We were with my parents for Fitzy’s birthday. He requested eggs for breakfast.

So he got eggs. Of course. I say that jokingly – he really isn’t a spoiled child. Except with love. Just a good one. He is helpful and excited and appreciative.

He loves to help feed the baby cows – so we fed the baby cows.

And sat on Pa’s shoulders.

Oh that face – that chubby little face – it’s changing. Too quickly. I could have edited out the spots on his face. The red and the dirt. But I wanted to remember that moment just as it was. Perfect.

He was NOT in a picture mood that day – but I took some anyway.

Truly my FAVORITE pictures EVER. Oh – that smile and that laugh. And he just adores his Gramma. Both of them!

This was his – I’m serious momma – NO MORE PICTURES – face.

We went to the airport to pick up Jared’s parents and all ate brunch with my parents at Friendly’s for his birthday. He wasn’t too excited. The fountain at the mall was much more interesting. Fitzy was MORE than excited to spend the afternoon with Gramma Barden – since they had been gone for two weeks! He went to sleep at 5.30 that night – with a little stirring here and there – but slept till 5.30 the next morning! Living on the farm TIRES HIM OUT – but he loves it!

On Tuesday – the 30th – Gramma Barden made a little cake for our new two year old!

And I discovered that he can drink out of a cup. WHAT! I had no idea!

He LOVED blowing out the candles – he talked about it for days!

Cards and some presents – a puzzle and a train – perfect for Fitzy!

He’s in LOVE with his numbers puzzle! He carries around his birthday cards proudly!

Fitzy’s birthday party will be at my parents at the end of May – so until then – this was a wonderful way to celebrate our favorite little boy!

March 21st of 2013 THURSDAY

On August 24th of 2010 – I posted this – where I said – 

On March 28th of this year (2010) – Jared’s mom was given a word in church. That our children would rise up like mighty oaks. Our children. (Jared’s mom also told me that she saw me pregnant at the beach on our yearly vacation)

On April 11th of this year (2010) – Dave (Fitzgerald) called us again with a word for us. We would have children. Lots of them – running around in our yard – jumping on trampolines – and they would be our biological children – they would all look like Jared. (six months before I quit my job at Phoenix – Dave called and said – God wants me to tell you that your photography business is going to be crazy successful – more than you ever dreamed – you will be able to do it full-time)

On August 15th of this year (2010) – we met with our Pastor – because I am angry, tired, sad, and weary. He told us that God has children for us – our biological children. But first we must open our hearts to the notion of taking in a child that is not ours – biologically.

And on September 8th of 2012 – Dave Fitzgerald texted THIS to us –

You will get pregnant again. And even though you will default in your minds that you will probably miscarry – oh no. You will have a healthy child – possibly twins! It will be huge and massive BUT you must keep it to yourselves and announce at the END of the first trimester. This is a promise from God. God is NOT done with you. He’s just starting. You need to tuck this word on your hearts and cover it. It will be a massive testimony and will restore relationships, friendships, and family ties in ways you never thought possible. It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy. BUT you MUST NOT announce it until the end of the 1st trimester. Not even to close friends or family. YOU MUST WAIT!

I honestly feel stronger about this than the word I gave you for Fitzy! You can’t even tell me when you first find out – I will already know. You can’t tell ANYONE! BELIEVE IT! RECEIVE IT! ACT! God is good and will be massively glorified through it. Save these messages for confirmation and documentation. Not for me – but so that we can honor Christ Jesus & God’s ridiculous faithfulness. He is good. He is really REALLY good!

I saved it on my phone. And then wrote it all down today. There is a part I left out – about a name – because we may not tell this time. Although – if you know me – that will be REALLY REALLY hard!

I was supposed to start my period on Tuesday – it’s Thursday. And I’m one of those girls that have ALWAYS been 28 days.

I wrote this – on March 8th of 2013 – where I said –

Today – I’m not sad. I haven’t been sad about not having another baby for about a week now. That’s a HUGE step for me. I am finally letting the peace that God has given me about our decision take over – instead of fighting it. Fighting it because we should have 3 more. I’m feeling peace instead of being angry and hurt. Instead of wondering why me and why NOT me at the same time. It’s awesome. And I finally don’t feel guilty saying that.

Our decision was to go back on birth control and wait a year.

I’ve been anxiously waiting for my period to start so I can start those little blue pills.

It’s Thursday and it’s not here yet.

And now I know why.

I took a test today.

It was positive. Within seconds. Pink. Bold. Crossing lines.

Positive.

We lost Enoch on March 17th of 2009 and little Lewis would have been born on March 24th of 2013. Today is right smack in the middle.

But. We have to keep it a secret. Well – you read why. 

Honestly – I’m speechless. I told Jared over and over that this would happen. We have to figure something out until my appointment because you KNOW we are gonna get pregnant. Because the last time I had peace like this – we found out we were pregnant with Fitzy. It doesn’t matter that we haven’t gotten pregnant since June – it will happen. I know it. I knew it.

How on earth am I not supposed to tell my sister. She’s going to figure it out. She just is. And my parents? And Jared’s parents? They always go to the Bahamas in November – I hope they haven’t booked the trip yet! But I can’t. I have to trust. The day before Dave sent us that text – I said – out of the blue – to Jared – if we get pregnant again we won’t tell a soul. Not one. Until our first trimester. Which is not me. At all.

It was confirmation.

So – today we found out that for the 5th time – we are pregnant. And we trust. Because either way – God is in control and the answer will be beautiful.

My first appointment is April 1st of 2013.

We won’t be over our first trimester until the end of May – a long two months from now!

Our due date – November 27th of 2013 – my mom’s birthday.

Whoa.

March 22nd 0f 2013 FRIDAY 

I can’t stop thinking about the women reading this thinking – GREAT. Another pregnant person who isn’t me. And while I can tell you over and over again that I’ve been there (and you know that I’ve been there several times) it doesn’t matter. It won’t matter.

Yesterday the list stood at this – 76 names. 20 with babies. 14 pregnant. 45 wanting. pray.

And while I wrote it – tears streamed down my face. Tears of happiness and of hurt. Tears of joy and of heartache. Tears of love and of pain.

I want all 45 wanting to inbox me and tell me that they are pregnant. It’s a miracle. But it isn’t happening. And here I am holding this joy in one hand and such sorrow in another for all my wanting mommas. It’s not fair. It will never be fair.

If you have to hide me on FACEBOOK – do it. If you have to avoid my blog for a while – please do. If you can’t bear to look at me – I understand. You don’t have to tell me that you are happy for me and sad for you. You might even be at the place where you are not happy for me.

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.

And that still doesn’t make it any easier for you. Not one ounce.

Please know this – I am praying for you. I am lifting your name to God every day. I am trusting that His will is perfect and amazing. I am trusting that you will feel His strength and His love right now. I encourage you to cry out to Him. He knows Your heart – He can take it. His hands are open and waiting.

April 3rd of 2013 TUESDAY

I’m hungrier. Last week I had a migraine – which if history proves anything – means that there is a viable baby. Our last pregnancy came with migraines too – so I’m still scared. Trusting. But nervous. Is that possible? To be trusting and nervous. To be sure and scared?

Yesterday was our first appointment. The one where you pee in a cup and they tell you what you already knew. The nurse came in and said – well – I hope this was a wanted pregnancy. I said – they all are. I’m scared. We were going to take a break for a year and THEN see a specialist – but we never even got to the birth control part. We aren’t telling anyone so I’ve kind of forgotten about it. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I don’t do caffeine. I don’t really have to change anything.

I did wake up yesterday and today feeling just a little off – struggling to swallow my vitamins without gagging.

So – we wait to hear from our OB and set up our first appointment. Part of me wants an ultrasound RIGHT NOW while the other part wants to wait like we did with Fitzy. I am almost six weeks at this point – so we have another seven weeks to go!

I’ve known for 2 weeks and haven’t told ANYONE (except the doctor) and I’m shocked.

April 5th of 2013 THURSDAY 

Last night the stomach bug hit. Or a flu bug. Or both. It was intense. I lost two pounds overnight. I didn’t sleep until this morning when Jared stayed home with Fitzy. I took a bath early this morning and kept praying that those pangs in my stomach were flu pangs – not miscarriage pangs. I’m trying hard to not let fear win. It takes a lot of focus and a lot of prayer.

I’ve realized that in not sharing this pregnancy news with ANYONE but Jared – we are both depending on God. A lot. The way it should be. And it’s crazy hard!

April 30th of 2013 TUESDAY

Yesterday was our ultrasound. I laid down on the table and closed my eyes. I prayed. She started and didn’t say anything – and then a – there’s your baby. And the tears came. According to her measurements we are between 10 and 11 weeks – further along than I thought – and further along than any other pregnancy – except with Fitzy. We saw a little body and a head. Arms and a fast heartbeat. THANK YOU JESUS. Baby was moving around and looked good. The last two times – I got a phone call from the doctor that afternoon. No phone call. And I’ve been getting sick in the mornings. And afternoons. And evenings. Thank You Jesus.

Fitzy is very excited about his birthday present! He keeps pointing at my belly and saying – dear Jesus – heal – momma – baby – girl. This weekend he pointed to my belly and said baby. My mom looked at me with raised eyebrows. I said – yes – that’s where you were when you were a baby. Whew!

Someone did say to me recently – Danielle – you look GREAT! I mean like radiant – glowing! Are you SURE you’re not pregnant? I said – I’m sure. When she left I looked at Jared and said – REALLY? I’m not supposed to say ANYTHING!?

A friend asked me if I stopped updating my weight loss on my blog because of the issues people were having. I said nope. I planned to update at 20 pounds and then again at 12 weeks (which I didn’t think would be two separate posts) and then lastly at 30 pounds. Which I haven’t reached yet. But I couldn’t tell her why. I said – because I feel good right here. I look good right here. I’m good. Which is also true. But I won’t be hitting that 30 pounds – at least – not this time around.

Thank You God for this unexpected and amazing miracle. Again.

May 26th of 2013 SUNDAY

Yesterday we had Fitzy’s birthday party. We waited until the very end to give him our gift. I made a mental checklist in my head – mom is here – Brenda is here – Samm is here – Brian is here – I’ll go get dad. Okay – everyone is here. Jared started the video. I told Fitzy this was his last present but Sammy had to help him read it. Samm unfolded the shirt that said BIG BROTHER and it took her a minute. She looked up at me and said – ARE YOU SERIOUS? I said – yes – we are 13 weeks. Brenda (my mother-in-law) screamed and cried and rushed over to hug me. She asked if we had an ultrasound. I said – Yes. We’ve heard a heartbeat too. Samm hit me. Then the video ends. And I scan the room and realize my mom isn’t there. I seriously thought maybe she was upset and had to leave. Nope. When my back was turned – she got up and left – to go to the bathroom – and I was so focused on that little shirt – I didn’t notice. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! UGH! So we waited for her to come back and then gave her the shirt. And just like my mom – she said – Oh. Just like that. Oh. Then she added a little – I’m shocked – you were on birth control! I said – I never even got to start! She said – Oh. I read the text that Dave sent us – and tears flowed again.

Friday night – I noticed a tiny bit of spotting. No. Not now. Not this time. This cannot be happening. I texted a few people that I had already told. Asked them to pray. Is this okay. Is everything okay? This CANNOT be happening again. Not this time. Not right now. No. Just no. It happened with Fitzy – at 20 weeks. This makes me scared. I took my phone out and read the text from Dave – again. For the 400th time. Just like I did in the beginning every time I was feeling scared.

We heard a heartbeat on Tuesday – 165. Everything was fine. 13 weeks. It HAS to be fine. Right? I mean – we are telling everyone tomorrow. It has to be okay. It’s the end of the first trimester. We will get pregnant again. And even though we will default in our minds that we will probably miscarry – oh no.

The spotting stopped. My sister-in-law assured me that a little is normal – it happened with her. Prayers were sent and sent and sent. Prayers are being sent. Still being sent. I still felt sick this morning. I’ll most likely call on Tuesday to schedule something – just to make sure. Cus I’m like that. So – please continue to pray with us. Pray for Jared and I – that we can rest in God’s love and peace. Pray for this wee one – that this baby is doing well and wonderful.

 And because it’s awesome – I leave you again with the words God gave us through Dave –

You will get pregnant again. And even though you will default in your minds that you will probably miscarry – oh no. You will have a healthy child – possibly twins! It will be huge and massive BUT you must keep it to yourselves and announce at the END of the first trimester. This is a promise from God. God is NOT done with you. He’s just starting. You need to tuck this word on your hearts and cover it. It will be a massive testimony and will restore relationships, friendships, and family ties in ways you never thought possible. It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy. BUT you MUST NOT announce it until the end of the 1st trimester. Not even to close friends or family. YOU MUST WAIT!

I honestly feel stronger about this than the word I gave you for Fitzy! You can’t even tell me when you first find out – I will already know. You can’t tell ANYONE! BELIEVE IT! RECEIVE IT! ACT! God is good and will be massively glorified through it. Save these messages for confirmation and documentation. Not for me – but so that we can honor Christ Jesus & God’s ridiculous faithfulness. He is good. He is really REALLY good!

I took Fitzy out in our yard for some official TWO YEAR pictures – where on earth are the years going?

Some fun before we go out!

He is one of the happiest children I’ve ever known!

I just ordered that one for his canvas! I cannot WAIT to see it!

Last year and this. Oh chubby baby – you’ve grown into such a little boy!

AH! Seriously. Cannot even deal with it.

Fitzy – we love you so much! We thank God EVERY SINGLE DAY for blessing our lives with you!

Fitzy LOVES LOVES LOVES his aunt Sammy. She surprised us in April and he was SO excited to see her!

I LOVE those shots! Makes my heart so happy! For so many reasons!

Last year with Rowyn – this year with Fitzy! CRAZY PROUD OF YOU SAMM!

Last year and this year – craziness.

Samm – I get choked up when I talk about you – which I do – a lot. To people I know. To random strangers. Bank tellers. Waitresses. I’m slightly obnoxious about it. But I can’t help it. You took control and changed your life. I am so proud of you!

Dearest Fitzgerald –

Two years ago today – I held you for the first time. I looked into your sweet little eyes and you attached yourself even deeper to my heart. I marveled at your little fingers and toes. I thanked God for sending you into our lives. I kissed you and whispered in your ear – I love you.

Two years ago today – God gave us a miracle. He sent you.

Every morning you wake up and say HI! I ask how you are – you say GOOD! We do this about 10 times – each time with more enthusiasm! You help me make breakfast and we read the Bible. We pray for all the babies in our lives and for your little feet. You tell me your colors and some letters. You love to read books and play with legos. You make eggs in your little kitchen and LOVE to make pizza with your play-doh kit!

Pizza is your favorite food – you ask for it every day! You call cookies caterpillars. You ask if your food is hot or brrrr. You point out mommas and babies all the time. You help with the laundry and LOVE to do the dishes.

You love to be outside. You help feed the cows at Gramma & Pa’s house. You say bless you when people sneeze. You tell everyone that dadda cut your hair! You’ve been learning and growing so much!

You are 3 feet tall and 35 pounds! You wear 3T everything – and some 4T. Your shoes are a size 8!

You are the sweetest and cuddliest baby I know.

We thank God for you every single day! I pray that you will know kindness every single day. I pray that you will love Jesus with all your heart. I pray that you will be passionate about giving. I pray that you will know that God loves you. I pray that you will know that we love you. I tell you every day. About a million times.

Happy birthday sweetest boy of my life!

How much longer can I put Fitzy under the BABES category? Forever – right?

I feel like overnight he’s become a toddler. He is stubborn and independent. He says – I do it. He’s become a little boy.

I had my camera out for a session and he said – CHEESE MOM-MA. I love how he says MOM-MA. Melts my heart.

Fitzy – you are loved. Always!

I’m quite a holiday grinch – by most people’s standards – I’ll write more about that later.

While my mother-in-law doesn’t go over the top for holidays – by any means – she does have her traditions she would like to continue with Fitzy – just like my parents!

Fitzy did LOVE his first Easter egg hunt!

I found myself tearing up as I edited these pictures. I don’t usually do that with pictures of Fitzy. But the emotion overwhelmed me. The smile on his little face. How much he adores his grandparents. How blessed we are to have him.

Thank you Grandma Barden for carrying on your traditions with Fitzy! The love you have for him blesses us so much!

Happy Easter dear baby! I can’t wait to share in years to come what we will do to celebrate Easter – new life in Jesus!

In March – Fitzy turned TWENTY THREE months old!

We happened to be at my parents for the 28th so we got some pictures with Fitzy’s favorite farm animals!

I love that my parents (and Jared’s parents) have such a great relationship with Fitzy. He absolutely adores them!

That’s Blue – Fitzy’s horse – or so he thinks!

Fitzy – you are such a joy in our lives! I’m savoring every day with you as a 1 year old! I cannot believe that you will be TWO in no time at all! WE LOVE YOU!

He loves to talk and tell stories. He loves to go for walks. He ADORES his grandparents. He can say pineapple – cucumber – kiwi – caterpillar – bouillon – pepper. We pray at every meal and thank Jesus for lots of things. Mommy – daddy – fitzy – plates – spoons – bowls – chairs – healing. He loves to pray for people. He loves to have the Bible read to him. He LOVES to dance and listen to worship music. His favorite movie is BRAVE. He loves little blonde girls.

He is amazing. And almost TWO years old.

OH LITTLE BABY – you are my dearest!

CHEESE!

We spend a lot of time in our jammies!

Fitzy – we love you SO much! I pray that you would experience kindness and joy every single day of your life. I pray that you will love Jesus and follow His example.

I pray for you to love. To live. To the fullest.

In 2009 (while we were still pregnant) I wrote this about my MIL.

I still mean it.

Last year was crazy hard – for so many reasons – and brought some “conflict” with the in-laws.

We wanted to move. I’ve never loved this house and never thought of it as my own. I never planned on being here for the now 7+ years we’ve been here. I wanted something – mine. Ours. Away.

Jared’s parents are fantastic people that love to … do. And bless. Like I wrote about in my previous post.

The problem with doing and blessing is that I felt like we were kids. Now you might say – Danielle – are you really complaining about someone doing for you? C’mon. But what happens when everything is taken care of for you? You don’t do anything. The things you should be doing in your life. Taking the garbage out. Shoveling your driveway. Mowing your lawn. It is wonderful – while it’s also problematic.

So we had to figure some things out – quite a few things out. And on the list was the relationship with our parents. And we did. And for that I’m thankful.

We are here. Next door. For quite some time it seems. Living next door to anyone – let alone your parents – in a state of anger and frustration – would suck. Which is why I refuse to live in such a state.

Let me just say that in living next door to my in-laws – it’s not a big deal. The problem wasn’t that this house was next to them. The problem was that it’s THIS house. To be honest – I drop by unannounced on my MIL MUCH more than she does on me. Mostly because I have a little boy who knows we live next to one of his favorite people in the whole world.

So how do you do it?

How do you have a good relationship with your mother-in-law? Especially once you have a baby?

1. When Jared and I started dating – I already knew his parents. He met mine on our first date. Cus I’m that serious about my family. I love them. And he loves his. And if for any reason – we didn’t feel a connection or a fit – enough that it caused problems – then we wanted to figure that out early on. People say – you don’t just marry your husband. You marry his family. In some instances – that doesn’t happen to be the case. But in our situation – it would be. Thankfully Jared’s family and I got along well and mine loved him.

2. I’m a mother. To a little boy. I get it now. Jared is Brenda’s baby boy. In a way – he will always be. And that’s hard. But I get it now. I look at Fitzy and wonder just who will take my place in his life someday. Right now he needs me. And while I know that I will always have a place in his heart – it won’t be the same. I will lose him to a girl. And I will be a mother-in-law. Oh. Crap.

A woman at MOPS said – they figured out why the relationship between in-laws are strained at times.

Especially a MIL and DIL.

They are both in love with the same boy.

Whoa. That’s it.

So remember that.

3. I have a relationship with Jesus. If this doesn’t apply to you – you can skip it. But all the other points that follow – depend on it. For me. God sent His one and only to die for me. If I was the only person on the face of this earth – He would have done it. For me.

I know what love is.

Thankfully my MIL also has a relationship with Jesus. And while that isn’t a magic solution – it helps.

4. I meant what I said in that blog. I wanted Brenda in the room when our baby was born – along with my own mom. Turns out that I needed Bridget to take pictures and then couldn’t decide between my mom and Jared’s mom – so Samm won the spot. But had I been allowed – she would have been there. Because Fitzy is just as much her grandchild as he is my mom’s. And for some of you – you might say – why does that even matter? He’s MY son. They don’t have any special claim or right to him. I do. Me. And me alone. To that response – I say – my heart aches for you. And for the grandparents of your children.

Fitzy will almost always pick my mom or my MIL over me. Every single time. Brenda went to Florida for a week a while ago. It was a nightmare. That little boy KNOWS that his grandma lives right next door. And usually he can see her every day. He cried and cried every time I told him she wasn’t home. He stood by the door – asking and asking. His little heart was so broken. We facetimed with her – but he didn’t want any of that. He wanted his grandma – holding him.

I had a friend once say to me that it would bother her if her child wanted someone else that much over her. I told her that I loved it. I love that he loves them. I love that he almost always runs into her open arms with a hug and a kiss and she whispers her love for him into his little ears. I love that when we go to my parents – he wakes up the instant we hit the driveway. When he sees my mom in the window – he beams. He dives into her arms and is literally glued to her hip for the duration of our stay. I don’t think she’s ever been more exhausted and happy in her life.

My grandparents were very involved in my life – along with Jared and his. Grandparents long for the moment to hold the baby of their baby in their arms. Not being a grandparent – I don’t KNOW exactly how it feels. But I’ve been told. I’ve seen it. I see it. Every day. Because we live next door to a grandparent.

Brenda loves. She just loves. I can’t finish that sentence because she loves babies and kids and teenagers and adults and grandparents and everything in between. But she ESPECIALLY loves teeny tiny babies. She loves to rock and pray and sing. And while I couldn’t get enough of Fitzy in those first few months – I made sure to share him. When she asked to have him – I gave him. She likes to bless – remember? She loves to help. And in those first few months when I didn’t think I could stand one more second without falling asleep – she kept him for us. All night. People would ask me how I could do that? How could I hand my brand new baby to my MIL for the night? How did I sleep? I slept like a baby. I knew that he was in fantastic hands – in reality – better hands than my own at the moment – which were beyond exhaustion. I loved her. I trusted her. I appreciated her.

While my “normal” personality is pretty high-strung and … ahem … bossy – my “mothering” personality is not. I’m a little bit over-protective sometimes – about silly things like food. But laid back. I don’t have a list of rules to drop off. I know that when Fitzy is with my parents or Jared’s parents – I don’t have to worry about a thing. Not one.

Over the summer – Brenda was watching Fitzy while I was at a session. I called Jared on my way home and asked where he was – I could hear screams and lots of laughing in the background. He was at a soccer game – with Fitzy and his parents. I said – how did Fitzy get there? And I heard Brenda say – OH NO. I forgot to ask Danielle if we could bring him. I said – I’m glad she doesn’t have to ask. Yes – take him an hour away to dinner – please ask. But run him up to the school for a soccer game? By all means.

When I hit our gas line coming into the house – we had to spend the night with Jared’s parents. Brenda – being the giving woman she is – let us sleep in their bedroom for the night. Fitzy – however – did NOT want to sleep. He wanted grandma. And only grandma. He cried and cried and I told her she could leave and I would just deal with it. He cried like I’ve NEVER heard him cry. Brenda was peeking at the door and after a few minutes – came in and said – I’m taking him. You guys need to sleep. I’ll deal with it. He stopped his screaming immediately and cuddled up with her. She slept – I use that word loosely – on the floor in the living room with him that night. Jared said – you okay? I said – are you kidding. I’m so thankful she is comfortable enough to do that. Even though I told her I would deal with it – she still stepped in and took over. She didn’t cross a line at all. At least – not with me. I had a horrible day and was exhausted. It was a giant help.

5. I see her face light up every single time she sees him. Same with my mom. I can’t imagine seeing sadness instead because I’m withholding a relationship from her. I’ve told Jared – if I am ever upset with your mom about something and I start to use Fitzy as a weapon in that situation – smack me. Seriously. Do not allow it. If I have a problem – I need to figure it out. Not take her grandson away from her as punishment. Totally not cool.

6. I’m a first-time momma. And I hope I would still feel this way if I was a 5th time momma.

I don’t know it all.

I can safely say that I don’t even know what’s best for my child – all the time. I’m still learning and figuring it out. I used to ask questions on FACEBOOK about sleeping. Fitzy is a better sleeper – but I can’t even go so far as to say he’s a great sleeper. I needed advice and help. And while I got advice – I also got some – you are obviously doing it wrong remarks. So I stopped asking. The people in my life that are close to me – still gave advice – which was totally fine. And those people included my mom and MIL. Which was totally fine.

I have never once felt that Brenda or my mom were judging me or telling me I was a bad mom or didn’t know what I was doing. I’m not above asking for help. Screaming for it sometimes.

I wanted to breastfeed. My mom breastfed and so did Brenda. I knew it was important. How could I not? There are certain people who will – in so many words – tell you about your bad mothering if you choose not to. I knew that Brenda was very pro-breastfeeding. She never pressured me or insinuated I was a bad mom if I didn’t – but I knew that she very much preferred it. At about 6 weeks – I was exhausted. To the point that my own mom was worried about me. She was worried about Fitzy’s safety in the middle of the night when I would nurse. She brought him downstairs one night and got some formula from the hospital bag and gave him a bottle. She was prepared for the consequences in the morning.

I was too exhausted to be upset. Go ahead – call me selfish. But I’m also honest. And I was exhausted. My mom said to me – I thought I was gonna have to take him from you. You scared me Danielle. You put a new diaper right over the one he had on and when I asked you to nurse him – you told me he was fine. It was time. He was hungry and crying. But you literally fell asleep – sitting up – talking to me. Give the child some formula. You cannot be a good momma when you are in this state. You have to be rested and present.

I could have screamed at her. HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A BAD MOTHER. HOW DARE YOU GIVE HIM FORMULA. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. I could have never spoken to her again. But I think I take constructive criticism pretty well. At least – I hope I do. I didn’t react that way. I said – thanks mom. You’re so right. I just can’t do this. I ended up stopping at 8 weeks. Brenda never told me how awful I was – I don’t think she was even thinking that. She was supportive and encouraging.

With all the advice – asked and just given – I’ve never felt that my mom or Brenda have ever thought I was a bad mom. I’ve never thought they were overstepping boundaries. If I pick up Fitzy from Brenda’s and he’s sick – I want her to tell me. She’s noticed things that I haven’t before. When he was little – teeny tiny. I made some comment about not cleaning behind his ears – how could I forget that? She chuckled and said – yes – I noticed! I just cleaned it up. We laughed. I’m much better about it now – but I used to forget to give him a drink at meals. Every single meal. And she asked me once – why don’t you give Fitzy a drink at dinner? I stopped and said – OH MY WORD – I’ve never even thought about it! We laughed again.

I know that for some of you – your mom and MIL might very well be pointing out every single thing that they wouldn’t do with your child if they were you. And that’s gotta be hard. My advice in that situation is to politely say – but you aren’t me. This is how things work for us. It will be hard to adjust to a relationship where the advice they give is truly from the heart and meant to help and not hurt – but you’ll get there. With a lot of slow breathing and prayers on your part.

But sometimes – maybe your mom or MIL is really just trying to be a grandma that loves that baby of yours. She’s seeing an area of struggle for you and wants to help. She’s really trying to not overstep and say everything the right way. And it still comes out wrong. Be patient. Really take a step back and see where it’s coming from.

7. Your mother-in-law is human. You are human. Like any relationship – you both have to be on the same page. Sometimes she might have to work a little harder to keep her opinions to herself and sometimes you might have to work a little harder on keeping yours. Brenda and I are honest with each other. Sometimes I might not like what she has to say – but I hear her. And vice-versa.

8. Forgiveness. I don’t have a relationship in my life without it. I’ve had to ask it. And give it. While you can forgive someone for hurting you – it’s not all on you. Relationships cannot be one-sided. They will always fall apart. Look inside your heart and figure out what you’ve got going on in there. What are you holding back? What are you hiding? What are you holding onto? What are you afraid of? It might be the same questions that your MIL is struggling with.

9. Pray. Reach out. Ask forgiveness if you need to. Give forgiveness.

And remember that she was once a momma holding the hand of her little boy.

A little boy whose whole world was his momma.

And now that little boy is holding your hand.