I have so much running through my mind. So many things I want to say and get out. This may be scattered – but I need to write.

Our doctor called today – on a Saturday – to talk to us about our ultrasound. He asked if I was bleeding yet. Yet. That word stuck out to me. I told him no. He said that the heartbeat looked slower than they would like to see. There was a tear and some bleeding under the sac. He didn’t want to give up hope – but …

It sucks. It hurts. I’m so sad. I’m not really angry anymore – I was the first time – for a LONG time. I was very angry at God. How could He. We’ve been nothing but good followers of Him – and this is what we get? We deserve better – we deserved a baby – we deserved to NOT lose a baby. It took me a long time to get over this. A long time.

When we got pregnant with Fitzy – I had given up hope. I had decided that Jared and I were gonna be fine with just the two of us – maybe I preferred it actually. Besides – we had Schrute and barden photography was booming – those would be my babies. Then out of nowhere – BAM. We get pregnant in the exact month I had told God that I could not get pregnant in. I was gonna go to Texas to shoot a wedding May 1st. Fitzy was born April 28th. Other than a little placenta previa – I had a perfect pregnancy. Morning sickness – sure. But that was pretty much it. And as far as deliveries go – it really was quick and kinda sorta as easy as it can kinda be? Other than the whole sleeping thing – he is a perfect and wonderful and happy and beautiful miracle in our lives. One that I never thought would be here.

Even as I sit here typing – I look at his perfect little face and can’t believe that he kinda belongs to us. That God loaned this miracle of a child to us. He trusted. Us.

So – again. I’m here with tears streaming down my face. Preparing myself to say goodbye to yet another baby that I won’t hold in this lifetime. I know what you’re saying – don’t give up so easily Danielle. I’m not. Really. But I’m a realist. I’m a “life is pain” kinda person. I get it. Life sucks sometimes. It is in no way fair. I prepare for the worst and then I am pretty happy in life when it’s NOT the worst.

Do I believe in miracles? Yes. ABSOLUTELY.

Do I feel that way that I felt with Fitzy this pregnancy. No. I had the migraines – but two or three of those were before I was even pregnant. I haven’t been sick. I’ve been exhausted – but I have a child who only needs the BARE minimum of sleep to get by and a ton of work to do. I’ve been really crampy – and not the crampy I was with Fitzy. I’ve been cautious. It’s the only way I know how to be.

Seeing that ultrasound yesterday eased my worries – but I would be lying if I told you I felt great afterwards. I was still cautious. I felt better – but not the best.

I’m sad. I’m just sad. Sad that we can’t enjoy pregnancy. Sad that we are always wondering and waiting – will it be like last time? Sad that I have friends I need to be happy for (call me selfish – that’s fine). Sad that all day long I think – wait – what was that? Am I bleeding now? Just sad.

I have no idea if any of this made sense. Blerg. I know that some of you out there might be reading this and thinking – hey Danielle – where’s your God now?

Oh – He’s here. And He loves me. And He loves Jared. And He loves Fitzy. And He loves this little baby struggling to hold on. Just because I’ve decided to love God and follow Him – doesn’t mean that life is easy – in my opinion it’s SO MUCH HARDER than choosing not to. I’ve written before that Jared and I have been through what most married people don’t go through in 16 years of marriage in just half that. It hasn’t been easy. But it would be MUCH harder without God.

So – thanks to all of you praying. Thanks to all of you holding us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

This morning we had an ultrasound.

I thought I was about 8 weeks along – turns out – not so much. The tech figured about 6 weeks and 4 days.

Either way – we got to see a teeny baby!

I saw a little heartbeat on the screen and my heart skipped a beat! That baby is TEENY TINY and it has a heartbeat already! God is SO good!

When it does come time to reveal whether baby is a boy or a girl – the name will be kept a secret this time – considering all the grief we got with Fitzy!

I have been so cautious and preparing myself for the worst – it’s nice to breathe a little easier!

Keep those prayers coming for a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy – I appreciate you all SO MUCH!

In light of our family growing – another change has to be made.

I HAVE to cut back on photography. HAVE TO.

That being said – I will not be taking clients during the months of March – April – May – June of 2013. UNLESS we already have your wedding scheduled OR you are a baby package client that needs photos during one of those months – in which case I hope to connect with you today!

I will ONLY be taking portrait sessions from current clients – any new clients that contact me I will refer to some AMAZING local photographers that I know! With the exceptions of seniors and new babies – but those will be VERY limited! It’s really hard for me to say no – but I’m gonna have to start. I can do 1 wedding a month and no more than 5 sessions a month.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job – but like I’ve said before – I love my family more and with another sweet baby – I need to prioritize my life!

THANK YOU AGAIN for all your support and prayers and love!

Fitzy is AMAZING! He is so smart and joyful! He isn’t walking by himself yet – and I tend to compare to everyone else and wonder why he is so far behind – but crawling gets him there faster!

He knows where is nose and his ears and belly button are – and LOVES looking for YOUR belly button too!

He says ball and dada and mama and book and baba and a few more! He loves to shake his head no and wave his arms when he means yes! He LOVES to be in the water and looks forward to his morning bath in the sink!

He LOVES to look through all his books before we get out of bed in the morning!

He has two more teeth coming in on top!

I LOVE THAT FACE!

LOOK AT THOSE TEETH! My mom has a picture of me like this – we look SO much alike!

The past month has been so busy – crazy with weddings and photography and conferences and plans and just life in general!

I’ve been having migraines (which I was pretty much over) about every week or so the last month and I told Jared – after the 4th one in 3 weeks – that I must be pregnant.

When I was pregnant the first time in 2009 – I didn’t have any symptoms. When I was pregnant with Fitzy – I had migraines and morning sickness and was SO tired. When I was pregnant this January – I didn’t have any symptoms – which is how I knew that we would be miscarrying.

Well – I took a test and had an appointment this morning – and the results are in!

We are pregnant!

I’m excited and scared. Mostly scared. This is our 4th pregnancy with 2 out of 3 ending in miscarriage. If we have another miscarriage – we are done. It’s too hurtful and emotionally taxing. I’ve been a little crampy and then remembered that I was with Fitzy in the early early weeks.

This baby would be due March 19th. Our first miscarriage was March 17th. So – I’m praying that this baby is intended for our arms and will complete our little family!

We are sharing so early because we covet your prayers! Pray that this little baby is healthy and comfy in my belly. Pray that we could be excited and not spend our days in worry.

And pray that those women and men out there crying out for babies of their own have their miracles!

13 months – well now 14 since I’m so behind! Fitzy has been with us for more than a year – it’s unbelievable!

Here are some pictures throughout the month of May!

He is the happiest baby!

He loves getting into the kitchen cupboards!

He loves his momma – and I love him!

That picture on the left is the last one I took before my stupid 40D bit the dust.

HELLO HANDSOME!

I LOVE THOSE SHOTS! His hair looks so red in the sun!

He loves his dada too!

Fitzgerald – you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen! We love you!

Fitzy’s birthday fell on a Saturday this year – so we had a party!

I am not a huge birthday or party person. I HATE my birthday – since 1997 – it’s been awful – something always happens and it’s not good. Most of the time it’s several somethings happening.

ANYWAY – it was his first birthday and while he won’t remember it – there were lots of people that love him that wanted to remember it! My in-laws hosted for us and we had such a good time!

Before his party I took him outside for a few birthday shots!

Of course he fell asleep RIGHT before his party started!

Samm and I made the GIANT cupcake!

*J* was SO excited about his cupcake!

I think *J* liked hers too!

We let all the other kiddos “help” Fitzy open his gifts! They LOVED it!!

I LOVE THAT FAT LITTLE FINGER!!

*A* had such a good time playing with all the little presents too!

I LOVE THAT BOY!

We put him right in the tub – which he loves!

THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone that celebrated with us! We love you all and love you so much for loving our little guy!

Aunt L – thank YOU for letting me enjoy the day and taking most of these pictures! I love YOU!

*V* is my cousin. In my mind she is still 8 and a flower girl in my wedding. She will be 16 this year and it makes me shudder. She is beautiful and wonderful!

SERIOUSLY!

MY FAVORITES!!!

She brought her prom dress and we spent some time in our backyard shooting!

I LOVE THOSE SHOTS!

MY FAVORITES!!!

Oh – those ones too!

*V* – guard your heart and be yourself! WE LOVE YOU!

While Derek and Jessica were home I took some updated family photos for them!

*J* is almost a month old in these photos – such a handsome little boy!

I LOVE THOSE SHOTS! Look at her little dimple!

I LOVE THAT PICTURE – everything about it!

That last one is mu favorite!

It was SO good to see you guys – love you lots!

In early May my brother and his wife came home to visit with their two little babes!

She is such a sweet girl!

Our updated family photo!

My sister and her hubs – the professor (really it’s xavier – but I like to call him the professor)!

Little *A* and *J* – sweet ones!

COUSINS!! Fitzy loved baby *J* – he wanted to kiss him all day!

Fitzy loves to lick the fruit book! He is a crazy baby!

Reading – Mr. Brown Can Moo – Can You? – it’s Fitzy’s favorite book!

Fitzy likes to bite. Toes. I love this series of pictures because it pretty much sums up the whole time with *R*. He wasn’t sure about sharing “his” grandparents with her and he always wanted to bite her feet. I love the look on my mom’s face and her wagging her finger at him.

We can’t wait for Fitzy to spend more time with his cousins!

While Fitzy’s birthday isn’t until Saturday – he was born on the last Thursday in April – which is today!!

I cannot believe that this little – well – NOT so little – guy has been here for 52 weeks. 52 Thursdays.

I’ve really been sucking it up with blogging lately. Working from “home” and being a wife and a momma is TOUGH. I am so behind on editing – cleaning (what’s that) – and I just feel stretched too thin. I am so glad that I took time off this year from photography. Normally my schedule is CRAZY packed. I feel like right now it’s just enough – although – like I said – I am crazy behind on editing.

SO much has happened this year – ON TOP of being parents for the first time!

Jared and I started a marriage blog – the marriage fight – and since then I feel like we’ve done NOTHING but argue – giving us LOTS of topics to cover.

This year I have discovered that having Jesus in my life is SO IMPORTANT. More so than any other years – even 2009 – which was EQUALLY horrible. Without Jesus living in me I would have given up a long time ago – on a lot of things.

God heard the cry of my heart. He gave me a BEAUTIFUL baby and a renewed hope. He has given me an amazing husband and the strength to work through our struggles and come out REFINED. God is CRYING out to you today. YOU WERE BORN FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS. How POWERFUL is that? God brought YOU into THIS moment and THIS time for a very specific reason. I keep trying to remember that as we go through these past few months and the months to come. Jared and I both feel called to be a ministry – to YOU. The best way for us to share God’s love is to blog. Starting this marriage blog was something we felt God was urging us to do. WE WERE BORN FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS.

YOU HAVE A PURPOSE – a DIVINE purpose – and God is using you RIGHT NOW – even if you feel like you are in the middle of absolute CRAP (cus I’m feeling it) – HE IS REFINING YOU. He is bringing you to your purpose. HE LOVES YOU. OH MY WORD HOW HE LOVES YOU. Answer that cry. Don’t wait. He will TRANSFORM your life!

Thank you God for bringing Fitzy into our lives. He is an amazing little boy. He worships You – he raises his little hands (something I’ve been doing at home lately but just can’t do it in public yet) and he closes his little eyes and lets the music flow over him. He reaches out to You. It is the most amazing and heart warming experience I’ve ever had. Our struggle to have him has brought so many closer to You and to hope. You are already doing amazing things through him. I only pray that in the time you are lending him to us that we can help shape and mold him into the man you intend him to be. I can’t even think about him all grown up – the tears just come faster and I can’t see to type – so – thank You for him.

Happy 52 weeks here with us Fitzy! We love you!!

Jared went to my wedding on Saturday with me! He is such a good guy. I was SO sick – on Friday I woke up with a little sore throat and by Saturday morning that little sore throat had turned into a BIG sore throat. I felt like I was swallowing glass ALL DAY. I have never had to bring my own six pack of water and box of tissues and cough drop stash to a wedding. And you know that sudden urge to cough – which is what I did all day – that you CANNOT hold – yea – that happened during the ceremony. Fitzy is equally sick – poor guy – all these weather changes and then trying to make him social and expose his little immune system in turn exposes you to all the other little sickies. He stayed with my parents all day – THANKS MOM & DAD – and got the grandpa and grandma cuddles he so needed!

ANYWAY – as you know – we’ve had some pretty rough months – YEARS – in our married life. Things that we have learned from and grown closer because of – things that have made us so mad at each other and things that have caused us to fall in love more and more.

On the way to and from the wedding we talked about what God has for us. Our ministries. And blogging is a big part of that. We write about almost everything – except our marriage – our struggles – our joys – our fears – our hopes – our expectations – what it’s like to invite God into your marriage. After writing the blogs about the P word from a he said – she said perspective we tossed around the idea of doing more postings like that. I have a list of topics we can touch on – but then we had a better idea – what do YOU want to know!

Cus you know – Jared and I are EXPERT marriage advice givers. Riiiight.

We got SO many responses from the P word blog that we thought – why not give this a shot. YOU pick the topic. Jared will write about it then I will give my version – or vice versa.

We have a few ideas already but really wanted to see what YOU are struggling with – it’s probably some of the same stuff we are. Here’s the thing – marriage isn’t easy. And I’ve had enough conversations to know that Jared isn’t the only guy that does what he does – or doesn’t do. Men and women are SO different but God MADE them to compliment each other – a matching set.

We will be keeping it real. We will be getting ugly sometimes – cus life is ugly sometimes. You might cry. You might stop reading. You might get mad. You might be encouraged to work on your relationship that’s been crumbling. You might be led to ask Jesus into your lives AND your marriage.

So – comment – email – facebook – whatever – but tell us what topics YOU want to read about! And keep an eye out for the NEW website we will be using to host these discussions!