I don’t like birthdays – let me specify – I don’t like MY birthday!

I have never understood the “big deal” about birthdays – it is just another day.

Why do we get presents on our birthdays – shouldn’t our parents be getting the gift – especially mom?

I married into a birthday family – they LOVE birthdays!

I thought I would chronicle my past few birthdays …

2005 – my 24th birthday – I was working as an Aide at Phoenix with Jared’s cousin Alyssa and she pulled off QUITE the surprise!

She arranged for a cheesecake and Jared and his mom to come down over lunch to surprise me – pretty sure I cried but can’t remember why!

Then she took me for a surprise trip – I thought it was to get something pierced. It wasn’t.

We went to Old Navy – I think – and she bought me a few cute tops then to the Olive Garden where my parents, Jared, Jared’s parents, Cody (I think), Alyssa’s parents, and Sassy & Andy were waiting for us!

I hope I didn’t leave anyone out that was there – Jared’s parents got me the long lens that I had wanted to badly – it was one of the best birthdays ever!

2006 – my 25th birthday – I had started with my jaw pain in March and felt like absolute poo all the time – I am pretty sure we were supposed to do something on my birthday but I didn’t feel well at all.

I don’t have any pictures from 2007 and can’t even tell you what happened that year – I have no idea!

2008 – my 27th birthday – we had a meal with Jared’s parents …

Still feeling like absolute poo from my jaw – especially this time of year!

2009 – my 28th birthday – oh goodness!

This birthday is hard – I wanted to be pregnant on my 28th birthday so badly – my mom had me when she was 18 – I feel 10 years behind!

But seriously – it’s been a sad birthday since I wanted to be pregnant today.

This morning I did dishes and cut open my finger on my Captain Kirk glass and subsequently had to cancel my manicure – BOO!

I ran some errands and watched Indiana Jones – the newest one – ‘cus it is amazingly cheesetastic!

We went to dinner at the Chinese place tonight and saw Night at the Museum – and it has turned out to be an okay day!

Thanks to everyone for their birthday wishes!

Yesterday we had lunch with Jared’s parents and a little cake …

I still feel a little crappy this time of year with my arthritis in my jaw – but 100 times better than the past few birthdays!

THANKS AGAIN FOR ALL THE WISHES – I LOVE YOU ALL DEARLY!

Sunday night we hung out with some good friends and their puppy!

It’s a good thing we didn’t bring Schrute – he could have eaten this pup in one bite!

Thanks again Fitz family – we had such a great night with you!

We name our vehicles.

The Jeep is Chuck – after Chuck on Pushing Daisies.

The Stratus is Pam – after Pam on The Office.

They get jealous of one another …

As you may have noticed – I changed my header photo at the top of the website and the HOME page picture!

I have been using Tyler and Julie as my spokespeople since their wedding in August – I can’t thank them enough for being so beautiful and helping me book at least 12 of my other weddings in some way – whether word of mouth or their photos.

If you can’t see the new header – just refresh your browser!

And thanks to Renata and Matt – the new current faces of barden photography!

SHOOTSAC – not your average camera bag!

I also have the black cover that came with it and a cherry red cover!

I shot my engagement session with it today and LOVED it!

Makes life so much easier.

I have added a few new albums to the gallery – PROMOTIONAL – SPORTS SECTION – EXPECTING!

We went to my parents this weekend – I had a birthday party and four year pictures planned but the party ended up being a problem with photos and releases so we postponed the four year shoot for a few weeks.

Instead – I had a meeting with a wedding client – referred by the one and only Jenna V – who keeps me in business!

I booked the *T* wedding for 12.19.2009! Thanks again!

Jenna also won ANOTHER free photo session for a referral that booked!

I stopped at Peebles and got a few cute tops for weddings for the summer – Peebles is way too expensive but I love the clearance!

Jared finished The Shack and I started it – he loved it and I am still on the fence.

Schrute hung out with Jared and my parents on Saturday while I was meeting and shopping. I snapped these once I got home …

He is such a handsome boy!

I spent most of the weekend crying – I needed to be with my parents and talk to them about what has happened in our lives and why – of course there are no answers – but it was nice to be with them.

We went wedding dress shopping for my sister – she is getting married 9.12.2009 – mostly because it is the only fall date I have open other than Labor Day – but I will post those in a separate entry …

THANK YOU NATALIE STOVALL for making our week – probably our month!

Visit Natalie’s blog!

IT POURS …

Seems like since we have been back from Florida – and finding out we were pregnant – everything has been a struggle.

Between absolute unnecessary drama, photography mishaps, Schrute and his messes – to – finding out that we were having a miscarriage, my camera breaking, RITZ CAMERA being jerks about it, a dear friend getting into a serious car accident, my portfolio getting rained on …

It just never lets up …

The month of March is always a dreaded one for us. In March of 2004 we found out that Jared’s dad had Leukemia – March of 2006 is when my jaw pain started – March of 2008 my sister had a miscarriage within a week of Jared and I having one in March of this year.

We are so happy to be looking at the month of March in the rearview mirror!

Jared and I are doing okay – I had a little bit of a breakdown Friday night coming over to my parents. Since we found out about the miscarriage I haven’t really had a minute to breathe and think and take it all in totally.

Last Sunday I went to the nursery during church to see some sweet babies – I snatched up one of the sweeties and rocked him to sleep. Mandy – who has a little boy and is due in May with a little girl – was in there waiting to give me a hug. We have the same doctor in Sayre and she knows just how bad I have been wanting a baby. It was tough being in there – but at the same time I needed it.

On the way to my parents I just started crying – knowing that it’s still just not fair.

Like I said before – I know the answers to the questions – but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Why us?

How do we try this again?

What if we have another miscarriage?

How do we get excited about being pregnant again?

How do we go through it “alone” – since you more than likely won’t tell everyone this time?

If we have another baby – how do you not see the one that you miss every time you look at your child?

People say – at least you know you can get pregnant again. I think – Yes, I know that we can get pregnant again – but I was ready for little Enoch to be our child – I was ready to hold him when he got here – not someone else.

I miss him. I don’t know how to get over those feelings.

I don’t know how to not choke up every time I see a baby or hold a little child’s hand.

I don’t know how to shake the feeling that someone is missing from our little family. I don’t know how to make the hurt in my heart go away.

Jared and I talked about the loneliness that we both feel – although we are surrounded by love and prayers – we still feel alone and lost sometimes.

I know that God is near – I know that He is in control – but there are times when it is hard to be strong.