Four years. Four years ago today we lost our first baby – little Enoch. The darkest times of my life followed. I lost hope. I was angry with God. I questioned Him. I prayed. I cried. I asked. I hurt. He listened and healed. The process was slow – on my end.

He gave. He showered me with love and grace. He held me. Hurting and crying. Lost and desperate. I felt alone and forgotten. And He gave. It’s crazy.

I’m so thankful for that time. I’m thankful that I can be a shoulder for other women going through loss and struggling to have a baby. I wish I didn’t have a list. I wish I didn’t have 74 people listed – people who wanted. People who waited. People who are still wanting. And waiting. But the reality is – I do. They are there. And so I name them. I bold them and italicize them and write BABY after their names when their little ones come. I pray every day for them. And while I wish that they didn’t have to be on that list – I pray.

I wouldn’t change what happened. You’d think I would. But I wouldn’t even be aware of those 74 names is we hadn’t lost Enoch. I wouldn’t be aware of hurting hearts – praying for a baby to hold. To love. I’m blessed to pray for them. I’m blessed to be involved in their lives. I’m blessed to hold babies. Babies whose names have been always known to God. Prayers that have been whispered and cried and shouted and screamed and begged. Prayers that are now warm little babies. Beautiful babies. And because of this – I am blessed.

We wouldn’t have Fitzgerald if we had been given Enoch. We might have had another baby at the same exact time – but it wouldn’t be exactly Fitzgerald. And he is amazing. I cannot imagine my life without him in it. He has touched us in so many ways. And while I wouldn’t have known any different – I like to think I might have. I might know that he was out there. Meant to be ours but not with us. And I would miss him. Terribly.

On February 13th – it had been a year since our little Joy Christina left us for heaven. I didn’t write a blog. I remembered her and thanked God for the tiny time she was here. I was hurting then – a month ago. Badly – and while writing is therapeutic for me – I couldn’t sit down and talk about my goodbyes to her. It hurt too much. I wanted another baby so badly and to remember that she was taken too early – was too much to bear. So I didn’t. And I felt bad. Like she would be upset that I didn’t acknowledge her. But that’s silly. I know that she knows I love her.

And in a month – God has given me peace.

A week from today was our due date with our 4th baby – Lewis Samuel. And I sit here typing this – there are no tears streaming down my face. Not that crying would have been bad. But I’ve cried so much. I’ve missed so much. I’ve mourned so much.

And it’s time.

It’s time for joy. And for peace. And for rejoicing. And for that – I am glad.

Enoch – you are the baby that started it all. You were our first. And while I never saw you – not even on an ultrasound screen – I know your face. I love you dear boy.

Joy – you were a surprise. A joyous surprise. One that we never met. You would be 6 months old today. I imagine you with curls. And green eyes. I love you dear girl.

Lewis – I was convinced that you were a baby meant for my arms. We saw you on an ultrasound. Heard your tiny heartbeat. And still you left. In a week from today I would have been holding you in my arms – realizing that I’ve known your face my whole life. If we hadn’t lost Joy – we wouldn’t have you. And for that – I am thankful. I love you dear boy.

We miss you so much down here.

But I love that you are there.

70 names. 19 with babies. 15 pregnant. 39 wanting. pray.

If you are friends with me on FACEBOOK – you’ve seen something like this as my status. Over and over. It might be obnoxious. But I can’t stop. Seriously. CANNOT STOP.

70 names. 19 with babies. 15 pregnant. 39 wanting. pray. that was March 6th. 

67 names. 18 with babies. 8 pregnant. 41 wanting.pray. that was March 5th.

In one day – ONE DAY – pregnant almost doubled. DOUBLED.

Today – I’m not sad. I haven’t been sad about not having another baby for about a week now. That’s a HUGE step for me. I am finally letting the peace that God has given me about our decision take over – instead of fighting it. Fighting it because we should have 3 more. I’m feeling peace instead of being angry and hurt. Instead of wondering why me and why NOT me at the same time. It’s awesome. And I finally don’t feel guilty saying that.

God has placed SUCH a heavy burden on my heart for these 70 women that have asked for prayer (or have been put on my list by someone that loves them). There is not ONE SINGLE DAY that goes by that I don’t pray for them. I am in awe. I am overwhelmed at the emails and messages. The tears and the hopes. The amazing blessings that are pouring out on “my” wanting mommas. I am usually one of the FIRST people to know about their little babies. It gives me goosebumps. I cry and pray and thank Jesus for their gifts.

But I also don’t forget the heartaches. While that number has almost doubled – a few days before that – it was at 10. Then at 8. Two of those wanting mommas lost their miracles. It’s not fair. It hurts. And I italicize their name – cus I know that I wanted my lost ones recognized. And I pray again. For renewed strength and hope. And then again for more hope. Because I lost mine. So I pray again for even more hope.

Speaking of hope – I asked a woman I admire to share her journey with me. With you. With us. To encourage. To give hope. Here is her story.

I hope that my story will be a source of encouragement and support for those many couples who are praying for children with their prayers not yet answered.

I was 21 when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis.  It was very painful and debilitating.  After many unsuccessful treatments I ended up having an emergency hysterectomy when I was 23.  I had never been pregnant, so I knew I was never going to be able to give birth to my own children.  This was something that I needed to grieve and accept.  I needed to accept that I was never going to experience the joy of hearing, “You are pregnant”.  I was never going to be able to tell my husband that he was going to be a daddy.  I was never going to experience the “pregnancy glow” that I saw so many woman have. I was never going to experience a child growing inside of me, feeling a little flutter and then later a huge kick. I am sure some of you reading this can relate on many levels to what I am saying.

There was a part of me that felt that I was being punished by God for some reason.  Part of me felt that maybe God felt that I was not going to be a good mommy.  I was not sure.  All I knew was that I had a huge void in my life and nothing was going to fill it except a baby.

When I met my husband, I had the scary task of telling him that I was unable to have children.  I was terrified that he would reject me.  I felt like I was “damaged goods”.  When I finally worked up the courage to tell him, he looked me in the eyes and said, “So, we will adopt”.  The relief I felt was indescribable.

About a year after we were married we began our adoption process.  We had no idea what we were doing.  We began looking online for foreign adoptions, but knew there was no way we could afford them.  We also felt there we so many children in the US that needed good homes.  We prayed that God would lead us to the children He wanted us to parent.
We filled out applications and looked at different lawyers and agencies.  We were so disheartened that it felt that kids were being sold.  We got tired of the price tags on children’s heads.  When we did get interviews from one particular agency we felt like we were  being treated like deviants because we could not have biological children.  The questions we were asked were invasive and judgmental.  At least from our perspective of two adults who really wanted children.

After 2 years of searching, crying, praying and being told by people that we should, “Go into foster care and be happy with what we have if we are so hard up to be parents”.  Yes, we were told that.  We went through depression phases, anger phases, resignation phases, everything.

On April 7, 1998, we received a phone call from a woman from Catholic Charities.  She asked us if we are still looking to adopt a child.  We said, “YES! Of course!” She then, almost apologetically, said, ” Well, this baby is black”.  I replied, “So? I don’t care about color”.  She told us that many black couples had refused her because she was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and addicted to crack.

We wanted her.  We had 3 very long days to get ready and wait. We had a 4 hour drive ahead of us before we could meet our daughter and bring her home.  The night before we left, I checked the nursery over. We had bought everything. Everything except crib sheets!  How could we forget those?  We ran out to Wal*Mart and bought crib sheets, washed them and put them on the crib.  We couldn’t sleep. We left at 3 AM.

We got there at 7 in the morning and decided to walk on the Lake Michigan shore.  BIG MISTAKE.  I had an asthma attack and didn’t have my inhaler.  My husband wanted to take me to the ER, but I wouldn’t let him. Instead we drove to a store for some Primatine Mist. Thank the Good Lord, it worked!  There was NO WAY I was going to miss out on meeting my daughter.  Then we realized we did not have the car seat attached properly.  Laughing at ourselves, 2 highly educated people couldn’t figure this out! We worked on it for quite a while in a McDonalds parking lot.
Finally. 11 AM.  Time to meet our daughter.  We drove to the agency.  Excited.  Nervous.  Eager.  Happy.  Euphoric.  We met her.  All 3 pounds 15 ounces of her.  She was perfect.  Sweet.  Crying like crazy.  It was surreal.

I remember 3 days later, holding her in my hands wondering who this was.  In that exact moment I fell in love with her and finally knew what love really was.  Even though it wasn’t long before we were in and out of doctor’s offices, hospitals and specialists for the next 15 years.  We knew without a doubt that she was meant to be ours.

By July of that same year, we decided we wanted a sister for our little girl!  Since it took 2 years of “labor pains” for our first daughter, we wanted to get started right away with the process.  A friend of mine worked with an adoption agency and called us asking if we were interested in a 15 month old girl, born with similar circumstances as our first.  We said, “YES!”  We began the process of getting ready for her. She had been in foster care all of her life except 3 days and they wanted to place her ASAP.

We went through the interview process.  We met her.  We were in love with her!  She was delightful!  Precious!  They were interviewing another couple, but felt that we were the ones they wanted to her to be placed with so it was just a formality.  Nothing to worry about.  We would get a phone call by the end of next week.  Next week came and went.  We didn’t get a phone call.  I called the Social Worker to find out what was going on.  She said that she couldn’t bring herself to call us because they decided to place the girl with the other couple.  The husband played for the Colts and the wife was a professional.  They could raise her to be a “productive member of society”.  I sobbed.  I was angry.  I told her that wasn’t my definition of success.  My husband and I cried and grieved.  We felt in our heart of hearts that this wasn’t right.

Two weeks later I can home from school to find my husband in the nursery moving things around.  I asked him what he was doing.  He replied that we was getting ready to bring our daughter’s sister home.  I thought he had lost it.  He told me to check the answering machine.  The Social Worker had called.  The couple had given the baby back.  They found out that she was pregnant and they did not want to raise their child with a “crack baby” for fear that the adopted baby would hurt their real baby.  So, once again we began to process of bringing our second daughter home.  We began with many visits.  This felt right.  By November of that same year, we brought our second daughter home to live with us!

About a year later we began the adoption process again.  We wanted more children, a house full.  Over the next couple of years we had many “adoption miscarriages”.  That is the only way I can think of to describe them.  So painful!  Then we found a birth mother who was 6 months pregnant.  We updated out autobiography and met with the adoption agency.  The birth mother chose us to be the family she wanted to raise her son.  We named him.  We fell in love with him.  We told our daughters about their baby brother.  We were supposed to pick him up at the hospital the weekend he was born.  We had a diaper bag packed and ready to go.  The weekend came and went.  We called the Social Worker.  The birth mother changed her mind and took the baby home with her.  I fell apart.  I told my husband, “No more”.  I cannot go through the emotional ups and downs of this.  We grieved “our son” for a while.  To this day we bring him up from time to time.

We then moved back “home”.  After a few years we decided to once again pursue adoption.  I felt that I wasn’t finished having children.  So we went through the loops, took the necessary classes and looked on the SWAN website for sibling groups.  We wanted to focus on siblings since they were harder to place.  There was no success.  A lot more pain.

We realized that we were going to be a family of 4 and we were okay with that.  We felt totally blessed with our daughters.  Yet, there was still a nagging feeling inside of me.  I wanted 1 more baby.  Allan did not feel the same way.  So it was put on the back burner.

Two years ago, my husband and I brought up adoption again.  This time we were both ready to think about it.  But we decided that if we were going to do this then God had to lead us because I did not have it in me to face further rejection.

In June of 2011 we were at a car dealership literally signing papers for a used van when my sister called asking if we wanted to adopt a baby.  She told me the situation.  The birth mother was 14 and looking for someone to adopt her baby.  She was due in one month.  We said, “YES!”  Right away we got a lawyer and called the agency we used when we took the classes years before.  They both thought this was never going to happen since we had only spoken with the grandmother of the baby, not the mother.  I assured them it was happening.  We got ready for the baby.

On July 9, 2011, we welcomed our 3rd daughter into our family.  I was able to be in the delivery room and cut the umbilical cord!  Our family is complete.  For now.  We will never turn away a child if one is presented to us.

So, God answered my prayers.  I am a mom.  I love my daughters SO much!  They are my answers to prayer.  My gifts.  My miracles.  I learned a lot these past 15 years.  So many people tell me how blessed the girls are to have us as parents.  No.  I who am blessed to be their mom.  Through these 3 amazing girls, I have learned my strengths, weaknesses, abilities, fears and how to truly trust and lean on God.  They have made me a better person.

There was a lot of heartache for my husband and I.  It was not an easy process for us.  But I would do it over again in a heartbeat.

I leave you with this.  There was a time when our first daughter was really sick.  I was angry at God.  Why would He bring us a child only to take her from us?  As I was going up the stairs to check on her, it was as if I heard Him say, “You dedicated her to Me.  She is Mine.  I am allowing you to raise her on earth.”  It was at that moment I truly dedicated any and all of our children to God.  They are not mine.  They are His.  And their lives are in His hands.  Always.

Eve-Marie – thank you SO much for sharing your story with me. With us. If you are waiting on God for an answer. For a baby – I am praying for you. For hope.

The first night we were in the hospital with Fitzy – the nurse asked if we wanted him with us or in the nursery. I said – if I say nursery – am I a bad mom? She giggled and reassured me that I was not. I said – then nursery it is! They brought him in when he was hungry and then took him back when he was done. I look back on this and I think – I can’t believe I didn’t want to just hold him and eat him up. I can’t believe I let him just lie in that cold cart all by himself. Oh right – I was exhausted – and the nurses took great care of him.

When we brought him home – I had every intention of putting him in a bassinet next to our bed. Which I did – but he cried. As soon as I picked him up – he went to sleep. As soon as I laid him down – he woke up and cried. While I tend to be a non-sympathetic person in general – when it comes to babies – I melt. I couldn’t let my new baby cry. What if he thought I didn’t love him. What if he thought I left him. What if he got scared. Yes – I actually thought these things.

It didn’t really matter. Schrute did not adjust well to Fitzy. I asked my dog-loving friends – they said – wait it out – give him a chance. Every time Fitzy made a move or a noise – Schrute was there in the blink of an eye – and not always gentle. He was jealous and confused. He was anxious and irritable. I didn’t trust him – I was uneasy.

I was exhausted. I would nurse Fitzy in bed and fall back asleep – sitting up – holding him. By the grace of God – nothing horrible happened. Jared was uneasy with it and so was I. We took to sleeping in the recliners in the living room with Fitzy on my chest – I would wake up and nurse him – and fall back asleep with him cradled in my arms – thankfully again – God kept him safe. It wasn’t ideal – but until Schrute found a new home – it would have to do.

side note – finding a new home for our first baby was one of the HARDEST things we’ve ever had to do. EVER . lots of people made me feel bad about it. some people understood. but for the most part – we were horrible for just getting rid of our dog. while he is doing fantastic in his new home – he has also bit two people. because they pet him unexpectedly. isn’t that exactly what babies and toddlers do. that could have been Fitzy – and it could have been fatal. and then I would most definitely be institutionalized.

We found a new home for Schrute. Time to have Fitzy sleep on his own – in the bassinet in our room. Our house is a little patched together. Our first floor is the kitchen and living room. Our second-ish floor is the bathroom and bedroom and laundry room and little cubby rooms. Our third-ish floor has two bedrooms. Our attic is big enough for two BIG rooms and a bathroom and then there is a loft in the attic. Our bedroom is on the second-ish floor. Fitzy’s is on the third-ish floor. WHICH FREAKS ME OUT. (I’m a control freak – remember) and while I try my best to keep it at bay – having my child on a different floor than me is NOT okay. I don’t know if it would ever be – especially such a teeny baby.

We moved his crib downstairs – tried here and there – he wanted to sleep right next to momma – which I didn’t mind. Oddly enough. I NEVER intended to be a co-sleeping mom. Co-sleeping moms are kinda crazy – so they say. That was NOT going to be me. I’ve heard stories about babies that sleep in their parents bed till Kindergarten. Nope. Not me. Not us. Won’t happen. But here we were.

Fitzy didn’t even really sleep through the night until about 14 months. Seriously. Having Fitzy sleep right next to me and get up multiple times in the night – way easier than me getting up and completely waking up. Every night.

Then Jared was not okay with it. He didn’t really let me know at first – it just exploded into this issue (followed by several other issues) and there was NOT going to be a baby in our bed anymore. His crib was moved upstairs (ugh). And since our friends said that they let their babies cry it out – that is what we were going to do. I was NOT happy – to say the least. But I would try it. Fitzy cried for 3 hours. 3 HOURS STRAIGHT. I refused to go get him. We tried the 5 minutes – 15 minutes – 30 minutes – blah blah blah. Only made it worse. But this was something that he was bound and determined would work. Finally – he caved. Ya know – after 3 hours of non-stop screaming.

I was willing to work on it – little by little. But I am not a cry it out mom. Kudos to those of you that are. We moved his crib back downstairs and would put him in it for naps and then to start the night. Naps would last maybe 45 minutes in his crib. Compared to the 2 hours on the couch. So he usually naps on the couch (unless it’s the weekend – then it’s on Jared) while I blog or edit or organize.

He would start out the night in his crib and usually stand up and say MOMMA at about 1. I would pick him up and lay him in bed and fall back asleep. And he would sleep the rest of the night.

We need to renovate our house – like – majorly. New windows. in. every. blasted. room. New siding. on our giant house. New laundry and nook rooms. New electric. New bedrooms. New attic. New attic bathroom. New doorways. Basically you name it – it needs to be done. So the goal is to work on a back bedroom for us that shares a wall with a little bedroom for Fitzy – and by that time – to have a baby that can sleep on his own. All night. In his own bed.

I rock Fitzy to sleep. Have since the moment he came home. I love it. He is an almost 3 foot – 33 pound – almost 22 month old. Kind of hard to get comfortable in a rocking chair with me. He lets me rock him to sleep for nap time. But the past month – I’ve had to lay him down in bed next to me and bop him to sleep. Sing Silent Night – hold him close.

We took the front off his crib and moved it flush with our bed. When he is finally asleep – I move him to his bed. There has been ONE night he slept there in that bed from 9 to 7. ONE. So far he sleeps till about 3 and then crawls over to me and cuddles up and falls back asleep till about 8. (Once when he was little bitty and sleeping in his car seat – yes we tried that trick – he slept all night – those are the two times)

Progress. Slow and steady. I make sure that this issue isn’t an issue in our marriage anymore – that I make time for Jared. That just because we have friends that don’t live this way – doesn’t mean that it’s horrible that we do. And I’ve completely changed my mind about co-sleeping parents. I understand now that some parents choose this option and that it works for them. While I don’t want Fitzy sleeping with us forever – it’s what worked for us then. For now.

And while I am frustrated and exhausted and basically running on prayers and little Fitzy kisses – I still love singing Silent Night. Every. Night.

I wrote this blog a month ago – so to update – He’s been getting worse the past week – he does have a cold – so it might be that. But it takes anywhere from 30 minutes to 90 minutes to get him to sleep and then he gets up at 130 and then again at 330 and stirs till 430 and then again at 630 and stays up usually. I cry for the 30 to 90 minutes it takes to get him to sleep. I cry when he wakes up at 630 – ready to go. I’ve been going to sleep when he does – leaving almost no time with just Jared – and this will not be an issue again. I have an appointment today for his little feet (he walks on the insides of his little ankles – really bad – maybe he’s in pain. hopefully there is something we can do for him. i have an appointment next week to see if we need to go gluten free – maybe it’s his little tummy. i can’t wait till warmer weather where he can run around and play outside and fall asleep on the floor playing – he has NEVER done that)

A huge surprise happened last night! It took 30 minutes to get him to sleep – usually he just wants to play and talk. He fell asleep at 9 and at 5 am woke up – IN HIS CRIB. He crawled over to me and we got up at 8. SERIOUS ANSWER TO PRAYER. And while my old self would say – it’s just a fluke – my new self is thankful for this! SO THANK YOU!

Recently I had to purge my life of FACEBOOK for a month. There are SO many reasons – FACEBOOK being a giant time waster – ignoring my child – ignoring my house – ignoring Jared – caring too much what people thought (which is something I’ve never dealt with) – and jealousy.

Jealousy was a BIG one. I really really really want to be happy in the house we live in. It’s slowly coming along. But I was getting VERY jealous of our friends that have the houses they loved – finding houses the loved. Cus in my mind the grass is ALWAYS greener – and usually on FACEBOOK you only see the grass is greener parts of life. It was bringing me down – not at the fault of any of our friends – totally mine.

Oh – and babies. While I truly love and feel called to pray for my mommas in wanting and being connected to them through FACEBOOK – I was getting really jealous of friends that were having blessings (and angry with the ones that complained about it) – so I needed to remove myself.

I’ve since rejoined the world of FACEBOOK – but I use the “remove from news feed” button. A lot. I understand that it’s not the BEST way to get over my issues – but it’s a start. A start to focus on the blessings that are in my life. Right. Now.

2012 SUCKED – basically like every other year it seems. But it really sucked. Such is my life – is what I tell Jared. He hates it. But sadly – it’s the truth. People have asked me why I stand by my faith in God when everything just seems to be craptastic. Why do I keep giving when it seems that all I get is more crap.

If this is the fate I have following God and giving – I’d hate to see what lies ahead without.

This year my goal is to count my blessings – not my sorrows – cus there will always be sorrows – but I really want to focus on the blessings. If that means that I have to take a FACEBOOK break – so be it. If that means that I have to write our blessings down – one by one – and put them in a jar – it will happen.

This family holds a special place in my heart! I’ve known them since little *E * was in his momma’s belly! I’ve photographed them at least once every 6 months since then (usually every 3 months) and it’s gonna start all over again with a new baby on the way!

Dustin is serving our country and won’t be home for Christmas – so they celebrated over Thanksgiving.

I am so BLESSED to be capturing this year for you while Dustin is serving! It’s bittersweet for sure – but I’m glad you’ll be in front of my lens so often!

I met Stephanie in 2009. She was looking for a wedding photographer! I didn’t have a date open – but after meeting her – I made an opening! She is sweet and caring and kindhearted and gorgeous and has such a heart for Jesus!

We did two bridal sessions and became friends – the BEST kind of clients! I photographed her wedding in June of 2010 and have done a few sessions here and there with her family since then!

She had asked me to pray for them – they wanted a baby!

My mom made that quilt for our wedding! The squares with the black yarn were crocheted when she was pregnant with me!

Pregnancy looks GREAT on you Stephanie!

They are due right after Christmas – so this picture was perfect!

OH MY WORD!

SERIOUSLY – so beautiful!

Thank you SO much for letting me capture one more BEAUTIFUL moment in your life!

I cannot WAIT to see the pictures of your new family!

Today is Thursday – October 11th – your 3rd birthday. I have a dear friend who has a daughter your age. It’s bittersweet. I love watching her and witnessing her growth – but it reminds me of the little boy you would be.

I truly believe that you had your daddy’s eyes – a sea green. You would probably be tall like your little brother. You would love Fitzy. You would be building legos together and reading books. You would love your grandparents and spend all day in the field with gpa Trout or dancing with gma Barden.

I have a picture of you in my head – but sometimes I just like to keep it safe in there instead of describe how you look to me.

You’ve got your hands full in heaven – with a little brother and sister – cousins too. I’ve wondered before if you have birthdays in heaven – but I’d like to think you do.

Today you’ll play with your little friends – maybe run through a sprinkler. You’ll open presents – mostly just cotton candy – since it’s easily made in the clouds. You’ll eat cake and ice cream. It will be a great day!

I’ve been really sad lately. I’ve been really angry. And jealous. Your daddy struggles with anxiety – and it’s been pretty bad lately. I’m trying to help him – but it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m wishing for the year to be over – we lost two more babies this year and it seems like it’s been years since it happened. I take pictures of people that have babies when we should have. It’s hard. I love capturing those moments for them but I can tell you that I cry on the way home. Sometimes even on the way there. It’s funny how time as a whole seems to go SO fast but as a day by day process – it creeps by at an extremely slow pace. We found a house we loved. It didn’t work out. I’ve been so very sad about it. I’ve been so angry with people that were able to move whenever they wanted. I’ve been so jealous. I’m trying to be excited about this house we are in. But when I look around at all that NEEDS to be done – I get sad again. We need to do SO much to this house to make it even remotely what we might want. I see a mountain – that I don’t want to climb. A mountain I never wanted to be standing on in the first place. Maybe it’s because I’m home all day and I just see every little thing that I don’t like. Sticking it’s tongue out at me – teasing me. But I’m having a very hard time accepting that we are here. To stay.

I’ve also had a really hard time trusting. It’s been a really hard year and your daddy and I know that we will get through this rough patch – but the hits keep coming – knocking me down again and again.

I feel like God has forgotten me. Seriously.

Now you have to understand something about me that might surprise you – or not. I have control issues – you know this. But I also have trust issues – because I have control issues. When you think you’re in control – the only person you trust is – yourself.

I don’t trust God – wholeheartedly. THAT might surprise you. I talk about it a lot – that God is in control and He will do what He does. But when I really truly think about it – I don’t completely trust Him. Or maybe it’s better put this way – I don’t trust that He will indeed make it all good.

I just needed to get it all out there – and since you are hanging out in heaven with JC all day – I thought maybe you could cheer me on as I try to embrace a new attitude of trust. I want to be happy in His will – not just wishing I was.

Little Enoch – we miss you terribly down here. I can’t believe that we’ve spent three years without you in our arms. I never knew your face but I see it everyday. I never heard your voice but I hear it now and then. You are loved. You are missed. But for some reason – heaven needed you more than we did.

I love this family! Alexander was only 5 days old at our session – but was great!

They are so in love with their little brother!

I LOVE THOSE SHOTS – totally unexpected – always the best!

OH MY HEART – look at those piggies!

LOOK AT THAT FACE! He is so cuddly and sweet!

Julie & Steve – I am so thankful you’ve asked me to capture your family! I can’t wait to see you in 6 months!

I’ve been looking forward to this newborn session all month!

Taylor and Tom are GORGEOUS – so I knew baby *S* would be!

He was NOT happy with me putting that hat on his head!

WINK!

SERIOUSLY – GORGEOUS!

Teeny little smile – he DOES like me!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE those shots! As soon I walked in – I KNEW we had to use that clock!

One last shot with his GREAT grandma – doesn’t she look amazing!

Taylor & Tom – he is BEAUTIFUL! I cannot wait to see him more and take his 6 month photos!

Today is Thursday – September 13th. Your due date was today. We should have been in the hospital – looking down at your sweet face. Marveling over your tiny hands and how much you look like your brother. Wondering what color your eyes would be – if you would have blonde hair like Fitzy. Announcing your name to everyone and watching their reactions over this tiny miracle.

Instead – you are celebrating in heaven with your older and younger brother. Enoch and Lewis are holding your hand. Everything happens for a reason. If we hadn’t lost you – we wouldn’t have baby Lewis – but we won’t get to hold him either. You are at peace and surrounded by love and joy. I imagine that you dance and clap your hands like Fitzy does when he hears worship music – that you follow Jesus around just to be near Him. I doubt that in heaven you even have time to think about us – but I imagine you do.

This has been the hardest year of our lives – and there have been some pretty hard ones. When we found out about you we were so shocked and thankful. The day I started bleeding – I knew I was losing you. I held onto Fitzy and cried. I prayed for you to stay – but soon my prayers changed. I prayed for strength to handle this life without you. The strength I would need in knowing that I wouldn’t see your face for a long time. I wouldn’t hold you. I wouldn’t hear your cries and your laughter. I wouldn’t listen to you say mama. I wouldn’t watch you grow. I wouldn’t cry as your dad danced with you at your wedding. I wouldn’t marvel over your babies one day. I prayed for the strength I would need in knowing that one more time I would have to say goodbye to one of my babies.

It was really hard. Our reactions surprised us – shook us to our very cores. We lost hope. We were angry that Jesus was dancing with you and we wouldn’t be. We had been through this before – and while that made it a little easier to swallow – we still felt numb. We still feel numb sometimes. People ask me if Fitzy is our only. Sometimes I say yes. Sometimes I say no. I don’t like to make people uncomfortable – but I want them to know that we didn’t forget about you. I want the world to know that I am a mother of four – while I only hold one.

I don’t want YOU to think we have forgotten you. Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy – for laughing and smiling. For enjoying life – because you are not here. It’s not fair.

But it is beautiful. Because you are surrounded by love. You are surrounded by beauty.

JC – I miss you more than you could ever know. I have friends that are having babies just days from your birthday. I don’t know how I’m going to see them. I don’t know how I’m going to look at their babies and feel joy and not jealousy. I don’t know why you came to us for such a short time – but we are blessed to call you our daughter. Fitzy would love you so much.

Happy birthday baby girl.