First read this from my hubby – he is pretty much awesome.
I remember the first time he told me he had a “problem” with pornography. I honestly thought – okay – what guy doesn’t? Not a big deal. Right?
Wrong. I don’t really remember it coming up much in our marriage at first – not sure if it just didn’t or I don’t remember that far back.
In recent years there have been times that Jared has confessed to me that he was looking at photos online.
The first emotion I felt was selfish – why isn’t he attracted to me? Why aren’t I enough? That isn’t the issue at all – at least in Jared’s case.
Something had been triggered and he needed to “get high” – as he explained in his blog.
Thankfully – by the grace of Jesus – I haven’t been angry with him. Hurt – yes. Confused – yes. But never angry.
We talked about it – holding him accountable – not putting himself in the position where it was easier to give in. It helped. I would ask him every once in a while if he was having problems or temptations. I always thought that asking might bring up the topic and make it worse if he hadn’t been thinking about it. But it’s what I needed to do.
Last year – Jared was in a very dark place. I was pregnant with Fitzy – we should have been in a very happy place. But he was angry and depressed and not himself AT ALL.
We were enjoying a Saturday morning and out of the blue he said to me – I need to ask you something. A million thoughts ran through my head – and being a pessimist I jump to worst case scenario. I stopped in my tracks and waited. He said – I need you to stop doing boudoir sessions. Immediately I knew why. I started crying and told him I was sorry. I didn’t mean to make him stumble. Just the fact that he knew I was photographing those sessions made his mind race. I told him – absolutely. Yes. Whatever you need.
I LOVE photographing boudoir sessions – strange – I know. But I do. I provided the service for engaged and married women as gifts to their husbands. I felt fine about offering this service and never doubted it. Until then. Now – if you are a photographer and you are offering these services – I’m not saying you shouldn’t. But when the man I love is struggling because of something that I’m doing – I stopped. I’ve had to tell inquiring clients that I no longer offer the service – all the while thinking – oh but I love those sessions! I love when a woman looks at a photo of herself and sees how beautiful she is – especially when she doesn’t feel remotely beautiful.
Jared had explained it this way. Let’s say that you did a boudoir session for me – and gave me a book. Believe me – it would be AWESOME – but it wouldn’t be enough. Eventually I would need other images to fulfill that need and desire and it would get out of control. What if your client’s husband struggles with pornography – and once he gets the book of his wife – it makes him stumble. And something you meant to be beautiful turns out to be a stumbling block in his life and their marriage. God has blessed your business so much and I would hate to see this be a reason why you would struggle in that success.
So I stopped.
This is a paragraph from Jared’s blog –
“Now, to the ladies. It’s important you really try to understand how we crazy men work. Please don’t make things any more difficult for us than they already are. Please pray for the man in your life who faces the temptation of lust literally everywhere he goes – movies, TV, music, magazines, the book store, grocery store checkout, you name it. Talk to him and be open and honest with him. And if/when he admits he has a problem, don’t nail him to the wall. Yes, it hurts to know the person you love has fallen into this trap, but love him. Talk to him. Work with him. Pray with him. Pray for him. Pray for him. Pray for him. He is your man to “go to bat for” before God’s throne. So do it. And support and love him. Did I mention love him? Love covers a multitude of sins. God’s love, flowing through you, will be used to release the chains of bondage in his life. I guarantee it.”
I’m gonna admit something here that I would rather not – but here goes. When I was younger (but the oldest of the group of girls that I did this with) we would get dressed up in our tightest pants and shortest shirts and go to the pool hall. And play pool. And crazy music. And dance. And then when the guys would oogle at us – we would be DISGUSTED. Absolutely appalled at their perverseness for looking at US – we were just there to play pool. Riiiiiiiight. Seriously? And I was the “leader” of this – oh gosh. Girls – FORGIVE ME for dragging you into and supporting THAT.
This is where it’s gonna get touchy – and hoping I don’t offend anyone – but c’mon – we were TOTALLY looking for the attention. Now – what if one of those men had followed us out to the parking lot and tried to hook up. When we were in there flaunting it and showing off – what were they supposed to think we wanted? To play pool? Seriously? Think girls. THINK. I’m not saying that girls that act like that are “asking for it” or that guys shouldn’t control themselves – BUT – what say we help them out as much as we can by NOT dressing like hookers!
I had a conversation with a friend recently – we both decided – if Jesus wasn’t residing in our hearts – we would totally be hooking it up with our outfits and even some actions. Or – God hasn’t given us the bodies we want yet – because we would totally be dressing like hookers! I’m gonna go more with that first one. Now when I was acting like a hooch – Jesus was totally hanging out in my heart – but I wasn’t listening. I’ve grown up (some) and matured (some) and have an awesome husband who helps me understand these things. Jared will occasionally say to me – yeah – you can’t wear that to church. On a date night to dinner and a movie – sure – but church? C’mon. Or playgroup with the kiddos? When I really don’t see anything wrong with it – until he points it out. Oops.
We want to be attractive and attracted to our spouses or potential spouses. For some of us – even just random guys in pool halls. When you grow up with low self-esteem or the ugly duckling – you want someone to think you are beautiful. So many times the women that are hurting or have been hurt misread that attraction and sex for love. It becomes about control and needing someone – anyone – to love you – not about attraction. And certainly not about love.
I absolutely encourage you women to love on your man who is struggling with this issue. LOVE HIM. We all have ugly skeletons in the closet. We all have our own addictions and issues. Pornography is one of the most uncomfortable ones to talk about – in my opinion – but it’s out there damaging WAY too many men and WAY too many relationships. Listen to your husband. Love him.
