I don’t consider myself religious – then I looked up the definition – but I still don’t.

I have a few questions – if you don’t have Jesus hanging out in your heart – why not? Is it because religious people turn you off? Is it because you feel bound by too many “rules”? Is it because it scares the (insert whichever word you want) out of you?

re·li·gion – noun

1. a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.

2. a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects: the Christian religion; the Buddhist religion.

3. the body of persons adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices: a world council of religions.

4. the life or state of a monk, nun, etc.: to enter religion.

5.the practice of religious beliefs; ritual observance of faith.”.

Yes – I have a set of beliefs concerning the cause of the universe – especially creation – with devotional and “ritual” observances. I have a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs. I have a specific fundamental set of beliefs that are generally agreed upon by a number of persons. 

But I still don’t consider myself religious. When you think of a religious person – what comes to mind? I’ll tell you what comes to mine – and remember – don’t be offended if this slightly resembles you or your church.

To me – religious people know their bible verses – they attend EVERY church function – they use guilt to make a point – they sing in the choir – they are better than you and are always quick to point that out – and they “pray for you”. Behind closed doors – they have secrets. The things they are calling out in others – are EXACTLY what they do – just justified. It’s not a relationship with Jesus – that’s religion. It’s a ritual – a holier than thou attitude.

I’ve said this before – but I mess up. Quite often. I hurt people with my words and actions (most of the time it’s just me being me and I’m not doing it deliberately) but there are times when I purposefully hurt someone. We all do it. Sarcasm is a lovely form of communication for those that equally appreciate it – but it can also be a mask for true hurt. I judge. I am NOT perfect or pretend to be. If you thought that I was a “perfect” Christian and then read this blog or saw my life or my facebook page and something disappointed you – I am sorry – the ONLY reason I am sorry is that you thought I was perfect. Not so much. At all.

I have a relationship with Jesus. The thought that church attendance = a ticket to heaven – I don’t agree. Same with knowing what verses to throw at people to make YOUR case – that’s making the Bible work for you. I love to share Jesus’ love and work toward bringing light to a dark world. I love knowing that I am in His hands – ALWAYS!

It’s been QUITE a dramatic year for me. AND. I. HATE. DRAMA. Now listen – I KNOW that I am a pretty – okay – VERY dramatic person. Personality speaking. But that does NOT mean that I thrive on drama and crap going on in and around my life – but this past year has been QUITE full of it. Someone pointed out to me that the drama I’ve been dealing with involved fellow Jesus lovers. ONLY fellow Jesus lovers. CRAZY right? If I love Jesus and YOU love Jesus – shouldn’t that be it? In a perfect world it would.

As I type this I have a friend whose dad is in the hospital after a massive heart attack. There is a family across town mourning their little girl after a tragedy. Someone lost their life in a car accident last week in town. We have homeless – hurting – abused – lost people ALL around us. There are children being kidnapped and sold into sex slavery around the world. People who are at the end of their rope – turning to drugs instead of Jesus. Babies being aborted at all stages of life. Children who eat paint chips because food is not coming. THESE are what we need to be passionate about. Helping and saving the lost. Not our first world problems.

As people – we should be working TOGETHER to help. As Christians – especially. As FAMILY – most importantly. Why is it that we can’t see past our little differences? Why is it that we can’t forgive. Why is it that we can’t listen? Why do we continue to hurt – to make ourselves feel better?

And it’s about stupid things – at least in my case. Hiding your wall from me on facebook and then when I delete you (cus I can take a hint) – you think I’m the one with the problem. Asking what I’ve done wrong and ignoring me while people in our family suffer cus we can’t sort this out and get together. Telling me that the forgiveness I asked for was insincere. Blaming me for an issue with your friend and therefore asking me to never speak to you again. When I don’t even know what the WHAT you are talking about! A suggestion of an inappropriate relationship that my husband had (which he didn’t and doesn’t) and the aftermath. The insecurities that I have NEVER had to deal with before. The questions – the conversations – the CRAP. Getting into an argument with a dear friend that definitely did some damage to our friendship – because we couldn’t agree to disagree on matters of alcohol and visiting more than one church. These are issues that are absolutely ridiculous to be fighting over – to be worrying over. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS. not even.

THAT is the religious crap that I can’t deal with. Don’t get me wrong – we should be holding each other accountable and looking out for each other. And we are going to have differences in opinions – but are those differences THAT big of a deal that we ruin relationships over them?

I hate to even reference it and admit that I hear about it through a friend (cus I don’t EVER watch filth) but that GBC show – is kinda sorta maybe most likely absolutely true to life. Like I said – I would NEVER watch it – so a certain someone I know (who doesn’t mind watching filth) tells me about it. One character justifies her behavior through those certain Bible verses that are applicable to justify certain behaviors. She looks down on women that work in the “trashy” restaurant in town only to find out that the restaurant brings in LOTS of money to it’s owners – who would that be? Why she and her husband of course – but no one knew that. She’s the lead in the choir – she can’t have people knowing that they OWN a place like that. Another woman is living a lie in a loveless marriage – getting it from anyone BUT her husband. Judging everyone BUT herself for their horrible lives. But THEY are the “good” people. But like I said – I wouldn’t know – I don’t watch it. Ever.

When people think of me – or remember me when I’m gone – I want them to say – Danielle loved Jesus and loved sharing about His love. She loved her family. She was a good friend (cus sometimes I’m ONLY a good friend – not great). They could say or think lots of other things. Some might even say – that Danielle – she was a good person. But it doesn’t matter. Being a good person will not get you into heaven – what it does once you get there – is up to debate. But it is NOT your ticket in. It doesn’t matter how many church services you attend – how many charity events you set up – how much you give to the church – what Bible verses you know by heart (or at all). It doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that you have Jesus in your heart – in your life.

So.

I have a much smaller online presence at the moment – as far as FACEBOOK is concerned. I created a new account to rid my life of the drama and the insecurities that I have been feeling. It’s helped – a little. But the bad part about that is that I’m not reaching as many people as I was – in terms of photography exposure or sharing the love of Jesus!

But I still have this blog as an outreach – so here goes!

I feel that I’ve always talked about my faith and shared it with you but I don’t think I’ve ever really told you how MUCH Jesus loves you and wants you. And how I found that out.

When we were little my grandma Trout took us to Sunday School. I don’t remember the first time I asked Jesus into my little heart – but I am told that I did. In 1990 our grandpa Trout died of a heart attack – Christmas day – it was awful. He was young and it was so unexpected. I was 9 – which meant my dad was 27 when he lost his dad. I remember the day so well. It didn’t snow – we got bikes for Christmas and rode them around the trailer park in our winter coats. Samm and I got NKOTB barbie dolls. I got a Magic Nursery baby that I named Kevin. It turns out he had a twin sister that was sent to me in the mail – I named her Kristen. I was standing in the hallway when the phone rang. My mom answered and I could tell by the tone of her voice that something was wrong. Very wrong. We all sat on the couch and cried with my dad. Christmas has never been the same. It was the first time I saw my dad cry. The second would be when he dropped me off at college.

Little history – my parents were young when they met. My mom was a senior and my dad a junior. They got pregnant as my dad’s senior year started. They got married in January of 1981 – my dad turned 18 in March – I was born in May – he graduated in June. My dad went to work at a local factory while my mom stayed home with me and they had Samm 15 months after I was born. Derek and I are two months shy of being 4 years apart. When we were young – my dad drank. My mom drank too – but after she had kids she stopped. I can remember a handful of occasions where my parents would fight while/because my dad was drinking. My dad will tell you that he didn’t drink for leisure or because he liked the taste. He drank to get drunk. My mom’s parents drink. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my grandpa drinking anything but beer. I can remember countless occasions and parties at my grandparents where they were drunk. My mom did not want to live this life. She did not want us to live this life. She told my dad several times that it was alcohol or his family. Thankfully he chose the latter.

After his dad died – he sat down and read the Bible (my dad is probably the most read person I’ve ever met). He didn’t want to believe. He didn’t want to “be saved” – he wanted to read it and then put it down for the piece of fiction it probably was. But that’s not what happened. He read it and thought – CRAP. I HAVE to believe. I can’t NOT believe after reading it. We were all baptized as a family when I was in middle school – which is when I really remember trying to actively live a life honoring Jesus.

I always invited my very best friend to youth group. We went on the trips together – mostly to be near the guys we thought were so cute (sorry aunt L) (totally honoring Jesus – right?) (as a quick side-note – the first guy I had a real crush on was named Jared – crazy!) ANYWAY – I had a purple teen Bible that I took notes in and tried to remember to do devotionals. For me at that time loving and living Jesus meant not doing the “bad” things that my friends were. Drinking – smoking – having sex – skipping out on the movies – swearing. Drinking was NEVER something I wanted to be a part of. I watched my mom go through it with my dad and with her parents. Besides – we were babies. But I was ALWAYS there for my friends. I was always the mom that took care of everyone – and I’m not complaining – it’s the role I wanted and loved. My parents had ONE rule. Don’t lie to me. If you lie to me – you have no more privileges. So I didn’t lie to them. We went to the Sayre Theater once and everyone wanted to leave and walk around town during the movie – I was like – NO WAY! My mom will kill me. Oh – she’ll never know. But I couldn’t just sit in the theater by myself – right? So I sat in the park – on a bench – in the dark. And then when my friend’s mom picked us up – I called my mom and said I was sick. She came and got me and I just cried. I said – I’m so sorry – we left the theater and you told me not to. I didn’t know what to do. I was such a rebel right? Anyway – that is my middle school existence.

In high school I stopped hanging out with those friends but still didn’t take part of the drinking and messing around. I always stood up for the underdog – or tried to. I got picked on and shoved to the side. But I always stood up for what I thought was right. And no one ever noticed. Or so I thought. My drafting teacher pulled me aside once and told me that a guy in our class had mentioned me to him after class. He said – what you see is what you get with Danielle – she does what she means and means what she says – and you ALWAYS know what her beliefs are and she always sticks to them. It’s awesome. Now – that same guy picked on me quite a bit – but I was making a difference.

In college I met a girl named Trudy. She was my RA. She took me in. I was so homesick and so miserable. I would bring my Bible in at night and read. She would ask me questions and we would look them up together. I would invite her to church with my cousins – she never came – but I always asked. I transferred to Mansfield in the spring and we stayed in touch through emails. So many emails. At the end of the semester she called me. So scared. She had just read the first Left Behind book. She said – the only person I thought to call was you. I don’t want to be left behind when Jesus comes back. What do I do? So I told her. You ask Jesus to be yours. You ask Him into your heart and life. You love Him. You are called to serve Him. That’s what you do. You tell Him that you are a sinner and that you need to be saved. You need to be saved from hell. You need Him to save you. You accept His precious gift of life that He gives us. He died for us. DIED. He was born so that He could die. So that we wouldn’t miss out on an eternity with God. That’s what you do. And she did. She was baptized later that summer. She was the first person that I ever helped come to know Jesus – to accept Him and His love into her heart! It was amazing!

We stayed in touch and helped each other through the rough times – the mistakes we made – the tears and the hurt. The mistakes – did I say that one? I moved into the suite and met the people that would form most of my college memories. I met Josh and we became fast friends. I tried my best to show Jesus’ love to them – failing ridiculously at times – of course. I fell into the role of mom again and took care of my roommates. Josh and I were tight – I found out his dad was a pastor. He started coming to FCA and CCC with me and we formed a really awesome group of friends. I loved Josh – but differently than he loved me. I was his dear dear friend. I hung onto hope – still being best friends. I made more mistakes. Several. On my 21st birthday I drank little bottles of Jose Cuervo – cus it WAS my 21st birthday after all. I felt like CRAP. We went up to the university to shoot pool and I laid on the couches. I cried. I apologized. I cried. I am NOT a fun drunk.

I met Jared and like most moments in my life – drama ensued. Jared was breaking up with his girlfriend – we got together not shortly after – I still had feelings for Josh. Lots of people were hurt and mad. Our friends eventually forgave us. They came back – most of them. They were going out one night and wanted me to go with – but I don’t go to parties – and I certainly don’t drink – that was evidenced earlier. Stupidity followed – to prove a point I drank. To prove the point that I was NOT fun. Josh was there the night of my 21st – he tried to reassure everyone that it was NOT a pretty sight. But I still did it. I went to the party. Jared was waiting in the dining hall for me to get back. I was crying and apologizing for getting drunk. Crying cus I was a horrible person. Josh looked at our friends and said – see? Told you so. That was the last time I drank. Jared and I got engaged a few months before graduation. We had a party at Jared’s parents and Josh gave me a card that said – thanks for being my light in the dark. I cried and hugged him – realizing that I wouldn’t be seeing one of my best friends every day – like I had for the past two years. Josh was a groomsman in our wedding – we are going to his wedding next month. I still cherish those memories and know that God put me in that suite for a reason. I messed up and made mistakes. But I was also the light I was hoping I would be.

Jared and I got married. We hosted different friends and family when they needed a place to crash for the night or weekend or month. Or semester. I mothered – like I always do. I messed up – like I always do. We were very comfortable with Jesus. Not going outside the box – not being challenged. Then I thought I was dying. I had horrible pain in my head. The left side of my face would go numb. I thought I was having a stroke. I would feel so much pressure in my head that I wanted to cut it open. For the first time in my ENTIRE life – I got on the floor and prayed. Crazy Christians do that – not me. I couldn’t believe that I was brought to the point of laying on the floor to cry out to God. I had more and more conversations with Him. Asking Him to help me – begging Him to help me. Praying I would make it through the day. After two months my doctor diagnosed me with TMJ disorder – very severe TMJ disorder. At last – an answer. But not an answer to the pain. For two years I tried it all – steroids – mouth pieces – acupuncture – herbal remedies – nothing helped. For two years I prayed and prayed and spoke Psalm 46 over and over and over and over and over. I pasted it to my desk at home and work. I had to remind myself EVERY DAY that God would help me. That He would save me at daybreak – just like the verse promised. I had never experienced such reassurance as when I would read that verse. I would put the whole thing here – but I want you to go look it up. Google it – whatever. It was the first place I opened my Bible and it was meant for me. Exactly for me. I felt for one of the first times in my life that God was really speaking to me. After two years of absolute awfulness – I was referred to Lewisburg to Dr. Robinson. He gave me the “retainer” that I wear now and improved my life 200% – and Jared’s life. He loves Jesus and I totally believe that God ordained our meeting. I blogged about it a little – way back.

Then we got pregnant! Then we miscarried. Then we were very very angry. Then we were very very depressed. For a very long time. It was a very dark time and I was VERY angry with God. I had arguments with Him. I won’t go into much detail – if you haven’t read the blogs – you are welcome to go back to the archives and read. They should be under baby barden or go back to March of 2009 and go from there. I blogged. People read. I blogged more. People read. I couldn’t believe that the hell we were going through would be of benefit to anyone. It was. I met SO many people who were also trying or had lost babies. I was able to photograph those people when they found out they were expecting. I was able to help them through their pain – pray for them and with them. I was able to converse with God without raising my voice nearly as often. I was able to share how Jesus loves me and you.

I was able to share a miracle. We got pregnant. We have an amazing baby boy. We’ve lost another but we hold onto Jesus – and each other. We are a little stronger than last time.

And now you are up to date on my life.

Life isn’t perfect. We all screw up. I think I’m right and you are wrong – most likely. When I am wrong – I will apologize – most likely. I am stubborn and sarcastic. I am confrontational. I will not allow you to walk all over me. I will defend myself and my family. I will agree to disagree but when you get mean and start throwing accusations – I’m not putting up with it. I am judgemental – even though I try VERY hard to not be – or at least keep that crazy at bay. I am loud. I am obnoxious. I like to be the center of attention. I like to be the boss. I love. I love my baby and my husband. I love my family and my friends. I love my readers and my clients. I listen. I encourage. I give great hugs. I pray. I don’t put up with ridiculousness. I am honest. I am loyal. I am confident – most of the time. I am passionate and emotional.

Most importantly I am loved. By Jesus. I am wanted. He died for me – and if I was the only person on the earth – He would have died for only me. I’m loved by my family and friends – but that doesn’t compare to how Jesus loves me. It never will.

Here’s the thing – people will fail you. Always. Your parents – your husband – your wife – your sister – your pastor – your best friend – your kids. Every time.

But Jesus NEVER does. EVER. He never forgets you – He never abandons you.

But Danielle – you miscarried TWO babies – don’t you feel like He forgot you? I did. But He didn’t. He was there – watching over us and holding that little babe’s hand in His.

But Danielle – what about my parents – they died – where was your God of love then? He was there. He is always there.

We live in a world that isn’t perfect. It’s sinful and broken. God created us with a free will. We chose sin. We wanted it all – who doesn’t? But those promises that satan was whispering in Eve’s ear were lies – they ALWAYS are. There is a battle for YOUR soul. God loves you but satan just wants to increase the population of hell – he hates you. He puts doubt in your mind. He stirs the pot. He asks the question – where is your God now? If this God loved you – He would have saved your baby or your parents – He doesn’t love you. In fact – no one REALLY loves you. Those are LIES.

There is a passage in Luke that my dad always brings up in response to questions like this. It talks about a tower falling and killing eighteen people. Were those eighteen people more guilty than all the others in Jerusalem? Jesus says NO! But unless you all repent – you will also perish. My dad sums it up like this – Hey Jesus – what about those people that died? What about that tower? Jesus says – here’s the thing – towers fall – people die – did they deserve it – no! But it happens. That’s why you need to be right with God. It could happen any time.

Because our world isn’t perfect – people get cancer – people are murdered – people are abused and abandoned. Babies are aborted – children are kidnapped. We live among thieves and liars and rapists and murderers and horrible people.

God loves us. He LOVES us. OH HOW HE LOVES US. Why can’t He stop the murdering and the abuse and the awfulness that is our world? Because we are sinners – because we chose sin. God didn’t create us to be drones – to be robots that bowed down to Him. He created us to love and to breathe and to choose. With that choice comes sin. It sucks. BUT HE LOVES US. He loves us SO much that He sent His son to earth. Born a sweet innocent baby – to take on my sin. Your sin. EVERY SINGLE SIN. Because Jesus was the perfect sacrifice for our horribleness – He died in our place. So that we could live. So that we could live forever in God’s presence. Without pain and anger and sin. Without fear and doubt and worry. A life full of worship and love.

We are here to love God and to love on each other. We are here to share this awesome news! God loves YOU! Accept His Son as your Savior. He will save you from hell. Admit your sins – your awfulness – ask Jesus to take them for you. Lay them down. He loves you and wants you. He is waiting.

How can I be so absolutely sad for me yet so completely happy for you?

I’ve written about it before – when you want NOTHING more than to hold a child in your arms – you’ve lost a baby and you are trying SO HARD to have another. And then someone you love – your dear friend or your sister – tell you they are expecting. The first emotion for me is absolute rage and jealousy. Yes – rage. How dare you tell me that you are expecting. Don’t you know what I’m going through? Don’t you know that I want to be the one with the great news to tell? You know you have happiness in your now very dark brown – almost black heart – for them – but you really don’t want to look for it. So you hug them or tell them congrats. Then you walk away and you cry and you scream. And you ask God why them and not me. Why aren’t they experiencing this heartache – not that I would EVER want them to – but why?

Looking back on it – I’ve lost a couple good friendships because I couldn’t answer that question. I couldn’t watch them grow and be excited about their baby when every month my test was negative. Again. I couldn’t bear when they hugged me and told me it would happen – in God’s time. Because in the meantime I had to watch God’s timing unfold in their life right before my eyes. While I waited. And waited. And waited.

In 2010 I had a giant falling out with a VERY dear friend. What happened doesn’t matter now – but what happened on top of the issue – was that she told me she was pregnant. Their due date was in October. About 10 days after what would have been our little guy’s first birthday. I remember those emotions reading her email. I was SO FURIOUS. I literally saw red. I called my dear aunt L and sobbed to her. It’s not fair. After all THIS and THEN I find out she’s pregnant! I was honestly more upset about the pregnant part than the other. I missed out on her pregnancy – the birth of her sweet one – and the first year of that little girl’s life. Because I couldn’t bear to see her pregnant and not me.

Another friend announced her pregnancy RIGHT after we lost Enoch – it was so fresh and so painful. We wanted to be pregnant together and the simple solution was to try again. We tried. And tried. And tried. And nothing. Again – I couldn’t bear to watch this friend enjoy this beautiful miracle while I wanted it – craved it – so badly. We are still friends now – but not nearly as close as we once were.

There are at least TEN other women I know who announced their pregnancies right around mine. It will be hard. It will be unfair. It will suck. Please know that when I’m not commenting on your photos or updates – it’s because I have to hide you on fbook. I can’t see the weekly updates. I get so angry and jealous. I question again – WHY US – AGAIN. It’s not you. It’s me.

My brother and his wife are having another baby in early April. Why can’t we join them in the happy pregnancies and welcoming of babies! It’s a horrible feeling to have – especially against your brother. An insane jealousy. A complete unfairness.

EVEN THOUGH – I am SO HAPPY for them – all of them. So happy that their hearts will grow a little more for this baby joining their lives! Happy that their arms are full of a smiling – sweet smelling – miracle! Happy that their prayers have been answered.

How can you be equally happy and so sad at the same time? It’s so possible. I’ve been there. I am there again. I am there EVERY TIME I look at my list of names and pray.

How can you get through?

Jesus. Forgiveness. Love. Prayer. Honesty. Hugs. Prayer. Tears. Prayer. Jesus. Forgiveness. You get it.

My brother and his wife are awesome. They know I am so happy for them and sad for me. They are sad about their niece or nephew they don’t get to hold. They know that when I can’t talk to them it isn’t personal – it’s just a hard day.

The first friend I talked about – I feel like it’s been 10 years since we’ve talked – or seen each other – it’s “only” been two years – two years too long. But SOMETIMES the heart needs time to heal – most of the time actually. We have both grown so much in 2 years. I have learned so much and Jesus has been hugging me and loving on me and showing me forgiveness. He has answered my prayer. For a baby. For a sweet beautiful wonderful amazing (sleepless) child. In His time – you have to know how much I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT TO ME. HATE. But – it’s true. Yuck. Jesus has forgiven me for my anger and my rage and my jealousy and my judging. And continues to forgive me cus I continue to feel that way.

This friend and I are now talking – we forgive and are forgiven. I miss her DEARLY. I am thankful for her forgiveness and willingness to make a new start.

Start this process with someone today – I know from experience that the worst that can happen is someone can tell you it isn’t genuine and to never speak to them again. It sucks. Or they can be a family member – and you try to ask what you’ve done wrong – can we fix this. And they totally ignore you. But YOU made the effort – you sought forgiveness. You apologized – genuinely. But the best that can happen is that you have a friendship again with someone you loved. Dearly.

Today Fitzy is 40 weeks old. FORTY. I cannot believe how much my life has changed in 40 weeks – I also can’t believe that in 12 short weeks our baby boy will be ONE!

LOOK AT THAT FACE! He is such a happy lovey baby!

That’s his newest favorite face!

He is such a little ham!

Oh Fitzy – I just adore your little face! You can hardly tell that you are so sick and stuffy.

Thankfully we got an antibiotic for his ear infection. He lost two pounds over the weekend since he stopped eating baby food but ate his breakfast like the normal piggy baby he is this morning!

He still gets up twice in the night but hasn’t been having his 4 AM parties – so that’s a plus!

In “new” baby news – I started bleeding a little yesterday and my doctor was awesome and got me right in for an ultrasound and blood work.

Yesterday marked 8 weeks according to my schedule. I’ve seen an 8 week ultrasound – I have a friend who is due right around the time we are and she was spotting and asked me to pray. She sent me the photos of her baby at 8 weeks. At 8 weeks on an ultrasound you can see a heart beating.

We didn’t get a photo yesterday. The tech measured my ovaries and then the gestational sac and the yolk sac. She told me that the blood work would have to confirm. I knew then. Even though I kind of knew something was wrong. With our first baby – I didn’t feel sick. I was exhausted but never sick. With Fitzy I was sick every morning. I haven’t been sick this time. I’ve been overly exhausted but not sick.

Our doctor called and told us the results – which I knew were not good. He said that he can’t tell for SURE but with blood work comparisons on Friday he will know for certain – but more than likely we will miscarry this baby. It looks like a blighted ovum – a type of miscarriage in which the baby either never develops or stops growing at a very early stage in pregnancy and then disintegrates – but a gestational sac does develop and the body does not recognize that the baby is missing. Googled that for you.

Now – it COULD be wrong – but I highly doubt it. Not because I don’t believe that God is still God and still performs miracles. But because I just haven’t felt right – haven’t felt pregnant. I haven’t really attached myself to this baby – it’s hard because once you’ve had a miscarriage you have this fear in the back of your mind that it will happen again. I had it with Fitzy but as soon as I was getting sick I felt better – I wanted to throw up EVERY MORNING if it meant that baby was still there.

Blighted ovum or not – I believe that life starts at the MOMENT of conception – so I believe that Enoch and our little baby (which I like to think would have been a girl – Joy (short for Joyce after my two grandmothers) Christina are in heaven. I believe that we will see them again. They have never felt pain or anger or fear or loss. They have only known the hugs of Jesus and His love and awesomeness.

So – it’s a waiting game to find out the comparative blood tests. Last time it took about a week after our ultrasound to miscarry.

More blogs will be coming once we find out the results and what not. I also plan on being back on facebook Sunday (I HAVE to make it to two weeks) BUT things will be completely different. I will not put up with crap. I will not put up with your insecurities that you blame on me. I will not participate in 13 year old gossip and attitudes.

I truly believe that God has used our miscarriage(s) to help those around us. Please keep praying for the now over 30 women and men on my list that want to hold sweet ones in their arms. You ask what you can do to help. Pray. Pray for me that anger and bitterness and jealousy and judgement don’t take over. I love to capture bellies and babies – but I get very angry when I should have had and don’t. I get bitter. I tend to pass judgement on who really deserves a baby or not. It’s not fair – but life’s not fair. PERIOD. So please pray that for me – cus I get angry about even the closest friends and family members that are pregnant or SEEM to not struggle with their pregnancies. And don’t tell me that at least we lost this “baby” while it wasn’t really a “baby” yet. I can promise you a kick in the neck.

To those of you who TRULY care and love us – thank you! I appreciate you more than you know! To those of you that don’t – I’m praying you can forgive me for whatever wrong I’ve done against you – if you are reading this and you think it’s about you – it most likely is.

Sometimes I’m a jerk. Sometimes I talk about people and get mad about things that never really happened – I just like to think they did. Sometimes I get jealous – really really jealous. Sometimes I state my opinion when in fact it would have been better in the long (and short) run if I had kept it to myself. Sometimes I’m selfish.

I want to be the hands & feet of Jesus – to go where He sends me. But I don’t want to be a jerk doing it.

Since starting barden photography – I’ve had the opportunity to mentor a few aspiring photographers – and it always seemed to burn me in the end. I’ve lost clients because bringing on an assistant didn’t work. I’ve lost clients to the people that were starting a business. I’ve been very VERY upset about this. I’ve felt cheated and hurt and in some ways betrayed. It’s been about MY feelings. I forget that I once was an aspiring photographer whose friends supported me. I started out at lower prices and clients came to me instead of “better – more established” photographers. I didn’t think of any of this then – because I wasn’t getting hurt. I’ve apologized and asked for forgiveness. I’m sure I’ve missed people. So – if I’ve been short when you asked for advice, if I’ve written a status on facebook that hurt you (which is a WHOLE other blog in itself) – if I haven’t encouraged you and supported you – I apologize.

When I decided to become a “photographer” and start my own business – I didn’t even think about having babies in the picture. Photography was my identity. Everything depended on the amount of clients and what clients stayed “loyal” to me. I’m having a VERY hard time with facebook lately. There are LOTS of photographers popping up all over – and I see my beautiful clients in their photos – and I think “why aren’t they in mine?” It shouldn’t matter – it doesn’t matter – in the long run. Why? Because it’s not why I’m here. It’s been an added bonus – but it’s not why I live and breathe. I live and breathe to share the love of Jesus. To be His hands and feet. To be a daughter – a sister – a niece – a friend – a wife – a mother. It’s awesome that God has given me this gift and vision to capture people. I’m thankful for that – and for all of you that I’ve met.

I’m not booking as quickly as I used to – and sometimes I freak out about that. I know that I am not the best – I know that I’m not the cheapest – I know that I am not that friend you are supporting with their new business. It still hurts. It still sucks. BUT – I am a momma now. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE spending time with this little boy. He is growing faster than I could have ever imagined and I feel like I am missing out – even though I am home with him. I have friends I’ve been praying for that are having babies. I have 20+ more friends that I am praying for to be blessed with babies. And I know that God is nudging me to focus on being a momma and a wife and a child of God – and a sister and a niece and a daughter and a friend.

And His hands and feet.

We had Fitzy dedicated at Liberty Bible Church on May 29th! My family was all here and we couldn’t think of a more perfect time to do it!

During a dedication we thank God for this beautiful baby – for lending him to us and asking His direction in raising him. Our families and the church agree to hold us accountable in raising Fitz under God’s direction! We asked Jared’s dad, Rob Fitzgerald, my brother, and Dan Fitzgerald to say a prayer for our little guy!

Derek asked if I wanted him to hold Fitzy up like in The Lion King – I said OF COURSE!

Our pastor – Lon – with the babe!

The Fitzgerald family – minus Dave & Christy!

Dan showing Fitzy some love!

My sister with her sweet nephew – Jessica and Derek with the little guy!

My parents and Jared’s parents with their first grandson!

We are so thankful for our parents and the love they have shown us! We’ve had GREAT examples to lead is into parenthood!

Thank You God for allowing us the joy of raising this baby! We pray above all that he grows up to love and follow You!

I love spring! I love the smell of fresh grass, the buds on all the trees, and the flowers – oh how I love the flowers!

Normally I document the coming spring at each moment – but this year we were in the hospital over those three days welcoming our own spring miracle!

Here are some of the shots I took last month!

Remember – God takes care of the flowers in the field – and YOU are so much more important to Him – He will take care of you!!

“We rode into town the other day
Just me and my Daddy
He said I’d finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man
That my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes

So I said “Daddy, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is He dressed in that bright purple robe?
I’ll bet that crown hurts Him more than He shows
Daddy, please can’t you do something?
He looks as though He’s gonna cry
you said he was stronger than all of those guys
addy, please tell me why
Why does everyone want him to die?”

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And Daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide

So after he left I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said, “Father, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for My robe?
This crown of thorns hurts Me more than it shows
Father, please can’t You do something?
I know that You must hear My cry
I thought I could handle the cross of this size
Father, remind Me why
Why does everyone want Me to die?
When will I understand why?”

“My precious Son, I hear them screaming
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe You in robes of My own
Jesus, this hurts Me much more than You know
But this dark hour I must do nothing
Though I’ve heard Your unbearable cry
The power in Your blood destroys all of the lies
Soon You’ll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look there below, see the child
Trembling by her father’s side
Now I can tell You why
She is why You must die”

Nicole Nordeman sings this song – powerfully!

if you are lost today – YOU CAN FIND PEACE!

if you are wondering if you are worth it – YOU ARE!

Jesus died for YOU! You are that little girl trembling – afraid – lost – and God LOVES YOU!

I pray that this Good Friday would be YOUR Good Friday!

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

That is the “verse” we have chosen for Fitzgerald as his life verse!

We are so excited to raise this little baby with God’s direction!

I don’t even know what the prize might be – but I want to run a contest about Fitzy’s birth!

Make sure to comment on this blog post with your guess on his birthday – the time – his weight – his length!

I’m not sure if there will be one winner or four!

THIS CONTEST ENDS APRIL 24th – which marks 38 weeks!

More than anything – I am so excited to see his little face!!!!

We have been attending Liberty Bible Church since October – and are loving it!

A few weeks ago – the sermon focused on the giants you face in life.

David faced his own giant in Goliath. Instead of seeing the giant and realizing the impossible – he saw the giant and realized the possible – that he couldn’t miss! David was an optimist – much unlike myself! He faced his giant and he won!

Our pastor asked what our giants were in our own life – addiction – anger – worry – hatred – you get the point.

Right now in my life – my giants are jealousy and anger and fear.

There are times that I still feel jealous and angry when I find out about someone expecting. When that person didn’t have to try very hard – didn’t have to struggle for a beautiful miracle – doesn’t even know what is lying in their own womb – so precious. It’s hard to have those feelings – to admit to those feelings.

I look at other photographers and wonder why I can’t be at their level. I look at everyone around me buying cameras and wonder where my business is headed.

I get so caught up with what I think should happen with my babies – Fitzy and barden photography – that I don’t let God take control. Remember – I am a control freak and giving that up – even to God – is very difficult.

I want to not worry about Fitzy – whether he has moved in a few hours or not – whether he is okay in there – what will happen when he is born and we bring him home and he is actually ours! What happens when I’m not a perfect parent and I mess up – make mistakes – will it affect him greatly. What happens when he is at a friend’s house and has a piece of hard candy and I’m not there to make sure he sits down while he is eating it! (I hate seeing kiddos with hard candy – it makes me a nervous wreck) When he goes to school that first day and I’m not there! His first sleepover – his first time driving – that first time driving without me in the car – when he goes to college – gets married – has babies of his own! Oh my!

I want to not worry about photography – will I get enough to make it by this month – will I get enough weddings for the year – will I lose the clients I love – will facebook really hurt me or help me! I love that God gave me this passion and talent – I love that I get to share it with so many of you. Through this blog and my sessions – my clients have become friends – dear friends! I’ve been struggling lately with some issues that I need to give to God in regards to this baby. Please pray for me!

So – those are my giants – what are yours ?

You don’t have to share them with me – or anyone – just think about it – pray about it – give it to God!