Today was our ultrasound appointment – to find out if we are having a baby boy or a baby girl!

Sunday will be 20 weeks – ALREADY! It’s going so slow but at the same time so fast!

I have been on team girl – but not the whole time. Jared is on team boy! I thought at first it was a boy – maybe – then my brother and his wife found out they were having a girl and I thought – hmmmm – maybe we are too! I’ve been shopping for little Rowyn (Derek and Jessica’s miracle) and have just been in girl mode – all the little cute outfits and accessories – I am just in love!

Today we determined a winner!

We are so excited to introduce you to …

Our son – Fitzgerald Derek Douglas Barden – Fitzgerald means son of a spear warrior and we wanted to honor Jared’s friends Dan & Dave Fitzgerald along with the whole Fitzgerald family – Derek means famous ruler and is also my brother’s name – Douglas means flowing from the dark river and is Jared’s middle name (along with his dad’s middle name)! We will be calling him Fitz!

Barden means barley valley – just looked that one up!

The pictures above are at 12 weeks and today – 19 weeks!! Everything looks great – 4 chambered heart – all organs and limbs and brain are right on target!

He is unmistakably a boy – since he was waving his parts at us!

The next 20 weeks are going to be so quick! Although I am sure there will be times that I wish it would fly by faster!

We are having 5 baby showers – so exciting!

On March 19th – a Saturday – we will be hosting an open invitation baby shower for friends/facebook friends/clients/blog readers at Liberty Bible Church!

On March 27th – my dear friend Johna will be hosting one!

On April 2nd – a Saturday – my sister will be hosting another open invitation baby shower for friends/facebook friends/clients/blog readers in the Athens area at Mount Pisgah Wesleyan Church!

On April 3rd my mom is hosting one for our little boy and my brother’s little girl!

On April 16th – Jared’s mom is hosting one!

I have had so many people say they want to come to a shower – and by no means am I having the open invitation showers for gifts – YOU ALL have been reading and sharing with me on journey – and I want you there to share in the JOY that is our baby!

I am so excited to be a momma to Fitz and love on all my boys!

About 4 or 5 years ago – we were sitting in the Fitz’s living room at Christmas and Christy starts telling me about her friend Rachel. Rachel was a school teacher but she loved photography. She took a leap of faith and started her own business and it was really starting to take off! Christy brought up her website and we browsed the amazing photos! I remember the newborns being BREATHTAKING!

Jared said – hey didn’t I walk down the aisle with her at your wedding – indeed he had! From that moment on I bookmarked her blog and have been reading ever since. When KT lived with us for that semester in college – we would look at Rachel’s blog every day and I would say – someday KT – someday I wanna have a business like Rachel – I want people to look at my work and feel that same emotion I feel when I look at hers.

Rachel – I can honestly say that though we never met or really corresponded till recently – that YOU encouraged me to quit my job as a secretary and follow my dreams. When I got discouraged I would go to your blog and read your words and see your photos and KNOW that this was my purpose!

You have inspired me and helped me get where I am today – THANK YOU! You have always been true to give God the credit and talk openly about your love for Jesus – thank you for that!

Which was why – when we decided to visit Dave & Christy – I KNEW that we had to book a session with you! I had hoped beyond all hope that we would be pregnant for our session – and look at that – we were! We had a great time with you and just loved getting to meet you and be in front of your camera. You honestly made us feel like we were old friends just playing in a field!

I cannot thank you enough for sharing your talent with us!

Make sure to check out our session on her blog!

I just got the link to our photos last night and I already have an order written out – but I have to look at them AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN just to make sure! THEY ARE AMAZING!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

I cannot believe that we are 15 weeks pregnant!

I’ve moved from morning sickness to all day sickness. I’ve had a migraine once every two weeks. I am exhausted. I started noticing stretch marks yesterday! I am so thankful for this miracle growing every day!

I plan on Jared taking two pictures of me every Sunday to document our weekly progress!

That is my mom’s shirt from high school – the most comfortable thing I own!

I love the way I look – not too crazy about the way I feel – but it’s all part of the package that I am so thankful for!

We have another appointment to check progress and what not on Friday. I have a slight problem where my placenta is resting on my cervix so we have to monitor that and check at our 20 week ultrasound to see if it has moved or not. At our US I want to find out what we are having – but we decided to ask the tech to write it on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope to open Christmas morning. We will go over to Jared’s parents and then call my parents, sister, and brother and all open it and find out together!

I went shopping with my sister in tax-free NJ last week and got all the maternity clothes I need! I am trying very hard to NOT buy anything for the baby – but I couldn’t help myself with a few items! I got a cute Thanksgiving onesie that says “I’m stuffed” and a fuzzy winter coat thinger that was too cute and on sale!

We registered for big baby gifts at Burlington Coat Factory with my mom and Aunt Lori. Once we find out what we are having we are gonna go with Jared’s parents to register for some more gifts! I cannot wait to have baby showers! I just can’t wait to share this joy with everyone that has cried, prayed, and hoped with us! I am thinking that I should have one in Athens – one in Troy – one in Mansfield – for facebook friends and blog readers! If anyone knows of any large venues to host a shower like that – let me know!!!

I am so behind on blogging sessions – so I will only blog belly pictures at 20, 25, 30, 35, and 40 weeks – but the weekly pictures will be on facebook!

Thank you again to everyone who reads my blog, supports my photography, and rejoices with us over this miracle!

My parents have a hen who wanted to be a momma so badly – so my parents brought some chicks home for her to mother!

HOW CUTE ARE THEY? These photos were taken in June – they are now grown chickens!

My parents have horses, chickens, cows, and a dog!

In early September my mom and I walked around the fields checking out all the animals!

My parents ALWAYS have monarch caterpillars on their milkweed!

There is no place like home!

We had our ultrasound appointment today!

We are 12 weeks and one day today! Our due date is May 8th – a Sunday – MOTHER’S DAY – which makes me cry!

Jared and I are absolutely in awe of this little life that is hanging out in my belly!

Such a sweet little baby – two arms and two legs – heartbeat between 160 and 170 – about the length of my index finger.

As I sit here and type I am just utterly in shock that this little miracle is inside of me!

God is so good – if you don’t have a relationship with Him – you need to.

We are still struggling with a girl name – we want Fitzgerald either way – so a girl might just be Fitzie Samantha!

I will be having a contest for sure about the DOB – height – weight – time of birth! It’ll be so fun!

Also – call me crazy but I want you all to be at the baby shower – how awesome would that be!!

Thank you again everyone for your prayers and your love!

Today is October 11th – your first birthday!

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you – the difference is that the tears come less and less when I do.

I imagine that you are walking now and getting into all sorts of things in heaven – I wonder if they have child locks?

I think about how different our lives would be if you were here. My day would consist of loving on you and cuddling instead of editing and capturing miracles for everyone else. I wouldn’t have gotten nearly as much sleep as I have. I would be marveling every day at the beauty of life and the miracle of your sweet smile.

Right now your daddy and I are waiting to see your little brother or sister – in 11 days. Something I doubted would happen.

I am so scared. I am so nervous. When we opened our eyes to see you – you were already gone – and it is the only way I know.

I am waiting to see your little sibling and be able to breathe again. We are waiting for your little cousin in February and as much joy as it brings, it brings tears to my eyes to know that you won’t play together – you won’t spend summers at Grammas – you won’t be able to be that bossy oldest cousin – like I was.

But – like I said – the pain of you not being here lessens every day – but that doesn’t mean we don’t love you any less – more actually.

Enoch – I can only imagine your face covered in that first birthday cake – smiling through the sugar. And it makes me cry and so happy to call you mine.

Happy birthday sweet son of mine.

Our baby at 20 months!

We love him!!

If you didn’t read my WAITING blog – make sure to check that out before you read this – search under the baby barden tab.

Our pastor had met with us in mid-August and told us that God was revealing to them that we needed to open our minds and hearts to having a child in our home that wasn’t ours biologically – then we would have our own children.

Within a week my heart was changing. I had nothing wrong with adoption or foster care – but they just weren’t options for us. I wanted to be pregnant with OUR baby.

I started to think more about foster care but I would never be able to give the babies back – then my heart started changing again. And I realized that if we could be in part of their lives for the time we would NEED to be there – it was better than the alternative – and I would be able to give them back.

I am a VERY stubborn person – so to listen to myself have this huge change of heart was so strange!

On Wednesday – September 1st – I was in the valley for some sessions and my Aunt asked if I could stop over and see if we could take my cousin’s baby home with us for the night. I stopped and packed him up and brought him back home with me for the night. He was so good. He never cried or whined – he laughed and giggled and never stopped smiling. He went to sleep at 10.30 and woke up at 4 – I got him a bottle and changed him and he went right back to sleep. In the morning I gave him a bath and fed him and ran about 15 errands – all the while taking him in and out of the car – and he was so good. I took him back to my aunt’s and swam in the pool and loved him some more.

When I came home on Thursday I felt a peace like I haven’t felt in the past year and a half. I talked with my Gramma on Friday morning and told her that having *B* overnight made me realize that Jared and I are NOT ready for this. We have been married for 6 years and are very comfortable in our lives together. There are lots of things that we have going on and we just aren’t ready – and I am okay with that.

For less than 24 hours I was FINALLY at peace about not having a baby – and then I get a positive test!

I started crying and called Jared – but couldn’t get him to pick up – which is usual for him. I called Johna and cried and laughed and could hardly get the words out!

I tried very hard to NOT get pregnant in August – I have a TEXAS wedding on 5.1.2011 and a wedding on 5.14.2011 and weddings all summer long – we are going to Scotland in July! I have plans – plans that I had control over – or so I thought!

I am still in total and utter shock and so thankful to a good and faithful God.

I had an appointment this afternoon to make sure that I was indeed pregnant and figure out due dates and what not. As of right now – yes we are pregnant. Our due date is mid-May until confirmed with an ultrasound!

Once we figure everything out – I will not be taking any appointments leading up to and after the baby is born – so the whole month of May, June and July – I will be keeping the weddings and appointments I already have though – unless you are a May wedding – then I have already talked with you and we are waiting to figure out what to do!

Once August and September roll around I will only be taking 2 to 3 appointments a week and they will be local to Mansfield (other than that one day that I make trips to the valley for my chiropractor appointments). I have been thinking about this for a while and I will mostly be focusing on seniors, brides, maternity/newborn/infants/kiddos and of course my weddings no more than twice a month. I will only be scheduling sessions after 5.30 once Jared gets home. It’s a very hard decision to make but I have been looking forward to having a little one for so long that I need to enjoy it!

I know that lots of people don’t think we should be announcing so early – last time we did – and when we had our miscarriage – it was hard.

I have shared EVERYTHING with all of you – every struggle – every heartache – every tear and fear. I NEED to share this joy with you all! I NEED all the prayers we can get!

I won’t be sharing much at all over FACEBOOK – it has been so hard to see everyone and their sister on FACEBOOK being pregnant and happy. I have friends that are still struggling with conceiving and I want to be as sensitive as I can be.

It’s still not fair. It’s never fair. It’s not fair that I have this news to share and there are still people struggling out there. It’s not fair that I am so scared about seeing that first US. It’s not fair that the thought of a miscarriage pops into my head.

I am still praying for those of you who are struggling – hurting – and just plain angry. For that particular friend out there – we just had a conversation about all this the other day – I am praying that your heart will change – like mine has started to. I know the stubbornness in accepting what you can’t control – and I struggle with it even now. I want God to speak to me – not thru my MIL or Dave or our pastor – but directly to me. It’s not how it works. I know that there is a baby out there for you and your family. I KNOW it!!

The only thing that has gotten me through this past year and a half – is Jesus – my relationship with God – and if you don’t have one – you should introduce yourself!

I will be blogging updates as often as I have them – thank you SO much for praying for us.

On September 1st – I was in the valley for some sessions when I met with my Aunt to see my cousin’s baby – *B*. He is the cutest, sweetest, happiest baby I have ever met!

My cousin was out of town for the night and so I brought *B* back to Mansfield with Jared and I for the night!

He never cried, never whined – just played and giggled. He slept till 4 and after I changed him and fed him – he fell right back asleep – a little angel!

How ridiculously ADORABLE is that face?

We had a GREAT time with him!

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and written a blog. I don’t have time. I have a wedding every Saturday and then at least 3 sessions a week – minimum. Right now – my blog is 4 weeks behind my schedule. I’ve thought about just blogging every other session or just using 3 or 4 pictures in each post. I can’t bring myself to it! I love all my clients and sessions and can’t bear NOT showing them to you!

It’s been an amazing 2010 for barden photography! I cannot believe the support, love, and encouragement you have all shown me! I can’t stress enough how much I love ALL of you and what you mean to me!

We are still trying to get pregnant. I am still confused and angry. I have at least 5 inquiries a week about newborn or maternity sessions. Every other day I find out about someone else being pregnant. Jared asked me the other day why I take the newborn and maternity sessions when they hurt my heart so much. i do it because I LOVE newborn and maternity sessions. Babies are such amazing miracles and capturing a woman’s body while that miracle grows inside her – just gives me chills. It’s amazing! I also choose not to refer them to someone else because I need to be joyful and happy about their blessing. I am so very angry with people that are pregnant – it’s nothing personal – just in general. I pray that God has children in our future – a pregnancy for me – in the future – but He might not. And if He doesn’t – I don’t want to live in anger all my life. I want to be happy for those people being blessed with a child. I want to be happy around those beautiful babies!

At our last appointment – almost 3 months ago now – we found out that Jared has a low count – bordering on infertile. My cycle is like clockwork but that isn’t helping. I’ve stopped the charting, the temperatures, any kind of control I have or had in the situation. Having control makes me stress out more that it’s not happening when I want it to.

I want to be a mother right now. I’ve wanted to be a mother since I can remember. I don’t know if I’ve written this before but when I graduated high school I was so upset that I would have to go to college cus I was supposed to get married and have babies – lots of them. Sometimes I guilt myself into thinking that if we would have never gone on birth control – then we would have babies – we might have a 5 year old today. Was it my fault – our selfishness?

Waiting and wondering is the hard part – and hoping. I feel that God is ignoring me – has pushed me to the side – marked me in his memo book to reply at a later date – if He remembers. I KNOW this is not true – but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way. Sometimes I feel like I’m at the middle of a tug of war with satan and God – and I’m screaming out – asking God to just pull me over the line to His side – but He just leaves me there in the middle of the tug.

I don’t understand why I’m watching so many people being blessed with pregnancy – and yet here we are – waiting and hoping.

I’ve had many people write to me on FACEBOOK or email me and tell me that my blog has helped them through their own loss or to better understand a family member that went through a loss like this. It means so much that this experience is helping others to cope – that I can help with an outlet for their own grief and anger. People have emailed me and asked me how I can be so strong in my faith – I wonder if they are looking at the same person I am looking at in the mirror. I feel like I am getting weaker by the day. It’s been over a year and a half since we started trying – including getting pregnant and having our miscarriage. I wonder how I can get through the next month and then realize that I’ve gotten through the last year and half – only by the grace of God.

My brother and his wife Jessica just announced they are pregnant – 10 weeks. They posted an ultrasound picture on FACEBOOK – their precious miracle. 10 weeks is when we lost Enoch and looking at that US picture and knowing that is what I was hoping to see – breaks my heart. It is the strangest and most complicated emotion I have ever felt. I am so incredibly happy for my brother and his wife – to be an aunt to this sweet baby. I am so sad that it isn’t us. I am so confused and don’t understand why it isn’t us – why we couldn’t have news together – why I’m not holding my 9 month old baby and my sister’s 21 month old baby – waiting for their cousin to join the world. Instead – Samm and I have babies holding each other’s hands in heaven.

Our options are to wait – to go ahead with IUI and if that doesn’t work – in vitro. I am praying that God would lead us in the right direction – that He would show us the way. Like I said – I feel like He doesn’t speak to me on this topic – I have no idea what He wants for us – what we should do. I believe that if God has a baby in store for us – He can make that happen. It’s if He does or not. I’m praying that if He does – He will calm my heart – give us peace – and if He doesn’t – He will take this desire from me.

I am trying to enjoy life for what it is instead of worrying about what it isn’t. I wake up thinking about babies and go to sleep thinking about babies. I see babies in my job, at church, at WAL*MART, everywhere.

Thank you all for praying for us and encouraging us. We love you. so. much.