Today Fitzy is 40 weeks old. FORTY. I cannot believe how much my life has changed in 40 weeks – I also can’t believe that in 12 short weeks our baby boy will be ONE!

LOOK AT THAT FACE! He is such a happy lovey baby!

That’s his newest favorite face!

He is such a little ham!

Oh Fitzy – I just adore your little face! You can hardly tell that you are so sick and stuffy.

Thankfully we got an antibiotic for his ear infection. He lost two pounds over the weekend since he stopped eating baby food but ate his breakfast like the normal piggy baby he is this morning!

He still gets up twice in the night but hasn’t been having his 4 AM parties – so that’s a plus!

In “new” baby news – I started bleeding a little yesterday and my doctor was awesome and got me right in for an ultrasound and blood work.

Yesterday marked 8 weeks according to my schedule. I’ve seen an 8 week ultrasound – I have a friend who is due right around the time we are and she was spotting and asked me to pray. She sent me the photos of her baby at 8 weeks. At 8 weeks on an ultrasound you can see a heart beating.

We didn’t get a photo yesterday. The tech measured my ovaries and then the gestational sac and the yolk sac. She told me that the blood work would have to confirm. I knew then. Even though I kind of knew something was wrong. With our first baby – I didn’t feel sick. I was exhausted but never sick. With Fitzy I was sick every morning. I haven’t been sick this time. I’ve been overly exhausted but not sick.

Our doctor called and told us the results – which I knew were not good. He said that he can’t tell for SURE but with blood work comparisons on Friday he will know for certain – but more than likely we will miscarry this baby. It looks like a blighted ovum – a type of miscarriage in which the baby either never develops or stops growing at a very early stage in pregnancy and then disintegrates – but a gestational sac does develop and the body does not recognize that the baby is missing. Googled that for you.

Now – it COULD be wrong – but I highly doubt it. Not because I don’t believe that God is still God and still performs miracles. But because I just haven’t felt right – haven’t felt pregnant. I haven’t really attached myself to this baby – it’s hard because once you’ve had a miscarriage you have this fear in the back of your mind that it will happen again. I had it with Fitzy but as soon as I was getting sick I felt better – I wanted to throw up EVERY MORNING if it meant that baby was still there.

Blighted ovum or not – I believe that life starts at the MOMENT of conception – so I believe that Enoch and our little baby (which I like to think would have been a girl – Joy (short for Joyce after my two grandmothers) Christina are in heaven. I believe that we will see them again. They have never felt pain or anger or fear or loss. They have only known the hugs of Jesus and His love and awesomeness.

So – it’s a waiting game to find out the comparative blood tests. Last time it took about a week after our ultrasound to miscarry.

More blogs will be coming once we find out the results and what not. I also plan on being back on facebook Sunday (I HAVE to make it to two weeks) BUT things will be completely different. I will not put up with crap. I will not put up with your insecurities that you blame on me. I will not participate in 13 year old gossip and attitudes.

I truly believe that God has used our miscarriage(s) to help those around us. Please keep praying for the now over 30 women and men on my list that want to hold sweet ones in their arms. You ask what you can do to help. Pray. Pray for me that anger and bitterness and jealousy and judgement don’t take over. I love to capture bellies and babies – but I get very angry when I should have had and don’t. I get bitter. I tend to pass judgement on who really deserves a baby or not. It’s not fair – but life’s not fair. PERIOD. So please pray that for me – cus I get angry about even the closest friends and family members that are pregnant or SEEM to not struggle with their pregnancies. And don’t tell me that at least we lost this “baby” while it wasn’t really a “baby” yet. I can promise you a kick in the neck.

To those of you who TRULY care and love us – thank you! I appreciate you more than you know! To those of you that don’t – I’m praying you can forgive me for whatever wrong I’ve done against you – if you are reading this and you think it’s about you – it most likely is.

Today Fitzy is 39 weeks old – on Saturday he will be 9 months! CRAZINESS!!

LOOK AT THAT FACE! He is such a happy guy! Still not sleeping through the night – nor the greatest – but we are working on it and gaining slowly!

He says dada and whispers kitty cat – which is strange since we don’t have a cat. He loves his “toes – ears – nose” learning book – we probably read it 20 times a day!

Yesterday marked 7 weeks pregnant with our newest little baby! I am still in shock and waiting for more symptoms to show up – but each pregnancy is different (so they say) – and I do feel pretty awful in the evenings this time around.

We’ve been off facebook since Saturday morning – and I will admit I do miss it. BUT – I was/am seriously addicted and needed to get my face out of the computer and spend time with this little growing guy and my hubby and my house and my laundry. We plan on a two week hiatus but I am hoping to stay off (dare I say it) forever! I will always keep blogging about our life and my clients and their beautiful faces! I will always email a sneak peek to my clients that they can upload to facebook – but I am so sick of the drama.

I’m sick of other photographers messaging be and blaming me for their problems. I’m sick of asking for forgiveness and people using facebook as a means of throwing it back in my face. I’m sick of writing a status and people being offended thinking it’s about them. I’m sick of seeing a status update and assuming it’s about me. I’m sick of liking a video or comment and getting crap from people who think it’s offensive. I’m sick of people assuming the worst about where I spend my time. I’m sick of family members who can’t grow up and tell me what their problem is. So – I’m done! If I can convince Jared to stay off too – then we won’t be back.

PS – don’t forget about that . babies . babies . babies . special! And don’t forget to keep up with my hubbie!

On Thursday – January 19th – Fitzy turned 38 weeks old!

38 weeks is the last picture I have since we had Fitzy before our week 39 picture could happen!

Here is a comparison at 38 weeks in and 38 weeks out!

He is such a happy – lovey – joyous – smart baby!

He can crawl – pull himself up to standing – wave – scowl – and loves to give hugs!

I cannot believe that as I sit here and type this – we have another little one on the way! Absolutely crazy!

I cannot wait to have a belly and to feel Fitzy’s little brother or sister move around! I LOVE LOVE LOVE being pregnant!

Some – if not all of you – may have noticed that we aren’t friends on FACEBOOK anymore. I deactivated my account – Jared and I both! We plan on a two week hiatus (if not longer)! It’s been a day and Jared and I have talked more – spent more time together – gone to sleep earlier – it’s AMAZING! I know that my barden photography page is also gone – which totally sucks – but it was we needed to do.

I will be updating my blog a little more with some personal stuff – and client photos as usual!

Don’t forget about the . babies . babies . babies . special!

We are overwhelmed! With love and joy and fear and excitement!

I have always been regular with my cycle – within about two days – and since I am crazy organized and scheduled I always keep track.

I was a few days late and again – was on the way to my parents for the weekend and needed to know what to pack. I drove to dollar general – picked up a test – took it and within 30 seconds there was a positive result – CRAZY!

Jared laughed – only to keep from crying!

I texted my sister a picture – called Ronda (if you are friends with me on facebook – you ALL know Ronda) who was VERY excited! Called my mom – who I woke up and she yelled at me – I’M TIRED DANIELLE! And then in the morning she thought it was a dream until she checked her phone! Called my bff Johna who was equally excited – called my brother – whose first response was – WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME SO LATE! Jared called his mom – who was also in bed and a little drowsy. We always say – we won’t tell many people – then we tell OODLES! I just can’t help it! My sister called me back saying – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – AND HER NAME IS SAMANTHA – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL – IT’S A GIRL!!!

You guys have been with us since losing Enoch and struggling to get pregnant and watching Fitzy be born – I can’t NOT share it with you. If something were to go wrong I would blog about it anyway – so why not get all the prayers we can! And it’s just such a joyful (and SCARY) time! We have to share!

I had to email my September and October brides first before announcing – and everyone that has responded so far has been so kind and understanding! I HATE HATE HATE to cancel on people – and the reality is – I could probably suck it up and do a few of the weddings a week or two out from my due date – BUT – I was early with Fitzy – can you imagine me calling you on the eve of your wedding and telling you I am in labor – good luck finding a photog? So I like to cover my bases and provide my clients with the BEST they can get for their day! And after having Fitzy and doing too much too early (I know – I know – you can say I told you so) I’ve decided to really cut back and focus on my Jesus and my babies and my hubby and my family – I really mean it this time.

I am still planning on taking the month of July off and now the end of August and all of September thru January! Which means that sessions are pretty much booked for the year. If you have an appointment in those months – don’t worry – I will be emailing you soon to figure out the details (most of which will just be keeping the session since so little are scheduled) – and for 2013 I will be limiting my schedule to 1 to 2 weddings a month – depending – and maybe 4 to 5 sessions a month – again depending.

I love love love love LOVE photography and I love love love love LOVE capturing moments for you! But the bottom line is – I love love love love LOVE my family more.

I am so humbled right now. Jesus loves me. I have an amazing husband – a beautiful precious baby boy – a fantastic family – and another sweet little life growing. People have been asking lately if we were gonna have more – I told them that I want more children – but I also want to be happy with just having Fitzy if that is what God plans. I truly did not imagine having more – having the trouble we did with getting pregnant!

Our first appointment – which is just a confirmation is on Friday and then we will go from there! I will keep you all updated! My sister is calling for a girl to be born on September 3rd (her birthday – since a girl will be named Samantha) so we will see if she gets her little fat girl this time around!

That being said – PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for the people that I know – and that you know – that are reading this and hurting. the people who want to be parents so badly that it seems to consume every moment of every day. I’ve been there – and so have some of you – and you know exactly how painful it is. I have more than 25 names on my list right now – please please pray for them.

Happy Christmas 2011!

We spent last weekend at my parents house with my sister and her hubbie! Samm and Xavier got us a little video camera – perfect for Fitzy films! My parents got Fitzy a few shirts and pajamas – sticker books for down the road – a little golden book that he LOVES to read with my mom – stackable rings and a little plane – a purple dinosaur that teaches letters and colors and music!

He loved playing with the paper and banging on his books!

Yesterday we had Christmas with Jared’s parents – and took our gifts for Fitzy over too!

SO CUTE!

Grandma and Grandpa got him a winter jacket – a ball – a playmat – warm pajamas! And of course an ornament!

Great Grandma and Grandpa Clark left him some 4T clothes and hand puppets!

Jared and I got him the little laptop (that teaches Spanish and English) – a little toy cell phone – stackable cups – a monkey rattle – a stuffed Scentsy monkey – a spring-a-ling – a little book about learning parts of the body!

We also got him a little learning center that turns into a push cart for when he starts walking!

LOOK AT THOSE CUTE MONKEYS!

My parents give us money every year. Jared’s parents gave me a little ornament for the year – geeky sticky notes – a Star Trek case for my iPhone – trivia playing cards – and money to add to my “rainy day” fund! Jared got a book about Steve Jobs – trivia playing cards – and a blu ray player.

I am so happy to spend the day cuddling with my boys and enjoying mine and Jared’s Christmas present – our not so tiny little baby!

Christmas in my family is always a hard holiday – like it is for most people. My grandpa Trout passed away on Christmas day in 1990. I was 9 and don’t remember much about him but the mood on Christmas is just a little sadder. When my grandpa passed away – we didn’t know if he had accepted Jesus or not – making it even that much harder.

As Fitzy grows we want to focus on Jesus and His love at Christmas – not the presents and the hub bub that we get wrapped up in. Now don’t get me wrong – we will get him presents but HOPEFULLY not go crazy! We want him to give some of the toys he doesn’t play with anymore to kids who don’t have any! We want him to get excited about Operation Christmas Child and bake Jesus a birthday cake – to think of some gifts to give to Jesus on his own.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOURS! Thank You God for sending Your Son Jesus to the world – to Mary and Joseph in the form of a tiny sweet baby – a baby who needed to be changed and fed and rocked and kissed by his momma and dadda! A baby who grew up to be the best gift ever!

I leave you with my favorite Christmas song – by Relient K!

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You’ve touched my life
Because here is where You’re finding me, in the exact same place as New Year’s eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We’re less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I’ll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

If you haven’t accepted God’s beautiful gift of His Son – today is the PERFECT day!

I am ALMOST caught up to real time updates of our little guy! In the meantime – here are some shots from week 21!

Jared’s mom gave me this outfit – from Jared’s childhood! He wore it when he was 9 months old for a picture – I could barely squeeze Fitzy’s five month chubbers into it!

SO CUTE!

He LOVES his jumper! We don’t have any doorways that we can use it in – so it travels to the grandparents with us!

OH MY HEART! I JUST ADORE HIM!

Fitzy LOVES his great grandma Clark!

WHAT A SWEET SWEET BOY!

He is just the sweetest most wonderful baby I have ever met!

Aunt Samm came to visit in early October (at 22 weeks) and we took some pictures of the two of them together! She loves him so much!

He has such horrible allergies with the changes of the season – his poor little red eyes! He sneezes and sniffles but is such a trooper!

We are SO blessed with such a fantastic baby!

We met Aszur and her boys for dinner at the end of August – mostly to trade babies and snuggle!

Their property is GORGEOUS so we took advantage of the time and got some family photos!!

Such HANDSOME boys!!

Our little family!!

OH MY HEART! I just LOVE those shots! Thank you so much Aszur!

I am almost caught up to Fitzy’s actual age on my blog! YAY! Thursday he will be 25 weeks!! ALMOST HALF A YEAR! AHHHH!

Here are some photos of him at 20 weeks!

Hungry much?

Dearest Fitzgerald – I just love you!

We went out for Jared’s birthday at the beginning of September and I just HAD to dress Fitzy in his little suspender outfit!

OH MY HEART!

LOOK AT THAT FACE!!

I just cannot get over his CUTENESS!

The one on the far right is my FAVORITE! I will be getting a BIG print of that one!

He is rolling over and trying to sit up all by himself. He loves his peas! Bananas and apples are favorites too! He is smiling all the time and is such a good baby!

We are SO IN LOVE with this ADORABLE little guy!

Grandpa Barden LOVES him too!

Grandma Barden is pretty fond of him too!

Thank you Janey Joy – find her on FACEBOOK – for the BEAUTIFUL hats!