This past weekend was rough. Friday night we hung out with my parents and talked. I am so frustrated and confused and angry about having a miscarriage.
At first – I was accepting and had a great outlook on everything. I still know that Enoch is with God – I still know that he is in a better place. I still know that God knows what He is doing and that His plan is the right plan. I have moved from accepting that to questioning it.
It mostly started when I found out about several other people that are pregnant and due around the time we would have been. I became bitter and angry and hurt. I already know that Jared is a great guy by putting up with me on an every day basis – but this past month – has shown what a GREAT guy he is. He is hurting – he is grieving – he is confused and angry – and I keep asking him questions and wanting answers. We have been so frustrated and lost – even though we are together.
The anger set in and there hasn’t been one day in the past two weeks that I haven’t cried about what happened – mostly in anger.
The questions that nobody wants to bring up – the hard ones.
I know that God has a plan – I want to know why THIS had to fit into His plan.
I know that God didn’t cause our miscarriage – but why couldn’t He stop it from happening.
How does God expect me to sit by and watch all these new babies being born when it should have been me.
How do I trust again.
The ONLY thing holding me together right this moment is God’s love. I know that it exists – I feel it – even through the anger and confusion.
Over the past few days – while things CONTINUE to go wrong EVERY SINGLE DAY – like a domino effect that seems to go on and on and on – I tell satan that he won’t win.
I might be angry and confused and hurt – but I am still a child of God.
While Jared and I were doing devotions a year ago – we were reading about Job – and I was going through my constant jaw pain – I remember the reading vividly. Job did not curse God – he did not turn his back on God – even while he underwent the most horrible things imaginable. He lost everything he had – his children died – his friends were total jerks – his wife told him to curse God and die – he became deathly ill – and yet – he remained faithful to God. He asked God – why.
People love to say – God only gives you what you can handle. I disagree.
I don’t blame God for taking Enoch to heaven – but I question Him for not keeping him here – when I know He could have. God is not to blame. The sin of this world is the culprit.
The answer is – bad things happen.
I am a control freak – for those of you that know me! I need to know and I need to know now!
I want a reason as to why this happened.
There is the explanation that something was more than likely “wrong” with the baby. “Wrong” or not – we miss him. That doesn’t help. I am the one carrying the baby – obviously it must have something to do with me. What did I do wrong.
I couldn’t even tell that I lost my child while it was growing inside me. What kind of parent am I.
What happens when we get pregnant again – if we get pregnant again. I trusted that this last pregnancy would go well – we prayed every day – I took vitamins – I ate well – no caffeine – I slept. What makes next time any different. How do we get excited about another pregnancy.
These are the questions that I ponder as I am falling asleep – the questions I want to ask when people ask how we are doing.
Bottom line – I know the answer to all of them – God loves us – God is holding Enoch right now. God is carrying us through this difficult time.
His plan is the ultimate plan – the ultimate answers.
