably! I’ll tell you, there’s something that women know about that process, though, that leads to life. A woman, particularly in her first pregnancy, is introduced to a long, sometimes very difficult life process. She knows she wants the baby; there’s no question about the results, but it’s the process she has some questions about sometimes: nausea, discomfort, her body’s doing things it never did before. And the months sometimes feel like years. And last but not least, there are the labor pains. That day alone can seem like one of the longest in her life. But then…then the baby comes.
You know, a lot of life is like child bearing. A long, sometimes unpleasant process is often the only route to the joyful result you want.
I’m Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A Word With You today about “Waiting For the Baby.”
Now, our word for today from the Word of God is found in John 16; it’s about that motherhood experience, and I’m reading from verse 21. Jesus said, “A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come. But when her baby is born, she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.” She was waiting for the baby, the process was painful, long, and difficult, but the baby came and erased all the bad memories of the process. A painful process that leads to a glorious result.
Now, what’s the uh… baby in your life right now? I don’t mean some little infant, but for you, maybe it’s the goal you’ve been striving for, the dream you’ve hoped would happen and you thought would happen, the outcome you’ve been praying for – you’ve been believing God for. Maybe it’s an outcome for one of your children, or a dream related to your career, something you’ve prayed for in your ministry, or your marriage. Maybe it’s a financial recovery that you’ve been counting on happening and trusting God for, or a physical recovery; an answer to some fervent prayer; a cry from your heart. But it’s taking so long, just like a baby.
It’s causing so much pain; you didn’t know it would be this tough, just like a baby. It’s causing things to happen to your feelings, and to your life that you never counted on, just like a baby. The process that will get you to that result has caused you to lose sight of that result that you were hoping for. Maybe you’re questioning whether or not it will ever happen. You’ve prayed for it, but you’ve got doubts now.
Well, I’m going to tell you today, “Hang in there!” Jesus was saying to His disciples, “You’re going to go through some times when the process is going to be so difficult, so long, you’ll despair that the result will ever happen. Hang in there, guys! Remember, the God of the outcome is also the God of the process. You’re trusting Him for the result. Well, can you trust Him for the process even though it’s difficult; even though it’s longer than you thought? Trust the processes of God, not just the results. He’s working through this process right now.
And as confusing as it may seem to you, He’s trying to prepare you, to prepare others, and to do it in a way that will call everyone’s attention to His love and power. When the baby comes, there’ll be no question that God gets the glory for it.
That means that sometimes it even has to get worse before it gets better. Just ask any woman who has been through labor. The process is difficult but right on schedule. And when that baby comes, well it will make the process worth it all.
I’m the oldest of three. I have a sister and a brother. Growing up – someone was ALWAYS left out – usually me or Derek. I always said that I would never have an odd number of children – cus someone is always left out!
When Jared and I were first dating – I made some smart remark about how I would NEVER have an only child. His mom – who is sweeter than candy – set me straight. She said – oh we wanted more – and tried – but God only gave us Jared. I was quick to not make that remark again.
You never know what people are going through. You don’t know the story behind their lives. But the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. No matter what.
I’ve always wanted 4 kids. I even had names – of course it would have been 2 boys (Christopher William and Andrew Scott) and 2 girls (Bailey Russell and Sierra Alexis) – yea – I totally remember. But I was totally gonna start having them RIGHT after high school – with my husband that I met in high school. Right. That happened. After having Fitzy – I rethought my 4 kids plan. Dude – it’s hard work. FOUR? All by myself during the day. Heck. That’s crazy! And I am starting at 30 and not 18 like I planned. So in my current reality – 2 is a great number for us. But in my dream world of being a mom at 18 and done at 24 with 4 kids – heavenly!
I realized today as the doctor told me there was no heartbeat for our little baby – our number four – that I am a momma of 4. I’m just gonna have to wait till heaven to meet the other 3.
Here’s the thing. I’m tired. We are tired. I’m broken. I feel defeated.
INSERT WARNING – if you don’t want to hear me whine a little (or a lot) stop reading. If you don’t wanna hear me say that I am doubting a few things – stop reading. If you insist on telling me that God does have a plan for my life and He IS in control – I KNOW THAT – stop reading. This blog entry isn’t gonna be about soft kittens that poop rainbows. It’s gonna be about raw hurt and emotions. So if you can’t handle that – seriously. Stop reading.
Anyway – I feel defeated. Like I said in my previous post. It’s not fair. I’m sad. It’s not fair that we don’t get to enjoy pregnancy. It’s not fair that I’m always wondering in the back of my mind if something is wrong. It’s exhausting. I see my friends have baby after baby and talk about how babies are fruit of the womb and gifts from God. Why are our babies being taken away? Am I doing something wrong? Cus then I get all judgmental and think – well I know what this chick does in her free time and she’s got 5 or 6. How on earth does God’s plan include losing babies – what good is that gonna give me? Like I said – I know that His plan is perfect and wonderful. But tell me how THIS is perfect and wonderful. And yes – I know that we can’t see it. But you can’t tell me that you don’t want to? That you don’t want to know?
Why is it that 2012 has already SUCKED bad enough and now this? We started out the year losing a baby – which would have been born next month – and in that span have already lost another? Why is it that we can’t sell our house? Why did we have to go through the roughest patch in our marriage? We could have bought – but we didn’t. It would have been foolish – so we listened to God. And here we are – still stuck. We forgave and loved – to be welcomed by this hurt? I know – I know – WOE IS ME. Yes. I have a BEAUTIFUL baby boy – an absolute miracle (which if I never thought he was – I sure do now). I have a great husband who loves me and cries with me and puts up with me and puts up with me – did I say that? I have a family who is awesome – a roof over my head – a great job that I’m great at.
BUT – dang it – I’m mad. And sad. And angry. And jealous. And forgotten. Have you ever felt forgotten? If you are a girl and you were a teenager at some point – I KNOW you have. I just feel shoved to the side. I feel like I am watching all these people around me – revel in their blessings and happiness and here we are – barely hanging on.
I don’t doubt that God loves me. I don’t doubt for one SECOND that Jesus died for me (and you). There are a few things I’m unsure of – but I just don’t know if this is the place. I’ve got enough stuff going on right now. And I don’t doubt His plan for our lives. I’m just not sure what the WHAT He’s thinking.
When we lost Enoch in 2009 – it started a connection with people I would have never met. That was beautiful and I now see the beauty from pain. But couldn’t it have happened another way? Did I have to lose a baby for those connections to happen?
What the heck – I’m just gonna say it. Sometimes – I think it’s useless to pray. I’ll get crap for that one – don’t worry. But I’m serious. Here’s the thing. People – LOTS of people prayed for our little baby this week – prayed for a MIRACLE. And it didn’t happen. Our little babe didn’t hold on and beat the odds – despite HOURS of praying.
In 2011 – I prayed for 5 certain families to get pregnant and have babies. All 5 of them did. Within two months of each other. I just looked up the meanings of their names – this is crazy.
A – fiery. C – from the heavens. E – the Lord is my God. J – fire of the Lord. E – the Lord is my God. See the similarities? I don’t believe in coincidences.
Did my praying aid in all that? I’m not saying – oh look at me – I’m magical and have a special connection with God – cus He totally answered my prayer and then blew my mind about it. But guess what – I am His child and I do have a relationship with Him – and in that – the power of Jesus. So if you give me this situation – I would argue that prayer KICKS BUTT.
Why not in ours? Why are we grieving. Again. Why have 3 out of my 4 babies been taken to heaven? With other miscarriages – I was so thankful that I never had to see a baby on a screen and see a heart beat and then say goodbye. Why did that happen this time? Why did I have to see that sweet one and see it’s heart beat only to find out that it’s not meant to be?
Ugh. So many emotions. I could type all night.
I leave you with this. Jared and I had agreed before we got pregnant this time that the next time would be the last. We couldn’t go through another miscarriage. Just couldn’t – and here we are. Going through it. I can’t do this again. I feel like – I can take a hint. It’s not working. I asked for a baby. God – please give me a baby. And I have one. He is gorgeous and amazing. When we were trying for 18 months – I was MISERABLE. I was angry and preoccupied. Babies were ALL I thought about. I buried myself in my work. I don’t want to be that person again. I have a sweet boy to love and enjoy and I don’t want to miss out on that because I’m so consumed with wanting another baby. Our doctor asked if I wanted to be referred to the fertility specialists in Danville – cus now they can say something is obviously wrong that I can’t carry a baby past 8 weeks. Even though I did. Once. So please pray for our happiness. That I would be happy in knowing that Fitzy is our only one. I want to be happy in that and enjoy this miracle we were blessed with. While we wait to see the other 3.
Jared and Jaime grew up together and we are blessed to be good friends with their family!
Jaime and Travis were blessed with their third sweet miracle two months after we had Fitzy – it’ll be fun to have them grow up together!
Little *L* was having some moments – but I clicked anyway – they turned out to be too good to miss!
*G* is such a sweet girl!
*L* did NOT want to stay in this crib – but he warmed up quick!
OH MY HEART!!!
Jaime – thank you SO much for asking me to capture this BEAUTIFUL time for you! We love you guys!
Nicole has become such a good friend in the 2 years I’ve known her as a client! 2 years – CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!
I very rarely get smiling pictures of *E* – so I LOVE these ones!
Those might be my FAVORITE shots EVER of *E*!
Dustin & Nicole – we love you guys SO much!
Our dear friend Josh married his bride in April – in Charlotte!
My parents kept Fitzy while Jared and I splurged and stayed at The Westin!
I very rarely get to go to a wedding as a guest – so it was a welcome break – but I HAD to bring my camera – just for a few shots!
I LOVE THAT SHOT – but I couldn’t decide which one – so you get both!
Dana – you looked GORGEOUS! We are so happy for you both!
*B* and Jared went to high school together. I worked for her dad straight out of college as a secretary. When we met – we hit it off right away!
My sister and I went to visit *B* and her ever expanding family in April – such sweeties!!
*R* – she is such a little momma – just like I was!
*M* on the left – she is a crazy spirit – just like my sister – and *B* herself – which is why my sister and *B* hit it off even better than we did!
The twins were born mega early but are doing so awesome!
Little *W* – he is such a button!!
Little *N* – she is so precious!!
*B* – thank you so much for having us!!
We love you guys!!!
