Yesterday marked 20 weeks pregnant!

I am measuring right on target with my belly at 20 cm! I still get a little sick in the mornings if I don’t eat RIGHT away! I am exhausted still and had a bad cold/sinus thing for the last two weeks that I am now just getting over – thank You Jesus! My migraines have decreased and I think I am feeling pretty good – other than the cold!

We are still in shock over this baby boy! We’ve gotten so many great little gifts already for Fitz! Thank you everyone!

Here are the comparative photos at 15 and 20 weeks!

Look at those chubby cheeks – I am blaming it on the fact that I don’t feel good!

I do love having this baby “bump”! My mom had me on May 26th and we were talking about how she didn’t even start showing till February – and she was MUCH thinner than I was when she got pregnant! Strange how it’s different for everyone!

The problem with my uterus has fixed itself – so that is good news!

Thank you again to everyone who reads my blog, supports my photography, and rejoices with us over this miracle!

Becky was originally a barden photography bride when KT was on board.

Becky was very understanding with the situation and is still a faithful client!

Brody is her second child and he joined the world earlier this month!

Becky & Matt – I CANNOT wait to meet your miracle on Tuesday! Thank you for allowing me into your hearts to capture your lives!

Today was our ultrasound appointment – to find out if we are having a baby boy or a baby girl!

Sunday will be 20 weeks – ALREADY! It’s going so slow but at the same time so fast!

I have been on team girl – but not the whole time. Jared is on team boy! I thought at first it was a boy – maybe – then my brother and his wife found out they were having a girl and I thought – hmmmm – maybe we are too! I’ve been shopping for little Rowyn (Derek and Jessica’s miracle) and have just been in girl mode – all the little cute outfits and accessories – I am just in love!

Today we determined a winner!

We are so excited to introduce you to …

Our son – Fitzgerald Derek Douglas Barden – Fitzgerald means son of a spear warrior and we wanted to honor Jared’s friends Dan & Dave Fitzgerald along with the whole Fitzgerald family – Derek means famous ruler and is also my brother’s name – Douglas means flowing from the dark river and is Jared’s middle name (along with his dad’s middle name)! We will be calling him Fitz!

Barden means barley valley – just looked that one up!

The pictures above are at 12 weeks and today – 19 weeks!! Everything looks great – 4 chambered heart – all organs and limbs and brain are right on target!

He is unmistakably a boy – since he was waving his parts at us!

The next 20 weeks are going to be so quick! Although I am sure there will be times that I wish it would fly by faster!

We are having 5 baby showers – so exciting!

On March 19th – a Saturday – we will be hosting an open invitation baby shower for friends/facebook friends/clients/blog readers at Liberty Bible Church!

On March 27th – my dear friend Johna will be hosting one!

On April 2nd – a Saturday – my sister will be hosting another open invitation baby shower for friends/facebook friends/clients/blog readers in the Athens area at Mount Pisgah Wesleyan Church!

On April 3rd my mom is hosting one for our little boy and my brother’s little girl!

On April 16th – Jared’s mom is hosting one!

I have had so many people say they want to come to a shower – and by no means am I having the open invitation showers for gifts – YOU ALL have been reading and sharing with me on journey – and I want you there to share in the JOY that is our baby!

I am so excited to be a momma to Fitz and love on all my boys!

About 4 or 5 years ago – we were sitting in the Fitz’s living room at Christmas and Christy starts telling me about her friend Rachel. Rachel was a school teacher but she loved photography. She took a leap of faith and started her own business and it was really starting to take off! Christy brought up her website and we browsed the amazing photos! I remember the newborns being BREATHTAKING!

Jared said – hey didn’t I walk down the aisle with her at your wedding – indeed he had! From that moment on I bookmarked her blog and have been reading ever since. When KT lived with us for that semester in college – we would look at Rachel’s blog every day and I would say – someday KT – someday I wanna have a business like Rachel – I want people to look at my work and feel that same emotion I feel when I look at hers.

Rachel – I can honestly say that though we never met or really corresponded till recently – that YOU encouraged me to quit my job as a secretary and follow my dreams. When I got discouraged I would go to your blog and read your words and see your photos and KNOW that this was my purpose!

You have inspired me and helped me get where I am today – THANK YOU! You have always been true to give God the credit and talk openly about your love for Jesus – thank you for that!

Which was why – when we decided to visit Dave & Christy – I KNEW that we had to book a session with you! I had hoped beyond all hope that we would be pregnant for our session – and look at that – we were! We had a great time with you and just loved getting to meet you and be in front of your camera. You honestly made us feel like we were old friends just playing in a field!

I cannot thank you enough for sharing your talent with us!

Make sure to check out our session on her blog!

I just got the link to our photos last night and I already have an order written out – but I have to look at them AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN just to make sure! THEY ARE AMAZING!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

I have a friend who recently lost her baby at 22 weeks – an experience that I can relate to but not totally understand. We miscarried at 10 weeks – never saw a picture of our little one – never heard a heartbeat – never felt a movement – but knew that he was indeed there. My friend delivered her baby and had him in her arms for a week before saying goodbye. A heartache that I cannot imagine.

I CAN tell this friend that I know of her pain with loss – that I know of her despair and frustration. When she asks why this had to happen to her – I can only tell her that I don’t know – that horrible things happen all the time. But I do know that God can use this experience for good. I don’t believe that God took our Enoch from us – but I do believe that God uses the moments we go through to strengthen us – to teach us – to show us – and the others around us experiencing the same heartache.

Enoch was in my womb for 10 weeks – 10 short weeks – and influenced our lives more than I can ever explain. I have met so many people through facebook or this blog that have gone through loss – going through loss – going through infertility struggles. People that have finally been able to grieve their loss – have a voice about their own heartache – and have hope for the future. If losing Enoch was able to help someone else cope with loss and grief – then it was worth it. I know where my child is – I know that he is in the arms of Jesus – safe and sound. He is free from pain – from sorrow – from heartache. He only knows love and peace. I never have to worry about him being bullied or getting his heart broke. I never have to see tears in his eyes and wonder why I can’t take the pain away. I would love for him to be in our arms – but if he can’t – there is no place I would rather have him.

With Christmas approaching – Enoch is especially missed. While we are blessed with a baby on the way – Christmas is still bittersweet.

There are lots of families out there struggling with the same bittersweetness this season. I have several friends struggling with infertility – some have answers – some are still waiting for answers – all are waiting for a baby in their arms. One of those friends posted this link the other day and I wanted to share it with you – Stepping Stones.

God has been using several situations in my life to teach me lessons. Sympathy for people in pain through my struggle with TMJ. Patience and letting Him have control in waiting to be pregnant. Sensitivity to those struggling with loss and infertility.

Since the beginning of our pregnancy journey – Jared and I have felt that with each phase – you belong to a different club. When we first started trying to get pregnant you connect with the people that are also at that phase – you talk about counting days and holding your breath while you wait for the test to come back. When you do get pregnant and get that test with the two blue lines – your club gets smaller. You and some of the other people that were trying are also pregnant now – part of a new club. You dread telling your friends that are still trying – that are getting negative tests – you try not to avoid them but you don’t want to cause them pain with your joy. Then you miscarry – and the club that you were a part of becomes too painful. It hurts too much to be with the people that were pregnant with you – the ones that are still pregnant and will be holding their babies while you hold your stomach and mourn for what could have been – what should have been. Your friends that are still trying and struggling accept you back into their club – but you are also part of a new club – now with loss in common. You relate to each other – you cry with each other – you hope with each other. You all know that at any second YOU could find out you’re pregnant and be a member of yet another club. Or your close friend can become pregnant – and you are so happy for them yet so heartbroken that it’s not you – why not you? Why do you have to wait yet another month – another year? When you do get pregnant – you are back in the club with your friends that were pregnant and have their 6 month old babies giggling in their arms – and yet part of you aches for the club you left behind again. You know that you are still a part of it – and will always be – but you’ve been there – when your friend tells you she is pregnant and that jealousy and anger runs through your veins – and you can’t look at her without your heart breaking. You know that you are now the cause of that heartache.

Make sure to check out that link I mentioned and say a prayer for the families that are missing their children and waiting for that miracle.

I cannot believe that we are 15 weeks pregnant!

I’ve moved from morning sickness to all day sickness. I’ve had a migraine once every two weeks. I am exhausted. I started noticing stretch marks yesterday! I am so thankful for this miracle growing every day!

I plan on Jared taking two pictures of me every Sunday to document our weekly progress!

That is my mom’s shirt from high school – the most comfortable thing I own!

I love the way I look – not too crazy about the way I feel – but it’s all part of the package that I am so thankful for!

We have another appointment to check progress and what not on Friday. I have a slight problem where my placenta is resting on my cervix so we have to monitor that and check at our 20 week ultrasound to see if it has moved or not. At our US I want to find out what we are having – but we decided to ask the tech to write it on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope to open Christmas morning. We will go over to Jared’s parents and then call my parents, sister, and brother and all open it and find out together!

I went shopping with my sister in tax-free NJ last week and got all the maternity clothes I need! I am trying very hard to NOT buy anything for the baby – but I couldn’t help myself with a few items! I got a cute Thanksgiving onesie that says “I’m stuffed” and a fuzzy winter coat thinger that was too cute and on sale!

We registered for big baby gifts at Burlington Coat Factory with my mom and Aunt Lori. Once we find out what we are having we are gonna go with Jared’s parents to register for some more gifts! I cannot wait to have baby showers! I just can’t wait to share this joy with everyone that has cried, prayed, and hoped with us! I am thinking that I should have one in Athens – one in Troy – one in Mansfield – for facebook friends and blog readers! If anyone knows of any large venues to host a shower like that – let me know!!!

I am so behind on blogging sessions – so I will only blog belly pictures at 20, 25, 30, 35, and 40 weeks – but the weekly pictures will be on facebook!

Thank you again to everyone who reads my blog, supports my photography, and rejoices with us over this miracle!

We had our ultrasound appointment today!

We are 12 weeks and one day today! Our due date is May 8th – a Sunday – MOTHER’S DAY – which makes me cry!

Jared and I are absolutely in awe of this little life that is hanging out in my belly!

Such a sweet little baby – two arms and two legs – heartbeat between 160 and 170 – about the length of my index finger.

As I sit here and type I am just utterly in shock that this little miracle is inside of me!

God is so good – if you don’t have a relationship with Him – you need to.

We are still struggling with a girl name – we want Fitzgerald either way – so a girl might just be Fitzie Samantha!

I will be having a contest for sure about the DOB – height – weight – time of birth! It’ll be so fun!

Also – call me crazy but I want you all to be at the baby shower – how awesome would that be!!

Thank you again everyone for your prayers and your love!

We had our first OB appt with Dr. Becker in Wellsboro today! I was so nervous – of course I threw up this morning – but I’ve been throwing up every morning. I didn’t want to go – I just wanted to cancel and pretend that everything would just be fine. Out appt was at 7.45 am so I picked up J from work and we made it right on time. We went through the medial history of both of us and then came the real stuff!

Dr. Becker came in and asked some more questions. I wanted 3 things from today’s appointment – have been praying for 3 things.

1. I cut down my medication to 10 mg a night. I tried to go off it completely and literally could not function. I did the research – prayed about it – and researched some more. I feel confident that being on such a low dosage will be safe and fine. Dr. Becker agreed – thank you Jesus!

2. I needed to hear a heartbeat. Even if it was just a few seconds – I needed to hear it! Because we are so early – it was tough to get – we could hear mine and only mine. Then – really quick – but so fast and clear – we could hear the woosh woosh woosh woosh of OUR BABY! We only found it twice – but it was there and strong! Jared and I both cried – couldn’t even look at each other without crying!

3. I really wanted to see our baby – that memory of a blank screen is so vivid in my memory – I needed to be able to open my eyes and see our baby! To get a firm due date – Dr. Becker scheduled an US for Monday at 1.30!

I prayed for 3 things and each of those prayers were answered! Praise Jesus!

Everything looks good so far – they took 8 vials of blood – EIGHT! I got a flu shot and our next appt is November 19th at 4 pm!

20 weeks will be DECEMBER 25th – WHAT A CHRISTMAS PRESENT – we will find out if we are having a Fitzgerald Douglas or an Isa Samantha!

I feel so much better – like I can breathe and really be excited – and go buy some new clothes – cus my jeans aren’t cutting it anymore!

Thank you so much everyone – for your prayers – your thoughts – your tears – your excitement – EVERYTHING! I love all of you more than you know!

I cannot wait to have a baby shower and invite every single one of you!

Today is October 11th – your first birthday!

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you – the difference is that the tears come less and less when I do.

I imagine that you are walking now and getting into all sorts of things in heaven – I wonder if they have child locks?

I think about how different our lives would be if you were here. My day would consist of loving on you and cuddling instead of editing and capturing miracles for everyone else. I wouldn’t have gotten nearly as much sleep as I have. I would be marveling every day at the beauty of life and the miracle of your sweet smile.

Right now your daddy and I are waiting to see your little brother or sister – in 11 days. Something I doubted would happen.

I am so scared. I am so nervous. When we opened our eyes to see you – you were already gone – and it is the only way I know.

I am waiting to see your little sibling and be able to breathe again. We are waiting for your little cousin in February and as much joy as it brings, it brings tears to my eyes to know that you won’t play together – you won’t spend summers at Grammas – you won’t be able to be that bossy oldest cousin – like I was.

But – like I said – the pain of you not being here lessens every day – but that doesn’t mean we don’t love you any less – more actually.

Enoch – I can only imagine your face covered in that first birthday cake – smiling through the sugar. And it makes me cry and so happy to call you mine.

Happy birthday sweet son of mine.

Stephani and I met on FACEBOOK and have had this session set up for quite a while!

Her son *W* is a CUTIE!

I am so behind on blogging that baby *J* is already here!!!

Thank you so much for allowing me to capture this time in your life! I can’t wait to meet baby *J*!