How can I be so absolutely sad for me yet so completely happy for you?

I’ve written about it before – when you want NOTHING more than to hold a child in your arms – you’ve lost a baby and you are trying SO HARD to have another. And then someone you love – your dear friend or your sister – tell you they are expecting. The first emotion for me is absolute rage and jealousy. Yes – rage. How dare you tell me that you are expecting. Don’t you know what I’m going through? Don’t you know that I want to be the one with the great news to tell? You know you have happiness in your now very dark brown – almost black heart – for them – but you really don’t want to look for it. So you hug them or tell them congrats. Then you walk away and you cry and you scream. And you ask God why them and not me. Why aren’t they experiencing this heartache – not that I would EVER want them to – but why?

Looking back on it – I’ve lost a couple good friendships because I couldn’t answer that question. I couldn’t watch them grow and be excited about their baby when every month my test was negative. Again. I couldn’t bear when they hugged me and told me it would happen – in God’s time. Because in the meantime I had to watch God’s timing unfold in their life right before my eyes. While I waited. And waited. And waited.

In 2010 I had a giant falling out with a VERY dear friend. What happened doesn’t matter now – but what happened on top of the issue – was that she told me she was pregnant. Their due date was in October. About 10 days after what would have been our little guy’s first birthday. I remember those emotions reading her email. I was SO FURIOUS. I literally saw red. I called my dear aunt L and sobbed to her. It’s not fair. After all THIS and THEN I find out she’s pregnant! I was honestly more upset about the pregnant part than the other. I missed out on her pregnancy – the birth of her sweet one – and the first year of that little girl’s life. Because I couldn’t bear to see her pregnant and not me.

Another friend announced her pregnancy RIGHT after we lost Enoch – it was so fresh and so painful. We wanted to be pregnant together and the simple solution was to try again. We tried. And tried. And tried. And nothing. Again – I couldn’t bear to watch this friend enjoy this beautiful miracle while I wanted it – craved it – so badly. We are still friends now – but not nearly as close as we once were.

There are at least TEN other women I know who announced their pregnancies right around mine. It will be hard. It will be unfair. It will suck. Please know that when I’m not commenting on your photos or updates – it’s because I have to hide you on fbook. I can’t see the weekly updates. I get so angry and jealous. I question again – WHY US – AGAIN. It’s not you. It’s me.

My brother and his wife are having another baby in early April. Why can’t we join them in the happy pregnancies and welcoming of babies! It’s a horrible feeling to have – especially against your brother. An insane jealousy. A complete unfairness.

EVEN THOUGH – I am SO HAPPY for them – all of them. So happy that their hearts will grow a little more for this baby joining their lives! Happy that their arms are full of a smiling – sweet smelling – miracle! Happy that their prayers have been answered.

How can you be equally happy and so sad at the same time? It’s so possible. I’ve been there. I am there again. I am there EVERY TIME I look at my list of names and pray.

How can you get through?

Jesus. Forgiveness. Love. Prayer. Honesty. Hugs. Prayer. Tears. Prayer. Jesus. Forgiveness. You get it.

My brother and his wife are awesome. They know I am so happy for them and sad for me. They are sad about their niece or nephew they don’t get to hold. They know that when I can’t talk to them it isn’t personal – it’s just a hard day.

The first friend I talked about – I feel like it’s been 10 years since we’ve talked – or seen each other – it’s “only” been two years – two years too long. But SOMETIMES the heart needs time to heal – most of the time actually. We have both grown so much in 2 years. I have learned so much and Jesus has been hugging me and loving on me and showing me forgiveness. He has answered my prayer. For a baby. For a sweet beautiful wonderful amazing (sleepless) child. In His time – you have to know how much I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT TO ME. HATE. But – it’s true. Yuck. Jesus has forgiven me for my anger and my rage and my jealousy and my judging. And continues to forgive me cus I continue to feel that way.

This friend and I are now talking – we forgive and are forgiven. I miss her DEARLY. I am thankful for her forgiveness and willingness to make a new start.

Start this process with someone today – I know from experience that the worst that can happen is someone can tell you it isn’t genuine and to never speak to them again. It sucks. Or they can be a family member – and you try to ask what you’ve done wrong – can we fix this. And they totally ignore you. But YOU made the effort – you sought forgiveness. You apologized – genuinely. But the best that can happen is that you have a friendship again with someone you loved. Dearly.

I’ve made the BEST OF on onewed.com for 2008 – 2009 – 2010 – and 2011!

The 2011 award was changed a little this year – to a golden feather 2012 award – still AWESOME!

Thank you SO much to ALL my brides and grooms! Thanks for the reviews and for trusting me with your day! I LOVE YOU!

I made the decision to take time off this fall with our new baby on the way. Now that little JC is hanging out with the big JC – that decision needs to be re-evaluated. I know that fall is one of my busiest times – I can book a lot of weddings and seniors.

I also know that this little guy is growing up way too fast. If for some reason – and even if not – Fitzy is our only child here on earth – I want to spend every moment I can with him. I want to take him to the pumpkin farm and play in the leaves. I want to watch my boys play baseball in the yard on a Saturday. I want to enjoy time with our friends and family.

That being said – with the exception of a few weddings that I am taking back on since our sad news – I will still be taking the months of July and September through at least January off. I will keep the few appointments that I already have scheduled BUT I will take new maternity and babies clients who want my . babies . babies . babies . package! And most likely a handful or two of seniors.

I am sad about this decision – I love love love LOVE photographing you – but like I said before – I love my family more. And after losing two sweet babies and not knowing how many – if any – God will have in store for our arms here on earth – I want to soak up every bit of Fitzy’s toddlerhood.

I am almost booked for the year already – with this decision. If you want to get in this year – or next – make sure to let me know soon!

Thank you again for your support and love and understanding and awesomeness!

I’m afraid of the dark. I think I always have been. I seriously didn’t go upstairs in our house at night (even with the lights on) until late middle school. LAME!

I’m afraid of bees – not allergic – just crazy afraid. When we were getting off the bus one day – Samm came up behind me and said – look Danielle – a bee! I had just gotten the mail – and SCREAMED! I threw the mail all over the driveway – tossed my backpack in the yard – and may have taken off some clothes in an effort to get the bee away from me. Samm came in the house later – crying from laughing so hard. She had a cotton ball bee in her hand she had made in art class. LOVELY! She loves to tell that story!

I’m afraid of flying – I hate it. When I’m not drugged – I am not a joy to fly with. When we get in the air I start asking questions. Why are we in the air. Why aren’t we falling. How high are we. How much does this thing weigh. What was that bump. How on EARTH are we just flying through the sky in this GIANT plane! AHHHH!

I’ve experienced a new irrational fear since becoming a mom. Well – kind of new. Take some guesses – letting other people drive the car with him in it – sleeping on his belly – leaving him overnight. Nope. None of those.

My irrational fear is letting him eat food. Let me explain a little.

When I was in high school – I went through a period where I couldn’t swallow. Or so I thought. For about 4 months I think – I ate pecan swirls all mushed up – applesauce – yogurt – anything that wouldn’t get stuck in my throat. Crazy right! It’s the way my anxiety comes out. My mom took me to the doctor and there was a real name for it – but it is a psychological thing – in your head. Get over it or your life will SUCK – is what he told me. So my mom had to work with me on learning to chew and swallow and not panic about dying and choking. I don’t know if I’ve written about my OCD and told you the details – a blog post for another time perhaps! But it was really really bad in high school. I measured the distance between my hangers in my closet. I recopied my notes until they were absolutely perfect. Everything on my dresser was at 90 degree angles – Samm would rotate them just to tick me off. It was bad – and how my anxiety shows its head – along with TMJ – and we all know how much that ruined my life for a period – and still does from time to time. So – I KNOW that I HAVE to get over this crazy fear. Or else it will run and ruin my life and Jared’s and Fitzy’s – but it is a legitimate (stirred up the past) fear.

I can deal with the mushy stuff so he doesn’t have chunks to go down his throat. But letting him chew on a bagel or piece of bread – even those puffs. I break them in half. Seriously. I just lied. I break them in thirds. I KNOW – WHAT!! I just gave him a mum mum rice thing the other day and let him eat the whole thing by himself – mostly while having a panic attack. My mom gave him little pieces of food while we were there a few weeks ago. But I couldn’t be in the room. At this rate the poor kid is gonna be drinking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in kindergarten! Johna and I had lunch a while ago and she said – you weirdo – little *M* was chewing on frozen bagels at his age. Ronda gave him bites of a bagel and hamburg bun and I was twitching! I’m just gonna have to drop him off at my moms for the weekend and have her introduce food. And then have her come over every time he needs to eat. Ugh!

Last night we went to our friends house – they have a one year old little guy. Belinda gave Fitzy a whole puff. He was a champ – of course. Little yogurt bites – fine. We watched her little guy at dinner and there were times when he had a rough moment or a bite a little too big – but he figures it out. So I’m making little baby steps.

So seriously – pray for me. I keep my OCD in check – but it’s hard. My desk is arranged a certain way and things are in a certain place and you don’t touch it. It’s the one area that I haven’t given up – because I’ve given up the rest of the house – so I don’t drive Jared crazy (poor guy before we had a baby) and raise Fitzy in a home where he is NEVER allowed to have toys out or be dirty or just feel that he has to be perfect. That feeling of perfection is something Jared and I both put on ourselves when we were younger – which is where most of my OCD perfection is from. And I don’t want my child to EVER feel that way!

What’s your irrational fear?

Criticism. We all hear it. We all give it. Can we take as much as we give? Are you giving more than you are getting? When you criticize – what’s your goal – to help or to hurt? When you receive it – do you feel it’s to help or to hurt?

I seriously like to think that I receive it well. I know my strengths and I know my faults. And sometimes I don’t.

I have awesome people in my life. People who let me know where I need to improve – when I need to make changes.

Jared and I can be open and honest with each other – he takes it better than I do – sometimes. He usually knows WHEN to say something to me – just the right mood to catch me in! I tend to hand it out all the time – even in the most inappropriate times – which is why that sometimes is thrown in there.

For example – I know that I am not the best photographer out there and have LOTS to learn. When a photographer I admire and respect offers to help me out – give me a few pointers – I truly take it to heart. I appreciate the constructive criticism. When your complaint about my photography is that you don’t like me – forget it. If you don’t like my style – fine. That’s why there are several other AWESOME photographers in our area – that I refer to when I’m booked or a client is looking for something different. I think I happen to have a great “eye” when it comes to catching a moment – most of the time. On the technical end – I totally need some work! And I appreciate the advice I get – to help me improve!

Same thing in life. I am not sympathetic. I am working on it – but I think Jared would tell you that I’m not much better than before. Because I am in constant pain and have been since 2006 – I have a very low tolerance for whiny pain complaints – unless they are serious. Jared comes from a family with a very loving (not that I’m not) and sympathetic momma. And I am not. We joke that when Fitzy gets older he will have to go next door with scrapes and bruises. Oh – your leg bone is sticking out of your leg after you fell out of the tree? You’re fine. Suck it up. Seriously though – it’s something I am working on – and people call me on it.

I think you have to be VERY open for constructive criticism when you are in a position of leadership. I usually have Jared or my aunt L read my blogs before I post them – especially when they are feisty ones! I feel that God has opened a door for me to write and encourage others and let them know that their feelings have merit. So – in a way – that puts me in a position of leadership – of extra scrutiny. And I think you have to recognize and respect that.

There are people in life who only want to be surrounded by positive – encouraging people who build them up. That’s great.

But what happens when that person is wrong – misinformed – and in a position of great leadership. There was a tweet from a pastor that Jared follows that said something similar. His 2012 resolution was to associate exclusively with those who build up and eliminate the influence of those who tear down.

Now – I am all about that. I hide people on fbook that are just flat out negative all the time (cus we all have our bad days once in a while) – those people who want to tear me down. Always. No matter what I do. When I ask those people in my life who would truly tell me if I am doing wrong – and I get a firm and sure NO – but this person keeps insisting. I purge my life of that influence. BUT – when I get a criticism from someone and I ask those close people in my life what they think – and they say – well – that is an area you need to work on. OH CRAP. I want to hide that person – but I don’t. They are truly loving me and trying to help.

But when you pastor a church – for example – and you don’t want to hear ANYTHING about ANYTHING negative about your ministry. Watch out. This is NOT good. We all need a system of checks and balances in our lives. Especially when you are quick to call someone out on a weakness in their lives – which is fine. But when it comes your turn. Don’t be a jerk about it. You are just human. You also have faults. You also sin. Your congregation looks up to you – so you need those people that will CONSTRUCTIVELY point out those weak areas in your life even more! You are in leadership – and it’s not a position to be taken lightly!

Jared and I have just gone through a pretty rough patch – other than losing little JC – thanks to criticism – and like very other bump in our marriage – are growing closer and stronger because of it – because of the conversations we’ve had as a result (thank You Jesus)! There were some uncomfortable conversations. But if Jared and I can’t sit with each other and talk about the uncomfortable stuff – who can we (or should we) talk about it with. We aren’t just husband and wife – we are best friends.

Remember – those who LOVE you and are truly watching out for you OWE it to you to keep you in check. And you owe it to those you love and are encouraging to keep yourself in check.

I took some photos of Fitzy for his weekly updates (right around 9 months) and just had to post them here!

LOOK AT THAT FACE!

That’s the one I got as his 9 month canvas! I love that little face more than you know!

Oh momma – you’re embarrassing me!

Aren’t we done yet?

SERIOUSLY!

Jeremy Riddle has a song out – Furious – it’s on the Be Lifted High album from Bethel Live.

Jared LOVES this song! He had been wanting another tattoo (or more) and was trying to think of something worthy of tattooing. He kept coming back to this song. It’s amazing – you need to listen to it. Now.

He told me what he was thinking and I drew a few drafts for him but couldn’t get what I had in my head on paper – I came really close – but it needed a little oomph.

We shared with our friends – Ronda and Lew – who also were looking for a hubbie and wife tattoo to get. It was PERFECT! Ronda gave the sketches to our friend Anne and she came up with the PERFECT design to what was going on in my head!

ALTHOUGH – I did not get a tattoo this time around – since I was pregnant at the time – but soon! But Ronda, Lew, and Jared did get theirs!

Lew went first – since he was the newbie!

AWESOME!

Then Ronda – since hers was a quick one! That’s the one I will be getting too!

Then Jared! Can you believe that my Jared got that BIG of a tattoo! CRAZY!

He also had to get the numbers from LOST – cus he was been wanting them FOREVER!

Katie & Josh – thank you SO much for spending the day with us! Ronda & Lew – we are bonded for life!

Well – I took a two week “break” from fbook – I cheated a little by logging onto Jared’s profile a few times.

I learned a few things –

REASONS I HATE FACEBOOK

1. Yes. Jared and I sometimes go to Changos. No. I don’t drink – would it matter if I did? Yes – Jared and I both have tattoos. No. I don’t plan on waving them in peoples faces to show them off. Yes. We “attend” more than one church. No. I don’t think Jesus would tell us we have to attend one and only one. Yes. Sometimes I take Fitzy to my parents. For a week at a time. I might be exhausted. I might have sessions. Or my parents might just miss their grandson and it works out for me to stay a week. No. I’m not leaving my husband. No. We are not fighting. Yes. You can see what I do and where I go. No. I don’t frankly care if you don’t like it.

2. Yes. Please message me privately and tell me that you thought my apology wasn’t genuine. That you think horribly of me. That what I do now is between me and God. When I asked you to forgive me – that’s when I left it between me and God. Tell me that you can’t even stomach the sight of my photographs – they make you physically ill. No. I don’t mind at all that I can’t write back and defend myself or explain because you have blocked me. *At this point there may be one person out there that says – but Danielle – you hypocrite. You blocked me. Why yes I did. But that is because I DO NOT LIKE YOU. Now if the people in this point and the people in number 3 flat out DO NOT LIKE ME – awesome. That’s all I need to know. Don’t tell me my forgiveness isn’t genuine because of something YOU did to YOUR friend? I know that I am not the BEST photographer out there but I think I’m pretty dang good sometimes. So don’t tell me that you cannot stand the photo that used to be my banner – cus that photo KICKS BUTT. Don’t ignore my forgiveness and questions and just assume that I hate your face because of some stupid status that more than likely was a quote from The Office. So – to the one person I have blocked. I am sorry that you think I’m a hypocrite. I block you so that I don’t use words that would make my grandmother blush when we interact. I pray for you. I LOVE you – in Jesus.

3. Yes. I love how you rave about the importance of family. I love how you comment on my child’s photos or updates when Jared or someone else in the family posts them. No. I don’t mind that you’ve blocked me and won’t answer me when I ask what I’ve done – please forgive me – family is important – right? Oh right – I must have posted a status that was directed toward you. Forgot about that one.

4. Why yes. I love that most of my time gets sucked into checking you. I have you on my phone and every time it beeps I pick it up like a drug. I am addicted and I do need help. I will not be putting you as an app on my phone. I would love to turn off my messages but can’t. NUTS! So PLEASE – email me if you have business questions or just want to chat! I will not check you in the evenings once Jared is home.

5. Yes. I love how insecure I am. I love that I wonder what I’ve done wrong when I see a client in another photographer’s photo. When in reality – I’m booked solid. What is wrong with me. I started somewhere and so does everyone else. Why do I feel threatened. I love that feeling – thanks fbook.

REASONS I LOVE FACEBOOK (note – there will be next to little sarcasm in this section)

1. I love love LOVE that I can share my blog with so many people at one. I love that the things I write about affect real people with real issues and real emotions. I love that I’ve met so many DEAR friends because of my blog and/or fbook. I love that I can share the love of Jesus to so many at once.

2. I love love LOVE that I get to see updates of my little niece (and nephew – on the way) while we are here and they are there. I love that with one click I can stay updated.

3. I love love LOVE that I don’t have to actually call or talk to people to see what is going on in their lives. Yes – I am nosy and I prefer to not talk on the phone for hours. Or even five minutes.

4. I love love LOVE that I have gotten MOST of my clients through facebook. I love the networking between friends with my work. I love seeing my picture as your profile. I love meeting a client who has struggled the same way we have and I get to capture their miracle! I love that most of my clients have become good friends!

5. I love love LOVE the love I get. Seriously. I love that you guys love on my little guy and most of you TRULY love and care for us.

6. I love that people write to me and say – I saw your work on facebook – I read your blog – we are also trying for a baby. Please pray for us. PLEASE PRAY FOR US. Awesome.

SEEMS LIKE LOVE WON – ALTHOUGH THE REASONS I HATE YOU ARE MUCH MORE DETAILED.

If I can keep my boundaries that I set for myself and others in check – then I will be around for quite a while. If not – back to facebook freedom.

Today Fitzy is 40 weeks old. FORTY. I cannot believe how much my life has changed in 40 weeks – I also can’t believe that in 12 short weeks our baby boy will be ONE!

LOOK AT THAT FACE! He is such a happy lovey baby!

That’s his newest favorite face!

He is such a little ham!

Oh Fitzy – I just adore your little face! You can hardly tell that you are so sick and stuffy.

Thankfully we got an antibiotic for his ear infection. He lost two pounds over the weekend since he stopped eating baby food but ate his breakfast like the normal piggy baby he is this morning!

He still gets up twice in the night but hasn’t been having his 4 AM parties – so that’s a plus!

In “new” baby news – I started bleeding a little yesterday and my doctor was awesome and got me right in for an ultrasound and blood work.

Yesterday marked 8 weeks according to my schedule. I’ve seen an 8 week ultrasound – I have a friend who is due right around the time we are and she was spotting and asked me to pray. She sent me the photos of her baby at 8 weeks. At 8 weeks on an ultrasound you can see a heart beating.

We didn’t get a photo yesterday. The tech measured my ovaries and then the gestational sac and the yolk sac. She told me that the blood work would have to confirm. I knew then. Even though I kind of knew something was wrong. With our first baby – I didn’t feel sick. I was exhausted but never sick. With Fitzy I was sick every morning. I haven’t been sick this time. I’ve been overly exhausted but not sick.

Our doctor called and told us the results – which I knew were not good. He said that he can’t tell for SURE but with blood work comparisons on Friday he will know for certain – but more than likely we will miscarry this baby. It looks like a blighted ovum – a type of miscarriage in which the baby either never develops or stops growing at a very early stage in pregnancy and then disintegrates – but a gestational sac does develop and the body does not recognize that the baby is missing. Googled that for you.

Now – it COULD be wrong – but I highly doubt it. Not because I don’t believe that God is still God and still performs miracles. But because I just haven’t felt right – haven’t felt pregnant. I haven’t really attached myself to this baby – it’s hard because once you’ve had a miscarriage you have this fear in the back of your mind that it will happen again. I had it with Fitzy but as soon as I was getting sick I felt better – I wanted to throw up EVERY MORNING if it meant that baby was still there.

Blighted ovum or not – I believe that life starts at the MOMENT of conception – so I believe that Enoch and our little baby (which I like to think would have been a girl – Joy (short for Joyce after my two grandmothers) Christina are in heaven. I believe that we will see them again. They have never felt pain or anger or fear or loss. They have only known the hugs of Jesus and His love and awesomeness.

So – it’s a waiting game to find out the comparative blood tests. Last time it took about a week after our ultrasound to miscarry.

More blogs will be coming once we find out the results and what not. I also plan on being back on facebook Sunday (I HAVE to make it to two weeks) BUT things will be completely different. I will not put up with crap. I will not put up with your insecurities that you blame on me. I will not participate in 13 year old gossip and attitudes.

I truly believe that God has used our miscarriage(s) to help those around us. Please keep praying for the now over 30 women and men on my list that want to hold sweet ones in their arms. You ask what you can do to help. Pray. Pray for me that anger and bitterness and jealousy and judgement don’t take over. I love to capture bellies and babies – but I get very angry when I should have had and don’t. I get bitter. I tend to pass judgement on who really deserves a baby or not. It’s not fair – but life’s not fair. PERIOD. So please pray that for me – cus I get angry about even the closest friends and family members that are pregnant or SEEM to not struggle with their pregnancies. And don’t tell me that at least we lost this “baby” while it wasn’t really a “baby” yet. I can promise you a kick in the neck.

To those of you who TRULY care and love us – thank you! I appreciate you more than you know! To those of you that don’t – I’m praying you can forgive me for whatever wrong I’ve done against you – if you are reading this and you think it’s about you – it most likely is.

9 months. So much happens in 9 months.

You can find out about a tiny life growing inside you and have it burst out with that first breath – in 9 months.

You start school in the fall as a senior and graduate in the summer – suddenly an adult – in 9 months.

You can watch that tiny life that burst out of you grow into a climbing – crawling – babbling – smiling – not so tiny (but still pretty small) baby – in 9 months.

You can fall head over heels in love.

You can watch your entire life change.

You can discover that a hug from your child is the best gift in the world.

You can marvel at God’s love – through the eyes of this little baby.

In 9 months.