HANDWRITTEN BY GOD
If you didn’t read my WAITING blog – make sure to check that out before you read this – search under the baby barden tab.
Our pastor had met with us in mid-August and told us that God was revealing to them that we needed to open our minds and hearts to having a child in our home that wasn’t ours biologically – then we would have our own children.
Within a week my heart was changing. I had nothing wrong with adoption or foster care – but they just weren’t options for us. I wanted to be pregnant with OUR baby.
I started to think more about foster care but I would never be able to give the babies back – then my heart started changing again. And I realized that if we could be in part of their lives for the time we would NEED to be there – it was better than the alternative – and I would be able to give them back.
I am a VERY stubborn person – so to listen to myself have this huge change of heart was so strange!
On Wednesday – September 1st – I was in the valley for some sessions and my Aunt asked if I could stop over and see if we could take my cousin’s baby home with us for the night. I stopped and packed him up and brought him back home with me for the night. He was so good. He never cried or whined – he laughed and giggled and never stopped smiling. He went to sleep at 10.30 and woke up at 4 – I got him a bottle and changed him and he went right back to sleep. In the morning I gave him a bath and fed him and ran about 15 errands – all the while taking him in and out of the car – and he was so good. I took him back to my aunt’s and swam in the pool and loved him some more.
When I came home on Thursday I felt a peace like I haven’t felt in the past year and a half. I talked with my Gramma on Friday morning and told her that having *B* overnight made me realize that Jared and I are NOT ready for this. We have been married for 6 years and are very comfortable in our lives together. There are lots of things that we have going on and we just aren’t ready – and I am okay with that.
For less than 24 hours I was FINALLY at peace about not having a baby – and then I get a positive test!
I started crying and called Jared – but couldn’t get him to pick up – which is usual for him. I called Johna and cried and laughed and could hardly get the words out!
I tried very hard to NOT get pregnant in August – I have a TEXAS wedding on 5.1.2011 and a wedding on 5.14.2011 and weddings all summer long – we are going to Scotland in July! I have plans – plans that I had control over – or so I thought!
I am still in total and utter shock and so thankful to a good and faithful God.
I had an appointment this afternoon to make sure that I was indeed pregnant and figure out due dates and what not. As of right now – yes we are pregnant. Our due date is mid-May until confirmed with an ultrasound!
Once we figure everything out – I will not be taking any appointments leading up to and after the baby is born – so the whole month of May, June and July – I will be keeping the weddings and appointments I already have though – unless you are a May wedding – then I have already talked with you and we are waiting to figure out what to do!
Once August and September roll around I will only be taking 2 to 3 appointments a week and they will be local to Mansfield (other than that one day that I make trips to the valley for my chiropractor appointments). I have been thinking about this for a while and I will mostly be focusing on seniors, brides, maternity/newborn/infants/kiddos and of course my weddings no more than twice a month. I will only be scheduling sessions after 5.30 once Jared gets home. It’s a very hard decision to make but I have been looking forward to having a little one for so long that I need to enjoy it!
I know that lots of people don’t think we should be announcing so early – last time we did – and when we had our miscarriage – it was hard.
I have shared EVERYTHING with all of you – every struggle – every heartache – every tear and fear. I NEED to share this joy with you all! I NEED all the prayers we can get!
I won’t be sharing much at all over FACEBOOK – it has been so hard to see everyone and their sister on FACEBOOK being pregnant and happy. I have friends that are still struggling with conceiving and I want to be as sensitive as I can be.
It’s still not fair. It’s never fair. It’s not fair that I have this news to share and there are still people struggling out there. It’s not fair that I am so scared about seeing that first US. It’s not fair that the thought of a miscarriage pops into my head.
I am still praying for those of you who are struggling – hurting – and just plain angry. For that particular friend out there – we just had a conversation about all this the other day – I am praying that your heart will change – like mine has started to. I know the stubbornness in accepting what you can’t control – and I struggle with it even now. I want God to speak to me – not thru my MIL or Dave or our pastor – but directly to me. It’s not how it works. I know that there is a baby out there for you and your family. I KNOW it!!
The only thing that has gotten me through this past year and a half – is Jesus – my relationship with God – and if you don’t have one – you should introduce yourself!
I will be blogging updates as often as I have them – thank you SO much for praying for us.
