Waiting. Knowing.
When I was little I knew I wanted to grow up to be one thing. A mother. I always imagined myself having children much earlier that what it seems it will be. When I sit down and think about having babies, I nearly panic. What happens when you don’t know what to do, what happens when they get hurt, what happens when you are responsible for this tiny life and you make mistakes? I’ve come to the conclusion that if everyone sat down and thought long and hard about having kids, no one would actually do it. It is crazy and yet – I imagine – is the most rewarding experience ever. Lately, I have been thinking about it more and more. When I get to the point that I think I can deal – physically – with being a mother, my jaw reminds me that I can’t. I know that there are people out there that are in more pain and turmoil than me – and they do it.
I’m writing – babbling – today to ask you to pray for me.
For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about – I have TMJ – pretty severe. In the spring of 2006 I had a LOT of stress in my life. I started to experience headaches, sinus pain, numbness, tingling, panic attacks – you name it. I went to my family docs and they put me on sinus medications and steroids – with no results. Finally I had my mom – cus we all need our moms sometimes – come over and take me to the doctor. He told me to open my mouth as wide as I could – 20 pops later he told me that I was more than likley experiencing TMJ. He referred me to the only “specialist” in the region. He took X-rays and told me that my jaw was arthritic and deteriorating – I had no cartlidge left to work with. He gave me a muscle relaxer – which is only a monthly relief- and a night splint to sleep with. I gave up gum, candies, steak – anything that required immense amounts of chewing. The pain subsided and stayed at a level of bearable for a while. I would have good days and bad days. The “specialist” told me there wasn’t really a lot that could be done. I left myself with that answer. Life was miserable at some points. I thank God for putting a STRONG – LOVING – WONDERFUL man into my life that has been through it all with me.
Anyway. I am back to being miserable and in pain almost all the time. I was so excited at the prospect of maybe starting a family soon – but when I can barely manage to make it through the day – I don’t let the thought even seep in.
I know in my heart of hearts that God will heal me. I don’t know how – but I know that He will. I am asking you – my readers, my family, me friends – to pray with me. Pray for me. I want to start a family more than anything I can think of – but I want to be pain-free and be able to manage having children.
Thank you and God bless you.
