I have always had a headache – mostly my whole life – as long as I can remember. The really bad migraines started at 5 – throwing up, sensitivity to light and noise, sleeping every moment of my life away. I can remember missing Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas with my grandparents on more than one occasion. My dad would stay home with me while I slept in a dark room with a cold washcloth on my head. Washcloths became a MUST every night when I went to bed. My mom would massage that spot between my thumb and first finger. My brother and sister learned to be quiet while I slept – almost every night after school.

Once school started – every day of my life consisted of getting a headache toward the end of the day – pushing through it – coming home on the bus and praying that I could wait to throw up when I get off the bus – cus it was way too embarrassing on the bus. I would make it home and my mom would put me in pj’s and give me a washcloth and a tub – in case I had to throw up again – and massage my hands till I fell asleep. I would wake up at 6 or 7 and eat toast and maybe dinner on a good night – mom would help me with homework and by then another headache was coming on. I would go to sleep and wake up in the morning to do it all again.

The doctor told my mom to keep me away from chocolate and caffeine – which helped – sometimes. We tried different tests – with nothing. Someone suggested that my mom take me to a chiropractor – we found out that my legs were not the same length – significantly. I wore – and still wear orthotics – and the headaches slowly got better. I still had a headache every day – but not a migraine. I asked my sister and brother recently if they have or had headaches. Samantha hardly ever had them growing up – but does now. Derek says he always had and still has a headache – but not migraines. My mom gets headaches and my dad gets migraines. I always told my mom that if I knew that my children had headaches like I did – I wouldn’t have them. I don’t know how my mom dealt with watching me go through that and taking care of me for so long – without losing her mind!

My pain tolerance grew with each headache I had. I thought it would be the worst pain I ever went through – then my TMJ pain started. There were times when I am sure that without Jared keeping me sane – I would have killed myself without knowing what I was doing. I was delirious and in complete and utter pain – worse than I have ever felt in my life. I was working at the PT clinic at that point and started to have more of an understanding toward the patients that came in those doors absolutely miserable. I started to realize that I needed to adjust to my jaw pain like my headaches – realize that it might always be there but could be less in severity – like my headaches.

I know that God can heal me – from my headaches and my TMJ pain – I know that. I also know that in the meantime I need to adjust to living with pain.

While I understand people living with chronic pain a little more – the one thing it does do is turns down my sympathy button for complaining people. When and if I voice that I don’t feel well – it means I DO NOT FEEL WELL – like cannot move my head without it exploding. When Jared complains of something – I don’t say anything – when he complains for the 3rd time I ask him what he needs me to do – take him to the hospital or what? When I am in constant pain of some form – it’s hard for me to understand why others don’t just suck it up and deal. It’s something that I am working on and asking Jesus for guidance.

I know that I am sympathetic – when the situation calls for it – even though some I know would disagree!

As the birth of Fitzy approaches – I think about the pain – and how it can’t be THAT bad seeing as how I have lived with pain most of my life. I think about being sympathetic with my child over his pain – and praying that my heart grows in size when he is born!