At the end of September – we spent the day with our friend Aszur and her family!
She took a few shots of us on their property – thank you Aszur – I LOVE them!
I am so in love with our little family! It’s been a difficult year – and we are so looking forward to moving on and embracing what life has in store for us – even if it’s more rough roads (which seems to be the norm for us).
Seventeen. I cannot believe that Fitzy’s been here for 17 months!
I brought Fitzy along on a session – which I don’t like to do – but Jared was along in no time to pick him up!
OH MY HEART! I cannot even deal with the cuteness!
I LOVE that series – so sweet!
One more shot – on my way home from the session with the *B* family that night!
BEAUTIFUL!
Today is Thursday – October 11th – your 3rd birthday. I have a dear friend who has a daughter your age. It’s bittersweet. I love watching her and witnessing her growth – but it reminds me of the little boy you would be.
I truly believe that you had your daddy’s eyes – a sea green. You would probably be tall like your little brother. You would love Fitzy. You would be building legos together and reading books. You would love your grandparents and spend all day in the field with gpa Trout or dancing with gma Barden.
I have a picture of you in my head – but sometimes I just like to keep it safe in there instead of describe how you look to me.
You’ve got your hands full in heaven – with a little brother and sister – cousins too. I’ve wondered before if you have birthdays in heaven – but I’d like to think you do.
Today you’ll play with your little friends – maybe run through a sprinkler. You’ll open presents – mostly just cotton candy – since it’s easily made in the clouds. You’ll eat cake and ice cream. It will be a great day!
I’ve been really sad lately. I’ve been really angry. And jealous. Your daddy struggles with anxiety – and it’s been pretty bad lately. I’m trying to help him – but it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m wishing for the year to be over – we lost two more babies this year and it seems like it’s been years since it happened. I take pictures of people that have babies when we should have. It’s hard. I love capturing those moments for them but I can tell you that I cry on the way home. Sometimes even on the way there. It’s funny how time as a whole seems to go SO fast but as a day by day process – it creeps by at an extremely slow pace. We found a house we loved. It didn’t work out. I’ve been so very sad about it. I’ve been so angry with people that were able to move whenever they wanted. I’ve been so jealous. I’m trying to be excited about this house we are in. But when I look around at all that NEEDS to be done – I get sad again. We need to do SO much to this house to make it even remotely what we might want. I see a mountain – that I don’t want to climb. A mountain I never wanted to be standing on in the first place. Maybe it’s because I’m home all day and I just see every little thing that I don’t like. Sticking it’s tongue out at me – teasing me. But I’m having a very hard time accepting that we are here. To stay.
I’ve also had a really hard time trusting. It’s been a really hard year and your daddy and I know that we will get through this rough patch – but the hits keep coming – knocking me down again and again.
I feel like God has forgotten me. Seriously.
Now you have to understand something about me that might surprise you – or not. I have control issues – you know this. But I also have trust issues – because I have control issues. When you think you’re in control – the only person you trust is – yourself.
I don’t trust God – wholeheartedly. THAT might surprise you. I talk about it a lot – that God is in control and He will do what He does. But when I really truly think about it – I don’t completely trust Him. Or maybe it’s better put this way – I don’t trust that He will indeed make it all good.
I just needed to get it all out there – and since you are hanging out in heaven with JC all day – I thought maybe you could cheer me on as I try to embrace a new attitude of trust. I want to be happy in His will – not just wishing I was.
Little Enoch – we miss you terribly down here. I can’t believe that we’ve spent three years without you in our arms. I never knew your face but I see it everyday. I never heard your voice but I hear it now and then. You are loved. You are missed. But for some reason – heaven needed you more than we did.
We live in Jared’s grandparents’ house (and it’s looking more and more like we won’t be moving to Wellsboro (insert sad face) so I better start saying OUR house) – and while his grandparents are here in PA – they stay with Jared’s parents.
They left a little early this year and I wanted to make sure to get some photos with them!
My dear friend Megan came up and took these photos really quick for us –
After dinner I took these ones!
SO SWEET!
OH MY HEART!
16 months in this photo – 16 months going on 5 – oh my goodness!
Megan – thank you SO much for coming up and taking a few shots for us!
Outlaws – I love you dearly!
*M* is my favorite four year old!
Her cousins were visiting so we took advantage and got some shots with them!
She looks TOO grown up!
BEAUTIFUL girls!
She LOVES LOVES LOVES Fitzy! And her is pretty fond of her too!
*M* – I love you so much! I can’t believe you are FOUR!
Dear Fitzy –
Exactly two years ago – we took a test. A test that tested our faith. A test that showed us the true meaning of a miracle – even though we didn’t know the extent of that miracle at the time. A test that answered our prayers. A test that changed our lives. Forever.
Today is your aunt Samantha’s birthday – as fate would have it. You are so blessed with so many people that love you. We are so blessed with YOU.
You make me smile every day. Your laugh is the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. You are so good at letting us know what you want. You are sleeping better (which I hate to announce for fear of jinxing myself – and since I wrote this a week ago – I have) and you love to eat!
You are starting to run and love to climb on EVERYTHING!
OH MY HEART!
We love you so much!
“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” – Westly to Buttercup in The Princess Bride – one of my favorite lines ever.
My biggest obstacle in all this is accepting – plain and simple – that life’s not fair. It’s really hard to get over – especially this time.
People ask all the time – oh you only have one child – you HAVE to have more – you know that right? When are you gonna have more?
What I would like to say is this – if it were only that easy. I would love to just decide to get pregnant this month and BAM! – it happens. But it doesn’t work that way – at least not for us. Maybe for you – maybe for people you know. But not us.
What I’ve been saying is this – well – we’ve had three miscarriages – two since Fitzy was born – so I have no idea. It’s uncomfortable. It’s weird. But I don’t know what else to say without being very sarcastic and mean.
Jealousy is the big thing right now. I am so angry and jealous at anyone who has more than one baby – even some that have “just” one. I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for some and so “easy” for others – i say “easy” because I’ve been accused of not knowing the situation and jumping to conclusions that it was “easy” for someone. In my parents case – my dad pretty much just had to look at my mom and she got pregnant. No scary pregnancies. No longing for a child. No wondering if it would all be okay. So for some people – I know it’s easy. And that makes me so jealous. Why us?
Right now – I prefer to just stay at home and not be out. Not have to answer the hard questions – not on my part – I don’t care. But people get uncomfortable. Thankfully I have friends that make sure I see them and stop by – unannounced even.
Last week I wanted to just have surgery. Make it so that we can’t get pregnant anymore – so we don’t experience this heartache anymore. There is still part of me that thinks we should. But it’s an emotional response and one I just ultimately can’t do. In a year we will look at our lives and see where we are. Pray that God would maybe sorta kinda reveal a little bit of His plan for our lives and what we should be doing – what He has for us.
But life is pain. It’s gonna happen and it’s gonna happen over and over – maybe not the same pain – but pain nonetheless.
So I enjoy my beautifully painful life. Sometimes it’s hard – but I will. I enjoy this baby that God has blessed us with and the time we have with just him.
Thank you so much for praying – for texting – for messaging – for loving.
Please remember to pray for those I know – you know – the people you don’t know – that desire to be parents. Pray that God would calm their hearts and answer their prayers – with a YES – because while I sometimes think prayer is useless – sometimes I don’t.
Before you read this devotional from Ron Hutchcraft – make sure you read the blog I wrote last night.
And then imagine my face when I opened this in my email this morning.
WAITING FOR THE BABY
RON HUTCHCRAFT – A WORD WITH YOU
FRIDAY – AUGUST 10, 2012
Someone said the best cure for the population explosion would be if men had to have every other baby. That would slow it down considerably! I’ll tell you, there’s something that women know about that process, though, that leads to life. A woman, particularly in her first pregnancy, is introduced to a long, sometimes very difficult life process. She knows she wants the baby; there’s no question about the results, but it’s the process she has some questions about sometimes: nausea, discomfort, her body’s doing things it never did before. And the months sometimes feel like years. And last but not least, there are the labor pains. That day alone can seem like one of the longest in her life. But then…then the baby comes.
You know, a lot of life is like child bearing. A long, sometimes unpleasant process is often the only route to the joyful result you want.
I’m Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A Word With You today about “Waiting For the Baby.”
Now, our word for today from the Word of God is found in John 16; it’s about that motherhood experience, and I’m reading from verse 21. Jesus said, “A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come. But when her baby is born, she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.” She was waiting for the baby, the process was painful, long, and difficult, but the baby came and erased all the bad memories of the process. A painful process that leads to a glorious result.
Now, what’s the uh… baby in your life right now? I don’t mean some little infant, but for you, maybe it’s the goal you’ve been striving for, the dream you’ve hoped would happen and you thought would happen, the outcome you’ve been praying for – you’ve been believing God for. Maybe it’s an outcome for one of your children, or a dream related to your career, something you’ve prayed for in your ministry, or your marriage. Maybe it’s a financial recovery that you’ve been counting on happening and trusting God for, or a physical recovery; an answer to some fervent prayer; a cry from your heart. But it’s taking so long, just like a baby.
It’s causing so much pain; you didn’t know it would be this tough, just like a baby. It’s causing things to happen to your feelings, and to your life that you never counted on, just like a baby. The process that will get you to that result has caused you to lose sight of that result that you were hoping for. Maybe you’re questioning whether or not it will ever happen. You’ve prayed for it, but you’ve got doubts now.
Well, I’m going to tell you today, “Hang in there!” Jesus was saying to His disciples, “You’re going to go through some times when the process is going to be so difficult, so long, you’ll despair that the result will ever happen. Hang in there, guys! Remember, the God of the outcome is also the God of the process. You’re trusting Him for the result. Well, can you trust Him for the process even though it’s difficult; even though it’s longer than you thought? Trust the processes of God, not just the results. He’s working through this process right now.
And as confusing as it may seem to you, He’s trying to prepare you, to prepare others, and to do it in a way that will call everyone’s attention to His love and power. When the baby comes, there’ll be no question that God gets the glory for it.
That means that sometimes it even has to get worse before it gets better. Just ask any woman who has been through labor. The process is difficult but right on schedule. And when that baby comes, well it will make the process worth it all.
I’m the oldest of three. I have a sister and a brother. Growing up – someone was ALWAYS left out – usually me or Derek. I always said that I would never have an odd number of children – cus someone is always left out!
When Jared and I were first dating – I made some smart remark about how I would NEVER have an only child. His mom – who is sweeter than candy – set me straight. She said – oh we wanted more – and tried – but God only gave us Jared. I was quick to not make that remark again.
You never know what people are going through. You don’t know the story behind their lives. But the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. No matter what.
I’ve always wanted 4 kids. I even had names – of course it would have been 2 boys (Christopher William and Andrew Scott) and 2 girls (Bailey Russell and Sierra Alexis) – yea – I totally remember. But I was totally gonna start having them RIGHT after high school – with my husband that I met in high school. Right. That happened. After having Fitzy – I rethought my 4 kids plan. Dude – it’s hard work. FOUR? All by myself during the day. Heck. That’s crazy! And I am starting at 30 and not 18 like I planned. So in my current reality – 2 is a great number for us. But in my dream world of being a mom at 18 and done at 24 with 4 kids – heavenly!
I realized today as the doctor told me there was no heartbeat for our little baby – our number four – that I am a momma of 4. I’m just gonna have to wait till heaven to meet the other 3.
Here’s the thing. I’m tired. We are tired. I’m broken. I feel defeated.
INSERT WARNING – if you don’t want to hear me whine a little (or a lot) stop reading. If you don’t wanna hear me say that I am doubting a few things – stop reading. If you insist on telling me that God does have a plan for my life and He IS in control – I KNOW THAT – stop reading. This blog entry isn’t gonna be about soft kittens that poop rainbows. It’s gonna be about raw hurt and emotions. So if you can’t handle that – seriously. Stop reading.
Anyway – I feel defeated. Like I said in my previous post. It’s not fair. I’m sad. It’s not fair that we don’t get to enjoy pregnancy. It’s not fair that I’m always wondering in the back of my mind if something is wrong. It’s exhausting. I see my friends have baby after baby and talk about how babies are fruit of the womb and gifts from God. Why are our babies being taken away? Am I doing something wrong? Cus then I get all judgmental and think – well I know what this chick does in her free time and she’s got 5 or 6. How on earth does God’s plan include losing babies – what good is that gonna give me? Like I said – I know that His plan is perfect and wonderful. But tell me how THIS is perfect and wonderful. And yes – I know that we can’t see it. But you can’t tell me that you don’t want to? That you don’t want to know?
Why is it that 2012 has already SUCKED bad enough and now this? We started out the year losing a baby – which would have been born next month – and in that span have already lost another? Why is it that we can’t sell our house? Why did we have to go through the roughest patch in our marriage? We could have bought – but we didn’t. It would have been foolish – so we listened to God. And here we are – still stuck. We forgave and loved – to be welcomed by this hurt? I know – I know – WOE IS ME. Yes. I have a BEAUTIFUL baby boy – an absolute miracle (which if I never thought he was – I sure do now). I have a great husband who loves me and cries with me and puts up with me and puts up with me – did I say that? I have a family who is awesome – a roof over my head – a great job that I’m great at.
BUT – dang it – I’m mad. And sad. And angry. And jealous. And forgotten. Have you ever felt forgotten? If you are a girl and you were a teenager at some point – I KNOW you have. I just feel shoved to the side. I feel like I am watching all these people around me – revel in their blessings and happiness and here we are – barely hanging on.
I don’t doubt that God loves me. I don’t doubt for one SECOND that Jesus died for me (and you). There are a few things I’m unsure of – but I just don’t know if this is the place. I’ve got enough stuff going on right now. And I don’t doubt His plan for our lives. I’m just not sure what the WHAT He’s thinking.
When we lost Enoch in 2009 – it started a connection with people I would have never met. That was beautiful and I now see the beauty from pain. But couldn’t it have happened another way? Did I have to lose a baby for those connections to happen?
What the heck – I’m just gonna say it. Sometimes – I think it’s useless to pray. I’ll get crap for that one – don’t worry. But I’m serious. Here’s the thing. People – LOTS of people prayed for our little baby this week – prayed for a MIRACLE. And it didn’t happen. Our little babe didn’t hold on and beat the odds – despite HOURS of praying.
In 2011 – I prayed for 5 certain families to get pregnant and have babies. All 5 of them did. Within two months of each other. I just looked up the meanings of their names – this is crazy.
A – fiery. C – from the heavens. E – the Lord is my God. J – fire of the Lord. E – the Lord is my God. See the similarities? I don’t believe in coincidences.
Did my praying aid in all that? I’m not saying – oh look at me – I’m magical and have a special connection with God – cus He totally answered my prayer and then blew my mind about it. But guess what – I am His child and I do have a relationship with Him – and in that – the power of Jesus. So if you give me this situation – I would argue that prayer KICKS BUTT.
Why not in ours? Why are we grieving. Again. Why have 3 out of my 4 babies been taken to heaven? With other miscarriages – I was so thankful that I never had to see a baby on a screen and see a heart beat and then say goodbye. Why did that happen this time? Why did I have to see that sweet one and see it’s heart beat only to find out that it’s not meant to be?
Ugh. So many emotions. I could type all night.
I leave you with this. Jared and I had agreed before we got pregnant this time that the next time would be the last. We couldn’t go through another miscarriage. Just couldn’t – and here we are. Going through it. I can’t do this again. I feel like – I can take a hint. It’s not working. I asked for a baby. God – please give me a baby. And I have one. He is gorgeous and amazing. When we were trying for 18 months – I was MISERABLE. I was angry and preoccupied. Babies were ALL I thought about. I buried myself in my work. I don’t want to be that person again. I have a sweet boy to love and enjoy and I don’t want to miss out on that because I’m so consumed with wanting another baby. Our doctor asked if I wanted to be referred to the fertility specialists in Danville – cus now they can say something is obviously wrong that I can’t carry a baby past 8 weeks. Even though I did. Once. So please pray for our happiness. That I would be happy in knowing that Fitzy is our only one. I want to be happy in that and enjoy this miracle we were blessed with. While we wait to see the other 3.
Dearest Fitzgerald –
You are such a happy baby – from the moment you wake up until you ask to go to sleep! You still don’t sleep well – but I’m kind of – sort of – maybe – holding onto hope that you might? You walk now. You talk. You say dada – mom – book – ball – hot – yuck – bock bock – moo – vroom – and tell us all sorts of stories that we can’t comprehend! You have 6 teeth and curly blonde hair. You LOVE to be in the water and on the farm! You give momma kisses and hug me ever so tight. Lately I’ve just been crying in the middle of the day when I look at you. You are a beautiful miracle and you bless (and challenge) my life every day! I love you!
We visited G and G Trout for a week in July – and you would have stayed with the chickens all day if we let you!
On your 15 month birthday (yes – your momma is kinda crazy) I took you out around the house for some pictures!
You were bock-bocking like a chicken here!
You’ve grown to love your little hats! Which I LOVE!
OH MY HEART!
Fitzy – you are such a joy and we love you SO much! You were born for such a time as THIS! I can’t wait to see the great things that God will do through you!
