Last week we met with someone to talk about what we have been going through in life.
Jared and I both have been down and out for the count – it seems like life has thrown us every curve ball it has.
Usually in hard times one of us is strong and can help the other out of the sadness – but this had knocked us both out. We have been moody and cranky and touchy and hard to live with. I have the need to control – and it seemed that my life was spinning out and I wanted to grab hold of anything that I could control. Jared and I were arguing every minute we spent together. We were taking out our anger and confusion on each other.
Two of my dear friends called me to check on me and see if I was okay. I was not okay – and they were concerned. My Aunt L had told me weeks ago that I needed to call someone and talk – we finally made the decision.
My biggest obstacle was TRUST – since this happened – how can I trust that it won’t happen again? I have only been pregnant once and the result was a miscarriage – I am terrified about being pregnant again. The attitude I had was that I trusted God before and it ended without a baby – why should I trust again.
Why should I trust again? Why wouldn’t I trust again is the question!
The person we talked to reminded us of the things we already knew. Jesus had to trust God – God had never died before – Jesus had to trust His Father. There is no relationship with God without TRUST – plain and simple. A relationship with God is a very real relationship. There are tons of emotions involved – anger – love – joy – frustration – confusion – TRUST – most importantly TRUST!
We can be angry and frustrated with God but we cannot remain there. God feels out hurts – He knows every emotion and feeling. Without trust – there is no relationship with God – no relationship with Jesus.
Having a child is the desire of my heart – God did not take our child away from us – thankfully Jesus was there waiting for Enoch to take him home. We will trust God for the next time – and IF we have a miscarriage again (you have to know that I am a “glass half-empty” kind of girl) – then we will trust Him to bring us through it. He will.
Like I said – I am terrified of being pregnant again – but we cannot live our lives in fear.
Jared and I are feeling better – much better – I still have those moments where I miss Enoch – I miss taking a picture of my growing belly each week – I miss the anticipation of shopping for maternity clothes – I miss having a baby shower – I miss the anticipation of feeling a kick for the first time – seeing our baby on the US for the first time – hearing a heart beat for the first time. I miss everything about the motherhood that I was so looking forward to. I miss everything about the miracle of life.
I have to trust that the desire of my heart will be granted – and trust that if we don’t have a child – God knows what is going on.
There are times when I hold that sweet baby *M* that I love so dear and my heart aches for my child. There are those times that I see what seems like everyone getting ready for their baby – and my heart aches more than I ever knew it could. But we TRUST that God will get us through.
In my last post about our sweet one – I said that I didn’t agree with the statement that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.
It is written – and TRUE!
