Today is Thursday – September 13th. Your due date was today. We should have been in the hospital – looking down at your sweet face. Marveling over your tiny hands and how much you look like your brother. Wondering what color your eyes would be – if you would have blonde hair like Fitzy. Announcing your name to everyone and watching their reactions over this tiny miracle.

Instead – you are celebrating in heaven with your older and younger brother. Enoch and Lewis are holding your hand. Everything happens for a reason. If we hadn’t lost you – we wouldn’t have baby Lewis – but we won’t get to hold him either. You are at peace and surrounded by love and joy. I imagine that you dance and clap your hands like Fitzy does when he hears worship music – that you follow Jesus around just to be near Him. I doubt that in heaven you even have time to think about us – but I imagine you do.

This has been the hardest year of our lives – and there have been some pretty hard ones. When we found out about you we were so shocked and thankful. The day I started bleeding – I knew I was losing you. I held onto Fitzy and cried. I prayed for you to stay – but soon my prayers changed. I prayed for strength to handle this life without you. The strength I would need in knowing that I wouldn’t see your face for a long time. I wouldn’t hold you. I wouldn’t hear your cries and your laughter. I wouldn’t listen to you say mama. I wouldn’t watch you grow. I wouldn’t cry as your dad danced with you at your wedding. I wouldn’t marvel over your babies one day. I prayed for the strength I would need in knowing that one more time I would have to say goodbye to one of my babies.

It was really hard. Our reactions surprised us – shook us to our very cores. We lost hope. We were angry that Jesus was dancing with you and we wouldn’t be. We had been through this before – and while that made it a little easier to swallow – we still felt numb. We still feel numb sometimes. People ask me if Fitzy is our only. Sometimes I say yes. Sometimes I say no. I don’t like to make people uncomfortable – but I want them to know that we didn’t forget about you. I want the world to know that I am a mother of four – while I only hold one.

I don’t want YOU to think we have forgotten you. Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy – for laughing and smiling. For enjoying life – because you are not here. It’s not fair.

But it is beautiful. Because you are surrounded by love. You are surrounded by beauty.

JC – I miss you more than you could ever know. I have friends that are having babies just days from your birthday. I don’t know how I’m going to see them. I don’t know how I’m going to look at their babies and feel joy and not jealousy. I don’t know why you came to us for such a short time – but we are blessed to call you our daughter. Fitzy would love you so much.

Happy birthday baby girl.

I met Noell and Jay on their wedding day – which happens more often than you would think!

They had a BEAUTIFUL day and were so happy!

Adam Murtland assisted me again – the images WITHOUT the little db are all Adam’s. He is AMAZING!

RIDICULOUS CUTIES!

GORGEOUS!

LOVE THOSE SHOTS!!

Noell & Jay – thank you SO much for asking me to be your wedding photographer!

Adam – thank you SO much for assisting me this summer!

I met Autumn when she dated my brother in middle school – high school – something – a long time ago!

I took her engagement photos last year and have been looking forward to their wedding!

We did some bridal portraits in August – something I recommend that EVERY bride do!

Their wedding was this past weekend – so it’s safe to post these now!

Her shoes were way too pink for her liking – so when you see her wedding photos – you’ll have to look for a new shade!

Autumn is a fellow photographer – so the pressure was on for this session!

Her fiance LOVES everything FORD – especially vintage – so the truck was a surprise for him!

LOVE THOSE SHOTS!

You are a BEAUTIFUL bride Autumn! I can’t wait to post your wedding photos!

I met Heather either on FACEBOOK or at one the of ARNOT MALL BRIDAL EXPOS – I’m not sure now!

They’ve been married 3 years and are expecting a sweet baby boy!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE those shots!

Heather & Melvin – I had a GREAT time with you guys! I cannot wait to see that handsome little miracle of yours!

I met Katie through her cousin Ashley – who I met on FACEBOOK! I’ve been looking forward to this wedding ALL YEAR!

Adam Murtland was my AWESOME second shooter! He spent the day with the guys while I hung out with the girls! I HIGHLY recommend hiring a second shooter at your wedding! Once you see the photos – you’ll know why!

Any photos with the barden photography text on them WITHOUT my db logo – are ones that Adam shot and I edited. The rest are all mine.

This post is gonna be a long one – so sit tight!

LOVE those shots of the guys!

Some of my FAVORITE ring shots!

Special moments …

OH MY WORD! I LOVE these photos!

Right before the ceremony started – a feather drifted to the ground in the aisle!

I love that last shot Adam caught!

AMAZING!

GORGEOUS!

LOVE THAT SHOT!

SERIOUSLY!

Chris & Katie – thank you SO much for asking me to spend the day with you!

Adam – thank you SO much for being the best second shooter a girl could ask for!

I met Lisa and her family while we were attending church in Liberty and then took her oldest son’s senior pictures last summer!

She had me back for some family pictures – on a HOT day!

I LOVE THOSE SHOTS!

Thank you SO much for asking me to capture your family!

I’m the oldest of three. I have a sister and a brother. Growing up – someone was ALWAYS left out – usually me or Derek. I always said that I would never have an odd number of children – cus someone is always left out!

When Jared and I were first dating – I made some smart remark about how I would NEVER have an only child. His mom – who is sweeter than candy – set me straight. She said – oh we wanted more – and tried – but God only gave us Jared. I was quick to not make that remark again.

You never know what people are going through. You don’t know the story behind their lives. But the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. No matter what.

I’ve always wanted 4 kids. I even had names – of course it would have been 2 boys (Christopher William and Andrew Scott) and 2 girls (Bailey Russell and Sierra Alexis) – yea – I totally remember. But I was totally gonna start having them RIGHT after high school – with my husband that I met in high school. Right. That happened. After having Fitzy – I rethought my 4 kids plan. Dude – it’s hard work. FOUR? All by myself during the day. Heck. That’s crazy! And I am starting at 30 and not 18 like I planned. So in my current reality – 2 is a great number for us. But in my dream world of being a mom at 18 and done at 24 with 4 kids – heavenly!

I realized today as the doctor told me there was no heartbeat for our little baby – our number four – that I am a momma of 4. I’m just gonna have to wait till heaven to meet the other 3.

Here’s the thing. I’m tired. We are tired. I’m broken. I feel defeated.

INSERT WARNING – if you don’t want to hear me whine a little (or a lot) stop reading. If you don’t wanna hear me say that I am doubting a few things – stop reading. If you insist on telling me that God does have a plan for my life and He IS in control – I KNOW THAT – stop reading. This blog entry isn’t gonna be about soft kittens that poop rainbows. It’s gonna be about raw hurt and emotions. So if you can’t handle that – seriously. Stop reading. 

Anyway – I feel defeated. Like I said in my previous post. It’s not fair. I’m sad. It’s not fair that we don’t get to enjoy pregnancy. It’s not fair that I’m always wondering in the back of my mind if something is wrong. It’s exhausting. I see my friends have baby after baby and talk about how babies are fruit of the womb and gifts from God. Why are our babies being taken away? Am I doing something wrong? Cus then I get all judgmental and think – well I know what this chick does in her free time and she’s got 5 or 6. How on earth does God’s plan include losing babies – what good is that gonna give me? Like I said – I know that His plan is perfect and wonderful. But tell me how THIS is perfect and wonderful. And yes – I know that we can’t see it. But you can’t tell me that you don’t want to? That you don’t want to know?

Why is it that 2012 has already SUCKED bad enough and now this? We started out the year losing a baby – which would have been born next month – and in that span have already lost another? Why is it that we can’t sell our house? Why did we have to go through the roughest patch in our marriage? We could have bought – but we didn’t. It would have been foolish – so we listened to God. And here we are – still stuck. We forgave and loved – to be welcomed by this hurt? I know – I know – WOE IS ME. Yes. I have a BEAUTIFUL baby boy – an absolute miracle (which if I never thought he was – I sure do now). I have a great husband who loves me and cries with me and puts up with me and puts up with me – did I say that? I have a family who is awesome – a roof over my head – a great job that I’m great at.

BUT – dang it – I’m mad. And sad. And angry. And jealous. And forgotten. Have you ever felt forgotten? If you are a girl and you were a teenager at some point – I KNOW you have. I just feel shoved to the side. I feel like I am watching all these people around me – revel in their blessings and happiness and here we are – barely hanging on.

I don’t doubt that God loves me. I don’t doubt for one SECOND that Jesus died for me (and you). There are a few things I’m unsure of – but I just don’t know if this is the place. I’ve got enough stuff going on right now. And I don’t doubt His plan for our lives. I’m just not sure what the WHAT He’s thinking.

When we lost Enoch in 2009 – it started a connection with people I would have never met. That was beautiful and I now see the beauty from pain. But couldn’t it have happened another way? Did I have to lose a baby for those connections to happen?

What the heck – I’m just gonna say it. Sometimes – I think it’s useless to pray. I’ll get crap for that one – don’t worry. But I’m serious. Here’s the thing. People – LOTS of people prayed for our little baby this week – prayed for a MIRACLE. And it didn’t happen. Our little babe didn’t hold on and beat the odds – despite HOURS of praying.

In 2011 – I prayed for 5 certain families to get pregnant and have babies. All 5 of them did. Within two months of each other. I just looked up the meanings of their names – this is crazy.

A – fiery. C – from the heavens. E – the Lord is my God. J – fire of the Lord. E – the Lord is my God. See the similarities? I don’t believe in coincidences.

Did my praying aid in all that? I’m not saying – oh look at me – I’m magical and have a special connection with God – cus He totally answered my prayer and then blew my mind about it. But guess what – I am His child and I do have a relationship with Him – and in that – the power of Jesus. So if you give me this situation – I would argue that prayer KICKS BUTT.

Why not in ours? Why are we grieving. Again. Why have 3 out of my 4 babies been taken to heaven? With other miscarriages – I was so thankful that I never had to see a baby on a screen and see a heart beat and then say goodbye. Why did that happen this time? Why did I have to see that sweet one and see it’s heart beat only to find out that it’s not meant to be?

Ugh. So many emotions. I could type all night.

I leave you with this. Jared and I had agreed before we got pregnant this time that the next time would be the last. We couldn’t go through another miscarriage. Just couldn’t – and here we are. Going through it. I can’t do this again. I feel like – I can take a hint. It’s not working. I asked for a baby. God – please give me a baby. And I have one. He is gorgeous and amazing. When we were trying for 18 months – I was MISERABLE. I was angry and preoccupied. Babies were ALL I thought about. I buried myself in my work. I don’t want to be that person again. I have a sweet boy to love and enjoy and I don’t want to miss out on that because I’m so consumed with wanting another baby. Our doctor asked if I wanted to be referred to the fertility specialists in Danville – cus now they can say something is obviously wrong that I can’t carry a baby past 8 weeks. Even though I did. Once. So please pray for our happiness. That I would be happy in knowing that Fitzy is our only one. I want to be happy in that and enjoy this miracle we were blessed with. While we wait to see the other 3.

I’ve known Ashley quite a while on FACEBOOK!

When she found out she was expecting she asked me to do the first year package for their son!

Turns out he waited till the 4th to make his appearance!

OH MY HEART!

HELLO HANDSOME!

Ashley & Phil – thank you SO much for asking me to capture these moments for you!

See you in 6 months – they will FLY by!

Dearest Fitzgerald –

You are such a happy baby – from the moment you wake up until you ask to go to sleep! You still don’t sleep well – but I’m kind of – sort of – maybe – holding onto hope that you might? You walk now. You talk. You say dada – mom – book – ball – hot – yuck – bock bock – moo – vroom – and tell us all sorts of stories that we can’t comprehend! You have 6 teeth and curly blonde hair. You LOVE to be in the water and on the farm! You give momma kisses and hug me ever so tight. Lately I’ve just been crying in the middle of the day when I look at you. You are a beautiful miracle and you bless (and challenge) my life every day! I love you!

We visited G and G Trout for a week in July – and you would have stayed with the chickens all day if we let you!

On your 15 month birthday (yes – your momma is kinda crazy) I took you out around the house for some pictures!

You were bock-bocking like a chicken here!

You’ve grown to love your little hats! Which I LOVE!

OH MY HEART!

Fitzy – you are such a joy and we love you SO much! You were born for such a time as THIS! I can’t wait to see the great things that God will do through you!

I have so much running through my mind. So many things I want to say and get out. This may be scattered – but I need to write.

Our doctor called today – on a Saturday – to talk to us about our ultrasound. He asked if I was bleeding yet. Yet. That word stuck out to me. I told him no. He said that the heartbeat looked slower than they would like to see. There was a tear and some bleeding under the sac. He didn’t want to give up hope – but …

It sucks. It hurts. I’m so sad. I’m not really angry anymore – I was the first time – for a LONG time. I was very angry at God. How could He. We’ve been nothing but good followers of Him – and this is what we get? We deserve better – we deserved a baby – we deserved to NOT lose a baby. It took me a long time to get over this. A long time.

When we got pregnant with Fitzy – I had given up hope. I had decided that Jared and I were gonna be fine with just the two of us – maybe I preferred it actually. Besides – we had Schrute and barden photography was booming – those would be my babies. Then out of nowhere – BAM. We get pregnant in the exact month I had told God that I could not get pregnant in. I was gonna go to Texas to shoot a wedding May 1st. Fitzy was born April 28th. Other than a little placenta previa – I had a perfect pregnancy. Morning sickness – sure. But that was pretty much it. And as far as deliveries go – it really was quick and kinda sorta as easy as it can kinda be? Other than the whole sleeping thing – he is a perfect and wonderful and happy and beautiful miracle in our lives. One that I never thought would be here.

Even as I sit here typing – I look at his perfect little face and can’t believe that he kinda belongs to us. That God loaned this miracle of a child to us. He trusted. Us.

So – again. I’m here with tears streaming down my face. Preparing myself to say goodbye to yet another baby that I won’t hold in this lifetime. I know what you’re saying – don’t give up so easily Danielle. I’m not. Really. But I’m a realist. I’m a “life is pain” kinda person. I get it. Life sucks sometimes. It is in no way fair. I prepare for the worst and then I am pretty happy in life when it’s NOT the worst.

Do I believe in miracles? Yes. ABSOLUTELY.

Do I feel that way that I felt with Fitzy this pregnancy. No. I had the migraines – but two or three of those were before I was even pregnant. I haven’t been sick. I’ve been exhausted – but I have a child who only needs the BARE minimum of sleep to get by and a ton of work to do. I’ve been really crampy – and not the crampy I was with Fitzy. I’ve been cautious. It’s the only way I know how to be.

Seeing that ultrasound yesterday eased my worries – but I would be lying if I told you I felt great afterwards. I was still cautious. I felt better – but not the best.

I’m sad. I’m just sad. Sad that we can’t enjoy pregnancy. Sad that we are always wondering and waiting – will it be like last time? Sad that I have friends I need to be happy for (call me selfish – that’s fine). Sad that all day long I think – wait – what was that? Am I bleeding now? Just sad.

I have no idea if any of this made sense. Blerg. I know that some of you out there might be reading this and thinking – hey Danielle – where’s your God now?

Oh – He’s here. And He loves me. And He loves Jared. And He loves Fitzy. And He loves this little baby struggling to hold on. Just because I’ve decided to love God and follow Him – doesn’t mean that life is easy – in my opinion it’s SO MUCH HARDER than choosing not to. I’ve written before that Jared and I have been through what most married people don’t go through in 16 years of marriage in just half that. It hasn’t been easy. But it would be MUCH harder without God.

So – thanks to all of you praying. Thanks to all of you holding us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.