We decided to wait until Memorial Day weekend to have Fitzy’s party – cus ya know – it would be nice out.

Right.

It was freezing. Like – see your breath freezing!

Thankfully my family is awesome and we made it work – wrapped in blankets and sweatshirts!

Samm and I spent most of the day Friday making cupcakes and cake pops. It was really pretty easy – and tons of fun!

The roosters are my favorite!

My dear friend Aszur – from Aszur Photography – took all the party photos for us!

This was the second to last present for Fitzy to open. The last present was ours. A BIG BROTHER shirt – to announce our surprise. I’ve been planning this moment in my head for a month! In my mind it was sunny and we were outside on the lawn – not bundled up in the pavilion.

I made a mental check – my mom was right there – RIGHT THERE – holding Fitzy. I saw Brenda and Brian. I went to get my dad and my Aunt Lori – who was on her way to the warm house. She trudged back to the pavilion and dad came in. It was time.

I turned my back to get the little shirt.

And in that moment – my mom left. She leaned to my sister and said – this is his last present. I HAVE to go to the bathroom. Can you watch him? I was so focused on that little shirt and the excitement of what was about to come – I didn’t even see her leave!

I handed the shirt to Fitzy and said – ask Aunt Sammy to read it for you. Samm looked at the shirt and then at me – then at the shirt and then at me. She said – ARE YOU SERIOUS? I said – we are 13 weeks. And the screaming started! Later – my mom tells me she heard the screaming and just thought Fitzy must have gotten an awesome present! WHAT!

Brenda came running over to hug me and ask the important questions. Is everything okay? You’ve had an ultrasound? Yes. And we heard a heartbeat. Samm hit me. I think we shocked EVERYONE! You can watch their reactions here!

I read the text that we got from Dave Fitzgerald – and I’ve already included in my blog twice – but here it is again.

You will get pregnant again. And even though you will default in your minds that you will probably miscarry – oh no. You will have a healthy child – possibly twins! It will be huge and massive BUT you must keep it to yourselves and announce at the END of the first trimester. This is a promise from God. God is NOT done with you. He’s just starting. You need to tuck this word on your hearts and cover it. It will be a massive testimony and will restore relationships, friendships, and family ties in ways you never thought possible. It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy. BUT you MUST NOT announce it until the end of the 1st trimester. Not even to close friends or family. YOU MUST WAIT!

I honestly feel stronger about this than the word I gave you for Fitzy! You can’t even tell me when you first find out – I will already know. You can’t tell ANYONE! BELIEVE IT! RECEIVE IT! ACT! God is good and will be massively glorified through it. Save these messages for confirmation and documentation. Not for me – but so that we can honor Christ Jesus & God’s ridiculous faithfulness. He is good. He is really REALLY good!

THEN – my mom came back out. Thankfully Aszur captured her reaction!

Samm is saying – DO YOU GET IT! Mom was pretty shocked. Very shocked actually. I’m pretty sure she still doesn’t believe me.

It was perfect. Really. Not at all how it happened in my head – but perfect nonetheless.

I am SO happy that secret is out! I am so happy that the people we love were there to share it with us!

Thank you to EVERYONE that came to Fitzy’s party! Thank you for the gifts and the love and the prayers and the hugs.

I am so blessed to be a part of this CRAZY family!

We were with my parents for Fitzy’s birthday. He requested eggs for breakfast.

So he got eggs. Of course. I say that jokingly – he really isn’t a spoiled child. Except with love. Just a good one. He is helpful and excited and appreciative.

He loves to help feed the baby cows – so we fed the baby cows.

And sat on Pa’s shoulders.

Oh that face – that chubby little face – it’s changing. Too quickly. I could have edited out the spots on his face. The red and the dirt. But I wanted to remember that moment just as it was. Perfect.

He was NOT in a picture mood that day – but I took some anyway.

Truly my FAVORITE pictures EVER. Oh – that smile and that laugh. And he just adores his Gramma. Both of them!

This was his – I’m serious momma – NO MORE PICTURES – face.

We went to the airport to pick up Jared’s parents and all ate brunch with my parents at Friendly’s for his birthday. He wasn’t too excited. The fountain at the mall was much more interesting. Fitzy was MORE than excited to spend the afternoon with Gramma Barden – since they had been gone for two weeks! He went to sleep at 5.30 that night – with a little stirring here and there – but slept till 5.30 the next morning! Living on the farm TIRES HIM OUT – but he loves it!

On Tuesday – the 30th – Gramma Barden made a little cake for our new two year old!

And I discovered that he can drink out of a cup. WHAT! I had no idea!

He LOVED blowing out the candles – he talked about it for days!

Cards and some presents – a puzzle and a train – perfect for Fitzy!

He’s in LOVE with his numbers puzzle! He carries around his birthday cards proudly!

Fitzy’s birthday party will be at my parents at the end of May – so until then – this was a wonderful way to celebrate our favorite little boy!

March 21st of 2013 THURSDAY

On August 24th of 2010 – I posted this – where I said – 

On March 28th of this year (2010) – Jared’s mom was given a word in church. That our children would rise up like mighty oaks. Our children. (Jared’s mom also told me that she saw me pregnant at the beach on our yearly vacation)

On April 11th of this year (2010) – Dave (Fitzgerald) called us again with a word for us. We would have children. Lots of them – running around in our yard – jumping on trampolines – and they would be our biological children – they would all look like Jared. (six months before I quit my job at Phoenix – Dave called and said – God wants me to tell you that your photography business is going to be crazy successful – more than you ever dreamed – you will be able to do it full-time)

On August 15th of this year (2010) – we met with our Pastor – because I am angry, tired, sad, and weary. He told us that God has children for us – our biological children. But first we must open our hearts to the notion of taking in a child that is not ours – biologically.

And on September 8th of 2012 – Dave Fitzgerald texted THIS to us –

You will get pregnant again. And even though you will default in your minds that you will probably miscarry – oh no. You will have a healthy child – possibly twins! It will be huge and massive BUT you must keep it to yourselves and announce at the END of the first trimester. This is a promise from God. God is NOT done with you. He’s just starting. You need to tuck this word on your hearts and cover it. It will be a massive testimony and will restore relationships, friendships, and family ties in ways you never thought possible. It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy. BUT you MUST NOT announce it until the end of the 1st trimester. Not even to close friends or family. YOU MUST WAIT!

I honestly feel stronger about this than the word I gave you for Fitzy! You can’t even tell me when you first find out – I will already know. You can’t tell ANYONE! BELIEVE IT! RECEIVE IT! ACT! God is good and will be massively glorified through it. Save these messages for confirmation and documentation. Not for me – but so that we can honor Christ Jesus & God’s ridiculous faithfulness. He is good. He is really REALLY good!

I saved it on my phone. And then wrote it all down today. There is a part I left out – about a name – because we may not tell this time. Although – if you know me – that will be REALLY REALLY hard!

I was supposed to start my period on Tuesday – it’s Thursday. And I’m one of those girls that have ALWAYS been 28 days.

I wrote this – on March 8th of 2013 – where I said –

Today – I’m not sad. I haven’t been sad about not having another baby for about a week now. That’s a HUGE step for me. I am finally letting the peace that God has given me about our decision take over – instead of fighting it. Fighting it because we should have 3 more. I’m feeling peace instead of being angry and hurt. Instead of wondering why me and why NOT me at the same time. It’s awesome. And I finally don’t feel guilty saying that.

Our decision was to go back on birth control and wait a year.

I’ve been anxiously waiting for my period to start so I can start those little blue pills.

It’s Thursday and it’s not here yet.

And now I know why.

I took a test today.

It was positive. Within seconds. Pink. Bold. Crossing lines.

Positive.

We lost Enoch on March 17th of 2009 and little Lewis would have been born on March 24th of 2013. Today is right smack in the middle.

But. We have to keep it a secret. Well – you read why. 

Honestly – I’m speechless. I told Jared over and over that this would happen. We have to figure something out until my appointment because you KNOW we are gonna get pregnant. Because the last time I had peace like this – we found out we were pregnant with Fitzy. It doesn’t matter that we haven’t gotten pregnant since June – it will happen. I know it. I knew it.

How on earth am I not supposed to tell my sister. She’s going to figure it out. She just is. And my parents? And Jared’s parents? They always go to the Bahamas in November – I hope they haven’t booked the trip yet! But I can’t. I have to trust. The day before Dave sent us that text – I said – out of the blue – to Jared – if we get pregnant again we won’t tell a soul. Not one. Until our first trimester. Which is not me. At all.

It was confirmation.

So – today we found out that for the 5th time – we are pregnant. And we trust. Because either way – God is in control and the answer will be beautiful.

My first appointment is April 1st of 2013.

We won’t be over our first trimester until the end of May – a long two months from now!

Our due date – November 27th of 2013 – my mom’s birthday.

Whoa.

March 22nd 0f 2013 FRIDAY 

I can’t stop thinking about the women reading this thinking – GREAT. Another pregnant person who isn’t me. And while I can tell you over and over again that I’ve been there (and you know that I’ve been there several times) it doesn’t matter. It won’t matter.

Yesterday the list stood at this – 76 names. 20 with babies. 14 pregnant. 45 wanting. pray.

And while I wrote it – tears streamed down my face. Tears of happiness and of hurt. Tears of joy and of heartache. Tears of love and of pain.

I want all 45 wanting to inbox me and tell me that they are pregnant. It’s a miracle. But it isn’t happening. And here I am holding this joy in one hand and such sorrow in another for all my wanting mommas. It’s not fair. It will never be fair.

If you have to hide me on FACEBOOK – do it. If you have to avoid my blog for a while – please do. If you can’t bear to look at me – I understand. You don’t have to tell me that you are happy for me and sad for you. You might even be at the place where you are not happy for me.

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.

And that still doesn’t make it any easier for you. Not one ounce.

Please know this – I am praying for you. I am lifting your name to God every day. I am trusting that His will is perfect and amazing. I am trusting that you will feel His strength and His love right now. I encourage you to cry out to Him. He knows Your heart – He can take it. His hands are open and waiting.

April 3rd of 2013 TUESDAY

I’m hungrier. Last week I had a migraine – which if history proves anything – means that there is a viable baby. Our last pregnancy came with migraines too – so I’m still scared. Trusting. But nervous. Is that possible? To be trusting and nervous. To be sure and scared?

Yesterday was our first appointment. The one where you pee in a cup and they tell you what you already knew. The nurse came in and said – well – I hope this was a wanted pregnancy. I said – they all are. I’m scared. We were going to take a break for a year and THEN see a specialist – but we never even got to the birth control part. We aren’t telling anyone so I’ve kind of forgotten about it. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I don’t do caffeine. I don’t really have to change anything.

I did wake up yesterday and today feeling just a little off – struggling to swallow my vitamins without gagging.

So – we wait to hear from our OB and set up our first appointment. Part of me wants an ultrasound RIGHT NOW while the other part wants to wait like we did with Fitzy. I am almost six weeks at this point – so we have another seven weeks to go!

I’ve known for 2 weeks and haven’t told ANYONE (except the doctor) and I’m shocked.

April 5th of 2013 THURSDAY 

Last night the stomach bug hit. Or a flu bug. Or both. It was intense. I lost two pounds overnight. I didn’t sleep until this morning when Jared stayed home with Fitzy. I took a bath early this morning and kept praying that those pangs in my stomach were flu pangs – not miscarriage pangs. I’m trying hard to not let fear win. It takes a lot of focus and a lot of prayer.

I’ve realized that in not sharing this pregnancy news with ANYONE but Jared – we are both depending on God. A lot. The way it should be. And it’s crazy hard!

April 30th of 2013 TUESDAY

Yesterday was our ultrasound. I laid down on the table and closed my eyes. I prayed. She started and didn’t say anything – and then a – there’s your baby. And the tears came. According to her measurements we are between 10 and 11 weeks – further along than I thought – and further along than any other pregnancy – except with Fitzy. We saw a little body and a head. Arms and a fast heartbeat. THANK YOU JESUS. Baby was moving around and looked good. The last two times – I got a phone call from the doctor that afternoon. No phone call. And I’ve been getting sick in the mornings. And afternoons. And evenings. Thank You Jesus.

Fitzy is very excited about his birthday present! He keeps pointing at my belly and saying – dear Jesus – heal – momma – baby – girl. This weekend he pointed to my belly and said baby. My mom looked at me with raised eyebrows. I said – yes – that’s where you were when you were a baby. Whew!

Someone did say to me recently – Danielle – you look GREAT! I mean like radiant – glowing! Are you SURE you’re not pregnant? I said – I’m sure. When she left I looked at Jared and said – REALLY? I’m not supposed to say ANYTHING!?

A friend asked me if I stopped updating my weight loss on my blog because of the issues people were having. I said nope. I planned to update at 20 pounds and then again at 12 weeks (which I didn’t think would be two separate posts) and then lastly at 30 pounds. Which I haven’t reached yet. But I couldn’t tell her why. I said – because I feel good right here. I look good right here. I’m good. Which is also true. But I won’t be hitting that 30 pounds – at least – not this time around.

Thank You God for this unexpected and amazing miracle. Again.

May 26th of 2013 SUNDAY

Yesterday we had Fitzy’s birthday party. We waited until the very end to give him our gift. I made a mental checklist in my head – mom is here – Brenda is here – Samm is here – Brian is here – I’ll go get dad. Okay – everyone is here. Jared started the video. I told Fitzy this was his last present but Sammy had to help him read it. Samm unfolded the shirt that said BIG BROTHER and it took her a minute. She looked up at me and said – ARE YOU SERIOUS? I said – yes – we are 13 weeks. Brenda (my mother-in-law) screamed and cried and rushed over to hug me. She asked if we had an ultrasound. I said – Yes. We’ve heard a heartbeat too. Samm hit me. Then the video ends. And I scan the room and realize my mom isn’t there. I seriously thought maybe she was upset and had to leave. Nope. When my back was turned – she got up and left – to go to the bathroom – and I was so focused on that little shirt – I didn’t notice. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! UGH! So we waited for her to come back and then gave her the shirt. And just like my mom – she said – Oh. Just like that. Oh. Then she added a little – I’m shocked – you were on birth control! I said – I never even got to start! She said – Oh. I read the text that Dave sent us – and tears flowed again.

Friday night – I noticed a tiny bit of spotting. No. Not now. Not this time. This cannot be happening. I texted a few people that I had already told. Asked them to pray. Is this okay. Is everything okay? This CANNOT be happening again. Not this time. Not right now. No. Just no. It happened with Fitzy – at 20 weeks. This makes me scared. I took my phone out and read the text from Dave – again. For the 400th time. Just like I did in the beginning every time I was feeling scared.

We heard a heartbeat on Tuesday – 165. Everything was fine. 13 weeks. It HAS to be fine. Right? I mean – we are telling everyone tomorrow. It has to be okay. It’s the end of the first trimester. We will get pregnant again. And even though we will default in our minds that we will probably miscarry – oh no.

The spotting stopped. My sister-in-law assured me that a little is normal – it happened with her. Prayers were sent and sent and sent. Prayers are being sent. Still being sent. I still felt sick this morning. I’ll most likely call on Tuesday to schedule something – just to make sure. Cus I’m like that. So – please continue to pray with us. Pray for Jared and I – that we can rest in God’s love and peace. Pray for this wee one – that this baby is doing well and wonderful.

 And because it’s awesome – I leave you again with the words God gave us through Dave –

You will get pregnant again. And even though you will default in your minds that you will probably miscarry – oh no. You will have a healthy child – possibly twins! It will be huge and massive BUT you must keep it to yourselves and announce at the END of the first trimester. This is a promise from God. God is NOT done with you. He’s just starting. You need to tuck this word on your hearts and cover it. It will be a massive testimony and will restore relationships, friendships, and family ties in ways you never thought possible. It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy. BUT you MUST NOT announce it until the end of the 1st trimester. Not even to close friends or family. YOU MUST WAIT!

I honestly feel stronger about this than the word I gave you for Fitzy! You can’t even tell me when you first find out – I will already know. You can’t tell ANYONE! BELIEVE IT! RECEIVE IT! ACT! God is good and will be massively glorified through it. Save these messages for confirmation and documentation. Not for me – but so that we can honor Christ Jesus & God’s ridiculous faithfulness. He is good. He is really REALLY good!

I took Fitzy out in our yard for some official TWO YEAR pictures – where on earth are the years going?

Some fun before we go out!

He is one of the happiest children I’ve ever known!

I just ordered that one for his canvas! I cannot WAIT to see it!

Last year and this. Oh chubby baby – you’ve grown into such a little boy!

AH! Seriously. Cannot even deal with it.

Fitzy – we love you so much! We thank God EVERY SINGLE DAY for blessing our lives with you!

Fitzy LOVES LOVES LOVES his aunt Sammy. She surprised us in April and he was SO excited to see her!

I LOVE those shots! Makes my heart so happy! For so many reasons!

Last year with Rowyn – this year with Fitzy! CRAZY PROUD OF YOU SAMM!

Last year and this year – craziness.

Samm – I get choked up when I talk about you – which I do – a lot. To people I know. To random strangers. Bank tellers. Waitresses. I’m slightly obnoxious about it. But I can’t help it. You took control and changed your life. I am so proud of you!

140 pounds. Gone. As of mid-April. And still going.

Not gonna lie – I was mega sad to give her those tights!

BUT – they look awesome – so I’m over it!

WHOA!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE those shots! Seriously – make me cry. She’s always been the pretty one!

And just to compare – here is early May of last year –

CRAZY – right?

Still think that you can’t do it? That you’ve just gained too much and it’ll be too hard? CONTACT SAMANTHA TODAY. She is a GREAT encourager! Seriously. Do it. Because you can. And you will.

Dearest Fitzgerald –

Two years ago today – I held you for the first time. I looked into your sweet little eyes and you attached yourself even deeper to my heart. I marveled at your little fingers and toes. I thanked God for sending you into our lives. I kissed you and whispered in your ear – I love you.

Two years ago today – God gave us a miracle. He sent you.

Every morning you wake up and say HI! I ask how you are – you say GOOD! We do this about 10 times – each time with more enthusiasm! You help me make breakfast and we read the Bible. We pray for all the babies in our lives and for your little feet. You tell me your colors and some letters. You love to read books and play with legos. You make eggs in your little kitchen and LOVE to make pizza with your play-doh kit!

Pizza is your favorite food – you ask for it every day! You call cookies caterpillars. You ask if your food is hot or brrrr. You point out mommas and babies all the time. You help with the laundry and LOVE to do the dishes.

You love to be outside. You help feed the cows at Gramma & Pa’s house. You say bless you when people sneeze. You tell everyone that dadda cut your hair! You’ve been learning and growing so much!

You are 3 feet tall and 35 pounds! You wear 3T everything – and some 4T. Your shoes are a size 8!

You are the sweetest and cuddliest baby I know.

We thank God for you every single day! I pray that you will know kindness every single day. I pray that you will love Jesus with all your heart. I pray that you will be passionate about giving. I pray that you will know that God loves you. I pray that you will know that we love you. I tell you every day. About a million times.

Happy birthday sweetest boy of my life!

How much longer can I put Fitzy under the BABES category? Forever – right?

I feel like overnight he’s become a toddler. He is stubborn and independent. He says – I do it. He’s become a little boy.

I had my camera out for a session and he said – CHEESE MOM-MA. I love how he says MOM-MA. Melts my heart.

Fitzy – you are loved. Always!

I’m quite a holiday grinch – by most people’s standards – I’ll write more about that later.

While my mother-in-law doesn’t go over the top for holidays – by any means – she does have her traditions she would like to continue with Fitzy – just like my parents!

Fitzy did LOVE his first Easter egg hunt!

I found myself tearing up as I edited these pictures. I don’t usually do that with pictures of Fitzy. But the emotion overwhelmed me. The smile on his little face. How much he adores his grandparents. How blessed we are to have him.

Thank you Grandma Barden for carrying on your traditions with Fitzy! The love you have for him blesses us so much!

Happy Easter dear baby! I can’t wait to share in years to come what we will do to celebrate Easter – new life in Jesus!

In March – Fitzy turned TWENTY THREE months old!

We happened to be at my parents for the 28th so we got some pictures with Fitzy’s favorite farm animals!

I love that my parents (and Jared’s parents) have such a great relationship with Fitzy. He absolutely adores them!

That’s Blue – Fitzy’s horse – or so he thinks!

Fitzy – you are such a joy in our lives! I’m savoring every day with you as a 1 year old! I cannot believe that you will be TWO in no time at all! WE LOVE YOU!