CONTROL
Hi. My name is Danielle. And I am a control freak.
I know that we all have our “things” but mine is being in control.
When I was in high school I would write my notes over and over again until they were perfect – no smudges – no misspellings – PERFECT!
When I was in college I freaked out my freshman year – I went to Philadelphia University – and didn’t have my nose in everyone’s happenings back home – losing control.
When Jared and I met in college – I was pining after a different guy (and it was going to happen ‘cus I was in control) – and Jared threw me off course.
After Jared and I were married I had the hours cut at my job – out of my control. Six months after that – Jared lost his job – out of our control. We moved in with his parents for a few months – then my pain started – my jaw pain that consumed my entire life – out of my control.
BARDEN PHOTOGRAPHY – something that was in my control – something that I wanted to happen – so I worked hard to make it happen – YAY CONTROL!
Then we got pregnant – we were trying – it happened really quickly – not exactly my plan but it still worked. Then we were told we were having a miscarriage and there was nothing I could do to control that. Nothing I could do to stop it.
God and I are back on friendly terms – and when I say God and I – I mean me ‘cus God was and IS always on friendly terms. I was very angry with Him – we talked about it and I asked – pleaded – for His forgiveness.
I am slowly understanding that God didn’t make this happen – yes He could have stopped it – but this happened nonetheless. And again God is whispering – HA – SHOUTING – in my ear – YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL!
A few people have asked – are you trying again? If it were completely up to me – I would never try again – I am BEYOND TERRIFIED about being pregnant ever again. BUT – I am also BEYOND TERRIFIED over the thought of never having a child. So you just do – you just breathe – you just give up control – which I am working on.
We have been trying since it happened – and nothing. Every month – nothing. And everyday I learn of just one more person that is blessed with a child – one more person that is holding onto my dream.
Aren’t you going to track your dates and see when you are most likely to get pregnant? I WOULD LOVE TO! But that would mean that I have some sort of control – some sort of say in when this happens.
I have compromised with God – we shook on it – He has given me a deadline of – if you are not pregnant by …… – you may track your days – you can have some sort of control back – but right now – you need to know that I am in control.
So – I am doing better – I don’t cry every day – I still feel that pang in my heart when I see a pregnant belly or a sweet child – but I am doing better. I am learning to trust Him. I am realizing that I am not in control.
That He is in control. That He loves us. That He loves me.
