I traveled to Hughesville last week to take some shots for their Phoenix clinic!

Thanks again girls!

The world is turning in front of me and sometimes it’s hard for me to let go
My flesh begins to rise and then I find out there’s things I don’t know
I’m standing here but no one cares, I’m crying out but no one is there
And I am me but who am I and will I ever find the reason (for life)

But I see you there, Your arms around me, Your arms around me
And I have no fear, You’re all around me, You’re all around me
You’re all around

On this earth people live and die, wondering why (I wonder why)
They go through life feeling lost, never knowing who paid the cost
Lord give me the strength to find the faith in this world
Help them to see the light in me, even though I’m so afraid (of it all)

And I am so afraid, then I remember the price You paid

The Reason – Larue

When I was going through my jaw pain I sought God’s face – I cried out to Him.

I attached myself to Psalm 46 –

God is our refuge and strength. An ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. Though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God. That Holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her. She will not fall. God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall. He lifts His voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I memorized that verse and spoke it over and over and over …

I have always been a comfortable Christian – having my jaw pain took my out of the box with God. I still don’t understand why I had to go through my jaw pain to become closer to God – but I did.

When we first had our miscarriage I had a positive outlook.

I would like to know where that girl went!

Jared has been really worried about me lately – to tell you the truth I have been worried about me lately.

I am angry – completely and totally angry. I am having a hard time having a conversation with God without blaming Him – for everything.

As “fate” would have it – I have been emailing with a client who is pregnant and due in October – the month we were due. She will be getting newborn photos once her little sweetness arrives. She used to attend the church that I grew up in and we came to know each other through another client. She has been sharing her experience with me – and praying with me. She sent me an address for a blog that she thought might help to read – www.joshandcali.blogspot.com.

This paragraph spoke to me –

“We can ask “why?” and “if only…” all we want, but it won’t change the reality that Mac just wasn’t meant to stay with us. No matter what would have happened differently, the outcome would have remained the same. God does not make mistakes. Mac was simply not meant to be here. He was too perfect to stay. His spirit was so pure that he had to be called home before enduring the trials and pains of this world. He fulfilled his earthly mission in the short time he was here and has returned to his heavenly home.”

I am asking why. I am asking “if only”. But those questions don’t change the fact that Enoch isn’t here and wasn’t meant to stay here – as much as it hurts. God gives us children for a period – they are not ours. Enoch is RESTING in the arms of His Heavenly Father – with no pain – no hurt – no trials.

I have never had my faith shaken like it is right now. I want to believe that God has a plan but it is hard to know that THIS would fit into it. I want to believe that God loves me – but why am I going through this? I want to believe that I can be strong and watch my friends have babies in the same month that I was supposed to be having a baby – but I don’t know how.

I am still terrified about being pregnant again – I am setting myself up for the worst because it is all I know. My dear friend Jenna – who is pregnant again with her second sweetness – gave me the reality check I needed this morning. She told me everyone deals with their own fears. Jenna was home with a newborn while her hubby was serving our country overseas. She is nearly 10 years younger than me and a woman of God that I admire greatly. I haven’t been there for her lately because it hurts. I needed that conversation today. THANK YOU JENNA.

I need to believe that God hears me – that He loves me – that He cares for me – that He has a plan for great and wonderful things for me – for us. Typing those words are so hard right now. But I know that I have to believe them – if God isn’t who He says He is – then where are we?

I feel like I have had the joy and happiness sucked out and placed in a jar. That jar sits on a shelf high in our house that I can see but can’t reach. I don’t know how to get it back. I don’t even know where to start.

Tonight I am making Jared start a new book with me – WHAT TO DO ON THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE – my brother and his wife got it for us in May and I just haven’t wanted to open it – because it will say the things I already know.

My cousin *V* came along with my sister last week – she turned 13 this past Saturday so we did a little photo session!

That one is my favorite!

I can remember coming to the hospital to hold her when she was born – I was 16 – there is NO WAY she can be this old!

My sister is getting married on 9.12.2009 – and I am so excited!

She came for a visit this week and I got some shots of her with my new birdcage veil.

This last shot is my favorite!

She always was the pretty one …

Jared and Ryan were schoolmates – from kindergarten to 12th grade. Jared worked for Ryan right out of college. Jared and Ryan are both nerds – HARD CORE NERDS! Believe me – I use that term with love!

Ryan also happens to be PM’s older brother!

Ryan and Heather are getting married on a Sunday afternoon in October at his parents farmhouse!

We had made plans in June to have an engagement shoot – but June was a RAINY month!

On July 12th we drove over to the PA Grand Canyon for their session!

Ryan and Heather made a trip to Hong Kong recently – where Ryan proposed!

The next series is my FAVORITE! I love the shadow effect!

Thanks again Ryan & Heather! I am looking forward to your wedding in October!

I met with Megan soon after the BRIDAL EXPO in January to book her date for next September!

We were waiting for nice weather to do their engagement shoot – and we finally saw some sun!

I met them in Corning on the 11th for their session!

Thanks again Megan & Brian! Your wedding will be here before you know it!

I have been doing portraits for Mandy and her family since October. Her son’s first birthday – Christmas photos – the maternity session for her sweet little girl. Her mom wanted some family photos done last week with everyone!

Thanks again guys! Thanks for being willing to climb on the train – it worked out GREAT!

I took some scenery shots last week at Rock Run.