Today is Thursday – September 13th. Your due date was today. We should have been in the hospital – looking down at your sweet face. Marveling over your tiny hands and how much you look like your brother. Wondering what color your eyes would be – if you would have blonde hair like Fitzy. Announcing your name to everyone and watching their reactions over this tiny miracle.

Instead – you are celebrating in heaven with your older and younger brother. Enoch and Lewis are holding your hand. Everything happens for a reason. If we hadn’t lost you – we wouldn’t have baby Lewis – but we won’t get to hold him either. You are at peace and surrounded by love and joy. I imagine that you dance and clap your hands like Fitzy does when he hears worship music – that you follow Jesus around just to be near Him. I doubt that in heaven you even have time to think about us – but I imagine you do.

This has been the hardest year of our lives – and there have been some pretty hard ones. When we found out about you we were so shocked and thankful. The day I started bleeding – I knew I was losing you. I held onto Fitzy and cried. I prayed for you to stay – but soon my prayers changed. I prayed for strength to handle this life without you. The strength I would need in knowing that I wouldn’t see your face for a long time. I wouldn’t hold you. I wouldn’t hear your cries and your laughter. I wouldn’t listen to you say mama. I wouldn’t watch you grow. I wouldn’t cry as your dad danced with you at your wedding. I wouldn’t marvel over your babies one day. I prayed for the strength I would need in knowing that one more time I would have to say goodbye to one of my babies.

It was really hard. Our reactions surprised us – shook us to our very cores. We lost hope. We were angry that Jesus was dancing with you and we wouldn’t be. We had been through this before – and while that made it a little easier to swallow – we still felt numb. We still feel numb sometimes. People ask me if Fitzy is our only. Sometimes I say yes. Sometimes I say no. I don’t like to make people uncomfortable – but I want them to know that we didn’t forget about you. I want the world to know that I am a mother of four – while I only hold one.

I don’t want YOU to think we have forgotten you. Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy – for laughing and smiling. For enjoying life – because you are not here. It’s not fair.

But it is beautiful. Because you are surrounded by love. You are surrounded by beauty.

JC – I miss you more than you could ever know. I have friends that are having babies just days from your birthday. I don’t know how I’m going to see them. I don’t know how I’m going to look at their babies and feel joy and not jealousy. I don’t know why you came to us for such a short time – but we are blessed to call you our daughter. Fitzy would love you so much.

Happy birthday baby girl.

Our friends Darrin & Krista moved away several years ago – we miss them! We shared the same love of television and Krista LOVES to cook while I LOVE to buy things to cook!

They were visiting family in August and stopped up so our baby boys could meet! They are only 5 days apart!

HOW CUTE ARE THEY!

It was SO good to see you guys!

Dear Fitzy –

Exactly two years ago – we took a test. A test that tested our faith. A test that showed us the true meaning of a miracle – even though we didn’t know the extent of that miracle at the time. A test that answered our prayers. A test that changed our lives. Forever.

Today is your aunt Samantha’s birthday – as fate would have it. You are so blessed with so many people that love you. We are so blessed with YOU.

You make me smile every day. Your laugh is the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. You are so good at letting us know what you want. You are sleeping better (which I hate to announce for fear of jinxing myself – and since I wrote this a week ago – I have) and you love to eat!

You are starting to run and love to climb on EVERYTHING!

OH MY HEART!

We love you so much!

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” – Westly to Buttercup in The Princess Bride – one of my favorite lines ever.

My biggest obstacle in all this is accepting – plain and simple – that life’s not fair. It’s really hard to get over – especially this time.

People ask all the time – oh you only have one child – you HAVE to have more – you know that right? When are you gonna have more?

What I would like to say is this – if it were only that easy. I would love to just decide to get pregnant this month and BAM! – it happens. But it doesn’t work that way – at least not for us. Maybe for you – maybe for people you know. But not us.

What I’ve been saying is this – well – we’ve had three miscarriages – two since Fitzy was born – so I have no idea. It’s uncomfortable. It’s weird. But I don’t know what else to say without being very sarcastic and mean.

Jealousy is the big thing right now. I am so angry and jealous at anyone who has more than one baby – even some that have “just” one. I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for some and so “easy” for others – i say “easy” because I’ve been accused of not knowing the situation and jumping to conclusions that it was “easy” for someone. In my parents case – my dad pretty much just had to look at my mom and she got pregnant. No scary pregnancies. No longing for a child. No wondering if it would all be okay. So for some people – I know it’s easy. And that makes me so jealous. Why us?

Right now – I prefer to just stay at home and not be out. Not have to answer the hard questions – not on my part – I don’t care. But people get uncomfortable. Thankfully I have friends that make sure I see them and stop by – unannounced even.

Last week I wanted to just have surgery. Make it so that we can’t get pregnant anymore – so we don’t experience this heartache anymore. There is still part of me that thinks we should. But it’s an emotional response and one I just ultimately can’t do. In a year we will look at our lives and see where we are. Pray that God would maybe sorta kinda reveal a little bit of His plan for our lives and what we should be doing – what He has for us.

But life is pain. It’s gonna happen and it’s gonna happen over and over – maybe not the same pain – but pain nonetheless.

So I enjoy my beautifully painful life. Sometimes it’s hard – but I will. I enjoy this baby that God has blessed us with and the time we have with just him.

Thank you so much for praying – for texting – for messaging – for loving.

Please remember to pray for those I know – you know – the people you don’t know – that desire to be parents. Pray that God would calm their hearts and answer their prayers – with a YES – because while I sometimes think prayer is useless – sometimes I don’t.

Before you read this devotional from Ron Hutchcraft – make sure you read the blog I wrote last night.

And then imagine my face when I opened this in my email this morning.

WAITING FOR THE BABY

RON HUTCHCRAFT – A WORD WITH YOU

FRIDAY – AUGUST 10, 2012

I’m the oldest of three. I have a sister and a brother. Growing up – someone was ALWAYS left out – usually me or Derek. I always said that I would never have an odd number of children – cus someone is always left out!

When Jared and I were first dating – I made some smart remark about how I would NEVER have an only child. His mom – who is sweeter than candy – set me straight. She said – oh we wanted more – and tried – but God only gave us Jared. I was quick to not make that remark again.

You never know what people are going through. You don’t know the story behind their lives. But the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. No matter what.

I’ve always wanted 4 kids. I even had names – of course it would have been 2 boys (Christopher William and Andrew Scott) and 2 girls (Bailey Russell and Sierra Alexis) – yea – I totally remember. But I was totally gonna start having them RIGHT after high school – with my husband that I met in high school. Right. That happened. After having Fitzy – I rethought my 4 kids plan. Dude – it’s hard work. FOUR? All by myself during the day. Heck. That’s crazy! And I am starting at 30 and not 18 like I planned. So in my current reality – 2 is a great number for us. But in my dream world of being a mom at 18 and done at 24 with 4 kids – heavenly!

I realized today as the doctor told me there was no heartbeat for our little baby – our number four – that I am a momma of 4. I’m just gonna have to wait till heaven to meet the other 3.

Here’s the thing. I’m tired. We are tired. I’m broken. I feel defeated.

INSERT WARNING – if you don’t want to hear me whine a little (or a lot) stop reading. If you don’t wanna hear me say that I am doubting a few things – stop reading. If you insist on telling me that God does have a plan for my life and He IS in control – I KNOW THAT – stop reading. This blog entry isn’t gonna be about soft kittens that poop rainbows. It’s gonna be about raw hurt and emotions. So if you can’t handle that – seriously. Stop reading. 

Anyway – I feel defeated. Like I said in my previous post. It’s not fair. I’m sad. It’s not fair that we don’t get to enjoy pregnancy. It’s not fair that I’m always wondering in the back of my mind if something is wrong. It’s exhausting. I see my friends have baby after baby and talk about how babies are fruit of the womb and gifts from God. Why are our babies being taken away? Am I doing something wrong? Cus then I get all judgmental and think – well I know what this chick does in her free time and she’s got 5 or 6. How on earth does God’s plan include losing babies – what good is that gonna give me? Like I said – I know that His plan is perfect and wonderful. But tell me how THIS is perfect and wonderful. And yes – I know that we can’t see it. But you can’t tell me that you don’t want to? That you don’t want to know?

Why is it that 2012 has already SUCKED bad enough and now this? We started out the year losing a baby – which would have been born next month – and in that span have already lost another? Why is it that we can’t sell our house? Why did we have to go through the roughest patch in our marriage? We could have bought – but we didn’t. It would have been foolish – so we listened to God. And here we are – still stuck. We forgave and loved – to be welcomed by this hurt? I know – I know – WOE IS ME. Yes. I have a BEAUTIFUL baby boy – an absolute miracle (which if I never thought he was – I sure do now). I have a great husband who loves me and cries with me and puts up with me and puts up with me – did I say that? I have a family who is awesome – a roof over my head – a great job that I’m great at.

BUT – dang it – I’m mad. And sad. And angry. And jealous. And forgotten. Have you ever felt forgotten? If you are a girl and you were a teenager at some point – I KNOW you have. I just feel shoved to the side. I feel like I am watching all these people around me – revel in their blessings and happiness and here we are – barely hanging on.

I don’t doubt that God loves me. I don’t doubt for one SECOND that Jesus died for me (and you). There are a few things I’m unsure of – but I just don’t know if this is the place. I’ve got enough stuff going on right now. And I don’t doubt His plan for our lives. I’m just not sure what the WHAT He’s thinking.

When we lost Enoch in 2009 – it started a connection with people I would have never met. That was beautiful and I now see the beauty from pain. But couldn’t it have happened another way? Did I have to lose a baby for those connections to happen?

What the heck – I’m just gonna say it. Sometimes – I think it’s useless to pray. I’ll get crap for that one – don’t worry. But I’m serious. Here’s the thing. People – LOTS of people prayed for our little baby this week – prayed for a MIRACLE. And it didn’t happen. Our little babe didn’t hold on and beat the odds – despite HOURS of praying.

In 2011 – I prayed for 5 certain families to get pregnant and have babies. All 5 of them did. Within two months of each other. I just looked up the meanings of their names – this is crazy.

A – fiery. C – from the heavens. E – the Lord is my God. J – fire of the Lord. E – the Lord is my God. See the similarities? I don’t believe in coincidences.

Did my praying aid in all that? I’m not saying – oh look at me – I’m magical and have a special connection with God – cus He totally answered my prayer and then blew my mind about it. But guess what – I am His child and I do have a relationship with Him – and in that – the power of Jesus. So if you give me this situation – I would argue that prayer KICKS BUTT.

Why not in ours? Why are we grieving. Again. Why have 3 out of my 4 babies been taken to heaven? With other miscarriages – I was so thankful that I never had to see a baby on a screen and see a heart beat and then say goodbye. Why did that happen this time? Why did I have to see that sweet one and see it’s heart beat only to find out that it’s not meant to be?

Ugh. So many emotions. I could type all night.

I leave you with this. Jared and I had agreed before we got pregnant this time that the next time would be the last. We couldn’t go through another miscarriage. Just couldn’t – and here we are. Going through it. I can’t do this again. I feel like – I can take a hint. It’s not working. I asked for a baby. God – please give me a baby. And I have one. He is gorgeous and amazing. When we were trying for 18 months – I was MISERABLE. I was angry and preoccupied. Babies were ALL I thought about. I buried myself in my work. I don’t want to be that person again. I have a sweet boy to love and enjoy and I don’t want to miss out on that because I’m so consumed with wanting another baby. Our doctor asked if I wanted to be referred to the fertility specialists in Danville – cus now they can say something is obviously wrong that I can’t carry a baby past 8 weeks. Even though I did. Once. So please pray for our happiness. That I would be happy in knowing that Fitzy is our only one. I want to be happy in that and enjoy this miracle we were blessed with. While we wait to see the other 3.

Dearest Fitzgerald –

You are such a happy baby – from the moment you wake up until you ask to go to sleep! You still don’t sleep well – but I’m kind of – sort of – maybe – holding onto hope that you might? You walk now. You talk. You say dada – mom – book – ball – hot – yuck – bock bock – moo – vroom – and tell us all sorts of stories that we can’t comprehend! You have 6 teeth and curly blonde hair. You LOVE to be in the water and on the farm! You give momma kisses and hug me ever so tight. Lately I’ve just been crying in the middle of the day when I look at you. You are a beautiful miracle and you bless (and challenge) my life every day! I love you!

We visited G and G Trout for a week in July – and you would have stayed with the chickens all day if we let you!

On your 15 month birthday (yes – your momma is kinda crazy) I took you out around the house for some pictures!

You were bock-bocking like a chicken here!

You’ve grown to love your little hats! Which I LOVE!

OH MY HEART!

Fitzy – you are such a joy and we love you SO much! You were born for such a time as THIS! I can’t wait to see the great things that God will do through you!

I have so much running through my mind. So many things I want to say and get out. This may be scattered – but I need to write.

Our doctor called today – on a Saturday – to talk to us about our ultrasound. He asked if I was bleeding yet. Yet. That word stuck out to me. I told him no. He said that the heartbeat looked slower than they would like to see. There was a tear and some bleeding under the sac. He didn’t want to give up hope – but …

It sucks. It hurts. I’m so sad. I’m not really angry anymore – I was the first time – for a LONG time. I was very angry at God. How could He. We’ve been nothing but good followers of Him – and this is what we get? We deserve better – we deserved a baby – we deserved to NOT lose a baby. It took me a long time to get over this. A long time.

When we got pregnant with Fitzy – I had given up hope. I had decided that Jared and I were gonna be fine with just the two of us – maybe I preferred it actually. Besides – we had Schrute and barden photography was booming – those would be my babies. Then out of nowhere – BAM. We get pregnant in the exact month I had told God that I could not get pregnant in. I was gonna go to Texas to shoot a wedding May 1st. Fitzy was born April 28th. Other than a little placenta previa – I had a perfect pregnancy. Morning sickness – sure. But that was pretty much it. And as far as deliveries go – it really was quick and kinda sorta as easy as it can kinda be? Other than the whole sleeping thing – he is a perfect and wonderful and happy and beautiful miracle in our lives. One that I never thought would be here.

Even as I sit here typing – I look at his perfect little face and can’t believe that he kinda belongs to us. That God loaned this miracle of a child to us. He trusted. Us.

So – again. I’m here with tears streaming down my face. Preparing myself to say goodbye to yet another baby that I won’t hold in this lifetime. I know what you’re saying – don’t give up so easily Danielle. I’m not. Really. But I’m a realist. I’m a “life is pain” kinda person. I get it. Life sucks sometimes. It is in no way fair. I prepare for the worst and then I am pretty happy in life when it’s NOT the worst.

Do I believe in miracles? Yes. ABSOLUTELY.

Do I feel that way that I felt with Fitzy this pregnancy. No. I had the migraines – but two or three of those were before I was even pregnant. I haven’t been sick. I’ve been exhausted – but I have a child who only needs the BARE minimum of sleep to get by and a ton of work to do. I’ve been really crampy – and not the crampy I was with Fitzy. I’ve been cautious. It’s the only way I know how to be.

Seeing that ultrasound yesterday eased my worries – but I would be lying if I told you I felt great afterwards. I was still cautious. I felt better – but not the best.

I’m sad. I’m just sad. Sad that we can’t enjoy pregnancy. Sad that we are always wondering and waiting – will it be like last time? Sad that I have friends I need to be happy for (call me selfish – that’s fine). Sad that all day long I think – wait – what was that? Am I bleeding now? Just sad.

I have no idea if any of this made sense. Blerg. I know that some of you out there might be reading this and thinking – hey Danielle – where’s your God now?

Oh – He’s here. And He loves me. And He loves Jared. And He loves Fitzy. And He loves this little baby struggling to hold on. Just because I’ve decided to love God and follow Him – doesn’t mean that life is easy – in my opinion it’s SO MUCH HARDER than choosing not to. I’ve written before that Jared and I have been through what most married people don’t go through in 16 years of marriage in just half that. It hasn’t been easy. But it would be MUCH harder without God.

So – thanks to all of you praying. Thanks to all of you holding us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

This morning we had an ultrasound.

I thought I was about 8 weeks along – turns out – not so much. The tech figured about 6 weeks and 4 days.

Either way – we got to see a teeny baby!

I saw a little heartbeat on the screen and my heart skipped a beat! That baby is TEENY TINY and it has a heartbeat already! God is SO good!

When it does come time to reveal whether baby is a boy or a girl – the name will be kept a secret this time – considering all the grief we got with Fitzy!

I have been so cautious and preparing myself for the worst – it’s nice to breathe a little easier!

Keep those prayers coming for a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy – I appreciate you all SO MUCH!

In light of our family growing – another change has to be made.

I HAVE to cut back on photography. HAVE TO.

That being said – I will not be taking clients during the months of March – April – May – June of 2013. UNLESS we already have your wedding scheduled OR you are a baby package client that needs photos during one of those months – in which case I hope to connect with you today!

I will ONLY be taking portrait sessions from current clients – any new clients that contact me I will refer to some AMAZING local photographers that I know! With the exceptions of seniors and new babies – but those will be VERY limited! It’s really hard for me to say no – but I’m gonna have to start. I can do 1 wedding a month and no more than 5 sessions a month.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job – but like I’ve said before – I love my family more and with another sweet baby – I need to prioritize my life!

THANK YOU AGAIN for all your support and prayers and love!

Fitzy is AMAZING! He is so smart and joyful! He isn’t walking by himself yet – and I tend to compare to everyone else and wonder why he is so far behind – but crawling gets him there faster!

He knows where is nose and his ears and belly button are – and LOVES looking for YOUR belly button too!

He says ball and dada and mama and book and baba and a few more! He loves to shake his head no and wave his arms when he means yes! He LOVES to be in the water and looks forward to his morning bath in the sink!

He LOVES to look through all his books before we get out of bed in the morning!

He has two more teeth coming in on top!

I LOVE THAT FACE!

LOOK AT THOSE TEETH! My mom has a picture of me like this – we look SO much alike!

The past month has been so busy – crazy with weddings and photography and conferences and plans and just life in general!

I’ve been having migraines (which I was pretty much over) about every week or so the last month and I told Jared – after the 4th one in 3 weeks – that I must be pregnant.

When I was pregnant the first time in 2009 – I didn’t have any symptoms. When I was pregnant with Fitzy – I had migraines and morning sickness and was SO tired. When I was pregnant this January – I didn’t have any symptoms – which is how I knew that we would be miscarrying.

Well – I took a test and had an appointment this morning – and the results are in!

We are pregnant!

I’m excited and scared. Mostly scared. This is our 4th pregnancy with 2 out of 3 ending in miscarriage. If we have another miscarriage – we are done. It’s too hurtful and emotionally taxing. I’ve been a little crampy and then remembered that I was with Fitzy in the early early weeks.

This baby would be due March 19th. Our first miscarriage was March 17th. So – I’m praying that this baby is intended for our arms and will complete our little family!

We are sharing so early because we covet your prayers! Pray that this little baby is healthy and comfy in my belly. Pray that we could be excited and not spend our days in worry.

And pray that those women and men out there crying out for babies of their own have their miracles!