My cousin and his girlfriend had a SWEET baby girl in September! I am so honored that they asked me to photograph her!

She is one of us – FOR SURE!

OH MY WORD! Those cheeks!

Chris & Amanda – thank you SO much for asking me to photograph your little one! She is GORGEOUS!

If you don’t know – Jared and I share a website where we blog – the marriage fight.

In order to better understand what I’m about to write here – you might want to hop on over there and read – at least – the last two entries. About grace.

There is so much I want to say. So much I want to just pour out – but it’s not time. It’s not all mine to share. So I won’t.

But I will tell you this. I’m struggling. In the past – I’ve written about the hard times. It’s how I heal. How I process.

That’s a tear on my arm – right above the dandelion. It’s mine. From this morning. There were a lot more. A lot.

I’m angry. I’m confused. I look at the pictures on our bedroom wall and wonder what happened to those people. In our wedding photo. At a picnic. At the beach.

Pregnant with Fitzgerald. That’s where you can see the change. All the pictures before – we were – different. You can see it. We aged – quickly. That sparkle in our eyes isn’t as bright. Looking back – we should have been in counseling the first time we miscarried. Tomorrow would be Enoch’s 4th birthday. FOURTH. I cannot believe that it’s been that long.

(I’m okay – little Enoch in my belly is okay – I’m talking about our first baby – which we also named Enoch)

And then it all just kept coming. We got pregnant so easily that first time. And then – not so much. And I got really sad. And Jared got really sad. And then we got pregnant with Fitzy. And a new chapter in our life began. In so many areas. We miscarried again. We lost sight of each other and what was important in our lives. In our marriage. We miscarried again. Then we started to get our marriage back. It was a rough spell – but forgiveness and grace was abundant. Then we got pregnant. Again. For a fifth time. And we knew he would stay. And we both felt really awesome about where we were. How far we had come. How far God brought us from where we were.

And then – almost overnight – it started to crash. Hard. Harder than all the crap I just mentioned. Harder than anything I have ever been through. And it broke. And the pieces are still scattered. Just a few corners and edges put into place. But like with any puzzle – once you get to all blue sky in the beautiful landscape background – all the pieces look the same. And you have to start sorting them by shape. Pouring over the slight changes in the color – teeny little changes. And it takes a very long time to fit them together. To figure it out.

I feel like that’s where we are. So much has happened and there’s so much to piece together – that it’s overwhelming. The entire puzzle is blue sky. And even the edges and corners are tough. Intricate and detailed. Specific. Each piece has to fit perfectly.

And it’s taking a very long time. Which in reality – is a speck. But oh my – it seems so long already.

And in less than 7 weeks – Enoch will be here. Another precious baby in this house. A house that will have new windows next week and we can move upstairs. And if I’m honest – I’m having a hard time being excited. Because I’m terrified.

I started counseling yesterday – and she asked – what were 4 things I do well. Only 4? Just kidding. I thought about it.

Well – I organize well. I have a take control personality – so I think I lead well. I am a photographer and I think that God has blessed me with the ability to see things others can’t – so I capture moments well. And I mother well.

What’s your goal? What – my goal? Um – my goal was to have a baby before I turned 30 – I was 29 and 11 months. Check. Start a photography business. Check. But now – to be fun. To be a fun mom and wife and sister and daughter and friend. Because sometimes – I’m not. But we all need that one person that says – c’mon guys – should we REALLY do this? Do you REALLY need that sweater for $100? I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses.

And.

Love hopes all things. Right?

I mean – it’s tattooed on my arm. I look at it every day. Multiple times a day. And still – I lose hope. I cry and I whine. And I HATE whining.

Right now – it’s a deep deep valley. One where the sun hardly shines. And I am so thankful for my growing family. I am so thankful that I get to spend the days with a little boy who is full of joy. And hope.

Fitzy’s newest thing is to stand on something – a block – or a shoe – and balance. He says – MOM – look at me do this! I say – that’s fantastic baby! I’m so proud of you! And he waddles off to find the next thing to balance on. When he sees something he likes – he says – oh momma – that’s so niiiiiiiice. ooooooh. It’s seriously the best. He does the dishes. He does the laundry. He cleans the sink. He folds clothes. He washes windows.

I was so angry that this was happening now. Why couldn’t this have happened when we didn’t have a baby and one on the way. Without Fitzy – I would be in that valley too. Me – personally. I’m in it now with Jared – but I have to be the one to remind him – us – to look for the sun. Without Fitzy – it would be a lot easier to find a cave together – crawl into the darkness – and not care about coming out.

I told my aunt the other day that I felt like God was giving me the bare minimum to get by. That He could see me dangling off the cliff by my pinky – barely holding on. And He said – well – here’s a little deeper of a ledge for you to grasp. Just a little. I know you want more – but this is all you can have right now.

Now – I know – I know – God isn’t mean and vindictive. He doesn’t take pleasure in watching me dangle – although some of you would disagree with that. But it’s how I feel. And feelings are important. And so is the truth. That God is covering us and holding us.

And I tell you what seems like random babble – to say this. God has given me organizational skills. Leadership skills. Strength – but knowing to ask for help when I need it. The ability to see beauty in things that others can’t. And I’m a great mom. I have never had to use those skills like I am right now. Like I will have to. That all that crap was to prepare me – us – for this.

To depend on Jesus.

Fitzy asked me to rock him today – he hasn’t asked me to do that in a while. A few weeks. But it’s been MONTHS that he has fallen asleep while I rocked him. I needed that today. To hold my baby and know that God is holding me – holding Jared – holding Fitzy – holding Enoch – even tighter. That while I’m dangling off the edge of that cliff – while we are – that He isn’t above us – giving us just a little bit more – He’s right below us. Ready. Waiting.

Today – I texted Jared and said – What do I do? He said – Pray. Wait. Listen. Love.

I’ve prayed and prayed – and pray. I’ve waited and I feel like I don’t have much time left to wait. I’m listening but not hearing. And love. Love has been redefined in my book. Which isn’t always a bad thing. Hard – yes. Bad – no. So I love.

But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what we need.

Well – yes. A miracle. We need a miracle to find our way out of this valley.

While I tend to give out tough love – more than gentle love – I didn’t like receiving it today (not mentioning any names – Ericka) but it was what I needed to hear.

We need prayer. We need hope. We need a miracle. We need Jesus.

My dear friend Megan Hampton took some family photos for us in August!

I am very blessed with a fantastic in-law family!

I still cannot believe that we are going to be a family of four! Soon!

I will be getting a GIANT wall print of that bottom shot! I ADORE it!

Megan – I absolutely LOVE these pictures! I cannot thank you enough!!

In August – my brother and his family came home for a visit! My sister and her hubby came with them!

When I took these pictures – Samm was at 167 lbs lost – AND COUNTING!

SERIOUSLY!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE those shots! I am so proud of my sister for taking control of her life and making a change!

Samm wanted a picture with all three of her babies – but they were NOT cooperating!

We needed an updated family picture! With three little ones – this was the best we got!

Jessica & Derek haven’t had any pictures taken together since their wedding! We had to fix that!

Aren’t they sweet!

We had such a great time with everyone! Can’t wait till we can all be together again!

Vanessa happens to be my “baby” cousin. I remember holding her for the first time at the hospital. My sister and I spent many MANY hours babysitting her and her younger brother. I was 15 – and now she is 17. And graduating. And gorgeous.

SERIOUSLY!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE those shots!

That’s my dad’s Highlander. She is the friendliest cow I’ve ever known! Fitzy loves to pet her and sit on her!

That might be my favorite shot of the night! I love taking pictures at my parents – they have such a FANTASTIC property with SO many options!

Vanessa – I love you. Be yourself. Don’t give in. Don’t give up. You are worth it.

When I was pregnant with Fitzy – I had a contest to guess his birth – date – time – weight – length.

Turns out – my BFF was the closest.

Fitzy was born on April 28, 2011 at 2:17 PM weighing 7 lbs 7.7 oz and 19 1/2 inches long!

Johna guessed April 28, 2011 at 2:04 PM weighing 8 lbs 7 oz and 20 inches long! Crazy right? There were other people that guessed the exact height and ONE that guessed his weight at 7 lbs 7 oz.

I thought it would be fun to have another contest – where the winner just gets bragging rights.

Fitzy was due on 5.8.2011 and he was born on 4.28.2011. ALSO – I am due with Enoch on 11.27.2013 – if that helps! 

AND a copy of my brother’s book – The Tales of Rishon-Rune: The Great Elf Leader and the Other-World Witch!

Check out his website for more!

If you want to guess the stats for baby Enoch – you MUST post a comment to this blog entry. That’s the only way I can keep it all organized and keep track of the guesses. I made quite the spreadsheet last time – cus I’m a huge nerd.

I also haven’t been documenting this pregnancy as much as I did with Fitzy – something about having a toddler running around – or something! But I have been taking at least one picture a week – on IG – and then I post them to facebook – but if you only follow my blog – here you go!

That picture is at 16 weeks – I started at 15 weeks with Fitzy – but seriously – who’s counting?

20 weeks!

22 weeks! Wednesday – July 24th.

25 weeks!

27 weeks!

Also – we’ve added another name for little Enoch (pronounced E-nick)! His full name will be Enoch Samuel Cody Barden. Cody is Jared’s cousin and was the best man in our wedding. Cody means helper or wealthy! We are so anxious to see what this little boy will look like! I hope he has Jared’s green eyes!

GUESS AWAY!

If you follow me on INSTAGRAM – I use #farmlife when we visit my parents!

My mom and I thought these might be monarchs – but we were wrong!

Fitzy took a very slow and very safe tractor ride!

Look at that little smile – I just love him SO much!

My mom told Fitzy to hold on to Pa as tight as he could. He listened!

We love spending time on the farm with my parents – Fitzy will be a great farm helper in a few years!

In June – we took Fitzy to the zoo – in the Bronx!

My sister and her husband live in New Jersey – so it’s two trips in one!

Crazy boy!

My sister has lost over 150 pounds in 14 months! I can’t stop telling everyone I meet about her! She looks (and feels) FANTASTIC!

Fitzy is a pretty cautious little guy – he didn’t want to get too close – didn’t want to pet anything – just enjoyed the day!

It was a LONG but great day!

Fitzy LOVES his Sammy (or as he calls her – Hammy) and Xavier. Both mornings he woke up saying – HAMMMMMY! HAMMMMY! HAMMMMMMMY!

Thanks SO much for having us over for the weekend – we love you guys!

Today was our ultrasound appointment – to find out if we are having a baby boy or a baby girl!

Today marks the 20 week point in our pregnancy! I feel like this pregnancy is FLYING by!

When Dave Fitzgerald sent us the text –

You will get pregnant again. And even though you will default in your minds that you will probably miscarry – oh no. You will have a healthy child – possibly twins! It will be huge and massive BUT you must keep it to yourselves and announce at the END of the first trimester.

This is a promise from God and you will rename the son Enoch. God is NOT done with you. He’s just starting. You need to tuck this word on your hearts and cover it. The Enoch tattoo was intended as a remembrance BUT in God’s time was a prophetic act as to your next son’s name being branded. 

It will be a massive testimony and will restore relationships, friendships, and family ties in ways you never thought possible. It’s going to be mammoth. It will be full circle. Both of your families will be remarkably astounded at what God will do through you in this next pregnancy. BUT you MUST NOT announce it until the end of the 1st trimester. Not even to close friends or family. YOU MUST WAIT!

I honestly feel stronger about this than the word I gave you for Fitzy! You can’t even tell me when you first find out – I will already know. You can’t tell ANYONE! BELIEVE IT! RECEIVE IT! ACT! God is good and will be massively glorified through it. Save these messages for confirmation and documentation. Not for me – but so that we can honor Christ Jesus & God’s ridiculous faithfulness. He is good. He is really REALLY good!

ANYWAY – when he sent us the text – we both just assumed that our next child would be a son!

We are so excited to announce that we are having a BOY – our second son.

We would like to introduce you to Enoch Samuel Cody Barden!

Enoch – for obvious reasons. We tried to pick other names – and we did – but kept coming back to the fact that we HAD to name him Enoch. Enoch is the name we gave the first baby we lost (in October of 2009) and it means dedicated. In the Bible – Jared has a son and names him Enoch. But Enoch didn’t die. He walked with God and THEN God took him to heaven. He is only one of two people to just walk into heaven. AMAZING! Samuel means God hears or name of God AND we needed to honor my sister – Samantha. Cody is Jared’s cousin – and the best man in our wedding! Cody means helpful!

Our sweet little gift from God. Our miracle. Fitzy’s little brother.

I am so excited (and scared and nervous and thankful) to have another baby boy to hold in my arms. I cannot wait for Fitzy to meet his baby and for our hearts to heal. I can’t wait to be a momma to my boys.

Thank you for your prayers! WE LOVE YOU!

As I sit here and type this blog – a can feel the tiny little movements of a baby inside. Just the little flutters that make you realize there is indeed something in there.

We find out whether this addition is a boy or a girl on July 10th. Either way – this will most likely be our last addition. I love being pregnant and would be thrilled to have at least 4 children. But I have to remember that we have 5 – and for all eternity – we will celebrate with them! I love being a momma – more than anything I’ve ever done. Jared keeps reminding me that kids are WAY out of his comfort zone – although – he is a FANTASTIC daddy to Fitzy. While our hearts are so happy with this little miracle and Fitzgerald – we still hurt from time to time. I don’t have a great history of staying pregnant. And while I don’t want to live my life in fear – I DO want to enjoy what I have been given. It’s a hard decision to make – thankfully – we have time.

But especially with the 99% chance that this will be our last baby – I want to enjoy every precious minute I can.

I took a maternity leave with Fitzy . Kinda. Sorta. Not really.

And while I loved taking your pictures – I did miss that little baby.

So this time – I will be taking 6 months off. Seriously. From November to April – I will not be scheduling any sessions or weddings. When I do return – it will be on a 1 wedding a month limit – with a handful of sessions (most likely current clients) each month. I am still trying to decide what to do about new referrals outside of seniors – since they are mostly always new clients. And this might be the norm from here on out – until my kiddos are all in school.

I’ve known one thing my whole life – I want to be a momma. And God knew. And He heard. And He gave. And He gives. Again.

SO – if you know that you want a session next year once May rolls around – it’s not too early to let me know. I already have one wedding in September and an inquiry for May. And if I’ve taken pictures for you before and you need some done while I am off – email me – and I will recommend some great photographers to you!

Thank you all for your love – your support – your prayers. It means so much.