Over Thanksgiving – Jared’s parents came to my parents house – which let me tell you – is a BEAUTIFUL thing!

My dearest aunt L grabbed her guys and ran out before the sun set. It was BEAUTIFUL!

Brian & Brenda wanted a few snowy shots too!

And since it was snowy – Fitzy wanted in on the action!

But – he was sad that he couldn’t be IN the pictures with G and Pa – so down he went!

My parents – and their Scottish Highlander!

It’s been a LONG time since my parents had their picture taken – alone!

And a GORGEOUS sunset to end the Thanksgiving break!

Enoch is 14 months old already. He’s such a little guy. Well – not really little. He stands 33 inches and weighs 29 lbs. He’s bigger than the 2 two-year olds we’ve run into recently. So – not so little. But not so much baby anymore – and developing into a little guy.

At 14 months – this is what I had to say about Fitzy –

Fitzy is AMAZING! He is so smart and joyful! He isn’t walking by himself yet – and I tend to compare to everyone else and wonder why he is so far behind – but crawling gets him there faster!

He knows where is nose and his ears and belly button are – and LOVES looking for YOUR belly button too!

He says ball and dada and mama and book and baba and a few more! He loves to shake his head no and wave his arms when he means yes! He LOVES to be in the water and looks forward to his morning bath in the sink!

—

Enoch is also a pretty awesome kiddo! He is crazy smart and so happy! He has been walking since about 10 months – and mostly just running.

He knows where his belly is – and wants to look for yours! He knows what a dog – cow – lion – elephant and pig say.

He says – momma – dada – this – that – I did it – thank you – all done – and pa. He shakes his head no and yes. He LOVES to see his brother and refuses any baby toys to play with guys and swords with Fitzy! He knows that candles need to be lit and blown out. He knows where his bananas are – and the cookies and graham crackers. He loves to carry around Fitzy’s little pirate guys. He loves to climb stairs. He loves to run.

He loves reading his books – mostly just ones with animals in them!

He loves to laugh!

He has 12 – yes – TWELVE teeth!

He absolutely ADORES my dad – pa – and Jared’s mom.

They are such beautiful – sweet boys. Sometimes – especially in the midst of (oh so many) sleepless nights – I wonder if I’m doing it right. Sometimes I cry. A lot. Sometimes I think that I was made to be a mom – of one. Because being a momma to two babes is really really hard. There. I said it. It’s hard. And exhausting. And heartbreaking sometimes. We have babies to raise semi-well-adjusted adults. But they are babies for such a short short time. Discipline. Independence. Sleep. Habits. Entertainment. It’s hard. Awesome. But hard.

Fitzy tells me that I’m the best mom in his whole life. Enoch rests his little head on my shoulder. And I know – I KNOW – that I’m where I am supposed to be. I am enough. Grace is amazing.

And God. God is good. Always. In the sorrows and in the joys.

And when Fitzy was 14 months old – we had a surprise. And we have a surprise now too. No – not the same surprise. Not a pregnancy. We are a two kiddo family. And sometimes my heart aches. Aches for the babies that were and are still in there. What would another sweet boy be like. And a girl? And being pregnant – or not being pregnant again. Sometimes the thought – the reality of it – scares me. Gives me anxiety. I feel like I have to put my head between my knees and breathe deep and slow. And then the thought – of having a newborn again – gives me the same feeling.

I think we’ve done well – exceptional – when it comes down to it.

Why is it that babies get birthday parties? Here you go – you turned ONE – great job. Dude. You didn’t do anything little baby. It should be – here you go parents. YOU DID IT! You kept this tiny crying babe alive for a year. You didn’t forget them in your car at the store. They ate some cat food – under your watch – and they’re okay. You somehow – miraculously – managed to be awake enough in the night to feed them. Night after night. Hour after hour. Somehow. In a year – you brought home this 8 pound crying human and now you’re chasing after an active toddler – with his own personality. His own laugh. His beautiful smile. He survived. I’m serious. It shouldn’t be about giving those babies presents – we – as parents – should be getting iTunes gift cards – and lakefront hotel rooms – with babysitting included. A plaque. YOU MADE IT!

But I digress. The surprise.

We. Are. Sleeping.

On Wednesday the 21st – I took Enoch to our pediatrician. HELP. ME. There has to be something wrong. A vitamin deficiency. Something requiring a sleep study. Well Danielle – what you are describing to me is purely behavioral. Cue the sobbing. On my part. And I mean sobbing. Well then – I can’t do this. I mean – we made it through the most stressful time of our life two summers ago – but this. I can’t do this. I don’t think I can do this. Nope. I can’t. So I got the print out. How to let your child CRY IT OUT. The font for CRY IT OUT had teeth. Blood. Red eyes.

Crap. I have an almost 4 year old and a 1 year old – and here I am walking out with paperwork that isn’t meant for a “veteran” mom like me. (Yes – I realize that my kids are under 5 – a veteran I am not – by any means – but you get my point) What is wrong with me? Why am I failing. OVER. AND. OVER.

And there it is. Those little whispers that satan loves to see you listening to. Believing. Living. You start living like you are indeed a failure. I’ve been in that mindset for longer than I’d like to admit. I’ve painted on my walls. ON MY WALLS. Painted reminders that I am NOT a failure – but when Enoch pops up after sleeping for 2 hours at night – only to be up every hour – those words disappear. Tears. Just tears. And reminders that again – another night. Fail. Sigh. It’s exhausting. And truly heart breaking.

Because I am not a failure. YOU are NOT a failure.

Failure – the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective and may be viewed as the opposite of success.

Fail – to be unsuccessful in achieving one’s goal. To neglect to do something.

What objective. What success. While there are definitions of success – it can be objective.

A friend and I were texting – I told her that I felt like a failure. She said – you are not a failure because your kids don’t sleep.

But I felt like it. Kids are supposed to sleep – and it’s not supposed to be this hard. I must be doing something wrong.

I left the doctor’s office that day upset. But determined. We. Will. Do. This. TONIGHT.

So – we jumped on board. Together – a united front.

Bath. Books. Bottle (for Enoch). Bedtime.

What a night looked like – maybe a bath. Get a bottle for Enoch – give him to Jared so he can fall asleep with him in the chair watching TV. Go up with Fitzy – read a book or two. Sing a song until he falls asleep. Come down and get Enoch and lay him in his crib. Two hours later – Enoch is up – crying. Put him in bed with me – where he falls back asleep for 3 hours at a time – maximum. One hour at a time usually. Fitzy calls out for Jared around midnight – so he ends up in his room until morning. Enoch is up at 5 am – every day – to start the day. Naps. Rocking and fighting with him for 45 minutes for a 45 minute nap. Every night. Every day.

So – bath – books – bottle – bedtime.

I rocked Enoch with his bottle – made sure he was awake. Kissed his sweet little face. Told him I loved him. And put him in his crib – which is moved into our (oversized) closet. He cried. For 45 minutes. We checked on him once. It made it worse – screaming. But – at 8.20 – he stopped. And slept. And we heard him cry twice in the night – but didn’t get him. Didn’t check on him. And he woke up at 7.30.

Fitzy was a little harder. Mostly because he can voice his concerns. What if I lose you. What if I don’t know where you are. What if someone comes in my window. What if I get scared. What if I don’t know what that little shadow is. Mom. I just love you and I just miss you. Sobbed. And sobbed. It was awful. I checked on him twice. Told him to pray. He said – I’m never alone right mom? I have God and my Christmas lights. Yes – sweet love – you are so right. God and Christmas lights. Pray. Think of happy things. Play-Doh and your little guys. Puzzles and Sammy and G.

When I checked on him at 8.20 – he was asleep – tears staining his round cheeks. His hands clasped together as tight as they could be. He woke up at midnight – we reassured him that he was okay and we would see him in the morning. Not to get out of bed. Unless you see light in your window. He slept until 6 that morning. Off and on again till 7.

A nap for Enoch on Thursday – put him in his crib at 12.30 – he cried for 10 minutes. And woke up at 3.15.

The nights after – Enoch cried for 10 minutes – then just 2 and now – between almost nothing and 10 minutes. He stirs once in the night – but we don’t do anything – and gets up between 7 and 8. Fitzy – falls asleep on his own with his Ipad (playing The Loft Sessions) and wakes up at midnight – when Jared tells him he’s okay – go back to sleep (working on not going in his room at all) and then he’s up by 6.30 to use the potty. We stay in his room till 7 – talking. Singing. Reading. Praying. How’d you sleep mom? What’s the plan for the day? Who are we gonna see? What are we gonna do?

We’ve been going to bed around 9 – and sleeping until 6.30 or 7. OH. MY. WORD. It’s been a little over a week. And I feel like a different person. The world is brighter. Snow isn’t as cold – okay – maybe that’s stretching it. But really. I lived under such a cloud of despair – it dictated everything. I feel like that cloud has lifted. I can breathe deeper. Laugh. Smile. Enjoy these precious moments. I can manage being firm without yelling. I don’t cry. I haven’t cried in almost a week – except when my mother-in-law brought over Mom’s Night Out – then the tears flowed and flowed.

Thank you so much for the prayers everyone – the advice – the hugs. The tears. Thank you. Thank you for being the good whispers in my ear. The you are NOT a failure friends.

This parenting thing. Crazy beautiful. And those babies. God gave you those babies. Those specific children. He chose you as their momma. I tell Fitzy – I am so glad that God gave me YOU. Your specific genetic make-up. Had we had our first baby Enoch – he would be a completely different child than the two we have. I can’t imagine my life without Fitzgerald Derek Douglas – not having known him. I can’t imagine another child instead of him. The same with Enoch. We lost two babies after Fitzy – if we hadn’t lost the first one – we wouldn’t have been able to be pregnant with the second. If we hadn’t lost the second – Enoch wouldn’t be here. Sure another baby would be – but not the child that is Enoch.

YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE ALWAYS ALWAYS ENOUGH. ALWAYS. And sometimes you need a reminder. So I paint it on my walls. Put index cards on my mirror. Cover my walls in hand written reminders. Reminders of God’s love and grace.

His grace upon grace upon grace upon grace. Upon grace. Upon grace. Upon grace.

Enoch turned 13 months old in December!

These boys – brothers. They are the sweetest – happiest boys around!

My sister and her hubbie are expecting their first baby at Christmas! But I think he will be here sooner!!

Jack – your cousin Fitzy is SO excited to see you! He asks about his Jack Sparrow every day! I cannot wait to see your sweet face!!

I have a weird thing about getting matching photos of the boys.

I wanted a year shot that matched Fitzy’s – so I had to take Enoch’s a little early since November wouldn’t be a good time to have him outside and shirtless!

That bottom shot is the canvas I got for his YEAR picture – ONE YEAR ALREADY!

Those photos CRACK ME UP! He is such a sweet sweet boy!

He’s such a happy little guy!! (And I’m quite behind on blogging since he turned ONE yesterday)

LOOK AT THAT FACE!

He looks SO MUCH like Fitzy in that last shot!

Enoch – you are the happiest baby I know! You are a dear boy. You love to eat zucchini bread and strawberries. You love drinking out of your brother’s cups. You love to say I DID IT! You walk everywhere – even run! You are MUCH faster than your big brother! You love your Pa and Gramma. You snuggle and give hugs. You love seeing Fitzy as soon as you wake up. You complete our family. We love you!

In early October – we met up with Craig Griffin and exchanged sessions!

I LOVED the photos I shot for them – and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the ones we got from Craig!

(He’s CRAZY busy with weddings – so these are just the few that he sent us quick. I have no idea if there are more or not – but these ones are already on my wall!)

That might be my favorite picture of Jared and I – EVER!

While life continues to throw us curves – we are happy and loved. Ten years of marriage – two beautiful boys.

I may have gone overboard and ordered several – as in 6 – wall mounted prints. Big ones. BUT – they look AWESOME!

Craig & Sarah – thanks again for meeting up! I’m so glad we were able to swap! We LOVE them!!

My sweetest boys.

Look at him!

That face – that sweet smile. There are days I look at him and have to remind myself that he’s three – not ten. He’s so smart – he has a phenomenal memory. He wants to help – with everything. He’s strong willed and stubborn. He’s dramatic and loud. He’s my sweet boy.

And this guy – a doll. He is starting to show a temper and a strong will. He is walking more than not. He loves to see his brother first thing in the morning. He’s chatting up a storm. He’s sweet and cuddly. He loves high fives! He’s my happy guy.

Brothers – I love watching their bond grow!

My Enoch guy – when he was 10 months old!

He LOVES apples! And since I’m not fond of this whole solid food thing – it’s great therapy for me!

LOOK AT THOSE CHUBBY LITTLE FINGERS!

They love each other – a lot!

Another 5 months have gone by since I wrote – which would seem crazy – but it really doesn’t. I barely have enough free time to take a shower – let alone sit down and type!

Going from 1 to 2 children has still been crazy hard for me – like I said before. And sometimes I feel like I’m just a weirdo that can’t handle it. I can’t even tell you that it’s crazy hard sometimes – pretty much all the time. How do you attend to both? How do you meet the needs of a toddler and an infant – at the same time. How do you make time for your husband at the end of the day or the beginning of the day – or anytime of the day. Sacrifice is the only answer I’ve come across. You sacrifice the needs of one for the other. In every situation. I’m sacrificing spending time with Jared over sleep. I’m sacrificing sleep over taking care of a baby in the night. I’m sacrificing spending time with Fitzy over editing photographs while Enoch sleeps. I’m sacrificing a shower over dishes and a walk and picking up toys. Sacrificing spending time with God over wallowing about my situation. Sacrificing – balance – whatever – call it what you want – but it’s what I’ve discovered.

And I’d like to say that I suppose we are doing fine – but I’m not. I’m overwhelmed. Mostly with the lack of sleep. Fitzy has only started sleeping through the night since April – but he also gave up any naps then too. And by sleeping through the night I mean – he calls out anywhere from 11 to 5 and asks for daddy. Jared ends up in bed with him for the rest of the night. On a typical night – Enoch goes to sleep at 8 in his crib  and is up again at 11 – ready to be up – but I get him back to sleep – in our bed. Then he is up at 1 for about an hour most nights – rolling around and whining – if it’s really bad – I give him a bottle – but try not to. Then he’s up again by 4.30 and sleeps fitfully until about 5.30 when he’s up for the day. He takes two small naps a day. And I’m exhausted. I usually spend every morning sobbing – wondering how I’ll survive another day on this amount of sleep. And I do – but I’m quite sick of surviving and would like to start thriving. Because – believe me – it’s not fun for anyone. I realize that. We have two small bedrooms upstairs – so we share a bedroom with Enoch – because I can’t deal with two kids up all hours of the night. And so starts the cycle of waking up and being in a house all day that I don’t want to be in. I could list the reasons – but I’ll spare you. These two things are what keeps me from loving life. It might sound petty – it might sound trivial. I realize that LOTS of people have it MUCH harder. But that still doesn’t mean that what is happening for me is hard. I don’t think it’s right to say – well – just be grateful for what you have – it could be worse. I’ve been trying to push it down – trying to make it not matter – and it’s just taken a deeper root. I need to experience it – to somehow figure out how to get through this. Because it’s consuming me.

And as I look through my blog posts – I realize that it’s always a struggle about something. And then I think – I don’t remember reading many blog posts – from anyone that go on and on about their wonderful amazing beautiful lives and how they are just rocking everything that’s thrown their way. Struggle? What’s struggle? Isn’t it all about managing our way through the muck. Navigating through the ugly to discover the beautiful underneath? I say that to say this – if you think I’m complaining. I’m whining. I’m ungrateful. Please feel free to stop reading.

It’s hard for me to remember the days when all I wanted to be was a mother. The pain and the prayers – I seriously don’t remember. I mean – I know I felt that way. I know that it hurt – but it’s not there. I look at these two little boys and it’s hard to imagine a life – almost 30 years of a life without them in it. And for the past several years it seems I’ve always been wanting. Wanting pain to go away (it’s not – but much better). Wanting to be a photographer (and I am). Wanting to be a momma (and I am – twice). Wanting to be in a different house. Wanting babies to sleep better. Wanting a minute to write. Wanting whatever isn’t in front of me.

I want to embrace. Not want.

I want to embrace where I am – the pain – the trials – the joy – the beauty. These boys that I wanted SO badly. These babies that consumed my thoughts. To be a momma. A get on the floor and play with my kids momma. A look them in the eyes and LISTEN to what they are saying momma. I want to embrace it. This husband who is quite fantastic to me. Who deals with my dramatic personality. And loves me in spite of it. This guy that just loves me. I want to embrace it. All of it. But. It’s hard. Really really hard. A work in progress – which I will always be – but shoot – I want to be happier. I want to be happier because the truth is – Jesus is crazy awesome. Period. If nothing else. Jesus is awesome. And I need to see that. And hold onto that. Sometimes only that. I want to be happier because right now – it’s hard to live with me. And Jared is pretty awesome – because he is the heart that loves me at my worst and the arms that hold me my weakest. That’s how I can describe him. That’s what he is to me. I want to be happier because these babies are all I’ve ever wanted. And I’m missing out on happy times because I’m too sad to see them.

I want to be happier because I’m miserable. And I’m so tired of feeling this way. So tired of pulling into the driveway with wishes in my heart. Waking up in the morning in tears. And yes – I know. This too shall pass. But it really sucks while you are going through it. And I don’t know how to get over that.

I don’t do Pinterest. And the biggest reason is that it would suck WAY TOO MUCH of my time. The second reason is – I can’t stand seeing all these little improvements for your home all the time. Because it makes me even more frustrated with where I am. Everyone says – be content with what you have. Be thankful for what God has given you. But we all want more. Improved furniture. Better chairs. An updated kitchen. Fancier lights. It’s always something. Updating. Improving. Upgrading. Remodeling. And I get that – I really do. But – our treasures are in heaven. Not here. Yet we all want more. I want a different house – more than I can even express. And my goal – now – isn’t to stop wanting a different house – but to start realizing that it doesn’t matter what this house looks like – outside or inside. That it doesn’t matter that it’s nothing like I would like to have. But that I have it and I have to make do with what we have. I don’t like this. And I don’t think that I need to learn to like it. But I do need to stop allowing this to make my heart ugly – because it is. And it’s bad enough for me to deal with – let alone what Jared is dealing with. It’s hard to focus on building our treasures in heaven when we are so consumed with how our here on earth looks.

And sleep – well. Again – it is what it is. I’ve tried. And because we have tiny bedrooms and someone has to share a room – crying it out in the middle of the night means losing more sleep that what I am now. 5.30 mornings are getting old. Quick. And I know – someday I will say – remember when we didn’t sleep? Cus I don’t. I wish our biggest problem was sleeping at night – or the lack. Instead of mean kids at school. Instead of broken hearts. Instead of dating. Instead of driving. Instead of college. But – again – going through it is ROUGH. But it’s gonna be the way it is for a while – based on how Fitzy slept. And I’m doing it – so I’ll keep doing it. I just need to be happier.

And really – again – only Jesus can do that. Not a new house. Not sleep. Not Jared. Not my kiddos. So today – again. I’m making an effort. An effort to not be miserable. Because when you look around – life is pretty amazing. And be still – which I know is kinda impossible with a toddler and an infant on the move – all the time. But just not be in a rush ALL THE TIME. I feel like I’m always moving at high speed – which is normal for me. Slowing down is hard – because then I spend way too much time in my head. And it usually comes back to – if I slept more – if we lived in a different house. But sleep and a new house doesn’t fix an ugly heart. Jesus does.

And like I wrote last time – life as we know it – has changed. Again. And it will again tomorrow.