OVERWHELMED

Filed under: . babies . babies . babies .,babes,baby barden,bardenisms,just because,my family,newsworthy — admin at 4:02 am on Friday, February 22, 2013

“If my heart is overwhelmed
and I cannot hear Your voice
I’ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come
and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith I will believe”

Brian Johnson – Love Came Down

Google the lyrics – the rest of the song. Listen. And then listen again.

God –

Right now I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I cannot hear Your voice. While I cannot hear Your voice – I feel Your love. Which is strange for me. I sit here with tears streaming down my face and yet I know that You are holding me. It’s strange because while I’ve always KNOWN that to be true – I can count on one hand the times I have been overwhelmed with Your peace and love. And while right now I am sad – I feel Your peace. It’s strange to even type that.

You know my heart. You know my wants. You know my needs. You know every single thing about me. And then some. You know that I’ve been through my fair share of storms – that the road ahead has only been steep – and getting steeper. You know that when I get remotely comfortable and the road starts to plateau – that I get lazy in needing You. I start to rely on myself. And that isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I need to rely on You. Every moment. Not just in the valleys. Not just when I’m climbing and panting and out of breath. Which seems to be much more often than not. Because that’s when I think I need You – ONLY when I think I need you. And that sucks.

I can’t see anything in front of me. Which makes it hard to NOT live in the past. We can’t see what’s coming – so we mull on what’s been. It’s all we have to really see. But I have to hold on to what is true – ESPECIALLY because I cannot see it. I have to lift my hands. My life. In faith. And believe. Believe. Why is that so hard? Believe that You work all things out for my good.

All things. Everything. That’s every single second and moment. The beautiful and the tragic. This is a really hard concept for me to get through my head. Every tear. Every hurt. Every pain. Every word. Every hug. Every struggle. Every kiss. Every breath. You work it out for my good. It’s crazy is what it is. Crazy beautiful.

Tonight I sit here – just having put Fitzy to bed – in absolute wonderment. I’ve stopped crying. The 5th person in about 2 weeks just told me they were pregnant. Again. That word flips a switch for me.

I have a confession – although You being who You are – already know it.

I’m happier for people that are expecting when they’ve had trouble conceiving. Seriously. I’m awful. Horrible. Or maybe I should say that the pain is a little less of a stab in my heart. But I’m still awful.

Because it’s MY heart that everyone should be taking into consideration when they announce their pregnancy. Don’t people understand how hurtful it is to see their happiness all over my FACEBOOK feed. Don’t they know they should be more sensitive.

And yet – in each and every instance – all 5 of them – they seriously DID take my feelings into consideration. They let me know ahead of time that they were expecting. Gave me a heads up – cus they know how hard it is for me.

Constantly. Seriously. Overwhelmed.

We’ve been praying. Asking You to show us peace. And a specific answer. What should we do. Should we see a fertility specialist? After our 3rd miscarriage – my doctor highly recommended seeing a specialist before trying to get pregnant again. Should we permanently call it quits? Should we prevent for a year and then re-evaluate? Should we just be and hope for the best?

It’s all so overwhelming. I’ve asked a few people to pray for us. That we would hear Your voice clearly. That our fears and emotions wouldn’t shove their way in. That we hear what You want – and not what we want.

The thought of not having another baby makes me a little panicky. The thought of having another baby makes Jared a little panicky. The thought of having yet another miscarriage makes us both very panicky.

I prayed for a child. We prayed. I cried and begged. I became obsessed. And I refuse to be that person again – I didn’t enjoy her – and I’ll bet not many other people did either. You answered my prayer with a yes. I have a beautiful baby boy. I prayed for one. A baby. He is sleeping in his crib at this very moment. He is miraculous.

When we got pregnant with Fitzy – and we realized that he was indeed meant for our arms – not just our hearts – I knew that he might be our only. I never thought I would have trouble getting pregnant – but we did. We have trouble getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I savored every moment – knowing full well that it could very well be our only chance. I’ve already accepted this in my heart – well about 90% accepted it. There’s still a little part of me holding onto hope – as hard as that is for me.

So we’ve prayed. And asked people we love and trust to pray. Jared and I both felt strongly that we needed to relax for a year. At least. Last year was really REALLY hard on us. We lost two babies and almost our relationship. And almost our own sanity. It’s been hard. It’s been hard to hope. And the people we’ve asked to pray for us echoed the same – most of them.

I want to be happy. I want to enjoy this little family that You’ve given me. I want to focus on You. On my marriage. On this miracle that you’ve given us. The other day we were at lunch and someone said – how old will Fitzy be? I said – two. She said – well then – it’s about time you got started on another huh? I said – it’s not in our hands. When in reality I wanted to SCREAM – WE’VE TRIED. AND WE’VE LOST. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS FOR US? What I wouldn’t give to just be able to think about getting pregnant and having it happen (and stay) – but alas. That was not Your plan for us.

God – we pray that this year we will be comforted. This year we will feel peace. This year – You will make it clear if there is another baby in store for us. You will calm our hearts and our minds. You will replace our fears with faith. You will help us hold on to what is true – though we cannot see.

Amen.

 

1 Comment »

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Comment by Shalane

February 22, 2013 @ 1:13 pm

My heart aches for you. Lifting you up to the great physician, to the comforter, to the most High. Crying and praying and crying. Your testimony is amazing. Your honesty will help others heal. God will give you grace no mater the outcome.2Cor 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
MY FAVORITE VERSE>>> “God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.” Psalm 46:5 <3 <3 <3
You are not alone.

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