In 2009 (while we were still pregnant) I wrote this about my MIL.

I still mean it.

Last year was crazy hard – for so many reasons – and brought some “conflict” with the in-laws.

We wanted to move. I’ve never loved this house and never thought of it as my own. I never planned on being here for the now 7+ years we’ve been here. I wanted something – mine. Ours. Away.

Jared’s parents are fantastic people that love to … do. And bless. Like I wrote about in my previous post.

The problem with doing and blessing is that I felt like we were kids. Now you might say – Danielle – are you really complaining about someone doing for you? C’mon. But what happens when everything is taken care of for you? You don’t do anything. The things you should be doing in your life. Taking the garbage out. Shoveling your driveway. Mowing your lawn. It is wonderful – while it’s also problematic.

So we had to figure some things out – quite a few things out. And on the list was the relationship with our parents. And we did. And for that I’m thankful.

We are here. Next door. For quite some time it seems. Living next door to anyone – let alone your parents – in a state of anger and frustration – would suck. Which is why I refuse to live in such a state.

Let me just say that in living next door to my in-laws – it’s not a big deal. The problem wasn’t that this house was next to them. The problem was that it’s THIS house. To be honest – I drop by unannounced on my MIL MUCH more than she does on me. Mostly because I have a little boy who knows we live next to one of his favorite people in the whole world.

So how do you do it?

How do you have a good relationship with your mother-in-law? Especially once you have a baby?

1. When Jared and I started dating – I already knew his parents. He met mine on our first date. Cus I’m that serious about my family. I love them. And he loves his. And if for any reason – we didn’t feel a connection or a fit – enough that it caused problems – then we wanted to figure that out early on. People say – you don’t just marry your husband. You marry his family. In some instances – that doesn’t happen to be the case. But in our situation – it would be. Thankfully Jared’s family and I got along well and mine loved him.

2. I’m a mother. To a little boy. I get it now. Jared is Brenda’s baby boy. In a way – he will always be. And that’s hard. But I get it now. I look at Fitzy and wonder just who will take my place in his life someday. Right now he needs me. And while I know that I will always have a place in his heart – it won’t be the same. I will lose him to a girl. And I will be a mother-in-law. Oh. Crap.

A woman at MOPS said – they figured out why the relationship between in-laws are strained at times.

Especially a MIL and DIL.

They are both in love with the same boy.

Whoa. That’s it.

So remember that.

3. I have a relationship with Jesus. If this doesn’t apply to you – you can skip it. But all the other points that follow – depend on it. For me. God sent His one and only to die for me. If I was the only person on the face of this earth – He would have done it. For me.

I know what love is.

Thankfully my MIL also has a relationship with Jesus. And while that isn’t a magic solution – it helps.

4. I meant what I said in that blog. I wanted Brenda in the room when our baby was born – along with my own mom. Turns out that I needed Bridget to take pictures and then couldn’t decide between my mom and Jared’s mom – so Samm won the spot. But had I been allowed – she would have been there. Because Fitzy is just as much her grandchild as he is my mom’s. And for some of you – you might say – why does that even matter? He’s MY son. They don’t have any special claim or right to him. I do. Me. And me alone. To that response – I say – my heart aches for you. And for the grandparents of your children.

Fitzy will almost always pick my mom or my MIL over me. Every single time. Brenda went to Florida for a week a while ago. It was a nightmare. That little boy KNOWS that his grandma lives right next door. And usually he can see her every day. He cried and cried every time I told him she wasn’t home. He stood by the door – asking and asking. His little heart was so broken. We facetimed with her – but he didn’t want any of that. He wanted his grandma – holding him.

I had a friend once say to me that it would bother her if her child wanted someone else that much over her. I told her that I loved it. I love that he loves them. I love that he almost always runs into her open arms with a hug and a kiss and she whispers her love for him into his little ears. I love that when we go to my parents – he wakes up the instant we hit the driveway. When he sees my mom in the window – he beams. He dives into her arms and is literally glued to her hip for the duration of our stay. I don’t think she’s ever been more exhausted and happy in her life.

My grandparents were very involved in my life – along with Jared and his. Grandparents long for the moment to hold the baby of their baby in their arms. Not being a grandparent – I don’t KNOW exactly how it feels. But I’ve been told. I’ve seen it. I see it. Every day. Because we live next door to a grandparent.

Brenda loves. She just loves. I can’t finish that sentence because she loves babies and kids and teenagers and adults and grandparents and everything in between. But she ESPECIALLY loves teeny tiny babies. She loves to rock and pray and sing. And while I couldn’t get enough of Fitzy in those first few months – I made sure to share him. When she asked to have him – I gave him. She likes to bless – remember? She loves to help. And in those first few months when I didn’t think I could stand one more second without falling asleep – she kept him for us. All night. People would ask me how I could do that? How could I hand my brand new baby to my MIL for the night? How did I sleep? I slept like a baby. I knew that he was in fantastic hands – in reality – better hands than my own at the moment – which were beyond exhaustion. I loved her. I trusted her. I appreciated her.

While my “normal” personality is pretty high-strung and … ahem … bossy – my “mothering” personality is not. I’m a little bit over-protective sometimes – about silly things like food. But laid back. I don’t have a list of rules to drop off. I know that when Fitzy is with my parents or Jared’s parents – I don’t have to worry about a thing. Not one.

Over the summer – Brenda was watching Fitzy while I was at a session. I called Jared on my way home and asked where he was – I could hear screams and lots of laughing in the background. He was at a soccer game – with Fitzy and his parents. I said – how did Fitzy get there? And I heard Brenda say – OH NO. I forgot to ask Danielle if we could bring him. I said – I’m glad she doesn’t have to ask. Yes – take him an hour away to dinner – please ask. But run him up to the school for a soccer game? By all means.

When I hit our gas line coming into the house – we had to spend the night with Jared’s parents. Brenda – being the giving woman she is – let us sleep in their bedroom for the night. Fitzy – however – did NOT want to sleep. He wanted grandma. And only grandma. He cried and cried and I told her she could leave and I would just deal with it. He cried like I’ve NEVER heard him cry. Brenda was peeking at the door and after a few minutes – came in and said – I’m taking him. You guys need to sleep. I’ll deal with it. He stopped his screaming immediately and cuddled up with her. She slept – I use that word loosely – on the floor in the living room with him that night. Jared said – you okay? I said – are you kidding. I’m so thankful she is comfortable enough to do that. Even though I told her I would deal with it – she still stepped in and took over. She didn’t cross a line at all. At least – not with me. I had a horrible day and was exhausted. It was a giant help.

5. I see her face light up every single time she sees him. Same with my mom. I can’t imagine seeing sadness instead because I’m withholding a relationship from her. I’ve told Jared – if I am ever upset with your mom about something and I start to use Fitzy as a weapon in that situation – smack me. Seriously. Do not allow it. If I have a problem – I need to figure it out. Not take her grandson away from her as punishment. Totally not cool.

6. I’m a first-time momma. And I hope I would still feel this way if I was a 5th time momma.

I don’t know it all.

I can safely say that I don’t even know what’s best for my child – all the time. I’m still learning and figuring it out. I used to ask questions on FACEBOOK about sleeping. Fitzy is a better sleeper – but I can’t even go so far as to say he’s a great sleeper. I needed advice and help. And while I got advice – I also got some – you are obviously doing it wrong remarks. So I stopped asking. The people in my life that are close to me – still gave advice – which was totally fine. And those people included my mom and MIL. Which was totally fine.

I have never once felt that Brenda or my mom were judging me or telling me I was a bad mom or didn’t know what I was doing. I’m not above asking for help. Screaming for it sometimes.

I wanted to breastfeed. My mom breastfed and so did Brenda. I knew it was important. How could I not? There are certain people who will – in so many words – tell you about your bad mothering if you choose not to. I knew that Brenda was very pro-breastfeeding. She never pressured me or insinuated I was a bad mom if I didn’t – but I knew that she very much preferred it. At about 6 weeks – I was exhausted. To the point that my own mom was worried about me. She was worried about Fitzy’s safety in the middle of the night when I would nurse. She brought him downstairs one night and got some formula from the hospital bag and gave him a bottle. She was prepared for the consequences in the morning.

I was too exhausted to be upset. Go ahead – call me selfish. But I’m also honest. And I was exhausted. My mom said to me – I thought I was gonna have to take him from you. You scared me Danielle. You put a new diaper right over the one he had on and when I asked you to nurse him – you told me he was fine. It was time. He was hungry and crying. But you literally fell asleep – sitting up – talking to me. Give the child some formula. You cannot be a good momma when you are in this state. You have to be rested and present.

I could have screamed at her. HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A BAD MOTHER. HOW DARE YOU GIVE HIM FORMULA. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. I could have never spoken to her again. But I think I take constructive criticism pretty well. At least – I hope I do. I didn’t react that way. I said – thanks mom. You’re so right. I just can’t do this. I ended up stopping at 8 weeks. Brenda never told me how awful I was – I don’t think she was even thinking that. She was supportive and encouraging.

With all the advice – asked and just given – I’ve never felt that my mom or Brenda have ever thought I was a bad mom. I’ve never thought they were overstepping boundaries. If I pick up Fitzy from Brenda’s and he’s sick – I want her to tell me. She’s noticed things that I haven’t before. When he was little – teeny tiny. I made some comment about not cleaning behind his ears – how could I forget that? She chuckled and said – yes – I noticed! I just cleaned it up. We laughed. I’m much better about it now – but I used to forget to give him a drink at meals. Every single meal. And she asked me once – why don’t you give Fitzy a drink at dinner? I stopped and said – OH MY WORD – I’ve never even thought about it! We laughed again.

I know that for some of you – your mom and MIL might very well be pointing out every single thing that they wouldn’t do with your child if they were you. And that’s gotta be hard. My advice in that situation is to politely say – but you aren’t me. This is how things work for us. It will be hard to adjust to a relationship where the advice they give is truly from the heart and meant to help and not hurt – but you’ll get there. With a lot of slow breathing and prayers on your part.

But sometimes – maybe your mom or MIL is really just trying to be a grandma that loves that baby of yours. She’s seeing an area of struggle for you and wants to help. She’s really trying to not overstep and say everything the right way. And it still comes out wrong. Be patient. Really take a step back and see where it’s coming from.

7. Your mother-in-law is human. You are human. Like any relationship – you both have to be on the same page. Sometimes she might have to work a little harder to keep her opinions to herself and sometimes you might have to work a little harder on keeping yours. Brenda and I are honest with each other. Sometimes I might not like what she has to say – but I hear her. And vice-versa.

8. Forgiveness. I don’t have a relationship in my life without it. I’ve had to ask it. And give it. While you can forgive someone for hurting you – it’s not all on you. Relationships cannot be one-sided. They will always fall apart. Look inside your heart and figure out what you’ve got going on in there. What are you holding back? What are you hiding? What are you holding onto? What are you afraid of? It might be the same questions that your MIL is struggling with.

9. Pray. Reach out. Ask forgiveness if you need to. Give forgiveness.

And remember that she was once a momma holding the hand of her little boy.

A little boy whose whole world was his momma.

And now that little boy is holding your hand.

70 names. 19 with babies. 15 pregnant. 39 wanting. pray.

If you are friends with me on FACEBOOK – you’ve seen something like this as my status. Over and over. It might be obnoxious. But I can’t stop. Seriously. CANNOT STOP.

70 names. 19 with babies. 15 pregnant. 39 wanting. pray. that was March 6th. 

67 names. 18 with babies. 8 pregnant. 41 wanting.pray. that was March 5th.

In one day – ONE DAY – pregnant almost doubled. DOUBLED.

Today – I’m not sad. I haven’t been sad about not having another baby for about a week now. That’s a HUGE step for me. I am finally letting the peace that God has given me about our decision take over – instead of fighting it. Fighting it because we should have 3 more. I’m feeling peace instead of being angry and hurt. Instead of wondering why me and why NOT me at the same time. It’s awesome. And I finally don’t feel guilty saying that.

God has placed SUCH a heavy burden on my heart for these 70 women that have asked for prayer (or have been put on my list by someone that loves them). There is not ONE SINGLE DAY that goes by that I don’t pray for them. I am in awe. I am overwhelmed at the emails and messages. The tears and the hopes. The amazing blessings that are pouring out on “my” wanting mommas. I am usually one of the FIRST people to know about their little babies. It gives me goosebumps. I cry and pray and thank Jesus for their gifts.

But I also don’t forget the heartaches. While that number has almost doubled – a few days before that – it was at 10. Then at 8. Two of those wanting mommas lost their miracles. It’s not fair. It hurts. And I italicize their name – cus I know that I wanted my lost ones recognized. And I pray again. For renewed strength and hope. And then again for more hope. Because I lost mine. So I pray again for even more hope.

Speaking of hope – I asked a woman I admire to share her journey with me. With you. With us. To encourage. To give hope. Here is her story.

I hope that my story will be a source of encouragement and support for those many couples who are praying for children with their prayers not yet answered.

I was 21 when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis.  It was very painful and debilitating.  After many unsuccessful treatments I ended up having an emergency hysterectomy when I was 23.  I had never been pregnant, so I knew I was never going to be able to give birth to my own children.  This was something that I needed to grieve and accept.  I needed to accept that I was never going to experience the joy of hearing, “You are pregnant”.  I was never going to be able to tell my husband that he was going to be a daddy.  I was never going to experience the “pregnancy glow” that I saw so many woman have. I was never going to experience a child growing inside of me, feeling a little flutter and then later a huge kick. I am sure some of you reading this can relate on many levels to what I am saying.

There was a part of me that felt that I was being punished by God for some reason.  Part of me felt that maybe God felt that I was not going to be a good mommy.  I was not sure.  All I knew was that I had a huge void in my life and nothing was going to fill it except a baby.

When I met my husband, I had the scary task of telling him that I was unable to have children.  I was terrified that he would reject me.  I felt like I was “damaged goods”.  When I finally worked up the courage to tell him, he looked me in the eyes and said, “So, we will adopt”.  The relief I felt was indescribable.

About a year after we were married we began our adoption process.  We had no idea what we were doing.  We began looking online for foreign adoptions, but knew there was no way we could afford them.  We also felt there we so many children in the US that needed good homes.  We prayed that God would lead us to the children He wanted us to parent.
We filled out applications and looked at different lawyers and agencies.  We were so disheartened that it felt that kids were being sold.  We got tired of the price tags on children’s heads.  When we did get interviews from one particular agency we felt like we were  being treated like deviants because we could not have biological children.  The questions we were asked were invasive and judgmental.  At least from our perspective of two adults who really wanted children.

After 2 years of searching, crying, praying and being told by people that we should, “Go into foster care and be happy with what we have if we are so hard up to be parents”.  Yes, we were told that.  We went through depression phases, anger phases, resignation phases, everything.

On April 7, 1998, we received a phone call from a woman from Catholic Charities.  She asked us if we are still looking to adopt a child.  We said, “YES! Of course!” She then, almost apologetically, said, ” Well, this baby is black”.  I replied, “So? I don’t care about color”.  She told us that many black couples had refused her because she was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and addicted to crack.

We wanted her.  We had 3 very long days to get ready and wait. We had a 4 hour drive ahead of us before we could meet our daughter and bring her home.  The night before we left, I checked the nursery over. We had bought everything. Everything except crib sheets!  How could we forget those?  We ran out to Wal*Mart and bought crib sheets, washed them and put them on the crib.  We couldn’t sleep. We left at 3 AM.

We got there at 7 in the morning and decided to walk on the Lake Michigan shore.  BIG MISTAKE.  I had an asthma attack and didn’t have my inhaler.  My husband wanted to take me to the ER, but I wouldn’t let him. Instead we drove to a store for some Primatine Mist. Thank the Good Lord, it worked!  There was NO WAY I was going to miss out on meeting my daughter.  Then we realized we did not have the car seat attached properly.  Laughing at ourselves, 2 highly educated people couldn’t figure this out! We worked on it for quite a while in a McDonalds parking lot.
Finally. 11 AM.  Time to meet our daughter.  We drove to the agency.  Excited.  Nervous.  Eager.  Happy.  Euphoric.  We met her.  All 3 pounds 15 ounces of her.  She was perfect.  Sweet.  Crying like crazy.  It was surreal.

I remember 3 days later, holding her in my hands wondering who this was.  In that exact moment I fell in love with her and finally knew what love really was.  Even though it wasn’t long before we were in and out of doctor’s offices, hospitals and specialists for the next 15 years.  We knew without a doubt that she was meant to be ours.

By July of that same year, we decided we wanted a sister for our little girl!  Since it took 2 years of “labor pains” for our first daughter, we wanted to get started right away with the process.  A friend of mine worked with an adoption agency and called us asking if we were interested in a 15 month old girl, born with similar circumstances as our first.  We said, “YES!”  We began the process of getting ready for her. She had been in foster care all of her life except 3 days and they wanted to place her ASAP.

We went through the interview process.  We met her.  We were in love with her!  She was delightful!  Precious!  They were interviewing another couple, but felt that we were the ones they wanted to her to be placed with so it was just a formality.  Nothing to worry about.  We would get a phone call by the end of next week.  Next week came and went.  We didn’t get a phone call.  I called the Social Worker to find out what was going on.  She said that she couldn’t bring herself to call us because they decided to place the girl with the other couple.  The husband played for the Colts and the wife was a professional.  They could raise her to be a “productive member of society”.  I sobbed.  I was angry.  I told her that wasn’t my definition of success.  My husband and I cried and grieved.  We felt in our heart of hearts that this wasn’t right.

Two weeks later I can home from school to find my husband in the nursery moving things around.  I asked him what he was doing.  He replied that we was getting ready to bring our daughter’s sister home.  I thought he had lost it.  He told me to check the answering machine.  The Social Worker had called.  The couple had given the baby back.  They found out that she was pregnant and they did not want to raise their child with a “crack baby” for fear that the adopted baby would hurt their real baby.  So, once again we began to process of bringing our second daughter home.  We began with many visits.  This felt right.  By November of that same year, we brought our second daughter home to live with us!

About a year later we began the adoption process again.  We wanted more children, a house full.  Over the next couple of years we had many “adoption miscarriages”.  That is the only way I can think of to describe them.  So painful!  Then we found a birth mother who was 6 months pregnant.  We updated out autobiography and met with the adoption agency.  The birth mother chose us to be the family she wanted to raise her son.  We named him.  We fell in love with him.  We told our daughters about their baby brother.  We were supposed to pick him up at the hospital the weekend he was born.  We had a diaper bag packed and ready to go.  The weekend came and went.  We called the Social Worker.  The birth mother changed her mind and took the baby home with her.  I fell apart.  I told my husband, “No more”.  I cannot go through the emotional ups and downs of this.  We grieved “our son” for a while.  To this day we bring him up from time to time.

We then moved back “home”.  After a few years we decided to once again pursue adoption.  I felt that I wasn’t finished having children.  So we went through the loops, took the necessary classes and looked on the SWAN website for sibling groups.  We wanted to focus on siblings since they were harder to place.  There was no success.  A lot more pain.

We realized that we were going to be a family of 4 and we were okay with that.  We felt totally blessed with our daughters.  Yet, there was still a nagging feeling inside of me.  I wanted 1 more baby.  Allan did not feel the same way.  So it was put on the back burner.

Two years ago, my husband and I brought up adoption again.  This time we were both ready to think about it.  But we decided that if we were going to do this then God had to lead us because I did not have it in me to face further rejection.

In June of 2011 we were at a car dealership literally signing papers for a used van when my sister called asking if we wanted to adopt a baby.  She told me the situation.  The birth mother was 14 and looking for someone to adopt her baby.  She was due in one month.  We said, “YES!”  Right away we got a lawyer and called the agency we used when we took the classes years before.  They both thought this was never going to happen since we had only spoken with the grandmother of the baby, not the mother.  I assured them it was happening.  We got ready for the baby.

On July 9, 2011, we welcomed our 3rd daughter into our family.  I was able to be in the delivery room and cut the umbilical cord!  Our family is complete.  For now.  We will never turn away a child if one is presented to us.

So, God answered my prayers.  I am a mom.  I love my daughters SO much!  They are my answers to prayer.  My gifts.  My miracles.  I learned a lot these past 15 years.  So many people tell me how blessed the girls are to have us as parents.  No.  I who am blessed to be their mom.  Through these 3 amazing girls, I have learned my strengths, weaknesses, abilities, fears and how to truly trust and lean on God.  They have made me a better person.

There was a lot of heartache for my husband and I.  It was not an easy process for us.  But I would do it over again in a heartbeat.

I leave you with this.  There was a time when our first daughter was really sick.  I was angry at God.  Why would He bring us a child only to take her from us?  As I was going up the stairs to check on her, it was as if I heard Him say, “You dedicated her to Me.  She is Mine.  I am allowing you to raise her on earth.”  It was at that moment I truly dedicated any and all of our children to God.  They are not mine.  They are His.  And their lives are in His hands.  Always.

Eve-Marie – thank you SO much for sharing your story with me. With us. If you are waiting on God for an answer. For a baby – I am praying for you. For hope.

I put our Christmas tree up REALLY early – before Thanksgiving – I just had to!

LOOK AT THAT HAPPY FACE!

Fitzy is doing so awesome! He LOVES to play with his little kitchen! He loves to carry balls of yarn around and unroll them – much to my dismay! He carries around Jared’s striped shirt and says – daddy’s shirt! He points to himself and says – Fitzy’s shirt – but he says his name like – Itzy! SO CUTE!

He isn’t really running – just walking really fast. He LOVES cheese and marshmallows – the two words he says ALL DAY!

I cannot WAIT to experience Christmas with him!

For the month of December – we are doing a 25 days of kindness for Christmas!

Share on INSTAGRAM when you participate with us – #ADVENT #SHAREADVENT #25DAYSOFKINDNESS #25DAYSOFCHRISTMAS

1. CHRISTMAS CARDS TO SOLDIERS

2. FOOD TO LOCAL ANIMAL SHELTER – PLAY WITH ANIMALS

3. DONATE ITEMS TO PREGNANCY CENTERS

4. ANGEL TREE

5. DONATE CRAYONS AND COLORING BOOKS TO CHILDRENS HOSPITAL

6. DONATE ITEMS TO GOODWILL

7. DONATE ITEMS TO HOMELESS SHELTER

8. HOT CHOCOLATE TO BELL RINGERS

9. CHRISTMAS CARDS TO STRANGERS WITH $ IN THEM

10. HOT CHOCOLATE TO CROSSING GUARDS

11. COOKIES AND COFFEE TO POST OFFICE

12. COOKIES AND COFFEE TO MAIL DELIVERY

13. COOKIES TO GARBAGE MEN

14. PAY FOR SOMEONES MEAL

15. QUARTERS AT LAUNDROMAT

16. QUARTERS AT GUMBALL MACHINES

17. FOOD PANTRY

18. COUPONS AT GAS PUMPS

19. COOKIES FOR NEIGHBORS

20. DONUTS TO POLICE OFFICERS

21. VOLUNTEER AT NURSING HOME

22. LEAVE A TIP THAT EQUALS THE BILL

23. COOKIES TO LOCAL FIRE DEPARTMENT

24. LEAVE QUARTERS AT CAR WASH

25. $ AT GAS PUMPS

I am SO excited to start this tradition and waive gifts for Jared and I (which we normally do anyway) in place of sharing the LOVE and JOY of Jesus during the month of December!

I can’t wait to see the excitement on Fitzy’s face as he gets older and can really understand the season of giving and love!

Today is Thursday – October 11th – your 3rd birthday. I have a dear friend who has a daughter your age. It’s bittersweet. I love watching her and witnessing her growth – but it reminds me of the little boy you would be.

I truly believe that you had your daddy’s eyes – a sea green. You would probably be tall like your little brother. You would love Fitzy. You would be building legos together and reading books. You would love your grandparents and spend all day in the field with gpa Trout or dancing with gma Barden.

I have a picture of you in my head – but sometimes I just like to keep it safe in there instead of describe how you look to me.

You’ve got your hands full in heaven – with a little brother and sister – cousins too. I’ve wondered before if you have birthdays in heaven – but I’d like to think you do.

Today you’ll play with your little friends – maybe run through a sprinkler. You’ll open presents – mostly just cotton candy – since it’s easily made in the clouds. You’ll eat cake and ice cream. It will be a great day!

I’ve been really sad lately. I’ve been really angry. And jealous. Your daddy struggles with anxiety – and it’s been pretty bad lately. I’m trying to help him – but it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m wishing for the year to be over – we lost two more babies this year and it seems like it’s been years since it happened. I take pictures of people that have babies when we should have. It’s hard. I love capturing those moments for them but I can tell you that I cry on the way home. Sometimes even on the way there. It’s funny how time as a whole seems to go SO fast but as a day by day process – it creeps by at an extremely slow pace. We found a house we loved. It didn’t work out. I’ve been so very sad about it. I’ve been so angry with people that were able to move whenever they wanted. I’ve been so jealous. I’m trying to be excited about this house we are in. But when I look around at all that NEEDS to be done – I get sad again. We need to do SO much to this house to make it even remotely what we might want. I see a mountain – that I don’t want to climb. A mountain I never wanted to be standing on in the first place. Maybe it’s because I’m home all day and I just see every little thing that I don’t like. Sticking it’s tongue out at me – teasing me. But I’m having a very hard time accepting that we are here. To stay.

I’ve also had a really hard time trusting. It’s been a really hard year and your daddy and I know that we will get through this rough patch – but the hits keep coming – knocking me down again and again.

I feel like God has forgotten me. Seriously.

Now you have to understand something about me that might surprise you – or not. I have control issues – you know this. But I also have trust issues – because I have control issues. When you think you’re in control – the only person you trust is – yourself.

I don’t trust God – wholeheartedly. THAT might surprise you. I talk about it a lot – that God is in control and He will do what He does. But when I really truly think about it – I don’t completely trust Him. Or maybe it’s better put this way – I don’t trust that He will indeed make it all good.

I just needed to get it all out there – and since you are hanging out in heaven with JC all day – I thought maybe you could cheer me on as I try to embrace a new attitude of trust. I want to be happy in His will – not just wishing I was.

Little Enoch – we miss you terribly down here. I can’t believe that we’ve spent three years without you in our arms. I never knew your face but I see it everyday. I never heard your voice but I hear it now and then. You are loved. You are missed. But for some reason – heaven needed you more than we did.

Today is Thursday – September 13th. Your due date was today. We should have been in the hospital – looking down at your sweet face. Marveling over your tiny hands and how much you look like your brother. Wondering what color your eyes would be – if you would have blonde hair like Fitzy. Announcing your name to everyone and watching their reactions over this tiny miracle.

Instead – you are celebrating in heaven with your older and younger brother. Enoch and Lewis are holding your hand. Everything happens for a reason. If we hadn’t lost you – we wouldn’t have baby Lewis – but we won’t get to hold him either. You are at peace and surrounded by love and joy. I imagine that you dance and clap your hands like Fitzy does when he hears worship music – that you follow Jesus around just to be near Him. I doubt that in heaven you even have time to think about us – but I imagine you do.

This has been the hardest year of our lives – and there have been some pretty hard ones. When we found out about you we were so shocked and thankful. The day I started bleeding – I knew I was losing you. I held onto Fitzy and cried. I prayed for you to stay – but soon my prayers changed. I prayed for strength to handle this life without you. The strength I would need in knowing that I wouldn’t see your face for a long time. I wouldn’t hold you. I wouldn’t hear your cries and your laughter. I wouldn’t listen to you say mama. I wouldn’t watch you grow. I wouldn’t cry as your dad danced with you at your wedding. I wouldn’t marvel over your babies one day. I prayed for the strength I would need in knowing that one more time I would have to say goodbye to one of my babies.

It was really hard. Our reactions surprised us – shook us to our very cores. We lost hope. We were angry that Jesus was dancing with you and we wouldn’t be. We had been through this before – and while that made it a little easier to swallow – we still felt numb. We still feel numb sometimes. People ask me if Fitzy is our only. Sometimes I say yes. Sometimes I say no. I don’t like to make people uncomfortable – but I want them to know that we didn’t forget about you. I want the world to know that I am a mother of four – while I only hold one.

I don’t want YOU to think we have forgotten you. Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy – for laughing and smiling. For enjoying life – because you are not here. It’s not fair.

But it is beautiful. Because you are surrounded by love. You are surrounded by beauty.

JC – I miss you more than you could ever know. I have friends that are having babies just days from your birthday. I don’t know how I’m going to see them. I don’t know how I’m going to look at their babies and feel joy and not jealousy. I don’t know why you came to us for such a short time – but we are blessed to call you our daughter. Fitzy would love you so much.

Happy birthday baby girl.

Before you read this devotional from Ron Hutchcraft – make sure you read the blog I wrote last night.

And then imagine my face when I opened this in my email this morning.

WAITING FOR THE BABY

RON HUTCHCRAFT – A WORD WITH YOU

FRIDAY – AUGUST 10, 2012

I’m the oldest of three. I have a sister and a brother. Growing up – someone was ALWAYS left out – usually me or Derek. I always said that I would never have an odd number of children – cus someone is always left out!

When Jared and I were first dating – I made some smart remark about how I would NEVER have an only child. His mom – who is sweeter than candy – set me straight. She said – oh we wanted more – and tried – but God only gave us Jared. I was quick to not make that remark again.

You never know what people are going through. You don’t know the story behind their lives. But the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. No matter what.

I’ve always wanted 4 kids. I even had names – of course it would have been 2 boys (Christopher William and Andrew Scott) and 2 girls (Bailey Russell and Sierra Alexis) – yea – I totally remember. But I was totally gonna start having them RIGHT after high school – with my husband that I met in high school. Right. That happened. After having Fitzy – I rethought my 4 kids plan. Dude – it’s hard work. FOUR? All by myself during the day. Heck. That’s crazy! And I am starting at 30 and not 18 like I planned. So in my current reality – 2 is a great number for us. But in my dream world of being a mom at 18 and done at 24 with 4 kids – heavenly!

I realized today as the doctor told me there was no heartbeat for our little baby – our number four – that I am a momma of 4. I’m just gonna have to wait till heaven to meet the other 3.

Here’s the thing. I’m tired. We are tired. I’m broken. I feel defeated.

INSERT WARNING – if you don’t want to hear me whine a little (or a lot) stop reading. If you don’t wanna hear me say that I am doubting a few things – stop reading. If you insist on telling me that God does have a plan for my life and He IS in control – I KNOW THAT – stop reading. This blog entry isn’t gonna be about soft kittens that poop rainbows. It’s gonna be about raw hurt and emotions. So if you can’t handle that – seriously. Stop reading. 

Anyway – I feel defeated. Like I said in my previous post. It’s not fair. I’m sad. It’s not fair that we don’t get to enjoy pregnancy. It’s not fair that I’m always wondering in the back of my mind if something is wrong. It’s exhausting. I see my friends have baby after baby and talk about how babies are fruit of the womb and gifts from God. Why are our babies being taken away? Am I doing something wrong? Cus then I get all judgmental and think – well I know what this chick does in her free time and she’s got 5 or 6. How on earth does God’s plan include losing babies – what good is that gonna give me? Like I said – I know that His plan is perfect and wonderful. But tell me how THIS is perfect and wonderful. And yes – I know that we can’t see it. But you can’t tell me that you don’t want to? That you don’t want to know?

Why is it that 2012 has already SUCKED bad enough and now this? We started out the year losing a baby – which would have been born next month – and in that span have already lost another? Why is it that we can’t sell our house? Why did we have to go through the roughest patch in our marriage? We could have bought – but we didn’t. It would have been foolish – so we listened to God. And here we are – still stuck. We forgave and loved – to be welcomed by this hurt? I know – I know – WOE IS ME. Yes. I have a BEAUTIFUL baby boy – an absolute miracle (which if I never thought he was – I sure do now). I have a great husband who loves me and cries with me and puts up with me and puts up with me – did I say that? I have a family who is awesome – a roof over my head – a great job that I’m great at.

BUT – dang it – I’m mad. And sad. And angry. And jealous. And forgotten. Have you ever felt forgotten? If you are a girl and you were a teenager at some point – I KNOW you have. I just feel shoved to the side. I feel like I am watching all these people around me – revel in their blessings and happiness and here we are – barely hanging on.

I don’t doubt that God loves me. I don’t doubt for one SECOND that Jesus died for me (and you). There are a few things I’m unsure of – but I just don’t know if this is the place. I’ve got enough stuff going on right now. And I don’t doubt His plan for our lives. I’m just not sure what the WHAT He’s thinking.

When we lost Enoch in 2009 – it started a connection with people I would have never met. That was beautiful and I now see the beauty from pain. But couldn’t it have happened another way? Did I have to lose a baby for those connections to happen?

What the heck – I’m just gonna say it. Sometimes – I think it’s useless to pray. I’ll get crap for that one – don’t worry. But I’m serious. Here’s the thing. People – LOTS of people prayed for our little baby this week – prayed for a MIRACLE. And it didn’t happen. Our little babe didn’t hold on and beat the odds – despite HOURS of praying.

In 2011 – I prayed for 5 certain families to get pregnant and have babies. All 5 of them did. Within two months of each other. I just looked up the meanings of their names – this is crazy.

A – fiery. C – from the heavens. E – the Lord is my God. J – fire of the Lord. E – the Lord is my God. See the similarities? I don’t believe in coincidences.

Did my praying aid in all that? I’m not saying – oh look at me – I’m magical and have a special connection with God – cus He totally answered my prayer and then blew my mind about it. But guess what – I am His child and I do have a relationship with Him – and in that – the power of Jesus. So if you give me this situation – I would argue that prayer KICKS BUTT.

Why not in ours? Why are we grieving. Again. Why have 3 out of my 4 babies been taken to heaven? With other miscarriages – I was so thankful that I never had to see a baby on a screen and see a heart beat and then say goodbye. Why did that happen this time? Why did I have to see that sweet one and see it’s heart beat only to find out that it’s not meant to be?

Ugh. So many emotions. I could type all night.

I leave you with this. Jared and I had agreed before we got pregnant this time that the next time would be the last. We couldn’t go through another miscarriage. Just couldn’t – and here we are. Going through it. I can’t do this again. I feel like – I can take a hint. It’s not working. I asked for a baby. God – please give me a baby. And I have one. He is gorgeous and amazing. When we were trying for 18 months – I was MISERABLE. I was angry and preoccupied. Babies were ALL I thought about. I buried myself in my work. I don’t want to be that person again. I have a sweet boy to love and enjoy and I don’t want to miss out on that because I’m so consumed with wanting another baby. Our doctor asked if I wanted to be referred to the fertility specialists in Danville – cus now they can say something is obviously wrong that I can’t carry a baby past 8 weeks. Even though I did. Once. So please pray for our happiness. That I would be happy in knowing that Fitzy is our only one. I want to be happy in that and enjoy this miracle we were blessed with. While we wait to see the other 3.

I have so much running through my mind. So many things I want to say and get out. This may be scattered – but I need to write.

Our doctor called today – on a Saturday – to talk to us about our ultrasound. He asked if I was bleeding yet. Yet. That word stuck out to me. I told him no. He said that the heartbeat looked slower than they would like to see. There was a tear and some bleeding under the sac. He didn’t want to give up hope – but …

It sucks. It hurts. I’m so sad. I’m not really angry anymore – I was the first time – for a LONG time. I was very angry at God. How could He. We’ve been nothing but good followers of Him – and this is what we get? We deserve better – we deserved a baby – we deserved to NOT lose a baby. It took me a long time to get over this. A long time.

When we got pregnant with Fitzy – I had given up hope. I had decided that Jared and I were gonna be fine with just the two of us – maybe I preferred it actually. Besides – we had Schrute and barden photography was booming – those would be my babies. Then out of nowhere – BAM. We get pregnant in the exact month I had told God that I could not get pregnant in. I was gonna go to Texas to shoot a wedding May 1st. Fitzy was born April 28th. Other than a little placenta previa – I had a perfect pregnancy. Morning sickness – sure. But that was pretty much it. And as far as deliveries go – it really was quick and kinda sorta as easy as it can kinda be? Other than the whole sleeping thing – he is a perfect and wonderful and happy and beautiful miracle in our lives. One that I never thought would be here.

Even as I sit here typing – I look at his perfect little face and can’t believe that he kinda belongs to us. That God loaned this miracle of a child to us. He trusted. Us.

So – again. I’m here with tears streaming down my face. Preparing myself to say goodbye to yet another baby that I won’t hold in this lifetime. I know what you’re saying – don’t give up so easily Danielle. I’m not. Really. But I’m a realist. I’m a “life is pain” kinda person. I get it. Life sucks sometimes. It is in no way fair. I prepare for the worst and then I am pretty happy in life when it’s NOT the worst.

Do I believe in miracles? Yes. ABSOLUTELY.

Do I feel that way that I felt with Fitzy this pregnancy. No. I had the migraines – but two or three of those were before I was even pregnant. I haven’t been sick. I’ve been exhausted – but I have a child who only needs the BARE minimum of sleep to get by and a ton of work to do. I’ve been really crampy – and not the crampy I was with Fitzy. I’ve been cautious. It’s the only way I know how to be.

Seeing that ultrasound yesterday eased my worries – but I would be lying if I told you I felt great afterwards. I was still cautious. I felt better – but not the best.

I’m sad. I’m just sad. Sad that we can’t enjoy pregnancy. Sad that we are always wondering and waiting – will it be like last time? Sad that I have friends I need to be happy for (call me selfish – that’s fine). Sad that all day long I think – wait – what was that? Am I bleeding now? Just sad.

I have no idea if any of this made sense. Blerg. I know that some of you out there might be reading this and thinking – hey Danielle – where’s your God now?

Oh – He’s here. And He loves me. And He loves Jared. And He loves Fitzy. And He loves this little baby struggling to hold on. Just because I’ve decided to love God and follow Him – doesn’t mean that life is easy – in my opinion it’s SO MUCH HARDER than choosing not to. I’ve written before that Jared and I have been through what most married people don’t go through in 16 years of marriage in just half that. It hasn’t been easy. But it would be MUCH harder without God.

So – thanks to all of you praying. Thanks to all of you holding us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

⁷ The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Before they diagnosed me with TMJ disorder – I thought I was dying. I thought for sure I had a brain tumor that was pushing my eye out of the socket. A tumor that was pushing on my brain and making it feel like mice were running up and down my nerves. A tumor that was making my arm and face numb – making me delirious from pain. I was sure of it.

I prayed like I never prayed before. I cried. I yelled. I got down on my knees. I screamed. I begged. I cried. I slept. I prayed.

One night I opened by Bible – begging God to give me a verse – to speak to me. Psalm 46 is what I turned to. Verse 5 is what jumped out to me. God is within HER. SHE will not fall. God will help HER at break of day. How many times in the Bible is the word he used instead of she – LOTS! And this verse said SHE. That God would help HER at break of day. Nights were usually the worst for me. After being up all day and carrying around this pressured ball on my shoulders. I came home from working all day and cried and slept. And did it all again the next day. And the next day. I printed this verse out and put it under my keyboard at work – on the wall – in my calendar – EVERYWHERE! Jared helped me memorize it – going over it with me every night.

I said it over and over and over and over again. Cried it. Prayed it. Screamed it. GOD WILL HELP HER AT BREAK OF DAY. That one sentence was my lifeline. I held onto that hope that tomorrow I would wake up. That I would want to wake up – because I can honestly tell you that I wanted to die. I wished I would die. It hurt so bad – all the time. But I would repeat Psalm 46 and hold onto hope.

I started having symptoms in March of 2006 and didn’t get my retainer until August of 2008 – so two years of constant SEVERE pain. Two years of praying this prayer over and over and over again. After I started wearing my retainer – the pain decreased. It’s still there – almost all the time – but NOTHING compared to what it was. On a scale of 1 to 10 my pain used to be a 15. It’s now about a 3 to 4 all the time. GIANT IMPROVEMENT. It’s something I’m used to at this point. When a storm comes through I’m usually pain free. Otherwise – it’s there.

Knowing that my pain was manageable – we decided to try and get pregnant. I’m sure most of you know about that long road and struggle and blessing in the end. Psalm 46 spoke to me then too. GOD IS WITHIN HER – SHE WILL NOT FALL. I felt helpless. I felt alone. I felt forgotten. But I would repeat Psalm 46 – over and over again. And again. And then again. I felt like I was a mountain falling into the sea. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of babies and pregnancies and blessings – that weren’t ours.

Our sweet miracle is now 14 months old – so we are at the point where people are asking (telling really) – YOU NEED TO HAVE ANOTHER – WHEN ARE YOU GONNA HAVE ANOTHER – YOU NEED TO GET STARTED ON THAT. And (sadly) I’m at the point where I say – well – since we’ve had two miscarriages now – I don’t know. I know for some people they can literally just think about getting pregnant and just like that – it happens that month. I don’t know what that’s like. I do know what it’s like to try and try and try for months on end (eighteen for Fitzy) and crash every month you get your period – fall into a heap and scream and pray and cry. That’s what I know. I know what’s it like to lose – not one but two babies and wonder if it will ever happen again. If we were to get pregnant again – would we stay pregnant? If we miscarry again – that’s it. We’re done. I’ve been pregnant 3 times – only once past 10 weeks. Knowing that the next time I get pregnant might be our last scares me. So I repeat Psalm 46 again – for yet another season in my life.

I write this to encourage you. To tell you that you are not alone. To let you know that God LOVES you.

You might need Psalm 46 in your life right now. Know it. Breathe it.

While Fitzy’s birthday isn’t until Saturday – he was born on the last Thursday in April – which is today!!

I cannot believe that this little – well – NOT so little – guy has been here for 52 weeks. 52 Thursdays.

I’ve really been sucking it up with blogging lately. Working from “home” and being a wife and a momma is TOUGH. I am so behind on editing – cleaning (what’s that) – and I just feel stretched too thin. I am so glad that I took time off this year from photography. Normally my schedule is CRAZY packed. I feel like right now it’s just enough – although – like I said – I am crazy behind on editing.

SO much has happened this year – ON TOP of being parents for the first time!

Jared and I started a marriage blog – the marriage fight – and since then I feel like we’ve done NOTHING but argue – giving us LOTS of topics to cover.

This year I have discovered that having Jesus in my life is SO IMPORTANT. More so than any other years – even 2009 – which was EQUALLY horrible. Without Jesus living in me I would have given up a long time ago – on a lot of things.

God heard the cry of my heart. He gave me a BEAUTIFUL baby and a renewed hope. He has given me an amazing husband and the strength to work through our struggles and come out REFINED. God is CRYING out to you today. YOU WERE BORN FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS. How POWERFUL is that? God brought YOU into THIS moment and THIS time for a very specific reason. I keep trying to remember that as we go through these past few months and the months to come. Jared and I both feel called to be a ministry – to YOU. The best way for us to share God’s love is to blog. Starting this marriage blog was something we felt God was urging us to do. WE WERE BORN FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS.

YOU HAVE A PURPOSE – a DIVINE purpose – and God is using you RIGHT NOW – even if you feel like you are in the middle of absolute CRAP (cus I’m feeling it) – HE IS REFINING YOU. He is bringing you to your purpose. HE LOVES YOU. OH MY WORD HOW HE LOVES YOU. Answer that cry. Don’t wait. He will TRANSFORM your life!

Thank you God for bringing Fitzy into our lives. He is an amazing little boy. He worships You – he raises his little hands (something I’ve been doing at home lately but just can’t do it in public yet) and he closes his little eyes and lets the music flow over him. He reaches out to You. It is the most amazing and heart warming experience I’ve ever had. Our struggle to have him has brought so many closer to You and to hope. You are already doing amazing things through him. I only pray that in the time you are lending him to us that we can help shape and mold him into the man you intend him to be. I can’t even think about him all grown up – the tears just come faster and I can’t see to type – so – thank You for him.

Happy 52 weeks here with us Fitzy! We love you!!