ON A PERSONAL NOTE
It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and written a blog. I don’t have time. I have a wedding every Saturday and then at least 3 sessions a week – minimum. Right now – my blog is 4 weeks behind my schedule. I’ve thought about just blogging every other session or just using 3 or 4 pictures in each post. I can’t bring myself to it! I love all my clients and sessions and can’t bear NOT showing them to you!
It’s been an amazing 2010 for barden photography! I cannot believe the support, love, and encouragement you have all shown me! I can’t stress enough how much I love ALL of you and what you mean to me!
We are still trying to get pregnant. I am still confused and angry. I have at least 5 inquiries a week about newborn or maternity sessions. Every other day I find out about someone else being pregnant. Jared asked me the other day why I take the newborn and maternity sessions when they hurt my heart so much. i do it because I LOVE newborn and maternity sessions. Babies are such amazing miracles and capturing a woman’s body while that miracle grows inside her – just gives me chills. It’s amazing! I also choose not to refer them to someone else because I need to be joyful and happy about their blessing. I am so very angry with people that are pregnant – it’s nothing personal – just in general. I pray that God has children in our future – a pregnancy for me – in the future – but He might not. And if He doesn’t – I don’t want to live in anger all my life. I want to be happy for those people being blessed with a child. I want to be happy around those beautiful babies!
At our last appointment – almost 3 months ago now – we found out that Jared has a low count – bordering on infertile. My cycle is like clockwork but that isn’t helping. I’ve stopped the charting, the temperatures, any kind of control I have or had in the situation. Having control makes me stress out more that it’s not happening when I want it to.
I want to be a mother right now. I’ve wanted to be a mother since I can remember. I don’t know if I’ve written this before but when I graduated high school I was so upset that I would have to go to college cus I was supposed to get married and have babies – lots of them. Sometimes I guilt myself into thinking that if we would have never gone on birth control – then we would have babies – we might have a 5 year old today. Was it my fault – our selfishness?
Waiting and wondering is the hard part – and hoping. I feel that God is ignoring me – has pushed me to the side – marked me in his memo book to reply at a later date – if He remembers. I KNOW this is not true – but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way. Sometimes I feel like I’m at the middle of a tug of war with satan and God – and I’m screaming out – asking God to just pull me over the line to His side – but He just leaves me there in the middle of the tug.
I don’t understand why I’m watching so many people being blessed with pregnancy – and yet here we are – waiting and hoping.
I’ve had many people write to me on FACEBOOK or email me and tell me that my blog has helped them through their own loss or to better understand a family member that went through a loss like this. It means so much that this experience is helping others to cope – that I can help with an outlet for their own grief and anger. People have emailed me and asked me how I can be so strong in my faith – I wonder if they are looking at the same person I am looking at in the mirror. I feel like I am getting weaker by the day. It’s been over a year and a half since we started trying – including getting pregnant and having our miscarriage. I wonder how I can get through the next month and then realize that I’ve gotten through the last year and half – only by the grace of God.
My brother and his wife Jessica just announced they are pregnant – 10 weeks. They posted an ultrasound picture on FACEBOOK – their precious miracle. 10 weeks is when we lost Enoch and looking at that US picture and knowing that is what I was hoping to see – breaks my heart. It is the strangest and most complicated emotion I have ever felt. I am so incredibly happy for my brother and his wife – to be an aunt to this sweet baby. I am so sad that it isn’t us. I am so confused and don’t understand why it isn’t us – why we couldn’t have news together – why I’m not holding my 9 month old baby and my sister’s 21 month old baby – waiting for their cousin to join the world. Instead – Samm and I have babies holding each other’s hands in heaven.
Our options are to wait – to go ahead with IUI and if that doesn’t work – in vitro. I am praying that God would lead us in the right direction – that He would show us the way. Like I said – I feel like He doesn’t speak to me on this topic – I have no idea what He wants for us – what we should do. I believe that if God has a baby in store for us – He can make that happen. It’s if He does or not. I’m praying that if He does – He will calm my heart – give us peace – and if He doesn’t – He will take this desire from me.
I am trying to enjoy life for what it is instead of worrying about what it isn’t. I wake up thinking about babies and go to sleep thinking about babies. I see babies in my job, at church, at WAL*MART, everywhere.
Thank you all for praying for us and encouraging us. We love you. so. much.
