70 names. 19 with babies. 15 pregnant. 39 wanting. pray.

If you are friends with me on FACEBOOK – you’ve seen something like this as my status. Over and over. It might be obnoxious. But I can’t stop. Seriously. CANNOT STOP.

70 names. 19 with babies. 15 pregnant. 39 wanting. pray. that was March 6th. 

67 names. 18 with babies. 8 pregnant. 41 wanting.pray. that was March 5th.

In one day – ONE DAY – pregnant almost doubled. DOUBLED.

Today – I’m not sad. I haven’t been sad about not having another baby for about a week now. That’s a HUGE step for me. I am finally letting the peace that God has given me about our decision take over – instead of fighting it. Fighting it because we should have 3 more. I’m feeling peace instead of being angry and hurt. Instead of wondering why me and why NOT me at the same time. It’s awesome. And I finally don’t feel guilty saying that.

God has placed SUCH a heavy burden on my heart for these 70 women that have asked for prayer (or have been put on my list by someone that loves them). There is not ONE SINGLE DAY that goes by that I don’t pray for them. I am in awe. I am overwhelmed at the emails and messages. The tears and the hopes. The amazing blessings that are pouring out on “my” wanting mommas. I am usually one of the FIRST people to know about their little babies. It gives me goosebumps. I cry and pray and thank Jesus for their gifts.

But I also don’t forget the heartaches. While that number has almost doubled – a few days before that – it was at 10. Then at 8. Two of those wanting mommas lost their miracles. It’s not fair. It hurts. And I italicize their name – cus I know that I wanted my lost ones recognized. And I pray again. For renewed strength and hope. And then again for more hope. Because I lost mine. So I pray again for even more hope.

Speaking of hope – I asked a woman I admire to share her journey with me. With you. With us. To encourage. To give hope. Here is her story.

I hope that my story will be a source of encouragement and support for those many couples who are praying for children with their prayers not yet answered.

I was 21 when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis.  It was very painful and debilitating.  After many unsuccessful treatments I ended up having an emergency hysterectomy when I was 23.  I had never been pregnant, so I knew I was never going to be able to give birth to my own children.  This was something that I needed to grieve and accept.  I needed to accept that I was never going to experience the joy of hearing, “You are pregnant”.  I was never going to be able to tell my husband that he was going to be a daddy.  I was never going to experience the “pregnancy glow” that I saw so many woman have. I was never going to experience a child growing inside of me, feeling a little flutter and then later a huge kick. I am sure some of you reading this can relate on many levels to what I am saying.

There was a part of me that felt that I was being punished by God for some reason.  Part of me felt that maybe God felt that I was not going to be a good mommy.  I was not sure.  All I knew was that I had a huge void in my life and nothing was going to fill it except a baby.

When I met my husband, I had the scary task of telling him that I was unable to have children.  I was terrified that he would reject me.  I felt like I was “damaged goods”.  When I finally worked up the courage to tell him, he looked me in the eyes and said, “So, we will adopt”.  The relief I felt was indescribable.

About a year after we were married we began our adoption process.  We had no idea what we were doing.  We began looking online for foreign adoptions, but knew there was no way we could afford them.  We also felt there we so many children in the US that needed good homes.  We prayed that God would lead us to the children He wanted us to parent.
We filled out applications and looked at different lawyers and agencies.  We were so disheartened that it felt that kids were being sold.  We got tired of the price tags on children’s heads.  When we did get interviews from one particular agency we felt like we were  being treated like deviants because we could not have biological children.  The questions we were asked were invasive and judgmental.  At least from our perspective of two adults who really wanted children.

After 2 years of searching, crying, praying and being told by people that we should, “Go into foster care and be happy with what we have if we are so hard up to be parents”.  Yes, we were told that.  We went through depression phases, anger phases, resignation phases, everything.

On April 7, 1998, we received a phone call from a woman from Catholic Charities.  She asked us if we are still looking to adopt a child.  We said, “YES! Of course!” She then, almost apologetically, said, ” Well, this baby is black”.  I replied, “So? I don’t care about color”.  She told us that many black couples had refused her because she was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and addicted to crack.

We wanted her.  We had 3 very long days to get ready and wait. We had a 4 hour drive ahead of us before we could meet our daughter and bring her home.  The night before we left, I checked the nursery over. We had bought everything. Everything except crib sheets!  How could we forget those?  We ran out to Wal*Mart and bought crib sheets, washed them and put them on the crib.  We couldn’t sleep. We left at 3 AM.

We got there at 7 in the morning and decided to walk on the Lake Michigan shore.  BIG MISTAKE.  I had an asthma attack and didn’t have my inhaler.  My husband wanted to take me to the ER, but I wouldn’t let him. Instead we drove to a store for some Primatine Mist. Thank the Good Lord, it worked!  There was NO WAY I was going to miss out on meeting my daughter.  Then we realized we did not have the car seat attached properly.  Laughing at ourselves, 2 highly educated people couldn’t figure this out! We worked on it for quite a while in a McDonalds parking lot.
Finally. 11 AM.  Time to meet our daughter.  We drove to the agency.  Excited.  Nervous.  Eager.  Happy.  Euphoric.  We met her.  All 3 pounds 15 ounces of her.  She was perfect.  Sweet.  Crying like crazy.  It was surreal.

I remember 3 days later, holding her in my hands wondering who this was.  In that exact moment I fell in love with her and finally knew what love really was.  Even though it wasn’t long before we were in and out of doctor’s offices, hospitals and specialists for the next 15 years.  We knew without a doubt that she was meant to be ours.

By July of that same year, we decided we wanted a sister for our little girl!  Since it took 2 years of “labor pains” for our first daughter, we wanted to get started right away with the process.  A friend of mine worked with an adoption agency and called us asking if we were interested in a 15 month old girl, born with similar circumstances as our first.  We said, “YES!”  We began the process of getting ready for her. She had been in foster care all of her life except 3 days and they wanted to place her ASAP.

We went through the interview process.  We met her.  We were in love with her!  She was delightful!  Precious!  They were interviewing another couple, but felt that we were the ones they wanted to her to be placed with so it was just a formality.  Nothing to worry about.  We would get a phone call by the end of next week.  Next week came and went.  We didn’t get a phone call.  I called the Social Worker to find out what was going on.  She said that she couldn’t bring herself to call us because they decided to place the girl with the other couple.  The husband played for the Colts and the wife was a professional.  They could raise her to be a “productive member of society”.  I sobbed.  I was angry.  I told her that wasn’t my definition of success.  My husband and I cried and grieved.  We felt in our heart of hearts that this wasn’t right.

Two weeks later I can home from school to find my husband in the nursery moving things around.  I asked him what he was doing.  He replied that we was getting ready to bring our daughter’s sister home.  I thought he had lost it.  He told me to check the answering machine.  The Social Worker had called.  The couple had given the baby back.  They found out that she was pregnant and they did not want to raise their child with a “crack baby” for fear that the adopted baby would hurt their real baby.  So, once again we began to process of bringing our second daughter home.  We began with many visits.  This felt right.  By November of that same year, we brought our second daughter home to live with us!

About a year later we began the adoption process again.  We wanted more children, a house full.  Over the next couple of years we had many “adoption miscarriages”.  That is the only way I can think of to describe them.  So painful!  Then we found a birth mother who was 6 months pregnant.  We updated out autobiography and met with the adoption agency.  The birth mother chose us to be the family she wanted to raise her son.  We named him.  We fell in love with him.  We told our daughters about their baby brother.  We were supposed to pick him up at the hospital the weekend he was born.  We had a diaper bag packed and ready to go.  The weekend came and went.  We called the Social Worker.  The birth mother changed her mind and took the baby home with her.  I fell apart.  I told my husband, “No more”.  I cannot go through the emotional ups and downs of this.  We grieved “our son” for a while.  To this day we bring him up from time to time.

We then moved back “home”.  After a few years we decided to once again pursue adoption.  I felt that I wasn’t finished having children.  So we went through the loops, took the necessary classes and looked on the SWAN website for sibling groups.  We wanted to focus on siblings since they were harder to place.  There was no success.  A lot more pain.

We realized that we were going to be a family of 4 and we were okay with that.  We felt totally blessed with our daughters.  Yet, there was still a nagging feeling inside of me.  I wanted 1 more baby.  Allan did not feel the same way.  So it was put on the back burner.

Two years ago, my husband and I brought up adoption again.  This time we were both ready to think about it.  But we decided that if we were going to do this then God had to lead us because I did not have it in me to face further rejection.

In June of 2011 we were at a car dealership literally signing papers for a used van when my sister called asking if we wanted to adopt a baby.  She told me the situation.  The birth mother was 14 and looking for someone to adopt her baby.  She was due in one month.  We said, “YES!”  Right away we got a lawyer and called the agency we used when we took the classes years before.  They both thought this was never going to happen since we had only spoken with the grandmother of the baby, not the mother.  I assured them it was happening.  We got ready for the baby.

On July 9, 2011, we welcomed our 3rd daughter into our family.  I was able to be in the delivery room and cut the umbilical cord!  Our family is complete.  For now.  We will never turn away a child if one is presented to us.

So, God answered my prayers.  I am a mom.  I love my daughters SO much!  They are my answers to prayer.  My gifts.  My miracles.  I learned a lot these past 15 years.  So many people tell me how blessed the girls are to have us as parents.  No.  I who am blessed to be their mom.  Through these 3 amazing girls, I have learned my strengths, weaknesses, abilities, fears and how to truly trust and lean on God.  They have made me a better person.

There was a lot of heartache for my husband and I.  It was not an easy process for us.  But I would do it over again in a heartbeat.

I leave you with this.  There was a time when our first daughter was really sick.  I was angry at God.  Why would He bring us a child only to take her from us?  As I was going up the stairs to check on her, it was as if I heard Him say, “You dedicated her to Me.  She is Mine.  I am allowing you to raise her on earth.”  It was at that moment I truly dedicated any and all of our children to God.  They are not mine.  They are His.  And their lives are in His hands.  Always.

Eve-Marie – thank you SO much for sharing your story with me. With us. If you are waiting on God for an answer. For a baby – I am praying for you. For hope.

“If my heart is overwhelmed
and I cannot hear Your voice
I’ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come
and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith I will believe”

Brian Johnson – Love Came Down

Google the lyrics – the rest of the song. Listen. And then listen again.

God –

Right now I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I cannot hear Your voice. While I cannot hear Your voice – I feel Your love. Which is strange for me. I sit here with tears streaming down my face and yet I know that You are holding me. It’s strange because while I’ve always KNOWN that to be true – I can count on one hand the times I have been overwhelmed with Your peace and love. And while right now I am sad – I feel Your peace. It’s strange to even type that.

You know my heart. You know my wants. You know my needs. You know every single thing about me. And then some. You know that I’ve been through my fair share of storms – that the road ahead has only been steep – and getting steeper. You know that when I get remotely comfortable and the road starts to plateau – that I get lazy in needing You. I start to rely on myself. And that isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I need to rely on You. Every moment. Not just in the valleys. Not just when I’m climbing and panting and out of breath. Which seems to be much more often than not. Because that’s when I think I need You – ONLY when I think I need you. And that sucks.

I can’t see anything in front of me. Which makes it hard to NOT live in the past. We can’t see what’s coming – so we mull on what’s been. It’s all we have to really see. But I have to hold on to what is true – ESPECIALLY because I cannot see it. I have to lift my hands. My life. In faith. And believe. Believe. Why is that so hard? Believe that You work all things out for my good.

All things. Everything. That’s every single second and moment. The beautiful and the tragic. This is a really hard concept for me to get through my head. Every tear. Every hurt. Every pain. Every word. Every hug. Every struggle. Every kiss. Every breath. You work it out for my good. It’s crazy is what it is. Crazy beautiful.

Tonight I sit here – just having put Fitzy to bed – in absolute wonderment. I’ve stopped crying. The 5th person in about 2 weeks just told me they were pregnant. Again. That word flips a switch for me.

I have a confession – although You being who You are – already know it.

I’m happier for people that are expecting when they’ve had trouble conceiving. Seriously. I’m awful. Horrible. Or maybe I should say that the pain is a little less of a stab in my heart. But I’m still awful.

Because it’s MY heart that everyone should be taking into consideration when they announce their pregnancy. Don’t people understand how hurtful it is to see their happiness all over my FACEBOOK feed. Don’t they know they should be more sensitive.

And yet – in each and every instance – all 5 of them – they seriously DID take my feelings into consideration. They let me know ahead of time that they were expecting. Gave me a heads up – cus they know how hard it is for me.

Constantly. Seriously. Overwhelmed.

We’ve been praying. Asking You to show us peace. And a specific answer. What should we do. Should we see a fertility specialist? After our 3rd miscarriage – my doctor highly recommended seeing a specialist before trying to get pregnant again. Should we permanently call it quits? Should we prevent for a year and then re-evaluate? Should we just be and hope for the best?

It’s all so overwhelming. I’ve asked a few people to pray for us. That we would hear Your voice clearly. That our fears and emotions wouldn’t shove their way in. That we hear what You want – and not what we want.

The thought of not having another baby makes me a little panicky. The thought of having another baby makes Jared a little panicky. The thought of having yet another miscarriage makes us both very panicky.

I prayed for a child. We prayed. I cried and begged. I became obsessed. And I refuse to be that person again – I didn’t enjoy her – and I’ll bet not many other people did either. You answered my prayer with a yes. I have a beautiful baby boy. I prayed for one. A baby. He is sleeping in his crib at this very moment. He is miraculous.

When we got pregnant with Fitzy – and we realized that he was indeed meant for our arms – not just our hearts – I knew that he might be our only. I never thought I would have trouble getting pregnant – but we did. We have trouble getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I savored every moment – knowing full well that it could very well be our only chance. I’ve already accepted this in my heart – well about 90% accepted it. There’s still a little part of me holding onto hope – as hard as that is for me.

So we’ve prayed. And asked people we love and trust to pray. Jared and I both felt strongly that we needed to relax for a year. At least. Last year was really REALLY hard on us. We lost two babies and almost our relationship. And almost our own sanity. It’s been hard. It’s been hard to hope. And the people we’ve asked to pray for us echoed the same – most of them.

I want to be happy. I want to enjoy this little family that You’ve given me. I want to focus on You. On my marriage. On this miracle that you’ve given us. The other day we were at lunch and someone said – how old will Fitzy be? I said – two. She said – well then – it’s about time you got started on another huh? I said – it’s not in our hands. When in reality I wanted to SCREAM – WE’VE TRIED. AND WE’VE LOST. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS FOR US? What I wouldn’t give to just be able to think about getting pregnant and having it happen (and stay) – but alas. That was not Your plan for us.

God – we pray that this year we will be comforted. This year we will feel peace. This year – You will make it clear if there is another baby in store for us. You will calm our hearts and our minds. You will replace our fears with faith. You will help us hold on to what is true – though we cannot see.

Amen.

I met Mary on FACEBOOK. She asked me to put her name on my ever-growing list of “wanting to be mommas” – they wanted another sweet one!

I was SO excited when she told me they were expecting! They live in NJ but she really wanted a session with me. Luckily – my sister lives not far from them!

LOOK AT HER!

Baby *H* – you are a sweet girl! I can’t wait to see you again soon!

Mary – I am SO glad we met! Thanks for opening up your home to us!

I took pictures of little *B* last year – he was one of the best newborns EVER!

I can’t believe that he is already ONE!

Isn’t he ADORABLE!

Some of my favorite shots! He was very serious about his session!

OH MY HEART!

I love those little moments!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE absolutely LOVE those shots!

I had to capture those curls!

Thank you guys SO much for asking me to capture these moments for you! I can’t (but I really CAN) wait to see you again next year! These babies are growing up WAY too fast!

Recently I had to purge my life of FACEBOOK for a month. There are SO many reasons – FACEBOOK being a giant time waster – ignoring my child – ignoring my house – ignoring Jared – caring too much what people thought (which is something I’ve never dealt with) – and jealousy.

Jealousy was a BIG one. I really really really want to be happy in the house we live in. It’s slowly coming along. But I was getting VERY jealous of our friends that have the houses they loved – finding houses the loved. Cus in my mind the grass is ALWAYS greener – and usually on FACEBOOK you only see the grass is greener parts of life. It was bringing me down – not at the fault of any of our friends – totally mine.

Oh – and babies. While I truly love and feel called to pray for my mommas in wanting and being connected to them through FACEBOOK – I was getting really jealous of friends that were having blessings (and angry with the ones that complained about it) – so I needed to remove myself.

I’ve since rejoined the world of FACEBOOK – but I use the “remove from news feed” button. A lot. I understand that it’s not the BEST way to get over my issues – but it’s a start. A start to focus on the blessings that are in my life. Right. Now.

2012 SUCKED – basically like every other year it seems. But it really sucked. Such is my life – is what I tell Jared. He hates it. But sadly – it’s the truth. People have asked me why I stand by my faith in God when everything just seems to be craptastic. Why do I keep giving when it seems that all I get is more crap.

If this is the fate I have following God and giving – I’d hate to see what lies ahead without.

This year my goal is to count my blessings – not my sorrows – cus there will always be sorrows – but I really want to focus on the blessings. If that means that I have to take a FACEBOOK break – so be it. If that means that I have to write our blessings down – one by one – and put them in a jar – it will happen.

Today is Thursday – October 11th – your 3rd birthday. I have a dear friend who has a daughter your age. It’s bittersweet. I love watching her and witnessing her growth – but it reminds me of the little boy you would be.

I truly believe that you had your daddy’s eyes – a sea green. You would probably be tall like your little brother. You would love Fitzy. You would be building legos together and reading books. You would love your grandparents and spend all day in the field with gpa Trout or dancing with gma Barden.

I have a picture of you in my head – but sometimes I just like to keep it safe in there instead of describe how you look to me.

You’ve got your hands full in heaven – with a little brother and sister – cousins too. I’ve wondered before if you have birthdays in heaven – but I’d like to think you do.

Today you’ll play with your little friends – maybe run through a sprinkler. You’ll open presents – mostly just cotton candy – since it’s easily made in the clouds. You’ll eat cake and ice cream. It will be a great day!

I’ve been really sad lately. I’ve been really angry. And jealous. Your daddy struggles with anxiety – and it’s been pretty bad lately. I’m trying to help him – but it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m wishing for the year to be over – we lost two more babies this year and it seems like it’s been years since it happened. I take pictures of people that have babies when we should have. It’s hard. I love capturing those moments for them but I can tell you that I cry on the way home. Sometimes even on the way there. It’s funny how time as a whole seems to go SO fast but as a day by day process – it creeps by at an extremely slow pace. We found a house we loved. It didn’t work out. I’ve been so very sad about it. I’ve been so angry with people that were able to move whenever they wanted. I’ve been so jealous. I’m trying to be excited about this house we are in. But when I look around at all that NEEDS to be done – I get sad again. We need to do SO much to this house to make it even remotely what we might want. I see a mountain – that I don’t want to climb. A mountain I never wanted to be standing on in the first place. Maybe it’s because I’m home all day and I just see every little thing that I don’t like. Sticking it’s tongue out at me – teasing me. But I’m having a very hard time accepting that we are here. To stay.

I’ve also had a really hard time trusting. It’s been a really hard year and your daddy and I know that we will get through this rough patch – but the hits keep coming – knocking me down again and again.

I feel like God has forgotten me. Seriously.

Now you have to understand something about me that might surprise you – or not. I have control issues – you know this. But I also have trust issues – because I have control issues. When you think you’re in control – the only person you trust is – yourself.

I don’t trust God – wholeheartedly. THAT might surprise you. I talk about it a lot – that God is in control and He will do what He does. But when I really truly think about it – I don’t completely trust Him. Or maybe it’s better put this way – I don’t trust that He will indeed make it all good.

I just needed to get it all out there – and since you are hanging out in heaven with JC all day – I thought maybe you could cheer me on as I try to embrace a new attitude of trust. I want to be happy in His will – not just wishing I was.

Little Enoch – we miss you terribly down here. I can’t believe that we’ve spent three years without you in our arms. I never knew your face but I see it everyday. I never heard your voice but I hear it now and then. You are loved. You are missed. But for some reason – heaven needed you more than we did.

I love this family! Alexander was only 5 days old at our session – but was great!

They are so in love with their little brother!

I LOVE THOSE SHOTS – totally unexpected – always the best!

OH MY HEART – look at those piggies!

LOOK AT THAT FACE! He is so cuddly and sweet!

Julie & Steve – I am so thankful you’ve asked me to capture your family! I can’t wait to see you in 6 months!

I’ve been looking forward to this newborn session all month!

Taylor and Tom are GORGEOUS – so I knew baby *S* would be!

He was NOT happy with me putting that hat on his head!

WINK!

SERIOUSLY – GORGEOUS!

Teeny little smile – he DOES like me!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE those shots! As soon I walked in – I KNEW we had to use that clock!

One last shot with his GREAT grandma – doesn’t she look amazing!

Taylor & Tom – he is BEAUTIFUL! I cannot wait to see him more and take his 6 month photos!

I met Mary on FACEBOOK last year. She had been praying for a second baby – and praying and praying – so I prayed with her.

She lives in NJ but wanted me to take photos of her family when she found out little *H* was on her way!

We met in Binghamton on a beautiful Sunday morning and found a great spot!

OH MY WORD! This little girl was so chatty and so sweet!

LOOK AT THOSE CHEEKS! She is so precious!

I LOVE THOSE SHOTS!

Mary – thank you SO much for coming all this way to meet me! I am looking forward to watching your little girls grow this year!

I can’t believe that I’ve been taking photos of Lucas since before he was even here!

I love my . babies . babies . babies . clients – but the year just FLIES by!

He reminds me SO much of Fitzy!

FOUR GENERATIONS!

SUCH A CUTIE!

It’s been an AWESOME year with your guys! I can’t wait to see you again in November!