I missed my high school reunion – 10 years! My sister got married on the same evening as the reunion and even though I tried to do everything at the wedding – making the reunion wasn’t going to happen.

I can’t believe that 10 years has FLOWN by!

Ten years ago I was in Philadelphia – having a God appointment and not fully realizing why I was there until now!

When I went away to college – I had never been away from my family. Samm and I were very close and I was not doing well without her – without my mom and dad and brother. Without being in control over what they were or weren’t doing (I wrote about those control issues earlier).

I cried everyday – I called home everyday – I packed up everything and called my parents to come get me. My dad told me that if he came to get me and I quit college that he was putting me at the end of the line – Samm and Derek would get a chance first THEN I could have mine back – but I was paying back the loan they took out – and when/if I needed financial help- I was out of luck. I was FURIOUS with him – how could he do that to me? Didn’t he love me?

My mom called the school counselor – and made an appt for me – which I was NOT HAPPY about! I didn’t need counseling – I didn’t need to talk to anyone – I needed to COME HOME.

I went to the appt and continued to see her until I left that December. We talked about my fears – my control issues – my need to fix – and I learned SO MUCH about myself that semester!

I talked with my dad and we agreed that I would transfer to Mansfield in the spring – and the rest is history.

While I was in Phillie my RA Trudy befriended me. It was bittersweet to leave in December having made such a GREAT friend! We stayed in touch via email (if you know me you know that I am not a good phone person) and IM – THANK GOD FOR TECHNOLOGY! That summer she called me and wanted to know about Jesus – she had read the Left Behind series and needed to know more – and I explained to her what she needed to do – what Jesus wants ALL of us to do – and she became a sister in Christ! I knew that I was in Phillie for a reason – we needed to meet – she was my God appointment. Trudy was in my wedding and we have made it a point to visit at least once a year.

It never occured to me that yet another God appointment had been made while I was in Phillie – waiting for 10 years!

Jared and I know a girl who started college this year.

The same college I went to ten years ago.

The same major I chose ten years ago.

The same dorm hall I lived in ten years ago.

The same week I started ten years ago.

This girl called me a few weeks ago – and it was one of the most exciting, yet eeriest, moments of my life.

I felt like someone was playing a tape recording of myself exactly ten years ago back in my ear. She had the same fears, the same reservations, the same concerns that I had. Ten years ago.

We talked about the decision I had made – the fears I had in making that decision.

I decided to change my major and transfer – come home. She asked if I regretted my decision. I told her that there are times I would like to look into an alternate universe where I had chosen to stay and stick with my major – but I don’t regret it. If I hadn’t made that choice – I wouldn’t have been talking to her on the phone at that very moment. Would I be a photographer? Would I be married to Jared? Would Trudy have accepted Christ? I don’t know. I know that it would be different.

I told her that I didn’t regret that decision. I told her that she was not giving up – just changing direction. I told her that God has a plan and purpose for her life and she needs to seek Him in this decision. That He will provide for her.

We hung up and I sat shocked – still hearing my own voice in my head from ten years ago. Taking me right back to that day and that feeling and that fear. And listening to my own words that God has a plan and a purpose. And that even now – 10 years later – I am fully knowing why I was in Philadelphia – why I had a God appointment.

And how God is never late in keeping those appointments!

Hi. My name is Danielle. And I am a control freak.

I know that we all have our “things” but mine is being in control.

When I was in high school I would write my notes over and over again until they were perfect – no smudges – no misspellings – PERFECT!

When I was in college I freaked out my freshman year – I went to Philadelphia University – and didn’t have my nose in everyone’s happenings back home – losing control.

When Jared and I met in college – I was pining after a different guy (and it was going to happen ‘cus I was in control) – and Jared threw me off course.

After Jared and I were married I had the hours cut at my job – out of my control. Six months after that – Jared lost his job – out of our control. We moved in with his parents for a few months – then my pain started – my jaw pain that consumed my entire life – out of my control.

BARDEN PHOTOGRAPHY – something that was in my control – something that I wanted to happen – so I worked hard to make it happen – YAY CONTROL!

Then we got pregnant – we were trying – it happened really quickly – not exactly my plan but it still worked. Then we were told we were having a miscarriage and there was nothing I could do to control that. Nothing I could do to stop it.

God and I are back on friendly terms – and when I say God and I – I mean me ‘cus God was and IS always on friendly terms. I was very angry with Him – we talked about it and I asked – pleaded – for His forgiveness.

I am slowly understanding that God didn’t make this happen – yes He could have stopped it – but this happened nonetheless. And again God is whispering – HA – SHOUTING – in my ear – YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL!

A few people have asked – are you trying again? If it were completely up to me – I would never try again – I am BEYOND TERRIFIED about being pregnant ever again. BUT – I am also BEYOND TERRIFIED over the thought of never having a child. So you just do – you just breathe – you just give up control – which I am working on.

We have been trying since it happened – and nothing. Every month – nothing. And everyday I learn of just one more person that is blessed with a child – one more person that is holding onto my dream.

Aren’t you going to track your dates and see when you are most likely to get pregnant? I WOULD LOVE TO! But that would mean that I have some sort of control – some sort of say in when this happens.

I have compromised with God – we shook on it – He has given me a deadline of – if you are not pregnant by …… – you may track your days – you can have some sort of control back – but right now – you need to know that I am in control.

So – I am doing better – I don’t cry every day – I still feel that pang in my heart when I see a pregnant belly or a sweet child – but I am doing better. I am learning to trust Him. I am realizing that I am not in control.

That He is in control. That He loves us. That He loves me.

I have new pricing options!

I am still working on a price list for all the products that we will have to offer – but you can check out the new prices on the pricing page!

I will be changing my packages and pricing soon – hopefully to be effective 9.1.2009!

Just wanted to give everyone a heads up!

I very rarely get photos of myself – mostly because I am the one behind the camera – and I just don’t like it!

This shows the purple better!

SISTERS!

And one more of Samm and *V*!

I LOVE MY FAMILY!

The world is turning in front of me and sometimes it’s hard for me to let go
My flesh begins to rise and then I find out there’s things I don’t know
I’m standing here but no one cares, I’m crying out but no one is there
And I am me but who am I and will I ever find the reason (for life)

But I see you there, Your arms around me, Your arms around me
And I have no fear, You’re all around me, You’re all around me
You’re all around

On this earth people live and die, wondering why (I wonder why)
They go through life feeling lost, never knowing who paid the cost
Lord give me the strength to find the faith in this world
Help them to see the light in me, even though I’m so afraid (of it all)

And I am so afraid, then I remember the price You paid

The Reason – Larue

When I was going through my jaw pain I sought God’s face – I cried out to Him.

I attached myself to Psalm 46 –

God is our refuge and strength. An ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. Though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God. That Holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her. She will not fall. God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall. He lifts His voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I memorized that verse and spoke it over and over and over …

I have always been a comfortable Christian – having my jaw pain took my out of the box with God. I still don’t understand why I had to go through my jaw pain to become closer to God – but I did.

When we first had our miscarriage I had a positive outlook.

I would like to know where that girl went!

Jared has been really worried about me lately – to tell you the truth I have been worried about me lately.

I am angry – completely and totally angry. I am having a hard time having a conversation with God without blaming Him – for everything.

As “fate” would have it – I have been emailing with a client who is pregnant and due in October – the month we were due. She will be getting newborn photos once her little sweetness arrives. She used to attend the church that I grew up in and we came to know each other through another client. She has been sharing her experience with me – and praying with me. She sent me an address for a blog that she thought might help to read – www.joshandcali.blogspot.com.

This paragraph spoke to me –

“We can ask “why?” and “if only…” all we want, but it won’t change the reality that Mac just wasn’t meant to stay with us. No matter what would have happened differently, the outcome would have remained the same. God does not make mistakes. Mac was simply not meant to be here. He was too perfect to stay. His spirit was so pure that he had to be called home before enduring the trials and pains of this world. He fulfilled his earthly mission in the short time he was here and has returned to his heavenly home.”

I am asking why. I am asking “if only”. But those questions don’t change the fact that Enoch isn’t here and wasn’t meant to stay here – as much as it hurts. God gives us children for a period – they are not ours. Enoch is RESTING in the arms of His Heavenly Father – with no pain – no hurt – no trials.

I have never had my faith shaken like it is right now. I want to believe that God has a plan but it is hard to know that THIS would fit into it. I want to believe that God loves me – but why am I going through this? I want to believe that I can be strong and watch my friends have babies in the same month that I was supposed to be having a baby – but I don’t know how.

I am still terrified about being pregnant again – I am setting myself up for the worst because it is all I know. My dear friend Jenna – who is pregnant again with her second sweetness – gave me the reality check I needed this morning. She told me everyone deals with their own fears. Jenna was home with a newborn while her hubby was serving our country overseas. She is nearly 10 years younger than me and a woman of God that I admire greatly. I haven’t been there for her lately because it hurts. I needed that conversation today. THANK YOU JENNA.

I need to believe that God hears me – that He loves me – that He cares for me – that He has a plan for great and wonderful things for me – for us. Typing those words are so hard right now. But I know that I have to believe them – if God isn’t who He says He is – then where are we?

I feel like I have had the joy and happiness sucked out and placed in a jar. That jar sits on a shelf high in our house that I can see but can’t reach. I don’t know how to get it back. I don’t even know where to start.

Tonight I am making Jared start a new book with me – WHAT TO DO ON THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE – my brother and his wife got it for us in May and I just haven’t wanted to open it – because it will say the things I already know.

My sister is getting married on 9.12.2009 – and I am so excited!

She came for a visit this week and I got some shots of her with my new birdcage veil.

This last shot is my favorite!

She always was the pretty one …

We are leaving today for KT & Chase’s wedding!

We are dropping off Schrute with my parents then heading to Ithaca for the rehearsal dinner. We are going to hang out with KT and Chase tonight and then stay with KT’s sweet Gramma!

Tomorrow I am going to the salon with KT and then it’s PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES!

Sunday morning we are going to brunch with the family and then heading back to get Schrute and heading back home – hopefully in time to make the princess party with Ella and her sisters!

Right now I have 13 blogs waiting to be posted – so that will happen next week too!

It has been a little over 5 years since Jared and I said our vows.

I don’t have any close up shots of our rings from that day – five years later they look a tad worn!

but still beautiful!

I can’t believe it has been 5 years! I love you Jared!

My cousins were home from Illinois this past weekend – my schedule on Friday was busy busy busy – I had an engagement session in Corning @ 11 – stopped by a fellow photog’s new studio – ate lunch at Panera Bread (my first time) – stopped by the pet  store and Rue 21 – met Samm at the flower shop (finally deciding on the flowers) – went to the hospital to see Heather and her new baby – met with a bride and groom to go over the details of their upcoming wedding – stopped home to get in a hayride and some family time before heading back to Mansfield @ 9.

I caught some photos of the places I want to take Samm’s wedding pictures –

I LOVE this tree!

LOVE IT – can’t wait to take pictures at Samm’s wedding!

My cousin Matt – he is the big brother I never had – I love him dearly!

The usual when you are at a Trout family function!