Today is Thursday – October 11th – your 3rd birthday. I have a dear friend who has a daughter your age. It’s bittersweet. I love watching her and witnessing her growth – but it reminds me of the little boy you would be.

I truly believe that you had your daddy’s eyes – a sea green. You would probably be tall like your little brother. You would love Fitzy. You would be building legos together and reading books. You would love your grandparents and spend all day in the field with gpa Trout or dancing with gma Barden.

I have a picture of you in my head – but sometimes I just like to keep it safe in there instead of describe how you look to me.

You’ve got your hands full in heaven – with a little brother and sister – cousins too. I’ve wondered before if you have birthdays in heaven – but I’d like to think you do.

Today you’ll play with your little friends – maybe run through a sprinkler. You’ll open presents – mostly just cotton candy – since it’s easily made in the clouds. You’ll eat cake and ice cream. It will be a great day!

I’ve been really sad lately. I’ve been really angry. And jealous. Your daddy struggles with anxiety – and it’s been pretty bad lately. I’m trying to help him – but it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m wishing for the year to be over – we lost two more babies this year and it seems like it’s been years since it happened. I take pictures of people that have babies when we should have. It’s hard. I love capturing those moments for them but I can tell you that I cry on the way home. Sometimes even on the way there. It’s funny how time as a whole seems to go SO fast but as a day by day process – it creeps by at an extremely slow pace. We found a house we loved. It didn’t work out. I’ve been so very sad about it. I’ve been so angry with people that were able to move whenever they wanted. I’ve been so jealous. I’m trying to be excited about this house we are in. But when I look around at all that NEEDS to be done – I get sad again. We need to do SO much to this house to make it even remotely what we might want. I see a mountain – that I don’t want to climb. A mountain I never wanted to be standing on in the first place. Maybe it’s because I’m home all day and I just see every little thing that I don’t like. Sticking it’s tongue out at me – teasing me. But I’m having a very hard time accepting that we are here. To stay.

I’ve also had a really hard time trusting. It’s been a really hard year and your daddy and I know that we will get through this rough patch – but the hits keep coming – knocking me down again and again.

I feel like God has forgotten me. Seriously.

Now you have to understand something about me that might surprise you – or not. I have control issues – you know this. But I also have trust issues – because I have control issues. When you think you’re in control – the only person you trust is – yourself.

I don’t trust God – wholeheartedly. THAT might surprise you. I talk about it a lot – that God is in control and He will do what He does. But when I really truly think about it – I don’t completely trust Him. Or maybe it’s better put this way – I don’t trust that He will indeed make it all good.

I just needed to get it all out there – and since you are hanging out in heaven with JC all day – I thought maybe you could cheer me on as I try to embrace a new attitude of trust. I want to be happy in His will – not just wishing I was.

Little Enoch – we miss you terribly down here. I can’t believe that we’ve spent three years without you in our arms. I never knew your face but I see it everyday. I never heard your voice but I hear it now and then. You are loved. You are missed. But for some reason – heaven needed you more than we did.