Four years. Four years ago today we lost our first baby – little Enoch. The darkest times of my life followed. I lost hope. I was angry with God. I questioned Him. I prayed. I cried. I asked. I hurt. He listened and healed. The process was slow – on my end.

He gave. He showered me with love and grace. He held me. Hurting and crying. Lost and desperate. I felt alone and forgotten. And He gave. It’s crazy.

I’m so thankful for that time. I’m thankful that I can be a shoulder for other women going through loss and struggling to have a baby. I wish I didn’t have a list. I wish I didn’t have 74 people listed – people who wanted. People who waited. People who are still wanting. And waiting. But the reality is – I do. They are there. And so I name them. I bold them and italicize them and write BABY after their names when their little ones come. I pray every day for them. And while I wish that they didn’t have to be on that list – I pray.

I wouldn’t change what happened. You’d think I would. But I wouldn’t even be aware of those 74 names is we hadn’t lost Enoch. I wouldn’t be aware of hurting hearts – praying for a baby to hold. To love. I’m blessed to pray for them. I’m blessed to be involved in their lives. I’m blessed to hold babies. Babies whose names have been always known to God. Prayers that have been whispered and cried and shouted and screamed and begged. Prayers that are now warm little babies. Beautiful babies. And because of this – I am blessed.

We wouldn’t have Fitzgerald if we had been given Enoch. We might have had another baby at the same exact time – but it wouldn’t be exactly Fitzgerald. And he is amazing. I cannot imagine my life without him in it. He has touched us in so many ways. And while I wouldn’t have known any different – I like to think I might have. I might know that he was out there. Meant to be ours but not with us. And I would miss him. Terribly.

On February 13th – it had been a year since our little Joy Christina left us for heaven. I didn’t write a blog. I remembered her and thanked God for the tiny time she was here. I was hurting then – a month ago. Badly – and while writing is therapeutic for me – I couldn’t sit down and talk about my goodbyes to her. It hurt too much. I wanted another baby so badly and to remember that she was taken too early – was too much to bear. So I didn’t. And I felt bad. Like she would be upset that I didn’t acknowledge her. But that’s silly. I know that she knows I love her.

And in a month – God has given me peace.

A week from today was our due date with our 4th baby – Lewis Samuel. And I sit here typing this – there are no tears streaming down my face. Not that crying would have been bad. But I’ve cried so much. I’ve missed so much. I’ve mourned so much.

And it’s time.

It’s time for joy. And for peace. And for rejoicing. And for that – I am glad.

Enoch – you are the baby that started it all. You were our first. And while I never saw you – not even on an ultrasound screen – I know your face. I love you dear boy.

Joy – you were a surprise. A joyous surprise. One that we never met. You would be 6 months old today. I imagine you with curls. And green eyes. I love you dear girl.

Lewis – I was convinced that you were a baby meant for my arms. We saw you on an ultrasound. Heard your tiny heartbeat. And still you left. In a week from today I would have been holding you in my arms – realizing that I’ve known your face my whole life. If we hadn’t lost Joy – we wouldn’t have you. And for that – I am thankful. I love you dear boy.

We miss you so much down here.

But I love that you are there.

As promised – my sister Samantha. And your questions.

How did you make the decision to lose? When was the moment you knew you were ready?

i was standing in line at Taco Bell with my husband, thinking how nothing looked good and i was just making another bad food choice. i weighed 375 lbs. i felt uncomfortable, huge and mad at myself. it was weird how it just hit me. i wasn’t working at the time and i said to my husband “once i get a job and we get a little more money i really want to look into diet programs, i’m so tired of being fat.” and he said “well, if this is something you really want then we will make it a priority and do it now.”

i’m lucky to have a husband who has always loved me for me no matter how fat i was. he never made me feel bad about myself. he’s always supported me and done his best to make me happy and make things happen. he’s always made me feel beautiful.

so anyway, he researched and called companies without me knowing. i wasn’t doing it because i was partly not wanting to give up the food that i love and comforts me and partly because i was thinking i shouldn’t waste money on an expensive diet program. he told me a little while later “i ordered nutrisystem for you, it should be here soon.” i was surprised and a little scared. but mainly thankful. he knew how bad i wanted this and he got the ball rolling for sure.

a few days later (if i remember correctly) my brother called me and asked if i could come to Louisiana to help them out while their precious baby Judah was born. i of course said “OF COURSE!” i flew down and had to squeeze myself into the airplane seat and couldn’t buckle the seatbelt. it’s super embarrassing. it was warm down there and i didn’t bring shorts because my legs were huge and ugly and i hated them. it was all i could do to keep up with my little niece and to get up off the floor after playing with her. that sweet little girl gave me a lot of reinforcement that i really needed to lose weight. i want to be a mom someday and i don’t want to be a mom who doesn’t have enough energy to play with and keep up with her kids. i was there for a week and i thought, man this week kicked my butt. i can’t imagine doing this every day!

so then a big motivator became losing weight for my future babes and for my nieces and nephews so i can be the fun aunt who wears them out! when i would visit my mom and dad’s house and little fitzy would point that sausage finger out towards the chickens and cows (his way of asking to take him out to see them) i would think oh man! it’s a long walk out there and he’s a heavy little guy! but i can’t say no to that face. so i would carry him out there and my back would be KILLING me by the time we got to the chickens. i would think to myself, this is not ok! i’m not that old yet! i have a lot of weight dragging me down and hurting my back and knees. where does it end!?!?!? do i wanna gain another 100 lbs and be completely immoble!?!?!?

so it started in a Taco Bell line and just snowballed into too many reasons to not do it! i was squeezing into a size 28 and it was getting harder and harder to find clothes. (i’m wearing a size 16 now)

How did you stay motivated while losing?

in the beginning it was pure stubbornness. i paid for this program and i didn’t want to waste money. (i have to insert something here. i thought that nutrisystem (or any diet program) was expensive. it’s not. it’s actually less or the same that i spent on food in the grocery store, drive thrus, going out to eat, a candy bar at the store, you know. and i’m investing in my health and future and happiness. so i’ll sacrifice other places if need be, although i haven’t really had to.)

i needed a plan to teach me how to change my eating habits. i felt like i really couldn’t do it on my own. well, i might have been able to but it would have taken a lot longer. nutrisystem has taught me a lot and it’s worth every penny i spent.

the first week i was CRANKY and probably mean at times (my poor husband). i was saying “why does food have to be my problem!?!?!? why can’t i just be normal!?!?!? xavier would say to me “would you rather be addicted to drugs or alcohol or shopping or anything else? everyone has their own problems and issues, don’t feel bad this this is yours. you can do it.”
i hate when he’s right! he was a big part of keeping me motivated. then it changed into seeing the scale move down. then starting to really feel better. then my clothes starting to get bigger. and thinking this isn’t so bad! i can do this! and not to mention by back and knee pain went away pretty quickly!a random stranger stopped me on my jog one day and told me she was proud of me. she used to be overweight too. so we had a nice chat and she told me to keep going! most recently, i just got back from visiting my brother and flew again. i fit into the seat with room to spare and could buckle the seatbelt and even had to tighten it quite a bit! and i’m much more active and able to keep up with my niece and nephews.
another big motivator is that i take a picture every monday to track my progress. when i feel unmotivated or defeated i look at my beginning pictures. YIKES! that shocks me back into reality! i think it’s important to be excited about the little things on the way to your goal.

What has been your BIGGEST motivator on your weight loss journey?

being a healthy, happy, active momma someday. i want to be a fun mom like mine was/is.

Have you ever hit a plateau and stopped losing for a while with out reason? If so – what did you do to push past that?

i have been lucky enough to not hit a plateau yet. i think it’s because i still have so much weight to lose. some tips though are eat high protein power fuels like chicken breast, salmon, tuna and such and stay away from the dairy proteins for a little while. some people don’t lose weight very well with lots of dairy. i’m one of the ones that it doesn’t effect. also, switch lunch with dinner. try some new foods that you don’t normally eat. i’m not a calorie counter but if you hit a plateau then you should keep track and make sure you’re within range. also, eating too little is just as bad as eating too much. i don’t get how some people think skipping meals or snacks or dessert is going to help them. it’s not. if you don’t fuel your body properly then it will hold onto every little morsel it gets.

Have you always had to struggle with weight? If not – when did it start?

i have not always had to struggle with weight. i was skinny until i was about 17ish i think. i started getting chubby and just kept getting bigger and bigger. i never thought about it or obsessed about it when i was skinny. i remember getting stressed out and turning to food.a “friend” was at my house for some youth group event and we were going to take a walk and it was chilly so she wanted to borrow pants and a sweatshirt. i gave her the smallest ones i had and she said “WOW THESE ARE HUGE ON ME!!! I LOOK SO FAT!!!” i didn’t say anything and just walked away feeling HORRIBLE about myself. she wouldn’t stop saying how fat she looked and how huge my clothes were on her the whole time. i remember feeling like crap and thinking nonstop about food. seems backwards huh? for the most part when you criticize someone about their weight, or any addiction, it just feeds it (literally in my case). i remember eating A LOT that night when everyone left. i also had another “friend” who made me feel bad about myself on quite a few occasions and literally laughed at me right in front of me. i used food to comfort myself quite a bit. if i could go back in time i would stand up for myself and kick those “friends” to the curb.now, don’t think i blame anyone for me being fat. at any point i could have stood up for myself, but i didn’t. i’m just saying be very mindful of what you say and how you say it. i’m angry with myself for not losing this weight sooner.

How has your view on food changed?

my view on food has changed drastically. i see it as fuel now (for the most part). i still have some rough days here and there where i just want a Pizza Hut dinner box TO MYSELF. but those days are getting further and further away from each other. sometimes i have a nutrisystem pizza to satisfy my craving, and sometimes i just fight through it. i feel like i need to do that to prove to my self i will live without it and i don’t NEED it.

Has it been hard?

it started out very hard and has gotten significantly easier every day.

Do you miss the food you used to eat?

i do miss certain foods sometimes. but then i remind myself that it will not get me to my goal and it’s JUST FOOD! it doesn’t have to control you. honestly, i still eat really yummy stuff that is healthy too. i don’t miss how food made me feel and how out of control it made me.

How do you plan on keeping it off?

i will never go back to the weight i was or even close to it. i will keep it off by making smart choices for the rest of my life. it certainly doesn’t end when i get to my goal weight. nutrisystem has taught me a lot about food. i’m super thankful for it! i will use what i learned with nutrisystem forever.

How do you feel? 

i feel awesome! i feel better every day.

Has it changed you completely? 

it has changed me a lot. changed how i feel about food, myself and my life. it’s given me a lot of confidence.

I really want to encourage and help someone I love to lose weight. How can I help them?

no one likes the food police. it’s annoying and rude for the most part. telling someone you shouldn’t eat that or that’s disgusting or do you know how many calories is in that!?!?!? you can’t and shouldn’t force or guilt someone into losing weight. it won’t work. and if it does it won’t last. i give advice or my opinion when i’m asked. it’s great to want to help people but there’s a line between helping and unwelcome pushing. guilting, pushing, shaming and a know it all attitude never helps. with anything. not just losing weight. be supportive and encouraging.

Samm with Fitzy in December of 2011.

Fitzy’s birthday – April 2012. (almost a month after ordering Nutrisystem)

THEN & NOW (now being a few months ago)

THEN & NOW

THEN & NOW

What is your goal weight? What will you do to celebrate?

my goal as of now is 175 lbs because that’s the high end of my healthy BMI. i might keep going once i reach 175. i’m going to stop when i feel good and i’m happy with how i look. i plan on enjoying life happier, skinnier and healthier. i’m going shopping for new clothes. and taking a trip to wyoming (where my heart will always be). but the trip might be before i reach my goal though.

ONE LAST THING 

i don’t want it to sound that it’s all been easy. it hasn’t. i still struggle sometimes. but i made the choice that i’m going to do this and it’s worth it.

i know we all do, but try not to judge someone. everyone has their own issues and struggles. be nice. uplift each other. people rarely change their lives for the better by being judged and ridiculed.

and to the people reading this who want to change, whether it might be losing weight or any other issue, don’t listen to those who put you down. 99% of the time they are the ones who have issues with themselves and try to make themselves feel better by putting others down. don’t surround yourself with people like that. really think about if they are your real friends, or family in a lot of cases. you might have to move on without them. i’ve certainly done it and i think it’s the best thing in a lot of cases.

AND KNOW THAT YOU CAN DO IT. TIME IS GOING TO PASS ANYWAY. I CHOOSE TO LET THE TIME PASS WHILE LOSING POUNDS & INCHES. 

Samm – thank you SO MUCH for opening up and sharing your story with us. You are SUCH an inspiration to me and so many others! We’ve shared your spreadsheet with 140 people. ONE HUNDRED & FORTY. OH MY WORD! I am CRAZY RIDICULOUSLY INSANELY PROUD OF YOU!

Samm is happy to encourage and answer any questions you might have. I text her quite a bit asking if this food or that food would be okay. If I’m eating out – I can have 3 pieces of pizza right (oh crap – just one?) Did you know that shamrock shakes have 530 calories in them? HELP ME! She’s been awesome. She can be there for you too. If you want to contact her – you can friend her on FACEBOOK or email her at satrout(at)gmail.com!

Thirty is my goal. But I’ve lost twenty so far. Pounds that is.

It all started when I said something to my sister about wanting to fit in my size 12’s. At that time she had lost 125 lbs in 10 months – so she wasn’t going to give in to my whining – not that I expected her to. She said – how much would you have to lose? I said – prolly 30 lbs. She said – so lose it. I couldn’t whine to her about the impossibility. I couldn’t complain about how hard it would be. Not to her. She’s turned her life around and has lost the equivalent to a Justin Bieber.

So we sat down and figured out a goal. Thirty pounds – by my birthday – May 26th. 20 weeks. 30 lbs. Totally and completely reachable. By week 9 I was down 18 lbs. I started at 190 on January 1st. My highest while I was pregnant with Fitzy was 238. I think I was at 215 when I left the hospital and then got down to 210ish by January of 2012 and 190 by January of 2013. Before I got pregnant I was about 185 to 190 depending. I don’t really know because I am not one of those people that weigh myself daily – weekly – or even monthly.

I’ve been in size 10 or 12 since I can remember. Like I’ve said – it’s not about a number. It’s about how I feel. I feel good around 160. I might hit 160 and try for 5 more pounds. Cus I really love my size 10’s.

Basically what I’ve done is not eat like a piggy pig – like I was doing. I’ll give you a typical day before and after Samm and I set the goals for me.

BEFORE –

breakfast – an overflowing bowl of cereal with just as much milk OR 3 eggs and 2 pieces of toast with jelly and a big glass of milk.

snacking in the morning – goldfish here and there OR peanut butter chips and almonds or walnuts OR whatever else I would nibble on while getting Fitzy a snack.

lunch – the rest of leftovers from dinner OR a giant helping of pasta from the box OR a big sandwich and fruit.

snacking in the afternoon – the same as the morning.

dinner – big helpings of whatever we were having – cus it’s GOOD!

snacking at night – LOTS of popcorn OR ice cream OR cookies and milk.

AFTER –

breakfast – I split three eggs and an orange with Fitzy OR have a serving size of cereal with fruit.

snacking in the morning – yogurt OR a fruit OR a 100ish calorie something AND vegetables.

lunch – some of the left overs from dinner OR a sandwich with fruit OR some of the pasta Fitzy is sharing AND vegetables.

snacking in the afternoon – the same as the morning.

dinner – reasonable helpings of whatever we are having AND vegetables.

snacking at night – a calorie appropriate ice cream OR fruit OR a portioned amount of popcorn.

SERIOUSLY – mostly what I’ve done is just cut back on what I was eating. I’m aware of what I put in my mouth. I don’t deprive myself of things I would like – I just eat MUCH less of it! When we go out to eat – I order things on the low calorie end and eat only half of it. It makes a GREAT lunch the next day! I don’t eat tons of bread and appetizers before the meal. A piece of bread and usually no appetizer. And water and milk ONLY. I haven’t had soda. 

Samm had worked up a spreadsheet with the info she learned from Nutrisystem and shared it with me. I have it as a chart on my fridge – and I reference it often – but I don’t completely adhere to it. I just think about what I’m eating. At this point – I don’t have to put much thought into it anymore – it’s become natural.

When I reach my goal – I’ll bump up my calories enough to maintain. But I can’t go back to BEFORE. You have to understand that this is a LIFESTYLE change. You will have to change the way you think about food. The way you view food. Understand that it doesn’t have to control you. Samm has helped me to change those views. I would LOVE to talk about what those are – but she will cover that tomorrow!

I have to go back a little – you have to understand. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to have an eating disorder – whether it’s not eating enough or eating too much. My weight gain over time is due to laziness – physically and in my eating choices. While I was a little too fluffy – I’ve never had to struggle with my weight. I don’t LOVE food. Cooking and eating are a chore for me. I would LOVE if I could eat a pill for my meals and get the nutrients I need. That would be fabulous. I can’t eat chocolate and as a woman I think that helps keep sweets under control – but I could be wrong. Please – don’t think – well Danielle – aren’t you lucky then. No. I’m not. While I don’t struggle with food – I struggle with anxiety and OCD tendencies. We all have something. And I write this to encourage you. YOU CAN and WILL do it!

Over the years Samm or Jared would say something about their weight and I would snap back with a – then do something about it! (I’m insanely sympathetic if you remember. Riiiight.) I didn’t understand what was SO hard about losing some weight. Just do it. So it was time to listen to myself since it was SOOOOO easy.

VERY VERY pregnant with Fitzy – by Aszur Photography

RIGHT after having Fitzy – by Bridget Reed Photography

Fitzy’s dedication – a month after his birth!

August of 2011 – oh my – that tiny boy!

January of 2012 – at the BRIDAL EXPO!

March of 2012 – a year ago.

April of 2012 – Fitzy’s birthday!

August of 2012 – by Megan Hampton Photography

January of 2013 – at the BRIDAL EXPO!

February of 2013!

March of 2013!

March of 2013 – 172 lbs.

These pictures are taken a year apart!

So was it easy? At first – not really. I wasn’t hungry but I did notice how many times I ate because I was bored or lazy. The hardest part was calorie counting – let me change that – being AWARE of calories. I would call Samm and say – DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN THIS? IN THAT? OH MY WORD! I had honestly NEVER noticed. I realized just how BIG my portions were. I noticed results really quickly – which made it easier to stick with. But I noticed I just felt better. I’m really surprised at how easy this has become once I made my mind up to do it! I could write SO much more – but like I said – Samm will be sharing her story tomorrow! I cannot wait for you to read it! I seriously couldn’t have done what I’m doing without her support and encouragement. SHE IS AMAZING!

I AM blown away by the love you guys write to me about. I hope you tell each and every family that you submitted JUST HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM.

For those of you who did submit a family and that family didn’t win the FREE session – I am offering a special!

If you would like to gift that family a session you can get that session at a discounted rate of $125 (travel may have to be added on) if you send the deposit by 3.31.2013! I’m changing the rules a little this year and if you want to TELL the family that you submitted them and THEY want to get a session – the $125 applies! 

So let me know via email – dcbarden@gmail.com!

CONGRATS to the –

*S* family – Valerie & Tim and their kiddos!

*C* family – Dana & Tristen and their kiddos!

Some awesome people love you!

Thank you again SO MUCH! I cannot wait for BEAUTIFUL 2014!

“If my heart is overwhelmed
and I cannot hear Your voice
I’ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come
and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith I will believe”

Brian Johnson – Love Came Down

Google the lyrics – the rest of the song. Listen. And then listen again.

God –

Right now I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I cannot hear Your voice. While I cannot hear Your voice – I feel Your love. Which is strange for me. I sit here with tears streaming down my face and yet I know that You are holding me. It’s strange because while I’ve always KNOWN that to be true – I can count on one hand the times I have been overwhelmed with Your peace and love. And while right now I am sad – I feel Your peace. It’s strange to even type that.

You know my heart. You know my wants. You know my needs. You know every single thing about me. And then some. You know that I’ve been through my fair share of storms – that the road ahead has only been steep – and getting steeper. You know that when I get remotely comfortable and the road starts to plateau – that I get lazy in needing You. I start to rely on myself. And that isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I need to rely on You. Every moment. Not just in the valleys. Not just when I’m climbing and panting and out of breath. Which seems to be much more often than not. Because that’s when I think I need You – ONLY when I think I need you. And that sucks.

I can’t see anything in front of me. Which makes it hard to NOT live in the past. We can’t see what’s coming – so we mull on what’s been. It’s all we have to really see. But I have to hold on to what is true – ESPECIALLY because I cannot see it. I have to lift my hands. My life. In faith. And believe. Believe. Why is that so hard? Believe that You work all things out for my good.

All things. Everything. That’s every single second and moment. The beautiful and the tragic. This is a really hard concept for me to get through my head. Every tear. Every hurt. Every pain. Every word. Every hug. Every struggle. Every kiss. Every breath. You work it out for my good. It’s crazy is what it is. Crazy beautiful.

Tonight I sit here – just having put Fitzy to bed – in absolute wonderment. I’ve stopped crying. The 5th person in about 2 weeks just told me they were pregnant. Again. That word flips a switch for me.

I have a confession – although You being who You are – already know it.

I’m happier for people that are expecting when they’ve had trouble conceiving. Seriously. I’m awful. Horrible. Or maybe I should say that the pain is a little less of a stab in my heart. But I’m still awful.

Because it’s MY heart that everyone should be taking into consideration when they announce their pregnancy. Don’t people understand how hurtful it is to see their happiness all over my FACEBOOK feed. Don’t they know they should be more sensitive.

And yet – in each and every instance – all 5 of them – they seriously DID take my feelings into consideration. They let me know ahead of time that they were expecting. Gave me a heads up – cus they know how hard it is for me.

Constantly. Seriously. Overwhelmed.

We’ve been praying. Asking You to show us peace. And a specific answer. What should we do. Should we see a fertility specialist? After our 3rd miscarriage – my doctor highly recommended seeing a specialist before trying to get pregnant again. Should we permanently call it quits? Should we prevent for a year and then re-evaluate? Should we just be and hope for the best?

It’s all so overwhelming. I’ve asked a few people to pray for us. That we would hear Your voice clearly. That our fears and emotions wouldn’t shove their way in. That we hear what You want – and not what we want.

The thought of not having another baby makes me a little panicky. The thought of having another baby makes Jared a little panicky. The thought of having yet another miscarriage makes us both very panicky.

I prayed for a child. We prayed. I cried and begged. I became obsessed. And I refuse to be that person again – I didn’t enjoy her – and I’ll bet not many other people did either. You answered my prayer with a yes. I have a beautiful baby boy. I prayed for one. A baby. He is sleeping in his crib at this very moment. He is miraculous.

When we got pregnant with Fitzy – and we realized that he was indeed meant for our arms – not just our hearts – I knew that he might be our only. I never thought I would have trouble getting pregnant – but we did. We have trouble getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I savored every moment – knowing full well that it could very well be our only chance. I’ve already accepted this in my heart – well about 90% accepted it. There’s still a little part of me holding onto hope – as hard as that is for me.

So we’ve prayed. And asked people we love and trust to pray. Jared and I both felt strongly that we needed to relax for a year. At least. Last year was really REALLY hard on us. We lost two babies and almost our relationship. And almost our own sanity. It’s been hard. It’s been hard to hope. And the people we’ve asked to pray for us echoed the same – most of them.

I want to be happy. I want to enjoy this little family that You’ve given me. I want to focus on You. On my marriage. On this miracle that you’ve given us. The other day we were at lunch and someone said – how old will Fitzy be? I said – two. She said – well then – it’s about time you got started on another huh? I said – it’s not in our hands. When in reality I wanted to SCREAM – WE’VE TRIED. AND WE’VE LOST. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS FOR US? What I wouldn’t give to just be able to think about getting pregnant and having it happen (and stay) – but alas. That was not Your plan for us.

God – we pray that this year we will be comforted. This year we will feel peace. This year – You will make it clear if there is another baby in store for us. You will calm our hearts and our minds. You will replace our fears with faith. You will help us hold on to what is true – though we cannot see.

Amen.

The first night we were in the hospital with Fitzy – the nurse asked if we wanted him with us or in the nursery. I said – if I say nursery – am I a bad mom? She giggled and reassured me that I was not. I said – then nursery it is! They brought him in when he was hungry and then took him back when he was done. I look back on this and I think – I can’t believe I didn’t want to just hold him and eat him up. I can’t believe I let him just lie in that cold cart all by himself. Oh right – I was exhausted – and the nurses took great care of him.

When we brought him home – I had every intention of putting him in a bassinet next to our bed. Which I did – but he cried. As soon as I picked him up – he went to sleep. As soon as I laid him down – he woke up and cried. While I tend to be a non-sympathetic person in general – when it comes to babies – I melt. I couldn’t let my new baby cry. What if he thought I didn’t love him. What if he thought I left him. What if he got scared. Yes – I actually thought these things.

It didn’t really matter. Schrute did not adjust well to Fitzy. I asked my dog-loving friends – they said – wait it out – give him a chance. Every time Fitzy made a move or a noise – Schrute was there in the blink of an eye – and not always gentle. He was jealous and confused. He was anxious and irritable. I didn’t trust him – I was uneasy.

I was exhausted. I would nurse Fitzy in bed and fall back asleep – sitting up – holding him. By the grace of God – nothing horrible happened. Jared was uneasy with it and so was I. We took to sleeping in the recliners in the living room with Fitzy on my chest – I would wake up and nurse him – and fall back asleep with him cradled in my arms – thankfully again – God kept him safe. It wasn’t ideal – but until Schrute found a new home – it would have to do.

side note – finding a new home for our first baby was one of the HARDEST things we’ve ever had to do. EVER . lots of people made me feel bad about it. some people understood. but for the most part – we were horrible for just getting rid of our dog. while he is doing fantastic in his new home – he has also bit two people. because they pet him unexpectedly. isn’t that exactly what babies and toddlers do. that could have been Fitzy – and it could have been fatal. and then I would most definitely be institutionalized.

We found a new home for Schrute. Time to have Fitzy sleep on his own – in the bassinet in our room. Our house is a little patched together. Our first floor is the kitchen and living room. Our second-ish floor is the bathroom and bedroom and laundry room and little cubby rooms. Our third-ish floor has two bedrooms. Our attic is big enough for two BIG rooms and a bathroom and then there is a loft in the attic. Our bedroom is on the second-ish floor. Fitzy’s is on the third-ish floor. WHICH FREAKS ME OUT. (I’m a control freak – remember) and while I try my best to keep it at bay – having my child on a different floor than me is NOT okay. I don’t know if it would ever be – especially such a teeny baby.

We moved his crib downstairs – tried here and there – he wanted to sleep right next to momma – which I didn’t mind. Oddly enough. I NEVER intended to be a co-sleeping mom. Co-sleeping moms are kinda crazy – so they say. That was NOT going to be me. I’ve heard stories about babies that sleep in their parents bed till Kindergarten. Nope. Not me. Not us. Won’t happen. But here we were.

Fitzy didn’t even really sleep through the night until about 14 months. Seriously. Having Fitzy sleep right next to me and get up multiple times in the night – way easier than me getting up and completely waking up. Every night.

Then Jared was not okay with it. He didn’t really let me know at first – it just exploded into this issue (followed by several other issues) and there was NOT going to be a baby in our bed anymore. His crib was moved upstairs (ugh). And since our friends said that they let their babies cry it out – that is what we were going to do. I was NOT happy – to say the least. But I would try it. Fitzy cried for 3 hours. 3 HOURS STRAIGHT. I refused to go get him. We tried the 5 minutes – 15 minutes – 30 minutes – blah blah blah. Only made it worse. But this was something that he was bound and determined would work. Finally – he caved. Ya know – after 3 hours of non-stop screaming.

I was willing to work on it – little by little. But I am not a cry it out mom. Kudos to those of you that are. We moved his crib back downstairs and would put him in it for naps and then to start the night. Naps would last maybe 45 minutes in his crib. Compared to the 2 hours on the couch. So he usually naps on the couch (unless it’s the weekend – then it’s on Jared) while I blog or edit or organize.

He would start out the night in his crib and usually stand up and say MOMMA at about 1. I would pick him up and lay him in bed and fall back asleep. And he would sleep the rest of the night.

We need to renovate our house – like – majorly. New windows. in. every. blasted. room. New siding. on our giant house. New laundry and nook rooms. New electric. New bedrooms. New attic. New attic bathroom. New doorways. Basically you name it – it needs to be done. So the goal is to work on a back bedroom for us that shares a wall with a little bedroom for Fitzy – and by that time – to have a baby that can sleep on his own. All night. In his own bed.

I rock Fitzy to sleep. Have since the moment he came home. I love it. He is an almost 3 foot – 33 pound – almost 22 month old. Kind of hard to get comfortable in a rocking chair with me. He lets me rock him to sleep for nap time. But the past month – I’ve had to lay him down in bed next to me and bop him to sleep. Sing Silent Night – hold him close.

We took the front off his crib and moved it flush with our bed. When he is finally asleep – I move him to his bed. There has been ONE night he slept there in that bed from 9 to 7. ONE. So far he sleeps till about 3 and then crawls over to me and cuddles up and falls back asleep till about 8. (Once when he was little bitty and sleeping in his car seat – yes we tried that trick – he slept all night – those are the two times)

Progress. Slow and steady. I make sure that this issue isn’t an issue in our marriage anymore – that I make time for Jared. That just because we have friends that don’t live this way – doesn’t mean that it’s horrible that we do. And I’ve completely changed my mind about co-sleeping parents. I understand now that some parents choose this option and that it works for them. While I don’t want Fitzy sleeping with us forever – it’s what worked for us then. For now.

And while I am frustrated and exhausted and basically running on prayers and little Fitzy kisses – I still love singing Silent Night. Every. Night.

I wrote this blog a month ago – so to update – He’s been getting worse the past week – he does have a cold – so it might be that. But it takes anywhere from 30 minutes to 90 minutes to get him to sleep and then he gets up at 130 and then again at 330 and stirs till 430 and then again at 630 and stays up usually. I cry for the 30 to 90 minutes it takes to get him to sleep. I cry when he wakes up at 630 – ready to go. I’ve been going to sleep when he does – leaving almost no time with just Jared – and this will not be an issue again. I have an appointment today for his little feet (he walks on the insides of his little ankles – really bad – maybe he’s in pain. hopefully there is something we can do for him. i have an appointment next week to see if we need to go gluten free – maybe it’s his little tummy. i can’t wait till warmer weather where he can run around and play outside and fall asleep on the floor playing – he has NEVER done that)

A huge surprise happened last night! It took 30 minutes to get him to sleep – usually he just wants to play and talk. He fell asleep at 9 and at 5 am woke up – IN HIS CRIB. He crawled over to me and we got up at 8. SERIOUS ANSWER TO PRAYER. And while my old self would say – it’s just a fluke – my new self is thankful for this! SO THANK YOU!

When I was little – we had a box counting down the days to Christmas. Every day after school – we would run up to the house and open the little box. CANDY! That’s all we would do. Eat the candy and replace the box at the top of the tower – waiting for tomorrow!

At MOPS this year – we made little advent calendars – with boxes. I wanted to do more than just count down the days with candy – which Fitzy doesn’t really get much of anyway. My friend Ericka shared her #25daysofgiving list with me and I added some of our own!

I want to keep Christmas sweet and simple. I want it to be about giving – NOT getting. I want Fitzy to learn this at a very young age. I can’t wait till he is old enough to suggest his own acts of kindess! I can’t wait to hear what comes from his sweet little heart.

I’ll give you a rundown of what we did for #25daysofgiving –

1. CHRISTMAS CARDS TO SOLDIERS – one of my clients is a soldier. He just so happened to be gone this Christmas – so we sent him a little love – in a card!

2. FOOD TO LOCAL ANIMAL SHELTER – we dropped off a laundry basket and some treats for the animals!

3. DONATE ITEMS TO PREGNANCY CENTERS – this is the one I didn’t get to do. I contacted someone but still haven’t heard back from her. So I took the items I was going to donate to the GOODWILL instead.

4. ANGEL TREE – we picked a little girl from the angel tree at wal*mart and shopped for her!

5. DONATE CRAYONS AND COLORING BOOKS TO HOSPITAL – this was fun! Fitzy took the coloring books and crayons into the office and gave them to the secretaries!

6. DONATE ITEMS TO GOODWILL – I’ve been trying to purge our house and lives of all things we don’t need. It’s coming along. I took a few boxes down to the GOODWILL store in town!

7. DONATE ITEMS TO HOMELESS SHELTER – We have SO many blankets and pillows that have lost some of their oomph. I collected them and gave them to the homeless shelter in town.

8. HOT CHOCOLATE TO BELL RINGERS – this one fell on a not so chilly night – but the bell ringer was very appreciative!

9. CHRISTMAS CARDS TO STRANGERS WITH $ IN THEM – this was AWESOME! We put $10 in 5 different Christmas cards. One of my favorites. We gave the first card to a couple who tracked us down and told us they didn’t need it. I told them to pay it forward – it was in their hands now. The second was to an older man who let us cross the aisle in front of him. I think – we can’t remember – the third card was given to a younger girl with two little babies standing in line. The fourth to a woman and her little boy. The fifth to a college girl standing in line. She opened the card and screamed! Jared thought I put more than the $10 in! It was beautiful and humbling to do this for strangers!

10. HOT CHOCOLATE TO CROSSING GUARDS – unfortunately – crossing guards are out when Fitzy is napping – so this one is still on my TO DO list someday while I’m out running errands and can catch one!

11. COOKIES AND COFFEE TO POST OFFICE – I took some chocolate covered cherries to the USPS office to thank them for all they do every day. They were a little perplexed!

12. COOKIES AND COFFEE TO MAIL DELIVERY – we left a box of chocolate covered cherries and ribbon candy for our mail lady – we got a nice card the next day!

13. COOKIES TO GARBAGE MEN – we wrapped a box of chocolate covered cherries and ribbon candy in a bow with a Christmas card – hoping they would know it wasn’t garbage!

14. PAY FOR SOMEONES MEAL – we went to Papa V’s for dinner and three men held the door for us. I said to Jared – let’s pick them. I grabbed their waitress and gave her $40 telling her that we were going to pay for their meal and anything that was left was her tip. We ran into the owners of the restaurant (we go to church with them) and Fitzy ended up hanging out at their table quite a bit. We saw another friend there and chatted – keeping us at the restaurant while our guys were still at their table. The waitress came out and thanked them for coming and told them that their bill was taken care of. WHAT! But who? She leaned in and said – the table next to you. They turned around – shocked. We told them that it was #25daysofgiving for Christmas. They told us they were in town picking up one of their son’s from college – from North Carolina. It meant so much to them! When we left the restaurant – our bill had been taken care of too!

15. QUARTERS AT LAUNDROMAT – I left $10 in quarters in the machines at the laundromat in town – I got quite the array of looks!

16. QUARTERS AT GUMBALL MACHINES – we don’t have gumball machines at wal*mart anymore – so I left $10 in quarters at the vending machines with the little stuffed animals. When I came back out of wal*mart – Jared told me that an older man had taken all the quarters and played the machines. ALL OF THEM. I said – maybe THAT is what he needed today!

17. FOOD PANTRY – we donated some cupboard items to the food pantry in town!

18. COUPONS AT GAS PUMPS – we had some coupons for free things at SHEETZ – so we taped them to the gas pumps!

19. COOKIES FOR NEIGHBORS – Jared’s aunt and uncle are our down-the-road neighbors – so I left them a container of Christmas goodies!

20. GOODIES TO POLICE OFFICERS – I ended up dropping off a box of chocolate covered cherries at the State Police office.

21. VOLUNTEER AT NURSING HOME – my friend Missy brought her little guys along with me for this one! I had made some pictures for Fitzy to hand out – the residents really liked that! We walked around and let the little guys say hello and work their magic!

22. LEAVE A TIP THAT EQUALS THE BILL – our waitress that night was pretty cranky – but we left her a $30 tip anyway! Maybe she really needed it!

23. COOKIES TO LOCAL FIRE DEPARTMENT – thankfully someone was there when I knocked on the door!

24. LEAVE QUARTERS AT CAR WASH – we decided to skip this one – the car wash didn’t seem to give-to-the-needy – so we left $10 in quarters at the laundromat again!

25. $ AT GAS PUMPS – I took sticky notes and attached them to $5 bills we taped to the gas pumps at SHEETZ. On them I wrote – if you need it – take it – if you don’t – leave it – bless – be blessed.

We are going to do something very similar to this every December – and July – #25daysofChristmasinJuly – wanna join?

We celebrated Christmas morning on Sunday the 23rd with our little family! Fitzy came downstairs with a big smile on his little face when he noticed his gifts!

My brother and his family got him the clothes in the car! We got him the little car cart – which is already too small for him – NUTS! We were hoping to use it this summer – but he is a giant child! I took some of the books he got at baby showers and put them in the little black bag and made him that stuffed rooster! The little animals and toy cars were from wal*mart on the dollar shelves! Every time we go to wal*mart I would get one for him to play with at the store then put it aside for Christmas. He isn’t overly interested in the animals yet so I put them away again for his birthday or next Christmas – same with the books. He got two stuffed Scentsy animals – an elephant and a lion to go with his monkey from last year! The cow blocks are a little set with other farm animals on each side! He loves to match things – so I thought this would be perfect! A frosty ornament and a little oven with baking utensils completed his Christmas!

Christmas – in terms of gifts – was simple and sweet. We did the #25daysofChristmas #25daysofgiving the whole month – which worked out awesome! We had so much fun blessing people all month long! I can’t wait till he is older and can give his own ideas on how to give!

Oh – I forgot the little box of dinosaur magnets! I order diapers from diapers.com and I always need to spend $7 more for free shipping – so I stock up on little things he needs throughout the year or little gifts for his birthday or Christmas! There is a little farm set of magnets I plan on getting next time! He LOVES the dinosaurs! We go through them several times a day – matching them to the box and learning their names!

He LOVES that car!

I wanted a picture of him with his monkey to compare to last year – but he was being silly!

We went to church that night – all fancied up!

Christmas this year was beautiful and a little sad. We missed sharing it with Enoch – Joy – and little baby Lewis who would have been hanging out in my belly – but we were surrounded with so much love.

I can’t describe it – I’ve always had an awesome view of myself.

HA. Totally turned you off already right?

Hear me out.

When I was little I was goofy and awkward – weren’t we all? But I mean really goofy. I had – and still have – a fabulously awful head of hair. It’s thick and curly and unruly. It was usually styled into a lovely feathered bob or a crazy awesome mullet. Trout was a lovely last name to carry around as a middle school girl. Awesome. I was always a little thicker than most girls – but not fat by any means.

I’m not sure why I didn’t think I was fat – when I was definitely bigger than most of my friends. When most of my very thin friends complained about being fat – when they were not even close. I guess I always knew that this was my body and I was going to be in it for a while – so I needed to love it for what it was.

And my Aunt Lori. From a very young age – she spoke love and encouragement into me. She told me I was beautiful and that I was worth it. She taught me to never let someone else determine my self worth. That Jesus held my heart.

I was the girl with all the guy friends – the tall goofy girl. With all the cute skinny friends. The girl that the guys called to say – hey – what does Sara think about me? Does Jamie think I’m cute? You are SUCH a good friend Danielle. Really? When was it going to be MY turn?

Aunt Lori would say to me – you can have a boyfriend any day of the week Danielle – you are worth it – BUT do you want to lower your standards? And while that advice crept out of my head at times – I usually lived my life by those words. Did I want to give up what I knew I was worth just to have a boyfriend? No way.

And while I was never the girl that got the guy that was way out of my league (in terms of coolness) – I was the girl that held my head high. I was the girl that was taller than all the other girls – and most guys – and managed to be awesome at it. I was a nerd. I may have been lame – but I was awesome at being lame. At least – I was in my own head.

One of my favorite teachers pulled me aside my senior year and told me what one of our classmates had said about me. He said – “you know – Danielle isn’t like the other girls. She doesn’t take crap from people and doesn’t let it get to her when people put her down. She stands up for what she believes in – and while I don’t share those beliefs – I respect her for her that. Cus I don’t know if I could do it.” That meant so much to me. So I WAS making a difference in taking a stand. I was being myself and standing out. Awesome. Now – that guy is one of the guys that gave me the most crap in high school – but I never let him get in my head.

Thankfully – Jesus was hanging out in there. I truly believe that my Aunt Lori was divinely chosen to be my Aunt. She was chosen to speak life into me and encourage me to be myself.

My sister and I used to call each other fatty – for one reason. We were not fat. And we were surrounded by girls that were not fat – thinking they were fat. Calling themselves fat. Obsessing about being skinny. It was totally foreign to me. You are BEAUTIFUL – why do you think you’re not?

I’m reading a book called – God Loves Ugly by Christa Black – it’s given me some insight as to why those girls didn’t think they were beautiful. It’s what prompted this post. I don’t know what it’s like to be an insecure girl. Until last year – I got a bad dose of it (which I am now cured of) and I totally didn’t like being in my own head. I couldn’t imagine living my WHOLE life that way.

I write this to tell you – YOU are beautiful. God made you with a specific purpose and plan in mind.

Having a positive self image does wonders. While I don’t think that I am exceptionally beautiful – I carry myself like I am. While I KNOW that I don’t have a gorgeous head of hair (like my ridiculous sister) – I do the best with what I have. While I am NOT the skinniest I could be at the moment – I dress to enhance what I have. My sister has lost over ONE HUNDRED pounds – and has inspired me. While I don’t need to lose a ton of weight – 25 to 30 pounds would be awesome. Then I would fit in my size 12’s – and that would be awesome. Not because they are 12’s. It has nothing to do with the number. Not because I would love to be 160 lbs. It has nothing to do with the number. I feel GREAT at 160 and I LOVE my size 12’s. What do I need to do – not eat like I’m never eating again. Stop drinking soda. Eat the right portions. Have an apple for a snack. Drink lots of water. Have willpower – when I get low – I call my sister.

I don’t write this to toot my own horn – to be conceited. It’s not my intent at all. I write to encourage you. Encourage you to LOVE YOU. I’m not saying I’m perfect. I have faults. LOTS. And I am always working on them – kind of – at least trying to – asking God to show me what I need to work on. Which again – is A LOT of stuff. I write this to tell you that how YOU feel about yourself makes all the difference in the world.

Be sure of yourself. Know that God delights in His creation. YOU ARE HIS CREATION. He delights in you. He has placed you in the lives of those around you for a reason – to be a light. SHINE THAT LIGHT.

There are LOTS of things I don’t like about myself. My crazy hair. The fact that I wear glasses. My giant feet. How I tower over everyone. My flat butt. My horrid skin. Now – you’re saying – those things aren’t true Danielle. But they are what I see is wrong with me – if I let myself get that far. But the truth is – I don’t. I don’t dwell on the things that I can’t change. I cannot change anything that I just mentioned. Not one. Why dwell on it. Instead of being sad about the things that I don’t like about myself – enhance the things I do – and then the things I don’t – don’t stick out so much.

Are you an Aunt Lori in someones life? Strive to be. My aunt wasn’t blessed with daughters – she has two awesome sons and a fantastic daughter-in-law (and two sweet grandsons) – but she poured into me like I was her own – which I was – in family and in Christ. Did you have an Aunt Lori in your life – thank her (or him) – for investing time and love into you. Pay it forward. Encourage and build up.

It makes all the difference in the world – I know – and people will notice your confidence and presence. Not your giant feet. Unless they are shoe shopping with you.

This family holds a special place in my heart! I’ve known them since little *E * was in his momma’s belly! I’ve photographed them at least once every 6 months since then (usually every 3 months) and it’s gonna start all over again with a new baby on the way!

Dustin is serving our country and won’t be home for Christmas – so they celebrated over Thanksgiving.

I am so BLESSED to be capturing this year for you while Dustin is serving! It’s bittersweet for sure – but I’m glad you’ll be in front of my lens so often!