Another 5 months have gone by since I wrote – which would seem crazy – but it really doesn’t. I barely have enough free time to take a shower – let alone sit down and type!
Going from 1 to 2 children has still been crazy hard for me – like I said before. And sometimes I feel like I’m just a weirdo that can’t handle it. I can’t even tell you that it’s crazy hard sometimes – pretty much all the time. How do you attend to both? How do you meet the needs of a toddler and an infant – at the same time. How do you make time for your husband at the end of the day or the beginning of the day – or anytime of the day. Sacrifice is the only answer I’ve come across. You sacrifice the needs of one for the other. In every situation. I’m sacrificing spending time with Jared over sleep. I’m sacrificing sleep over taking care of a baby in the night. I’m sacrificing spending time with Fitzy over editing photographs while Enoch sleeps. I’m sacrificing a shower over dishes and a walk and picking up toys. Sacrificing spending time with God over wallowing about my situation. Sacrificing – balance – whatever – call it what you want – but it’s what I’ve discovered.
And I’d like to say that I suppose we are doing fine – but I’m not. I’m overwhelmed. Mostly with the lack of sleep. Fitzy has only started sleeping through the night since April – but he also gave up any naps then too. And by sleeping through the night I mean – he calls out anywhere from 11 to 5 and asks for daddy. Jared ends up in bed with him for the rest of the night. On a typical night – Enoch goes to sleep at 8 in his crib and is up again at 11 – ready to be up – but I get him back to sleep – in our bed. Then he is up at 1 for about an hour most nights – rolling around and whining – if it’s really bad – I give him a bottle – but try not to. Then he’s up again by 4.30 and sleeps fitfully until about 5.30 when he’s up for the day. He takes two small naps a day. And I’m exhausted. I usually spend every morning sobbing – wondering how I’ll survive another day on this amount of sleep. And I do – but I’m quite sick of surviving and would like to start thriving. Because – believe me – it’s not fun for anyone. I realize that. We have two small bedrooms upstairs – so we share a bedroom with Enoch – because I can’t deal with two kids up all hours of the night. And so starts the cycle of waking up and being in a house all day that I don’t want to be in. I could list the reasons – but I’ll spare you. These two things are what keeps me from loving life. It might sound petty – it might sound trivial. I realize that LOTS of people have it MUCH harder. But that still doesn’t mean that what is happening for me is hard. I don’t think it’s right to say – well – just be grateful for what you have – it could be worse. I’ve been trying to push it down – trying to make it not matter – and it’s just taken a deeper root. I need to experience it – to somehow figure out how to get through this. Because it’s consuming me.
And as I look through my blog posts – I realize that it’s always a struggle about something. And then I think – I don’t remember reading many blog posts – from anyone that go on and on about their wonderful amazing beautiful lives and how they are just rocking everything that’s thrown their way. Struggle? What’s struggle? Isn’t it all about managing our way through the muck. Navigating through the ugly to discover the beautiful underneath? I say that to say this – if you think I’m complaining. I’m whining. I’m ungrateful. Please feel free to stop reading.
It’s hard for me to remember the days when all I wanted to be was a mother. The pain and the prayers – I seriously don’t remember. I mean – I know I felt that way. I know that it hurt – but it’s not there. I look at these two little boys and it’s hard to imagine a life – almost 30 years of a life without them in it. And for the past several years it seems I’ve always been wanting. Wanting pain to go away (it’s not – but much better). Wanting to be a photographer (and I am). Wanting to be a momma (and I am – twice). Wanting to be in a different house. Wanting babies to sleep better. Wanting a minute to write. Wanting whatever isn’t in front of me.
I want to embrace. Not want.
I want to embrace where I am – the pain – the trials – the joy – the beauty. These boys that I wanted SO badly. These babies that consumed my thoughts. To be a momma. A get on the floor and play with my kids momma. A look them in the eyes and LISTEN to what they are saying momma. I want to embrace it. This husband who is quite fantastic to me. Who deals with my dramatic personality. And loves me in spite of it. This guy that just loves me. I want to embrace it. All of it. But. It’s hard. Really really hard. A work in progress – which I will always be – but shoot – I want to be happier. I want to be happier because the truth is – Jesus is crazy awesome. Period. If nothing else. Jesus is awesome. And I need to see that. And hold onto that. Sometimes only that. I want to be happier because right now – it’s hard to live with me. And Jared is pretty awesome – because he is the heart that loves me at my worst and the arms that hold me my weakest. That’s how I can describe him. That’s what he is to me. I want to be happier because these babies are all I’ve ever wanted. And I’m missing out on happy times because I’m too sad to see them.
I want to be happier because I’m miserable. And I’m so tired of feeling this way. So tired of pulling into the driveway with wishes in my heart. Waking up in the morning in tears. And yes – I know. This too shall pass. But it really sucks while you are going through it. And I don’t know how to get over that.
I don’t do Pinterest. And the biggest reason is that it would suck WAY TOO MUCH of my time. The second reason is – I can’t stand seeing all these little improvements for your home all the time. Because it makes me even more frustrated with where I am. Everyone says – be content with what you have. Be thankful for what God has given you. But we all want more. Improved furniture. Better chairs. An updated kitchen. Fancier lights. It’s always something. Updating. Improving. Upgrading. Remodeling. And I get that – I really do. But – our treasures are in heaven. Not here. Yet we all want more. I want a different house – more than I can even express. And my goal – now – isn’t to stop wanting a different house – but to start realizing that it doesn’t matter what this house looks like – outside or inside. That it doesn’t matter that it’s nothing like I would like to have. But that I have it and I have to make do with what we have. I don’t like this. And I don’t think that I need to learn to like it. But I do need to stop allowing this to make my heart ugly – because it is. And it’s bad enough for me to deal with – let alone what Jared is dealing with. It’s hard to focus on building our treasures in heaven when we are so consumed with how our here on earth looks.
And sleep – well. Again – it is what it is. I’ve tried. And because we have tiny bedrooms and someone has to share a room – crying it out in the middle of the night means losing more sleep that what I am now. 5.30 mornings are getting old. Quick. And I know – someday I will say – remember when we didn’t sleep? Cus I don’t. I wish our biggest problem was sleeping at night – or the lack. Instead of mean kids at school. Instead of broken hearts. Instead of dating. Instead of driving. Instead of college. But – again – going through it is ROUGH. But it’s gonna be the way it is for a while – based on how Fitzy slept. And I’m doing it – so I’ll keep doing it. I just need to be happier.
And really – again – only Jesus can do that. Not a new house. Not sleep. Not Jared. Not my kiddos. So today – again. I’m making an effort. An effort to not be miserable. Because when you look around – life is pretty amazing. And be still – which I know is kinda impossible with a toddler and an infant on the move – all the time. But just not be in a rush ALL THE TIME. I feel like I’m always moving at high speed – which is normal for me. Slowing down is hard – because then I spend way too much time in my head. And it usually comes back to – if I slept more – if we lived in a different house. But sleep and a new house doesn’t fix an ugly heart. Jesus does.
And like I wrote last time – life as we know it – has changed. Again. And it will again tomorrow.